Author Archives: Gator

Texans to be allowed to carry swords, machetes in public places:

Fû¢k Y’all, I’m from Texas!

Governor Abbott has signed House Bill 1935 into law, and starting September 1st, you can carry around any kind of knife or bladed weapon you want.

Switchblades, Machetes, Ninja swords, Broadswords, big ol’ Crocodile Dundee style Bowie knives, spears, all will be legal to carry around with you in public.

You’ll be able to walk into a daycare center with a machete strapped around your waist, and nobody can do a damn thing to stop you.  Don’t mess with Texas!

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Cop accused of robbing dead man had other troubles…

The Texas City cop accused of robbing a dead man was never regarded as a model police officer, even though he was a third-generation policeman.

Crouch had unsatisfactory performance reviews over his decade on the force, personnel records show. In 2011 he got several “unsatisfactory” ratings in supervisors’ annual performance review. “Officer Crouch has made poor decisions throughout this year that has caused his supervisors to lose confidence in his quality of work output,” the supervisors wrote. “Officer Crouch hung up on, yelled at, and pointed his finger at a sergeant of this Department. Inexcuseable!” On that evaluation, Crouch acknowledged that he “had a bad year,” which he attributed to going through five surgeries and a divorce. He added, “Thanks to all for standing beside me and allowing me to keep my job. I need it for myself and my family. Thanks again.”
Most recently, Crouch was reprimanded and suspended last year due to a “pattern of dereliction by Cpl. Crouch in not completing reports” and other incompetence, including the failure to properly investigate a Sept. 9, 2016, car crash that left a 6-year-old child with life-threatening injuries. A sergeant’s review of that incident concludes, “Not only did Corporal Crouch violate several TCPD policies, his incompetent police work may have jeopardized this criminal case by not documenting what was reported to him.”  Crouch replied on Oct. 18, that the report wasn’t submitted because his computer turned off. He ended his three-page letter, “I am asking for your help (due to) loss of money due to having an increase in child support. It takes almost everything I am making to support my kids and myself.” Someone with Crouch’s rank and tenure makes about $71,000 a year, according to a published Texas City Police Department payscale.
Crouch was not the first member of his family to leave the Texas City Police Department under a cloud. His grandfather, Clarence L. Crouch, was fired from the department after an incident on Nov. 29, 1966, according to civil service commission records obtained by the Mabes’ attorney. Crouch and his partner were on patrol when they found a door ajar at a business, which they entered, according to the commission records. Crouch “removed several transistor radios without the owner’s permission (and) stated to the officer accompanying him that the radios would make good Christmas gifts.”
In Linnard R. Crouch Jr.’s poor job evaluation for 2011, the police chief wrote a note in neat cursive:”You have what it takes! … Being a 3rd generation cop comes with a lot of responsibilities and expectations. The ball is in your court.” It is not clear whether Chief Robert Burby was aware of his grandfather’s November 1966 incident, which happened almost exactly a half-century before the December 2016 incident that led Burby to accept the grandson’s resignation.

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Gator’s Rant: Trump to meet with Putin

This coming week is where we all find out whether Donald J Trump is our President or Putin’s bitch. It all comes down to what happens next week when they hold their meeting at the G20 conference.

I hope Trump will do to Putin what he did to a mock CNN reporter in a video released last week – kick his ass.  The Russians are our enemy, and have been for a long time. We don’t need them to help us fight terrorism. Hell, they got their asses kicked in Afghanistan, remember that?

Our long history with the Russians goes back to the end of World War 2.  At the end of the war, we occupied some of the Axis territory. In the places we occupied, we established prospering democracies (Japan, W. Germany). In areas occupied by the Russians, they set up oppressive puppet regimes and enslaved the people. Not only that, they also planted missiles in Cuba, 70 miles off our coast.  Their leaders said things like “We will bury you!” to America.  They armed the Viet Cong.  They supported all of our enemies. We lived in fear of a mutually destructive nuclear war because of their aggression.

Russia, even going back 1,000 years, has always been oppressive to their neighbors.

But the main thing that pisses me off at them is that they tried to interfere with our elections by hacking voter systems in at least 31 states. To me, that is an act of war. This is certainly no time to be kissing their asses.

Not to mention that the Russians are backing Assad in Syria; have seized territory in Ukraine and the Crimea; are against NATO; and have interfered in elections of our allies.

While I’m mentioning NATO, let me say that it has been the most successful multinational agreement in human history. Prior to NATO, a war broke out every 20-30 years in Europe going back many centuries. Since NATO, nada. None. Zip. NATO keeps the bad guys, like Putin, in check. Trump ought to tell Putin that not only is NATO here to stay, but that we’re thinking of making it even bigger and badder than ever!

