- Galveston, TX Weather :: 84F Mostly Cloudy June 26, 201784F Mostly Cloudy
- Galveston, TX Weather :: 84F Mostly Cloudy June 26, 2017
- Serena to McEnroe: Leave me out of it June 27, 2017Serena Williams has responded to John McEnroe's claims that she would struggle on the men's tennis circuit by telling her fellow American to "keep me out of your statements that are not factually based."Seven-time grand slam winner McEnroe reopened an age-old debate by telling US radio station NPR that Williams would "be like 700 in […]
- J.J. Watt featured in Gatorade ad about defeat June 27, 2017Houston Texans defensive end J.J. Watt is one of several athletes starring in a new Gatorade spot, "Make Defeat Your Fuel."The spot demonstrates that even the world's most accomplished athletes experience the feeling of defeat and failure to fuel future success.Along with superstars such as Peyton Manning, NFL MVP Matt Ryan and Serena Williams, Watt […]
- Houston native making a name for himself on World Long Drive Tour June 27, 2017Glenn Wilson Jr. is a rising star on the World Long Drive tour.The Houston native hits balls well over 400 yards.His record is 460 yards.Wilson Jr. won his first World Long Drive event in 2016.He is currently ranked 13th.He's the son of former Astros outfielder Glenn Wilson.VIDEO: Glenn Wilson Jr. breaks down his swing Download […]
- Rockets cash in during inaugural year of NBA Awards show June 27, 2017It's awards night in the NBA.Russell Westbrook has won the NBA's MVP award after setting a record with 42 triple-doubles last season.The Oklahoma City All-Star joined Oscar Robertson as the only players to average a triple-double for an entire season, leading the Thunder into the playoffs after Kevin Durant left for Golden State.Westbrook beat out […]
- 3 Astros lead charge in final All-Star Game voting ballot update June 26, 2017The final All-Star Game Ballot update was released and several Astros players are making a charge towards playing in Miami on June 11 in the 88th All-Star Game.[CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR YOUR ASTROS PLAYERS]Jose Altuve, Carlos Correa and George Springer would be starters for the American League squad if the voting ended today.Voting ends […]
- Former Texans player accused of child abuse June 26, 2017Former Texans running back, Ahman Rashad Green, 40, was jailed for child abuse claims Monday.Online records show Green was booked into the Brown County, Wisconsin jail Monday on a possible charge of child abuse-intentionally causing harm for an incident that occurred Sunday. Green was expected in court Monday afternoon.Records do not list a defense attorney. […]
- Rockets' Patrick Beverley selected to NBA All-Defensive First Team June 26, 2017The NBA hands out season awards Monday night in New York, but an honor has already come the Rockets way.Guard Patrick Beverley has been named to the NBA All-Defensive First Team as selected by a global panel of sportswriters and broadcasters. With this honor, Beverley becomes the fourth different player in franchise history to earn […]
- Houston Dash's Kealia Ohai out for season with knee injury June 26, 2017Bad news on the injury front for the Houston Dash as forward Kealia Ohai will miss the remainder of the 2017 National Women's Soccer League season.Ohai suffered a Grade 3 ACL sprain and medial meniscus tear in her left knee, the team announced. The injury occurred in the Dash's win against the Orlando Pride on […]
- Astros hit 3 HRs, finish winning trip by beating Seattle 8-2 June 26, 2017The Houston Astros went into their game at Safeco Field leading the majors in home runs. They quickly added to that total.George Springer, Yuli Gurriel and Evan Gattis hit long home runs and the Astros wrapped up another winning road trip, beating the Seattle Mariners 8-2 Sunday.The Astros went 6-1 on this swing and improved […]
- Reddick, McCullers lead Astros past Mariners, 5-2 June 25, 2017Lance McCullers, Jr. made a triumphant return to the mound Saturday night in Seattle, helping lead the Astros to a 5-2 victory.Outfielder Josh Reddick provided McCullers with defensive support on the first inning when he made a spectacular diving catch on the game's first batter, Jean Segura.Then Reddick provided offensive support with a two-run home […]
- Serena to McEnroe: Leave me out of it June 27, 2017
- A clean-up plan lingering from Barack Obama's EPA could make a contaminated Texas river even ... June 26, 2017In 2016, the EPA hatched a plan to clean up a contaminated site on the Texas Gulf Coast near Galveston. There's just one problem: local residents are ...
- Where new housing can't keep up with job growth June 26, 2017According to Houston Agent Magazine, the median home sales prices in Harris and Galveston counties — both in the Houston metro area — jumped ...
- Coast Guard: 19-year-old man missing near San Luis Pass June 26, 2017Crews from Air Station Houston, Station Galveston and Galveston Island Beach Patrol have been sent to the area, according to the Coast Guard.
- Body of man who went missing along SE Texas coast found June 25, 2017GALVESTON, Texas (AP) — Authorities say the body of a 19-year-old man who went missing while fishing along the Southeast Texas Gulf Coast has ...
- TX Houston/Galveston TX Zone Forecast June 25, 2017HGXZFPHGX. FPUS54 KHGX 260213. ZFPHGX. FPUS54 KHGX 260212. ZFPHGX. Zone Forecast Product for Southeast Texas. National Weather ...
- A clean-up plan lingering from Barack Obama's EPA could make a contaminated Texas river even ... June 26, 2017
Travel through time!
- Board of Trustees of the Galveston Wharves June 26, 2017The Board of Trustees of the Galveston Wharves today voted unanimously to appoint board members to committees.
- Abbott Response on Pilots Petition June 26, 2017Texas Governor Greg Abbott, in a letter released June 17, denied a petition by Justin Renshaw, an attorney on behalf of the NW Gulf Federal Pilots, to initiate rulemaking proceedings related to the application process for branch pilot licenses issued under the Galveston County Pilots Licensing and Regulatory Act.
- Galveston County Judge's Office June 26, 2017The Galveston County Judge's Office today announced that the county has received a preliminary report regarding a review of the county's justice system.
- City of Galveston June 26, 2017The City of Galveston will host its 178th Annual Independence Day Parade and Fireworks Celebration on July 4.
- League City Regional Chamber of Commerce June 26, 2017The League City Regional Chamber of Commerce will present "Bay Area Boom: Creating a Health Care and Medical Innovation Ecosystem", an event marking the launch of a strategic initiative aimed at creating such an ecosystem, on June 28 at the UTMB Health League City Campus.
- Texas A&M University-Galveston June 26, 2017Texas A&M University at Galveston today announced that Dr. Ashley Ross, an assistant professor in the university's Marine Sciences Department, has been named a recipient of the National Academies Gulf Research Program Early Career Fellowship to study methods to reduce flooding.
- Galveston County Tax Office June 26, 2017The Galveston County Tax Office today announced that it will provide water vessel registration and titling services beginning July 5.
- Galveston County Health District June 26, 2017The Women, Infants and Children division of the Galveston County Health District will host a Big Latch On event, a global effort in support of breastfeeding, on August 4.
- H-GAC Transportation Policy Council June 25, 2017The Houston-Galveston Area Council Transportation Policy Council on Friday voted unanimously to authorize the council’s Metropolitan Planning Organization Director to submit prepared comments on the “I-45 and More” Draft Environmental Impact Statement to the Texas Department of Transportation.
- Board of Trustees of the Galveston Wharves June 26, 2017
- Trump travel ban ruling leaves unanswered questions 27 Jun 2017 15:46 The Santa Rosa Press Democrat The Supreme Court’s decision to partially reinstate President Donald Trump’s temporary travel ban has left the effort to keep some foreigners out of the United States in a murky middle ground, with unanswered questions and possibly more litigation ahead. …
- Provocateur targets CNN with hidden camera video while Trump takes another swipe 27 Jun 2017 15:46 tampabay.com NEW YORK —A conservative provocateur posted a video Tuesday of a man identified as a CNN producer commenting on his network's coverage of President Donald Trump and connections to Russia. The producer, identified as John Bonifield, said it appeared …
- Politics: Trump has drawn a red line in Syria — but it may be different from Obama's in one major way 27 Jun 2017 15:44 Pulse The White House said in a statement on Monday night that the US had learned of new plans by Syrian President Bashar Assad to carry out another chemical weapons attack on civilians, and warned that Assad and his military would "pay a heavy price" …
- The Trump doctrine in the Middle East is to follow Saudi Arabia’s lead 27 Jun 2017 15:44 Raw Story US President Donald Trump shakes hands with Qatar's Emir Sheikh Tamim Bin Hamad Al-Thani, in the Saudi capital Riyadh on May 21, 2017 (AFP/File / MANDEL NGAN) Saudi Arabia and Qatar are both members of the Gulf Cooperation Council, an …
- Trump’s approval rating not the worst ever 27 Jun 2017 15:44 Raw Story Compared with where past commander in chiefs stood this early in their respective tenures, President Donald Trump is remarkably unpopular. According to the latest poll Monday from Gallup, Trump’s approval rating was just 36 percent, compared with 58 …
- Most Canadians distrust Donald Trump, and they're far from alone: poll 27 Jun 2017 15:44 Montreal Gazette U.S. President Donald Trump announces his decision for the United States to pull out of the Paris climate agreement in the Rose Garden at the White House June 1, 2017 in Washington, D.C. Win McNamee / Getty Images Donald Trump has been U.S. president …
- GOP Health Care Plan Crushes Working Families, Not Affluent Trump Voters 27 Jun 2017 15:44 National Memo Reprinted with permission from Alternet. As the drama crests this week surrounding possible Senate passage of an extraordinarily punitive health care bill, we should ask, why is the GOP so heartless? Why are Republicans bent on cutting access to care for …
- Politics: 'This is a playground tactic': Former officials defend response to Russian meddling as Trump slams Obama 27 Jun 2017 15:44 Pulse "Just out: The Obama Administration knew far in advance of November 8th about election meddling by Russia. Did nothing about it. WHY?" Trump tweeted Friday. "Since the Obama Administration was told way before the 2016 Election that the …
- Alec Baldwin To Return As Donald Trump On SNL 27 Jun 2017 15:43 RTTNews Alec Baldwin will show up again on CNN to play Donald Trump for Saturday Night Live. "Yea, we're going to fit that in. I think people have enjoyed it," the 59-year-old actor, writer, comedian and producer told CNN Monday. Baldwin has …
- Family of fallen Norton Shores officer receives note from President Trump 27 Jun 2017 15:43 WXMI NORTON SHORES, Mich. – The wife of a Norton Shore police officer killed in a crash while on duty has received a letter of condolence from President Donald Trump. Tricia Ginka received the letter from The White House three weeks ago. Officer Jonathan …
- Google says it will stop reading your Gmail to sell ads
- Officer, prisoner injured when taxi hits police cruiser
- Fire destroys 5 cars at southwest Houston mechanic shop
- Snap Map’s location services raising safety concerns
- Tuesday is National HIV Testing Day
- The Brief: One hearing on Texas’ immigration law down, one to go
- White House warns Syria’s Assad against chemical attack
- ‘America’s deadliest drug’ found on streets of Houston
- Hey, Texplainer: Do I still have to get my car inspected every year?
- New Texas GOP chair starts tenure with big platform push
- Couple’s Discovery Green proposal caught on camera
- 2-year-old girl struck, killed by vehicle in Montgomery County, investigators say
- Fort Bend County 911 lines restored after temporary outage
- State Attorneys: Senate Bill 4 Is ‘Moderate’ Compared to Arizona’s ‘Papers, Please’ Law
- Attorneys spar over Texas immigration law in federal court
- Silver Alert issued for missing 73-year-old man from Mesquite
- Houston named No. 1 place for July 4th festivals, performances
- Magnolia man accused of impersonating officer in Tomball neighborhood
- What the latest U.S. Supreme Court rulings mean for Texas
- 2 men injured during motel shootout near Greenspoint area
- Suspect flees traffic stop, crashes vehicle, deputies say
- Mayor, police chief to meet with SW Houston residents to discuss uptick in crime
- Man charged after shooting family member in head, police say
- Pair caught on camera using credit card stolen during robbery, police say
- 3 Astros lead charge in final All-Star Game voting ballot update
- Officer who subdued Southwest passenger explains ‘ghost’ photo circulating online
- Click2Daily: Community supported agriculture in Fort Bend County
- Texas’ new immigration law is in court Monday. What’s happened so far?
- ‘I used my mommy voice,’ says officer who subdued unruly Southwest passenger
- Standoff underway at strip mall in northwest Harris County
- Exotic animals and Texas law
- JK Rowling marks 20 years since Harry Potter appeared
- U.S. Supreme Court tosses cross-border shooting case back to lower court
- Texas death row inmate loses at U.S. Supreme Court, could face execution date
- Supreme Court reinstates President Trump’s travel ban
- Protesters Surround Courthouse as First Major SB 4 Hearing Begins
- Philando Castile’s family reaches $3 million settlement
- CBO score of Senate health care bill highly anticipated
- Court to hear arguments in lawsuit over state’s ‘sanctuary cities’ law
- 1 injured after chase ends with hit-and-run crash
- 2 hurt after several people leap from window to escape apartment fire
- Police: Teen squatter shot in head at southeast Houston duplex
- Why a Colorado case over “religious refusals” could matter to Texas
- Astros hit 3 HRs, finish winning trip by beating Seattle 8-2
- 15-year-old driver crashes into SUV, telephone pole in Bacliff, authorities say
- Takata, brought down by airbag crisis, files for bankruptcy
- Fatal rollover crash closes eastbound I-10 East at Gellhorn
- House education leaders won’t budge on school finance, private school choice
- Etihad Airways will let you pay for ‘neighbor-free seats’
- Missouri City nail salon issues warning to woman they say didn’t pay
- GOP senators call for more time to debate, change health care bill
- Houston-bound Southwest flight diverted to Corpus Christi
- Man dead after shooting in northwest Harris County gym parking lot
- Mariners roll to 6th straight win, 13-3 over Astros
- Baby boy found dead in hot car in northwest Houston
- Police: Security guard shoots robbery suspect at northwest Houston restaurant
- Suspected drunk driver causes crash in northwest Harris County; woman dies
- Blues musician’s equipment stolen after Houston show
- Pipe shatters driver’s windshield while driving on I-45
- California’s Texas travel ban creates confusion in college sports
- Sears to close another 20 stores
- Wrongful death lawsuit filed against former Rockets player Marcus Camby
- Wife of Haverstock Hill shooting suspect also charged in case
- Ugly dogs compete for who looks ruffest
- Teen hit, killed by car in Spring
- Trump administration weighs in on sanctuary cities court battle
- Yellowstone grizzlies now off endangered species list
- JCPenney hiring 500 associates in Houston area
- Crews search for missing fisherman in San Luis Pass
- How Senate health care bill would change Obamacare
- Man dies after shots fired through northwest Harris County door
- Police: Man posing as cop rapes person during fake traffic stop
- Analysis: You can fight City Hall — if you’re governor of Texas
- Man claims girlfriend’s death is suicide; investigators suspect murder
- Amber Alert issued for abducted 15-year-old girl believed to be in danger
- Restaurant Report Card: Slime, rodent droppings found by Health Department
- Abbott plots aggressive approach to special session
- Reddick’s big day lifts Astros over Athletics 12-9
- Citing religious refusal of adoption rule, California bans state travel to Texas
- Houston passenger pushed by employee claims United threatened him to deter lawsuit
- Who Really Gets Government Benefits In Texas?
- Fort Bend County officials search for missing teen
- Illegal gaming rooms at 3 Montgomery County gas stations shut down, officials say
- Several injured after chase ends in northwest Houston crash
- Convicted sex offender moves next door to his victim
- Man charged with hate crime in burning of Victoria mosque
- Pair arrested after girl claims she’s been married since she was 13
- Judge denies bail for man charged with capital murder in death of 10-month-old boy
- Cruz declines to support Senate GOP health care bill, while Cornyn defends it
- Trump says he didn’t tape his conversations with Comey
- Surfers take advantage of churning seas in Galveston
- Tropical Storm Cindy: Houston memes note storm’s limited impact
- Woman hospitalized, husband found dead after couple reported missing
- Senate to unveil secret health care bill Thursday
- The Brief: Houston joins the legal fight against Texas’ new immigration law
- Mike Fiers wins 4th straight decision as Astros beat A’s 5-1
- Texas Hispanics behind half of state’s growth since 2010
- Texas A&M reigns, UH gets a boost in Texas college sports revenue
- Southeast Texas coast braces for Tropical Storm Cindy
- Nearly 1,000 animals found in old moving truck
- Amid Texas nuclear waste site’s financial woes, judge blocks merger
- ‘I can’t do it,’ Florida woman tells couple after trying to give son away
- Boy killed in freak Tropical Storm Cindy incident
- Man wanted for pressuring juvenile to have sex, investigators say
- How the Texas Legislature Reached a Dangerous Stalemate on Vaccines
- Man shot to death in Stafford motel parking lot
- Look out Texan ranchers, Nebraska Longhorn rides shotgun on highway
- Texas group that fueled Trump voter fraud claim scales back 2016 election audit
- Teen charged with arson bragged about fires on Instagram, documents say
- LIVE: Sky 2 over Ellington Airport after pilot ejects from F-16
- Getting Wise to Bad Air: North Texans Take Smog Monitoring Into Own Hands
- Tropical storm warnings in effect as Cindy approaches
- O.J. Simpson could soon be free
- Congress is eyeing big Medicaid cuts. Here’s why it matters to Texas families.