Putin is a very bad man. He assassinates people in his country and around the world on a regular basis. He and his cronies have robbed that country to make themselves rich.

Trump needs to tell that son of a bitch that he had better call off his dogs, or expect an ass whipping. Period.  It is time to bitch-slap the Russians, and the only guy who can do that is our President.

If he fails to do so, it will prove to the world that he has no balls and does not deserve to lead this great country.

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Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs


As dozens of major American corporations continue to move their manufacturing operations to Mexico, waves of job-seeking Mexican immigrants to the United States have begun making the deadly journey back across the border in search of better-paying Mexican-based American jobs.
“I came to this country seeking the job I sought when I first left this country,” said Anuncio Reyes, 22, an undocumented worker who recrossed the U.S. border into Mexico last month, three years after leaving Mexico for the United States to work as an agricultural day laborer. Reyes now works as a spot-welder on the assembly line of a Maytag large-appliance plant and earns $22 a day, most of which he sends back to his family in the U.S., who in turn send a portion of that back to the original family they left in Mexico.
Like many former Mexican-Americans forced by circumstance to become American-Mexicans, Reyes dreams of one day bringing his relatives to Mexico so that they, too, may secure high-paying American jobs there.
Despite the considerable risk illegal immigrants face in returning across the border, many find the lure of large U.S. factory salaries hard to resist – these positions pay three times what Mexican jobs do.

There is an increasing motivation to return before the Trump administration constructs the proposed border wall. “When the wall is built, we will then be trapped in the United States, and have no way to get back into Mexico,” said Carla Benitez, an undocumented worker in Laredo; “So now the ‘coyotes’ who get paid to smuggle people across the border are making money both ways.”

The danger is very real. When 31-year-old illegal Texas resident Ignacio Jimenez sought employment at an American plant in Mexico, he was shot at by Mexican border guards as he attempted to illegally enter the country of his citizenship, pursued by U.S. immigration officials who thought he might be entering the country illegally, and he was also fired upon again by a citizens volunteer group called the Minutemen.
They eventually fished him out of the river and sent him back to his job washing dishes at TGI Friday’s in McAllen.
Strangely, the trend of illegal re-emigration is causing great resentment among the local Mexican population, and tension between Mexicans and illegally re-entered Mexicans – called “repatriados” – continues to build.
“I hate these Mexicans, always coming back here to Mexico from America and taking American jobs from the Mexicans who stayed in Mexico,” said 55-year-old former Goodyear factory manager Miguel Diaz, who says he lost his management job to a better-trained repatriado last March.
“Why don’t they go back to where they went to and leave our jobs alone?”

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Latest track for Tropical Storm Cindy

from NOAA:

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Flying Saucer crash at Roswell in 1947

In 1947 an object crashed to the ground near a ranch in New Mexico. The object was officially stated to be a United States Air Force Balloon by the United States Military. This was generally accepted until the 1970s when a variety of Extra Terrestrial related theories began surfacing. The Rancher who saw the crash, William Brazel, is reported as saying that indestructible metal no wider than tinfoil was found with strange markings etched upon its surface. The writings/etchings were in different colors with different geometric patterns. Brazel came under severe pressure from government officials. A column written by the current local newspaper at the time ran with the headline “Harassed Rancher Sorry he ever told about it”. It was not only Brazel who noticed the disk. A number of people have claimed to have seen debris from the flying object strewn over a wider area.

Here is the radio news broadcast heard that day:

Read the full illustrated story here

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Sister of Crystal Beach Drowning Victim Was Murdered 2 Years Ago


While family and friends mourn the tragic drowning death of Brandy Mosley at Crystal Beach, they also remember the tragic murder which took the life of her 29 year-old sister almost two years ago. Vanessa Nicole Melson, mother of 3, disappeared from her home in Grapeland TX on June 16, 2015.

Melson went missing after leaving her father’s residence in Grapeland, allegedly getting into a gray 2014 Chevrolet pickup truck owned by Robert David Mobley Jr., age 40. Melson’s body was found in a shallow grave on Mobley’s property three weeks later after the Grapeland Police Department received a tip.

Mobley has been charged since August of 2015 in connection to the death of Vanessa Melson. According to reports, Melson’s stepfather saw Melson get into a pickup with a man who the stepfather recognized as Mobley. He said that was the last time he saw Melson alive. Witnesses said they saw Mobley beating Melson up as well as shooting her up repeatedly with meth. They said Mobley did it because he claimed Melson was a snitch.

In a video statement, Brenna Theurer told authorities that Vanessa Melson was screaming in pain at 6 a.m. on June 17, 2015, adding that she was begging for her life and to be allowed to see her children. “Robert Mobley would only tell her to shut the f— up,” the witness stated. Theurer confronted Mobley and told him to stop. Then, according to Theurer, Mobley approached her and told her she would be next if she did not shut up and that he would kill her if she contacted law enforcement.