- Ride-hailing nonprofit struggles to survive in Austin
- Harris County prepares for Tropical Storm Cindy’s landfall
- KPRC tests Uber, Lyft, Yellow Cab in Houston
- Galveston County judge issues voluntary evacuation for Bolivar Peninsula
- Latest track for Tropical Storm Cindy
- Is Competence Enough? Mike Collier is Counting on it in Race Against Dan Patrick
- Texas congressman says remarks on Clintons, Vince Foster were “a step too far”
- Man shot to death while standing in driveway, police say
- Firefighters: Turbulence injured at least 10 aboard Houston-bound flight
- Gator Squad called to home for lizard
- 4th MLB All-Star Vote Update: Astros Correa, Altuve, Springer hold down top spots
- Missing boy found sleeping on his home’s roof by news chopper
- A couple donates $100,000 to Goodwill … accidentally
- Mother accused of stabbing 4-year-old daughter to death appears in court
- How Texas’ Anti-Abortion Lawmakers Win Even While Losing in Court
- Harlem Globetrotters headed to Houston
- Millions of voters’ data leaked online by GOP analytics firm
- Owners of snout-taped dog rescued in Montgomery County found
- Lawmaker says he was misled into sponsoring rally for white nationalists
- Woman claims man was pointing phone camera up her skirt at Fort Bend County store
- Ahead of special session, annexation reform debate gears up
- Lawsuit filed against SW Houston after-hours club
- Man ties up store clerk during robbery, Montgomery County investigators say
- Police believe woman’s body was dumped at Bayland Park
- The U.S. Supreme Court will hear a Wisconsin redistricting case. What does that mean for Texas?
- Pit bull thrown out window, stomped, to get new chance at life
- Woman shocked with stun gun during kidnapping attempt, deputies say
- Lawyers for man facing deportation to seek federal injunction
- U.S. Supreme Court ruling could imperil Texas sex offender rules
- Mother charged with capital murder in stabbing death of 4-year-old daughter
- Data shows which Texas cities spend the most money on booze
- Hostage situation in SE Harris County ends; man in custody
- US Navy missing sailors found inside damaged destroyer USS Fitzgerald
- Galveston County recent felony arrests:
- Flying Saucer crash at Roswell in 1947
- Regulators fine Texas ag chief Sid Miller for sloppy accounting
- Judge declares mistrial in Bill Cosby’s sexual assault case
- 3 dead, 2 in critical condition after multi-vehicle crash in Walker County
- Man charged with capital murder is arrested
- Beermakers’ efforts to get Abbott’s veto go flat
- Trump unveils new restrictions on travel, business with Cuba
- Minnesota officer acquitted in motorist shooting
- Amazon to buy Austin-based Whole Foods in $13.7B deal
- Authorities say escaped Georgia inmates caught in Tennessee
- US to send almost 4,000 troops to Afghanistan
- Texas Gov. Abbott signs “Sandra Bland Act” into law
- Abbott OKs religious refusal of adoptions in Texas
- New law clears the way for driverless cars on Texas roads
- Texas Gov. Abbott signs bill to enforce reporting of police shootings
- Texas business groups are banding together to keep NAFTA strong
- Amid opioid epidemic, Texas joins multistate investigation into drug makers’ role
- Polygamist Mormon sect leader Lyle Jeffs arrested in South Dakota
- Abbott proposal would nullify city rules on distracted driving
- Fisher hits first homer as Astros down Rangers 13-2
- Woman says United employee kicked her in head while sleeping at Bush Intercontinental Airport
- Man arrested, accused of assaulting off-duty investigator after crash
- Straus needles Texas Senate on public education funding, “bathroom bill”
- Woman pulled from submerged vehicle, Texas City police say
- After shooting, Texas congressmen recall frantic scene, close calls
- John Hernandez death case: Timeline of events
- Sketch released of man wanted in connection to security guard shooting during SW Houston robbery
- Young child shot in southwest Houston
- Work begins to remove submerged vehicles in Brays, Sims Bayous
- Dog found with tape-wrapped snout in Montgomery County
- Mean to Green: How the Texas Legislature Took its Toll on the Environment This Session
- North Texas mayors reject protectionist “Buy American” iron and steel bill
- Texas taps private vendor to run first state-run gold depository in U.S.
- Boy dies after being accidentally shot in head by twin brother, deputies say
- Abbott Veto is a Major Setback for Oversight of Troubled Adult Guardianship System
- Staff member of U.S. Rep. Roger Williams shot at Congressional baseball practice
- Group sought in double robbery, shooting in southwest Houston
- Will Texas lawmakers ax tree ordinances in more than 50 cities?
- Odor’s 2 homers lift Rangers over Astros 4-2
- 2 detained, deputies searching for 1 more after shooting in Hockley
- Pregnant woman says she was followed by man at west Houston park
- Galveston man pleads guilty to 2 counts of possession of child pornography with intent to promote
- Burger King brawl: What authorities say happened in Montrose
- New public restrooms being installed along Galveston seawall
- After criticism, DPS restores extended hours at busiest driver’s license offices
- Zebra mussels discovered in Canyon Lake
- 12 Texas spots to cool off this summer
- Man accused of robbing, carjacking taxi driver
- Social dogs in Baytown should get flu vaccine, officials say
- Cruz’s fragile alliance with GOP leaders now pivotal in health-care push
- Taco Bell to give away free tacos Tuesday
- Paxton gets new judge in securities fraud case
- Sister of Crystal Beach Drowning Victim Was Murdered 2 Years Ago
- Neighbors of White Oak Music Hall file another lawsuit
- Body found in search for woman missing near Crystal Beach
- Humble store owner shoots drunken man, police say
- Darvish, Mazara lead Rangers over Astros 6-1
- Family’s house burglarized; neighbors take photos of accused thieves
- Lawsuit filed against Harris County deputy, her husband in death of John Hernandez
- Officials find over $7M in marijuana plants on Walker County property
- Family fights to save father from being deported to El Salvador
- Man caught on camera pooping, peeing on house
- Attempted burglary in Sienna Plantation subdivision caught on camera
- Thousands of dead fish leave Matagorda residents baffled
- Man facing charges after being shot twice during robbery, authorities say
- Governor Abbott’s Beef with Tree Ordinances Has Its Roots in a Pecan Tree He Destroyed to Build a New Home
- Texas governor signs $217 billion budget, vetoes $120 million
- Woman, 69, killed after being struck by metal tow ball hitch while driving on East Freeway
- 2 women caught on camera stealing $5,000 worth of clothing from SW Houston boutique, authorities say
- Woman faces charges after NE Houston apartment shooting, officials say
- Astros place pitcher Lance McCullers Jr. on disabled list
- Man accused of punching, threatening deputy constable
- Injuries reported after car slams into Baytown building
- Both Sides of the U.S.-Mexico Border Want to Renegotiate NAFTA
- Emergency repairs made after leak nearly sinks Battleship Texas
- 4 children shot at NW Harris County apartment complex
- Profiting off pain: Trump confidant cashed in on housing crisis
- Analysis: “Tax relief,” maybe, but no savings for taxpayers
- Young helps Angels rally for 12-6 win over Astros
- Texas mayor met with blowback, praise for fighting ‘sanctuary cities’ ban
- Texas woman calls 911 upset over wait for chicken nuggets order
- RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE CITED IN BASEBALL ALL-STAR VOTE:
- Deputies: Wrong-way driver hits car head-on, kills driver
- 1 person dead in northeast Houston house fire; arson suspected
- Game room security guard found shot, killed in gas station parking lot
- Voters in San Antonio, El Paso choose new mayors in runoff elections
- Hundreds protest Sharia law in Houston, nationwide
- Dozens gather in support of Sam Houston statue at Hermann Park
- Trump Asked White House Janitor for “Loyalty” Oath
- Passenger dies in crash; police say driver fled from scene
- 1 man fatally shot, another stabbed at apartment complex in West Harris County
- Woman credits event for saving daughter from sex trafficking
- Man accused of taking photos of customers in dressing rooms arrested, deputies say
- Several workers at new Houston restaurant claim their paychecks bounced
- Olympians Steven Lopez, Jean Lopez of Sugar Land face sex assault allegations
- Sketch released of man accused of posing as officer, sexually assaulting woman during traffic stop
- Man charged with murder for 2016 shooting of 22-year-old man in SE Houston
- Dispute about dog poop leads to West Palm Beach man’s arrest
- Cow tranquilized after hourslong standoff with deputies in Spring
- LIVE: Family, community leaders demand disciplinary action for deputy charged in Denny’s fight
- Man Stabbed in Cavalier Manor
- ‘Dry drowning’ suspected in Texas toddler’s death
- Why bills to bind Texas’ Electoral College never reached Gov. Abbott
- Mother searches for answers after 21-year-old daughter, 2 others killed in NE Houston apartment
- Astros score 5 in 9th to top Royals 6-1
- Man accused of taking photos of customers in dressing rooms sought, deputies say
- Exclusive dating app set to launch in Austin
- Restaurant Report Card: Roaches, slime infiltrate local kitchens
- Leon Jacob, man charged in murder-for-hire plot, set for next court date
- Woman granted clemency by Obama back in prison
- 911 call released after 1-year-old child shot in legs during car ride
- Deputy Chauna Thompson, husband Terry indicted in death of John Hernandez
- USS Gabrielle Giffords to be commissioned in Galveston
- Astros’ Keuchel on 10-day disabled list with neck discomfort
- Outside grand jury room, Denny’s employees describe fatal confrontation
- Arrests made in hit-and-run death of construction worker
- U.S. House passes sweeping financial deregulation bill from Jeb Hensarling
- Deputies: Remains found in northwest Harris County may be animal or infant
- Court appearances for ex-chef and girlfriend accused of raping teen girl, recording it
- Family says missing man’s body found under northeast Houston bridge
- At least 7 men wanted in string of auto parts stores robberies
- Turner to ask City Council to join suits challenging state’s ‘sanctuary cities’ law
- Police search for gunmen who robbed, shot man at north Houston apartments
- Appeals court to weigh Texas voting law limiting language interpreters
- Midtown road construction causing headaches for businesses, motorists
- Vigil held for John Hernandez, man who died after altercation with deputy, husband at Denny’s
- Police search for possible suspects in 2014 slaying
- More than 150 pot plants found during raid in NW Harris County
- 28 guns, cash stolen during EZ Pawn robbery in NW Harris County
- Man disappears on his way home from club, police say
- 2 northbound lanes connecting SW Freeway, West Loop shut down due to hole repair
- City of Dallas to join fight against Texas immigration law
- Ever wanted to adopt a dolphin? Now you can
- Al Green pushes forward with Trump impeachment
- Lawyers convention leaves Texas over state’s new immigration law
- Sheriff on investigation of Hernandez’s death: ‘We want to get this right’
- Scrap new Texas voter ID law, plaintiffs tell federal judge
- Execution halted for man convicted in Texas real estate agent’s murder
- Woman records man raping teen to blackmail him during affair, documents say
- State Rep. Victoria Neave arrested for DWI in Dallas
- In a year of cuts, the Texas Legislature boosted financial aid for college students
- Family of man killed during confrontation at Denny’s plans protest to DA’s office
- Texas lawmakers, “bathroom bill” opponents prepare for round two
- 30 Days of Horror: Greg Abbott Calls Texas Legislature Back for Summer Session
- Texas Gov. Abbott signs statewide ban on texting while driving
- Attorneys Who Halted Trump’s Travel Ban Will Take on Senate Bill 4
- Texas’ Maternal Mortality Rate: Worst in Developed World, Shrugged off by Lawmakers
- Worst. Legislature. Ever. How Did We Get Here?
- San Antonio, Austin suing Texas over immigration law
- Gov. Abbott signs bill to eliminate straight-ticket voting beginning in 2020
- For daily fantasy sports sites, legal limbo in Texas set to continue
- Indicted Senator Carlos Uresti Exchanged Campaign Funds with Alleged Co-Conspirators
- Texas Republican Called ICE on SB 4 Protesters, Threatened to Shoot Colleague
- 3 A.M. ‘Sanctuary’ Protest at Governor Abbott’s Mansion Blares Mariachi Music
- A Gringo visits Mexico
- UFOs / Flying Saucers are in the immediate vicinity
- Make me laugh…
- Make me laugh & I will buy you a beer…
- Hands Off My Happy Hour
- Move over, asshole!
- Rockabilly Pioneer Alvis Wayne – Bacliff, Texas
- Karaoke singer signs with Columbia Records
- I can’t feel right until these questions are answered about 9-11….
- Gifts I Didn’t Want
- Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…
- Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…
- Local Man Is New US Yoga Champion
- Gator’s Rant: Stop Picking On Bullies
- Bad Sam’s Report: Dick Cheney’s bizarre actions on 9-11
- Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…
- FBI Says Missing Teen Is Likely a Hooker By Now…
- Great Moments In Texas Music – Dooley Wilson
- April Fool Point Lovers Take The Plunge
- Ken Lay Is Alive & Well…
- Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…
- It Really Happened…
- Clifton Chenier, The King Of The Bayou
- Gator’s Rant: coping with uncooperative sharks
- Smoking is once more cool (and healthy)
- Great Moments in Texas Music – Lewisville, 1969
- Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…
- Ten Reasons the Official Story of 9-11 Can’t Be Trusted
- Know Your Rights!
- Romneys encourage underpriveleged kids to try polo, yachting, and equestrian sports:
- Paid Seawall Parking Is A Tremendous Success
- Tripping Daisy Rises From Deep Ellum
- The assassination of reporter Michael Hastings:
- A Streetcar Named Deceit…
- Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer
- It Really Happened…
- Phil Ochs – The Singing Journalist
- Gator’s Rant: Adopting A Mutt From The Doggie Jail
- Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer
- It Really Happened…
- THE FIRST ELECTRIC LEAD GUITARIST – T-BONE WALKER
- Gator’s Rant: It pisses me off when…
- Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…
- HOW TO GET ALL TORE DOWN AND HAVE A REAL BIG TIME…
- Bold Teen Saves His Family From Death in Webster Home Invasion
- Unsolved Beach Death Update:
- Police State Mardi Gras in Galveston
- Kangaroo Court Capers Entertain in Galveston County
- Downtown Galveston Merchants Want Changes In Mardi Gras
- Missing Woman Found In Local Bed
- Miniature Capsule Will Carry Deadly Germs Across The Universe
- Medicinal Pothead Wins Case
- Make Me Laugh…
- 50 Years Of Government Drug Dealing
- Make me laugh and I will buy you a beer…
- Protected Witness Getting Settled In
- Blind Group Sues Over SOB Laws
- Electric Reliability Council Meeting Postponed Due To Power Outage
- $1,000,000 Cocaine Found Aboard Crude Oil Tanker
- Copper Thieves Busted By Coppers
- Environmentalist Wackos Blockade Keytone Pipeline Offices
- Houston Rodeo Music Lineup: Send in the clowns
- My new career as a poet…
- Make me laugh and I will buy you a beer…
- Marijuana Shortage after Hurricane Sandy has Yankee Pot Dealers Driving South For Supplies
- Dickinson Man Calls 9-1-1 to report Domino’s Won’t Deliver to Him
- Things To See Before You Die…
- Where Did The Conservative Movement Go Wrong?
- What Now For Business Owners?
- The Official Story of 9-11:
- Prison For Sandcastle Artist
- The Day the Music Died – A Special Report
- Double Amputee Gunned Down By HPD Executioner:
- Habitual Offender Faces 25 Years
- Gator’s Rant: Jam Session Etiquette
- Invasion of the Booby Snatchers
- It Really Happened…
- Make me laugh & I will buy you a beer…
- How Weed Can Save America
- General George S. Patton was Murdered
- A married couple was asleep when the phone rang
- It Really Happened
- Drink like a manly man:
- Kiss my ass:
- It Really Happened…
- One Giant Leap Backwards For Space Exploration
- A soldier was given the job of hunting buffalo
- Did Laura Bush Purposely Kill Her High School Boyfriend?
- The Strange Death of Patrolman J. D. Tippet
- I ain’t had no fun in months
- Full Moon Fever and Mr. Smith:
- Things That Piss Me Off
- Learn The English To Speak
- A blonde with two red ears
- A group of deer hunters were in camp
- Stray Cats For The Homeless
- Mossad controlling British military through Liam Fox (Secretary of Defence) and Adam Werritty (his 'friend') June 27, 2017More...