The affidavit stated that as the beating got worse, Theurer told the other witness, James Henderson, that she was going to call 911, but he told her to sit down and shut up before she was next. Theurer told authorities that because she was in fear for her life she fled to the back of the house. About 15 minutes later, Vanessa Melson grew quiet, and Theurer went back into the den area of the home, where she saw Mobley and Henderson facing away from her and looking at Vanessa Melson’s still body laying partially in the laundry room and partially in the garage.

In a bizarre twist, while awaiting trial in the county jail, Mobley is charged with a sexual assault of another male inmate in the jail shower on January 27th of this year.

With the apparent drowning of 33 year-old Brandy Mosley, who drowned after she went into rough surf at Crystal Beach to rescue her 4 year-old son, family and friends are now facing a new round of overwhelming grief.

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Texas woman calls 911 upset over wait for chicken nuggets order

Woman told police she wanted the nuggets for free due to wait

Waco Police Department officers were dispatched to an “emergency” in the drive thru of a McDonald’s restaurant Friday night, but when they arrived all they found was a woman who wasn’t “Lovin’ It.”

A Facebook post from the Department said the woman called 911 after restaurant employees did not give her her chicken nuggets order for free. The woman told authorities her order took too long, so she didn’t want to pay for it.

Dispatchers sent two officers out on the call. The woman did not get her nuggets for free.

A representative from Waco’s records department said the woman with the chicken nuggets emergency is not expected to face charges.

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Trump Asked White House Janitor for “Loyalty” Oath

Luther Rabble, who was fired from his job as janitor at the White House last month, was apparently asked to swear his loyalty to the President in a one-on-one meeting inside the White House in February.
“The whole cleaning crew was there,” Rabble told a Gator Press reporter in an exclusive interview, “But he shooed the rest of the folks out until it was just me and him. Then he grabbed me around my throat and shoved me up against the wall, and said in a real low voice ‘I need you to be loyal to me’ and then let me go. I told him he could expect cleanliness from me, that I would be loyally clean.”
Rabble also said the President asked him to keep quiet about a case of toilet tissue that had gone missing from the office of former Director of National Security Mike Flynn, saying, “I hope you can just forget about the whole Flynn toilet tissue thing.”
After the meeting with Trump, the janitor, who had served as a government janitor for over two decades, says he immediately wrote a memo, detailing exactly what was said. He later leaked that memo to a reporter. He was fired by the President two weeks later.
Rabble is now a private citizen, and has found work as a self-employed pharmaceutical salesman.

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Man Stabbed in Cavalier Manor

Police in San Leon are investigating a stabbing at a home in the ritzy Cavalier Manor subdivision last night. Police have not released the name of the victim, who is in fair condition at Mainland Medical Center.

Working with witnesses, police have created a composite sketch of the suspect:

If you recognize this person, please contact the San Leon Police Department.

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A Gringo visits Mexico

Traveling in Mexico is fun except for a few minor details. Like for instance, you have no idea what anyone is saying to you. And you imagine that the parts of the conversations you don’t understand are something they will laugh about with their friends for many years to come:
Me: How much is this T shirt?
Vendor: The T shirts which we are happy to sell to fat asshole gringo pigs like yourself for twice their real value are only 1200 pesos.
Of course, the only part of it that I can understand is “1200 pesos“. That’s why they are always smiling so much.

The truth is that you don’t need to know Spanish because everyone you interact with can get by in passable English anyway. So they wait patiently while you butcher their language and then ask you what you want in English.
There are many cultural things to learn in Mexico that are not mentioned in any of the guide books. (Actually, I haven’t read any guide books, but I’m sure some things would not be mentioned in them.)
For example, hotels in Mexico use the Mexican towel system.
You have to sign out towels like books in a library and if you don’t return them to the front desk by 8 PM they charge your room the full cost of the factory that made the towels in the first place.
A lot of travelers are worried about the drug dealers, kidnappers, and other criminals who run the country, especially in the border cities. Such fears are silly. One good Texan can quite easily kick the collective asses of an entire gang of  Mexican gangsters, and they are very seldom brave enough to hassle us.  If you are accosted by a thug or criminal type, just flat out tell him something like:
“Pardone, monseur, but Ich bin ein Texan and you best keipen der fuchen mitzengrabbers offenhousen!”
The most interesting part of being in Mexico is the way you are viewed as a gigantic dollar bill with arms and legs.
If you walk within 500 yards of any commercial establishment you are sure to be immediately assaulted with offers to sell you something, feed you something or do some unspecified thing to your body. “Here, amigo, we have the biggest lobsters in town and a place is waiting for you at the best table in the restaurant where our waiter will massage your back and serve you the best tequila for only 5,000 pesos.”
Many merchants have perfected their lines over the years. My favorite was at a jewelry store in Nuevo Progreso:
Two men leaped up from their chairs with open arms and shouted in a loud voice. “Ah welcome, welcome… We have been waiting patiently for you, Se?or!”
No one ever says this in real life. “Where the hell have you been” is the usual line. But here in Mexico, I am the Messiah come at last!
So I responded in a grande way, “Yes, yes, I have been waiting for you too. At last we are all here together. Now we can sit with our muchachos in a chalupa with our lumbago and drink a sombrero!”
I don’t want to be the ugly American. But no matter what you do you seem to fall into the role anyway. So you are tempted to give up.
“No, gracias.” you say repeatedly without eye contact each time you are asked to look at or buy something.
I’m sure if I were in a car accident and the ambulance attendants came to help me I would say “No gracias” and be left for dead by the side of the road.
I can’t say I’d blame them.