- Newton and Einstein: prophets of progress June 27, 2017More...
- Meteor wave -- asteroid activity is increasing dramatically June 27, 2017More...
- The Insider -- a retrospective on our operations from 2000-2005 June 27, 2017More...
- Former British prime minister confirms media manipulation of government June 27, 2017More...
- Did 'dark arts' MI6 agents kill the spy found dead in a bag? June 27, 2017More...
- BBC photo of Syria massacre exposed as fake June 27, 2017More...
- News media manipulation exposed by freelance journalist's Twitter rant June 27, 2017More...
- Murdoch media mogul family reveal their control over UK government June 27, 2017More...
- 'UFO' incidents at US nuclear missile facilities June 27, 2017More...
- Mossad controlling British military through Liam Fox (Secretary of Defence) and Adam Werritty (his 'friend') June 27, 2017
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Author Archives: Gator
ASSAULT w/DEADLY WEAPON – CRYSTAL BEACH:
Rodriguez, Sheree Lynn (W /F/54) Arrest on chrg of Agg Assault W/deadly Weapon, F (F), at 1030 Diamond Rd, Crystal Beach, TX, on 6/16/2017 13:00.
PROSTITUTION – LEAGUE CITY:
Webb, Kali Elizabeth (W /F/27) Arrest on charge of Prostitution With One/two Previous Convictions, at 311 Glade Bridge Ln, League City, TX, on 6/17/2017 02:04.
CHILD MOLESTATION – LEAGUE CITY:
Brown, Christopher Leander (W /M/33) Arrest on charge of Indecency W/child Sexual Contact, Felony, at 2525 St Christopher Av, League City, TX, on 6/16/2017 10:26
DRUG CHARGES – SAN LEON:
Delicco, Michael Frank (W /M/54) Arrest on charge of Possession of a Controlled substance <1g, Felony, at Fm517 @ Ave N, San Leon, TX, on 6/17/2017 01:44.
DRUG CHARGES – SAN LEON:
Gowen, Jennifer Lynn (W /F/52) Arrest on chrg of Poss Cs Pg 1 <1g (F), at 20th At Ave K, San Leon, TX, on 6/16/2017 20:42.
DRUG CHARGES – LEAGUE CITY:
Charpentier, Heather Eileen (W /F/44) Arrest on chrg of Poss Cs Pg 1 <1g, F (F), at 708 W Main St, League City, TX, on 6/16/2017 23:38.
In 1947 an object crashed to the ground near a ranch in New Mexico. The object was officially stated to be a United States Air Force Balloon by the United States Military. This was generally accepted until the 1970s when a variety of Extra Terrestrial related theories began surfacing. The Rancher who saw the crash, William Brazel, is reported as saying that indestructible metal no wider than tinfoil was found with strange markings etched upon its surface. The writings/etchings were in different colors with different geometric patterns. Brazel came under severe pressure from government officials. A column written by the current local newspaper at the time ran with the headline “Harassed Rancher Sorry he ever told about it”. It was not only Brazel who noticed the disk. A number of people have claimed to have seen debris from the flying object strewn over a wider area.
Read the full illustrated story here
While family and friends mourn the tragic drowning death of Brandy Mosley at Crystal Beach, they also remember the tragic murder which took the life of her 29 year-old sister almost two years ago. Vanessa Nicole Melson, mother of 3, disappeared from her home in Grapeland TX on June 16, 2015.
Melson went missing after leaving her father’s residence in Grapeland, allegedly getting into a gray 2014 Chevrolet pickup truck owned by Robert David Mobley Jr., age 40. Melson’s body was found in a shallow grave on Mobley’s property three weeks later after the Grapeland Police Department received a tip.
Mobley has been charged since August of 2015 in connection to the death of Vanessa Melson. According to reports, Melson’s stepfather saw Melson get into a pickup with a man who the stepfather recognized as Mobley. He said that was the last time he saw Melson alive. Witnesses said they saw Mobley beating Melson up as well as shooting her up repeatedly with meth. They said Mobley did it because he claimed Melson was a snitch.
In a video statement, Brenna Theurer told authorities that Vanessa Melson was screaming in pain at 6 a.m. on June 17, 2015, adding that she was begging for her life and to be allowed to see her children. “Robert Mobley would only tell her to shut the f— up,” the witness stated. Theurer confronted Mobley and told him to stop. Then, according to Theurer, Mobley approached her and told her she would be next if she did not shut up and that he would kill her if she contacted law enforcement.
The affidavit stated that as the beating got worse, Theurer told the other witness, James Henderson, that she was going to call 911, but he told her to sit down and shut up before she was next. Theurer told authorities that because she was in fear for her life she fled to the back of the house. About 15 minutes later, Vanessa Melson grew quiet, and Theurer went back into the den area of the home, where she saw Mobley and Henderson facing away from her and looking at Vanessa Melson’s still body laying partially in the laundry room and partially in the garage.
In a bizarre twist, while awaiting trial in the county jail, Mobley is charged with a sexual assault of another male inmate in the jail shower on January 27th of this year.
With the apparent drowning of 33 year-old Brandy Mosley, who drowned after she went into rough surf at Crystal Beach to rescue her 4 year-old son, family and friends are now facing a new round of overwhelming grief.
Waco Police Department officers were dispatched to an “emergency” in the drive thru of a McDonald’s restaurant Friday night, but when they arrived all they found was a woman who wasn’t “Lovin’ It.”
A Facebook post from the Department said the woman called 911 after restaurant employees did not give her her chicken nuggets order for free. The woman told authorities her order took too long, so she didn’t want to pay for it.
Dispatchers sent two officers out on the call. The woman did not get her nuggets for free.
A representative from Waco’s records department said the woman with the chicken nuggets emergency is not expected to face charges.
Major League Baseball is investigating whether Russian hackers were responsible for inflated vote totals on behalf of two big league baseball players of Russian heritage.
New York Yankees shortstop Didi Gregorius and Cleveland Indians second baseman Jason Kipnis each have received over 400,000 votes thus far. Both have ancestors who can be traced back to Russia.
Unidentified sources have claimed that hackers working for Russian President Vladimir Putin have used computers to add votes for the two players, who are both favorites of the Russian leader. Putin is known to be a fan of baseball, hockey, soccer, and dwarf-tossing.
“If they did receive help from the Russians, did they cooperate?” asks an attorney close to the investigation, “Did they assist the Russians in this effort?”
The 99th MLB All Star Game will be played in Miami on July 11th.
Luther Rabble, who was fired from his job as janitor at the White House last month, was apparently asked to swear his loyalty to the President in a one-on-one meeting inside the White House in February.
“The whole cleaning crew was there,” Rabble told a Gator Press reporter in an exclusive interview, “But he shooed the rest of the folks out until it was just me and him. Then he grabbed me around my throat and shoved me up against the wall, and said in a real low voice ‘I need you to be loyal to me’ and then let me go. I told him he could expect cleanliness from me, that I would be loyally clean.”
Rabble also said the President asked him to keep quiet about a case of toilet tissue that had gone missing from the office of former Director of National Security Mike Flynn, saying, “I hope you can just forget about the whole Flynn toilet tissue thing.”
After the meeting with Trump, the janitor, who had served as a government janitor for over two decades, says he immediately wrote a memo, detailing exactly what was said. He later leaked that memo to a reporter. He was fired by the President two weeks later.
Rabble is now a private citizen, and has found work as a self-employed pharmaceutical salesman.
Police in San Leon are investigating a stabbing at a home in the ritzy Cavalier Manor subdivision last night. Police have not released the name of the victim, who is in fair condition at Mainland Medical Center.
Working with witnesses, police have created a composite sketch of the suspect:
If you recognize this person, please contact the San Leon Police Department.
Traveling in Mexico is fun except for a few minor details. Like for instance, you have no idea what anyone is saying to you. And you imagine that the parts of the conversations you don’t understand are something they will laugh about with their friends for many years to come:
Me: How much is this T shirt?
Vendor: The T shirts which we are happy to sell to fat asshole gringo pigs like yourself for twice their real value are only 1200 pesos.
Of course, the only part of it that I can understand is “1200 pesos“. That’s why they are always smiling so much.
The truth is that you don’t need to know Spanish because everyone you interact with can get by in passable English anyway. So they wait patiently while you butcher their language and then ask you what you want in English.
There are many cultural things to learn in Mexico that are not mentioned in any of the guide books. (Actually, I haven’t read any guide books, but I’m sure some things would not be mentioned in them.)
For example, hotels in Mexico use the Mexican towel system.
You have to sign out towels like books in a library and if you don’t return them to the front desk by 8 PM they charge your room the full cost of the factory that made the towels in the first place.
A lot of travelers are worried about the drug dealers, kidnappers, and other criminals who run the country, especially in the border cities. Such fears are silly. One good Texan can quite easily kick the collective asses of an entire gang of Mexican gangsters, and they are very seldom brave enough to hassle us. If you are accosted by a thug or criminal type, just flat out tell him something like:
“Pardone, monseur, but Ich bin ein Texan and you best keipen der fuchen mitzengrabbers offenhousen!”
The most interesting part of being in Mexico is the way you are viewed as a gigantic dollar bill with arms and legs.
If you walk within 500 yards of any commercial establishment you are sure to be immediately assaulted with offers to sell you something, feed you something or do some unspecified thing to your body. “Here, amigo, we have the biggest lobsters in town and a place is waiting for you at the best table in the restaurant where our waiter will massage your back and serve you the best tequila for only 5,000 pesos.”
Many merchants have perfected their lines over the years. My favorite was at a jewelry store in Nuevo Progreso:
Two men leaped up from their chairs with open arms and shouted in a loud voice. “Ah welcome, welcome… We have been waiting patiently for you, Se?or!”
No one ever says this in real life. “Where the hell have you been” is the usual line. But here in Mexico, I am the Messiah come at last!
So I responded in a grande way, “Yes, yes, I have been waiting for you too. At last we are all here together. Now we can sit with our muchachos in a chalupa with our lumbago and drink a sombrero!”
I don’t want to be the ugly American. But no matter what you do you seem to fall into the role anyway. So you are tempted to give up.
“No, gracias.” you say repeatedly without eye contact each time you are asked to look at or buy something.
I’m sure if I were in a car accident and the ambulance attendants came to help me I would say “No gracias” and be left for dead by the side of the road.
I can’t say I’d blame them.
The US Government is never going to disclose what really was found at Roswell, New Mexico in 1951, when a “flying disk” containing 4 small humanoids crashed there. The Army Air Force initially reported the crash of a UFO and the recovery, then later retracted the story. As a former military newsman, I can assure you that something like this would never have been given out to civilian news outlets until it had been confirmed. The public affairs officer at Roswell Army Air Field verified the facts before releasing them to the wire services, where the story made front page news across the US.
What they Army found at the crash site was reportedly some little guys about 4 feet tall, with very pale skin and huge eyes. Others have seen the same kind of little guys since then. They’re called “Gray Aliens” by UFO conspiracy theorists.
But they are not from outer space. They are actually from Earth.
The skin with no pigment and the large eyes indicate a subterranean creature, living in near complete darkness. These fellows die quickly in direct sunlight, which is exactly what happened to two of the humanoids who were reportedly still alive for awhile after the crash.
The craft they were in was small, and very lightweight. Not the sort of thing you would travel through space in. When you consider that the nearest habitable planet for humanoids is 300 light years from here, the idea that they would fly a tiny ship such a vast distance seems unlikely. Humanoids require food, water, sleeping quarters and other things, especially on a 300 year voyage.
The saucer at Roswell came from Earth, as do all flying saucers.
Here are a few of the logical reasons to believe this is so:
1. Sir Edmund Halley, the mathematician and astronomer who first discovered Halley’s Comet, proved that the Earth is hollow. He did so by measuring the mass of the Moon based on the tides, and comparing it to the mass of the Earth. His calculations prove that the Earth must be at least partially hollow. His work was commended by Isaac Newton and others, and remains provable.
2. Mass UFO sightings only started 2 weeks after the first Atomic bombs were exploded. Sightings have always been more common in areas where nuclear tests occur. That’s because these explosions shook the Earth, and the people who live below noticed it, and decided to investigate.
3. Reliable UFO sightings have always occurred at low altitudes, low enough for humans to breathe without bringing oxygen. UFOs operate in the same range as helicopters. Obviously they are made for low altitude surveillance. The disk shape is not desirable for travel through space, but is perfect for providing maximum lift with minimum power, as any Frisbee enthusiast will tell you. This is a design which was created specifically for use in an atmosphere.
4. Sightings of “alien” humanoids are always described as hairless. The lack of hair indicates they live in a place where there are no temperature extremes. That’s exactly the environment that is likely to exist below.
5. Credible sightings occur at night. That’s because the little guys down below are blinded in sunlight, but they see clearly in darkness. Their eyes have evolved to function in a realm where there is very little ambient light. In fact, bright light is a weapon to our underground friends, and they have been known to use it. There have been numerous UFO reports in which bright light was reportedly used to disorient witnesses. In fact, the only “weapon” these guys have ever been known to use against humans is light.
6. Every human civilization has stories of the little people who live below.
There are more reasons to believe in an underground race of humans than there are to believe they have come here from another planet.
So we have no need to fear visitors from outer space, at least not at this time. But it might be a good idea to realize the true nature of UFOs and the little aliens who drive them. They might have some technology which could keep us from totally wrecking our planet, and make our lives better. Or maybe they will just kill us.
Either way, they are our neighbors and we do have common ancestors. (GATOR)
Dave is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.
He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink.”
The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave, with a confused look on his face says, “I don’t care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink.”
The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads.
Twenty minutes later, Dave approaches the ladies and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”
One of the ladies said, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”
The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”
Dave asks, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”
The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussies.”
Dave says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”
Buddy and Earl were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Buddy glanced over and noticed that Earl’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Buddy said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Earl said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Buddy said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Earl said.
“Straight, like normal,” Buddy said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Earl said.
Buddy finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Earl said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Buddy said. “Like normal.”
“Fuck!” Earl said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it out like a dishrag!”
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend in a hotel.
After having great sex, the girlfriend spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles – something she loved to do.
As the man was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?”
“Because” she replied, “I really miss mine.”
Mike and Frank are sitting in a bar sipping Johnny Walker Black Label when Frank noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner.
As he was getting up to talk to her the bartender said, “Hey don’t worry about her, she is a lesbian!”
Frank, “Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them,” and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table.
Then stepping forward in a very sexy voice he said, “Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?”
Jerry walks into a bar ordered two shots of vodka. He drank the first and poured the second over his right hand.
Then he ordered another two shots of vodka, drank one and tipped the other over his right hand.
After watching Jerry do the same thing for third time, the bartender asked, “Why do you keep wasting good drink?”
Jerry slurred, “If you must know, I am trying to get my date drunk.”
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you want to break down and cry!”
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just there for decoration!”
How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again until we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”
The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”
Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”
“Hmm,” says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Your nose must be all stopped up. And next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”
A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Man: All right then how about on the last date?
A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked ” Do you know what it is?” Johnny replied “No.” The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Johnny said “Noooo.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.
“JOHNNY, SPIT IT OUT……….IT’S A PIECE OF ASS!”
Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnny: Sure, out in back of the church yard.
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken
Q. What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They’re both empty from the neck up.
Nobody should be allowed to use the term “Happy Hour” unless they serve booze.
It pisses me off to see a daycare center with a “happy hour” sign – unless they’re willing to serve up some liquor to the parents, in which case I’d be more inclined to allow it.
Taco Bell, that authentic taste of Old Mexico, has now introduced “happy hour” – I’m not sure what it is, but you can bet your ass there’s no alcohol involved.
Starbucks now has a happy hour. But they still don’t serve any kind of booze. There are an untold number of restaurants which advertise their version of happy hour, with not one drop of John Barleycorn on the premises.
So how in the Sam Hell can they call it happy hour, when there isn’t anything happy about it? Happy Hour with no liquor is like sex without the girl; a bank account with no money; Stevie Ray without his guitar. It’s going to be a pretty lame happy hour without the juice, is it not?
The phrase “Happy Hour” was first created by sailors in the British Navy. For one hour a day before “taps” sent them to their bunks, the sailors would get their ration of grog and have a little drinking party on the main deck.
It was always about the grog., and skippers who didn’t give out the sauce didn’t have any happy hours, just a gang of sullen angry guys with bad attitudes. Can you blame them?
There are even churches with happy hours now. One advertises this: “Our Happy Hour gatherings include informal networking time and an opportunity to relax after the work day.”
First and fucking foremost, it’s hard to relax inside of a church. Next you’ve got all of these bastards trying to “network” with you. That’s gotta be as bad as a swarm of angry mosquitoes. And finally, there’s no booze.
Why would you willfully and intentionally subject yourself to such torment?
I guarantee you, I could do a lot better at “informal networking” – if I cared to do so – at any neighborhood watering hole. The glow of cocktails lubricates the process, making it easy to make connections.
As for relaxing after the work day, that just ain’t going to happen at church. How am I supposed to relax, when lightning from heaven may strike me dead at any moment?
Oh sure, lightning can theoretically strike me down at the corner pub, but have you ever seen it happen? I haven’t.
All of these phony happy hours irritate me. It makes me want to walk in the place and order a shot of Bombay Sapphire. “Calling Dr. Bombay, come in Dr. Bombay…”
Another baronym (bar word) that’s being misappropriated is “shot” – as in, “gimme another shot of that rotgut horsekiller whiskey.”
These days, you can get a “shot” of energy drink, juice, coffee, and yogurt. None of them have a trace of alcohol in them.
Is nothing sacred anymore? Will “happy hour” degenerate into some stupid fucking Walt Disney family-friendly hour of spending money without relaxing? How can a tradition so pure and good be abducted by the soul-less corporate automatons who scrabble over your last twenty bucks?
If I ever decide to have a “happy hour” at my printing shop, there will be plenty of booze and mixers. That’s what happy hour means.
Some of you ignorant Yankee yuppies out there might go down to the smoothie shop at happy hour and do a couple of shots of some fruity boozeless cocktail.
Then you can get up on your hind legs and pretend like you’re supposed to be a real man.
I‘ll be keeping it real, Happy Hour that is, down at the local bar…
It is now against the law to get in the passing lane and drive at the speed limit in Texas – that’s the left-hand lane for those of you who are too dumb to know that. The police are out writing tickets at this very moment.
I hope they catch you, you son of a bitch. I hope the cops see you in your stupid dually roadhog – which you can’t even drive worth a shit – tooling down Gulf Freeway going 56 mph in the passing lane, and pull you over.
While you’re blocking everyone else who is actually trying to get somewhere, you’re all spaced out, talking on your Galaxy phone and sending tweets out to your twats or posting your lame loser status on Facebook.
Can’t you move that goddamned behemoth over into the slow lane (that would be the right lane) and creep along where you’re not stopping me and everyone else? Must we all rust up while we dawdle along behind you?
You might not realize it, but the rest of us driving down the road are not on a fucking sightseeing trip. We’re not out there driving just to catch a glimpse of the beautiful sunset silhouetting the refinery towers. We’re driving because we are going somewhere where we can drink, smoke, fuck, talk, eat, make money, and buy shit, you slowpoke fuckhead.
I hope they pull you over and strip search you on the side of the road.
I hope you forget your court date, a warrant is issued, and they serve that warrant at your job, where everyone can see how you look in a pair of handcuffs. Then, I hope they put you in a filthy cell with a big mean hairy tattooed parole violator with a fucked up nickname like “Mister Happy” or “Bang Bang.”
It‘s no longer legal for you to get over to the left and say to yourself “I‘m doing the speed limit, so back off motherfuckers.” The great State of Texas has decreed that those of us who haul ass should have the exclusive use of the fast lane. So please move out of the way, lardass. I ain’t got no time to waste.
Trust The Fonz:
Hi senior citizen, it’s your friendly banker here, and have I got a deal for you.
Remember how I financed your house for you? Remember how you paid me a total of $450,000 for a house that appraised at less than one-fourth of that amount?
Remember how I told you that a home was the best investment you could ever make?
Well, now I am ready to buy that house from you for a whopping $35,000! Yep, isn’t that great news? It’s a new thing we call a “reverse mortgage” and you might have noticed a bunch of has-beens on TV talking about it, trying to sell you on the idea.
Fred Thompson, Robert Wagner, and even the Fonz are all selling reverse mortgages. So you know it has to be a good thing. Of course, none of them has signed up for one…
The fact is, these are tough times for bankers. We’ve managed to devour almost all of the pensions and retirement plans in America, and we have screwed the working man until he really ain’t got a pot left to piss in.
So now we must turn our sights to seniors, who are the last segment of society that holds any significant wealth. Most of that wealth is tied up in family homes, so that is what we’re now going after.
Luckily for us, the US government is allowing us to get away with a greedy scheme which might eventually become the largest collective fuck-job ripoff in history.
Basically, the way it works is, we send you a check every month for a couple of hundred bucks while we wait for you to die. You still have to pay the taxes, insurance, and upkeep on the property, so your net is going to be pretty close to zero. Then, as soon as you’re dead, we swoop in and take possession. You won’t have to worry about your heirs fighting over the house, because we will get it.
Then, we will slap a coat of paint on it, sell it for a half-million to the next moron to come along, and then steal it back from him as soon as he gets old and realizes he can’t live on Social Security either.
So, in the final analysis, you were merely renting that house from me. It was mine before you bought it, it was mine while you were paying on it, and it will be mine when you’re dead and gone. So shut up and sign.
Line up, senior citizens, and sell the family legacy for chump change to a guy who hopes you won’t live much longer.
Alvis Wayne Samford was born in Puduka, Texas on New Year’s Eve of 1937 to Alva and Nona Samford. He was the oldest of five children.
Music was to become an important part of Alvis’ life. He pulled corn all summer on his aunt and uncle’s farm to earn enough money for his first guitar. Alvis was ten years old when his aunt ordered him one from the Sears & Roebuck Catalogue for $18.98. He taught himself how to play. The first song he knew all the chords to was ‘Goodnight Irene’.
Soon, in the evening and on weekends, Alvis was performing in honky tonks and nightclubs for little more than beer money when local musician Tony Wayne (no relation) approached him about being front man. Tony had a group called the Rhythm Wranglers.
Alvis told me in an interview several years ago “My mom and dad were not very happy about me going out on the road, but I had an opportunity to do so with a band, which was the only thing I ever wanted to do. They weren’t happy at all and we talked about it for several days but I just had to go, and they eventually went along with it all and didn’t hold me back.”
Alvis’s first record was pressed at King Records in Cincinnati in both 45 and 78 rpm formats. Despite frequent local airplay it never really got mush play outside of the southeast Texas area, selling probably no more than two thousand copies. Two months later he returned to the studio for his second session. ‘Don’t Mean Maybe Baby / I’d Rather Be With You’ was to be Alvis’s biggest record. Released in late 1957, it contained some great vocal work as well as inspired guitar and piano work. His early work had a great influence on other artists.
But the record was not a giant hit, and Alvis had to earn a living. He soon got married, started a family and enlisted in the Air Force. By the mid sixties Alvis had settled down in Bacliff and was working for Braniff Airlines. His music seemed forgotten.
Then, in 1974, Rollin Rock Records sought out Alvis Wayne. He recorded three new sides just singing and accompanying himself on guitar. It was a hit in England. Rollin Rock Records then bought out Alvis entire collection of singles to compile an album. As the rockabilly revival gathered momentum in the late 70s, many of the pioneers like Alvis were rediscovered.
“If I could go back and change anything I would never have got married the first time and I wouldn’t have had to worry about all that family stuff I gave up my music for, and I just might have made it. But I just couldn’t keep my self from falling in love.” (Alvis says his first wife cut up all of his scrapbooks, which were full of photos, newspaper articles etc.)
In September 1994, Perry Williamson of ‘Pink & Black Records’ fame decided that one of his newest ventures would be to issue an Alvis Wayne album, something that had never been done before. With the help of Ronny Weiser and John Beecher, the LP collected together all of his Westport and Rollin’ Rock material.
Alvis had become the subject of a cult following in the United Kingdom, where his singles were in great demand. When he finally went there to appear live, a sold out crowd of 40,000 Londoners attended. He was greeted at Heathrow airport by thousands of fans, and quickly ushered into a cream-white limousine.
Later that year, he was inducted into the Rockabilly Hall Of Fame.
It was as famous as he would ever be.
Alvis Wayne settled in Bacliff, Texas, where he was a popular member of the Fraternal Order Of Eagles, and served at various times as Trustee, President, and Treasurer. He also hosted jam sessions there that were sometimes magical events, featuring some of the best talent in this part of Texas. He passed away on July 31, 2013 at the age of 75 at his home in Bacliff.
His influence lives on in younger musicians who learned from his licks.
Local karaoke singer Brenda Starr announced this month that she has signed a contract with Columbia Records.
Starr is known for her stirring and seemingly interminable rendition of “The Rose” and her saucy stylization of the song “Fancy” first made famous by Reba McIntyre.
She has been known as much for her onstage antics and showmanship as for her singing. Starr often flashes her tits and makes sexual peccadilloes to the audience.
Her outfits are typically skin-tight and brightly colored, and her fans (both of them are males) never know what to expect.
Columbia, which is now fully owned by the Sony Corporation, remains the world’s largest recording company.
Terms of the contract signed by Starr were not immediately available, but it is believed that Columbia will send Starr 6 CDs for $1, after which she must purchase six of them at the regular price during a 12 month period.
The 9-11 tragedy really has more questions than answers. Everybody knows Rosie O’Donnell is a dumb bitch, but there are still some valid questions that persist. They are mostly “why” questions. See how many of them you feel might have a rational explanation:
WHY were there no windows on the planes that struck the WTC? Witnesses told investigators the planes had no windows. The photos and videos clearly show planes without any windows striking the World Trade Center. Where are the windows?
WHY did the security company responsible for the WTC remove the bomb-sniffing dogs from duty on September 6 – five days before the attack? That company, incidentally, was run by Marvin Bush, brother of the President.
WHY did asbestos-coated steel supports designed to withstand temperatures in excess of 3,000 degrees quickly collapse in the 600 degree temperatures jet fuel burns at?
WHY was Haji Hansour, alleged pilot of the plane that hit the Pentagon, able to execute a 330-degree turn and flawlessly fly a Boeing 757 two feet off the lawn to hit the Pentagon – after being kicked out of flight school for being unable to handle a single-engine Cessna?
WHY have there been no clear pictures or videos of a plane hitting the Pentagon – arguably the place on Earth with the most surveillance cameras?
WHY was a plane which was over 100 feet wide, with two massive six-ton titanium engines, able to completely disappear into a hole in the Pentagon less than 15 feet wide?
WHY were many passengers supposedly able to make cell phone calls from 32,000 feet – a feat which has been proven to be impossible by multiple scientific investigations?
WHY has not one single person who received a 9-11 cell phone call come forward to simply show their phone bill, to prove the call actually happened?
WHY did Solicitor General Ted Olsen claim his wife called him collect from the plane, when this is impossible to do. WHY did he later change his story twice?
WHY are more than half of the accused hijackers named and shown on TV known to be persons who are alive and well, and presently living in Saudi Arabia?
WHY is it that none of the hijackers were listed as passengers aboard any of the planes, and every passenger has been accounted for. How were 19 Arabs without tickets, who were not on the passenger lists, able to sneak aboard the planes?
WHY in the poor-quality video of Bin Laden admitting that Al Qaeda planned the attacks, is he seen writing with his right hand, when he is known to be left-handed?
WHY did the BBC report building #7 had collapsed nearly a half-hour before it collapsed, while the building still stood in the background of the reporter? How were they able to predict this? It’s not the kind of thing you err about, so where did this advance information originate?
WHY was the US Military holding military exercises simulating mass hijackings on 9-11?
WHY did Vice President Cheney (according to Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta) order an aide not to shoot down the plane that then struck the Pentagon?
WHY did people and corporations who made thousands of stock trades which profited off what had to be advance knowledge of the tragedies of 9-11 never face justice?
WHY did the government claim the trades were made “anonymously” when no such method of stock trading exists or ever has existed in the United States?
WHY did former President George Bush Sr. meet with Osama Bin Laden’s brother, Salem Bin Laden, in Washington DC on September 10th, the day before the attacks?
WHY did federal agents shut down over 500 Arab websites just three days before the attacks?
WHY was Saddam Hussein blamed for 9-11, when he was known to be marked for death by Osama’s Al Qaeda group?
WHY did Bush lawyer James Bath tell Taliban officials two months before 9-11 that the US
would bury them under a “carpet of bombs” if they did not sign a pipeline deal with Unocal?
WHY did Unocal executive Hamid Karzai get appointed President of Afghanistan?
WHY did the Secret Service not whisk the President to a safe location immediately when the attacks began, instead waiting 45 minutes for him to finish reading a book about a goat?
WHY, with one hour and twenty minutes notice, was the United States unable to get a single fighter jet into the air over the US capitol to protect the Pentagon?
WHY were the suicidal hijackers said to be religious men willing to die for their faith – yet allegedly spent lots of time hanging out in topless clubs and drinking – forbidden by Islam?
WHY was the top hijacker Mohammed Atta spotted on the yacht of Republican super-crook Jack Abramoff shortly before the 9-11 attacks occurred?
WHY was the Bin Laden family protected and allowed to leave the US after the attacks?
WHY did Bush and Cheney vehemently oppose the 9-11 Commission?
WHY did Bush refuse to testify under oath, and only agreed to testify if Cheney was with him?
WHY did FEMA set up a full-scale disaster recovery team in Manhattan the day before 9-11?
WHY did Israeli employees of Odigo receive text warnings 2 hours before the attacks?
WHY did the FBI prevent the NTSB from investigating the crash sites?
WHY are the black boxes from all the planes still missing?
WHY did Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announce on the day before 9-11 that over $2 billion of Pentagon funds were somehow unaccounted for?
WHY were two US Navy carrier groups and 17,000 US troops presciently sent to the middle east a few weeks before the attacks?
WHY was AWOL US Naval Intelligence Officer Delmart Vreeland able to warn of the attacks four months ahead of time, with a document placed in a sealed envelope inside of a safe in a Canadian prison which wasn‘t opened until after the attacks?
WHY was the largest gold reserve in the US lost under the WTC rubble?
By far the biggest question is, WHY are so many otherwise intelligent Americans willing to believe the “official” version, when it is so obviously flawed? Why are they able to ignore these questions and blindly accept what us Texans refer to as a pile of bullshit?
If there were a couple of unanswered questions, I could accept that. But there are too many.
This thing stinks. Somebody’s pissing on my head and telling me it’s raining. Put me on the list of people (with that fat bitch Rosie) who think it was an inside job.
Before anyone thinks, “Okay asshole. You get nothing next Christmas!” please realize that I don’t want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here. I’m all grown up and have a nice career. If I need something, I don’t ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult. What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know….sleep I guess. What I can tell you is this: Here are some things that I got, but didn’t want this holiday season:
Novelty Boxer Shorts:
Unless the woman you’re trying to seduce has a fantasy about sex with a clown, there’s no reason to own underwear covered in images of Homer Simpson or Charlie Brown. “But it’s a holiday theme!” Yeah, right.
The “Publishing For Dummies” book
I know that scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren’t tangible like “running” or in this case, “spitting in my face,” but I must say, you’ve come close with your choice to give me this “For Dummies” book. I know you don’t understand what I do for a living, but what in the world have I done to earn this dubious distinction? Why not just give me a job application to Wal-Mart?
The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I can’t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my hatred of cats. We’ve all been there, but next time you’re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, just grab some beer. And if you don’t mind, grab the mail on the way in.
The DVD first season of Matlock
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court’s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information?
The tiny gift card for the expensive store
Wow, $10 at Neiman Marcus! Now if I can just scrape together another $50 out of my own pocket, they’ll let me lie on the floor while the janitor pisses on me!
The charitable donation made in my name
What, am I fucking dead? Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn’t work like a gift card. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, you might buy me some of that booze made by monks.
The hobby starter set
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I’m going to have soon and don’t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I’m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days chasing bugs around with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.
The cult book
Yes, I’ve heard of The Secret and honestly I’m glad you’ve found something to distract you from the fact that you‘re a fucking loser. However, I am not ready to drink the poison kool-aid, and would appreciate it if you would not use the holiday as an opportunity to try to infect me with your belief in invisible entities with super powers who plan to kill me!
On the positive side, thanks for the great shirt, the coffee mug, and the heavy duty nose-hair trimmer. All of them are already making themselves useful!
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.
“In this country … we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives …
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and masks over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4’ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.’
The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’
The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.” “Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. “If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?”
Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: “What about you Peter? How would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ”
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window…He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, catching crabs – that’s why I’m here!”
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,
“I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says,
“A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man explains, shaking the watch, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large ten point buck standing at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the buck fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that buck.”
The doctor replied, “That‘s what I‘m sayin…”
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Houston, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him she need to file her tax return.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks,” What is your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let us try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I ‘ m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised more than 600 cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is!”
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found.
So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole..!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.”
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story –
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A guy spent the day at a nude beach and, accidentally, fell asleep in the sun. Well, he’d covered himself with suntan lotion but he missed a spot and, of course, he awoke to find his manhood had been severely sunburned. He was pretty depressed ’cause he’d planned a date for that night. Anyhow, the young man was determined not to miss his date, because it was with a hot blonde, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things.”