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UFOs / Flying Saucers are in the immediate vicinity

A careful examination of this photo, taken in San Leon, shows what appears to be three flying saucers.

The US Government is never going to disclose what really was found at Roswell, New Mexico in 1951, when a “flying disk” containing 4 small humanoids crashed there. The Army Air Force initially reported the crash of a UFO and the recovery, then later retracted the story. As a former military newsman, I can assure you that something like this would never have been given out to civilian news outlets until it had been confirmed. The public affairs officer at Roswell Army Air Field verified the facts before releasing them to the wire services, where the story made front page news across the US.
What they Army found at the crash site was reportedly some little guys about 4 feet tall, with very pale skin and huge eyes. Others have seen the same kind of little guys since then. They’re called “Gray Aliens” by UFO conspiracy theorists.
But they are not from outer space. They are actually from Earth.
The skin with no pigment and the large eyes indicate a subterranean creature, living in near complete darkness. These fellows die quickly in direct sunlight, which is exactly what happened to two of the humanoids who were reportedly still alive for awhile after the crash.
The craft they were in was small, and very lightweight. Not the sort of thing you would travel through space in. When you consider that the nearest habitable planet for humanoids is 300 light years from here, the idea that they would fly a tiny ship such a vast distance seems unlikely. Humanoids require food, water, sleeping quarters and other things, especially on a 300 year voyage.
The saucer at Roswell came from Earth, as do all flying saucers.
Here are a few of the logical reasons to believe this is so:
1. Sir Edmund Halley, the mathematician and astronomer who first discovered Halley’s Comet, proved that the Earth is hollow. He did so by measuring the mass of the Moon based on the tides, and comparing it to the mass of the Earth. His calculations prove that the Earth must be at least partially hollow. His work was commended by Isaac Newton and others, and remains provable.
2. Mass UFO sightings only started 2 weeks after the first Atomic bombs were exploded. Sightings have always been more common in areas where nuclear tests occur. That’s because these explosions shook the Earth, and the people who live below noticed it, and decided to investigate.
3. Reliable UFO sightings have always occurred at low altitudes, low enough for humans to breathe without bringing oxygen. UFOs operate in the same range as helicopters. Obviously they are made for low altitude surveillance. The disk shape is not desirable for travel through space, but is perfect for providing maximum lift with minimum power, as any Frisbee enthusiast will tell you. This is a design which was created specifically for use in an atmosphere.
4. Sightings of “alien” humanoids are always described as hairless. The lack of hair indicates they live in a place where there are no temperature extremes. That’s exactly the environment that is likely to exist below.
5. Credible sightings occur at night. That’s because the little guys down below are blinded in sunlight, but they see clearly in darkness. Their eyes have evolved to function in a realm where there is very little ambient light. In fact, bright light is a weapon to our underground friends, and they have been known to use it. There have been numerous UFO reports in which bright light was reportedly used to disorient witnesses. In fact, the only “weapon” these guys have ever been known to use against humans is light.
6. Every human civilization has stories of the little people who live below.
There are more reasons to believe in an underground race of humans than there are to believe they have come here from another planet.
So we have no need to fear visitors from outer space, at least not at this time. But it might be a good idea to realize the true nature of UFOs and the little aliens who drive them. They might have some technology which could keep us from totally wrecking our planet, and make our lives better. Or maybe they will just kill us.
Either way, they are our neighbors and we do have common ancestors.  (GATOR)

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Make me laugh…

Dave is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.
He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink.”
The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave, with a confused look on his face says, “I don’t care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink.”
The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads.
Twenty minutes later, Dave approaches the ladies and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”
One of the ladies said, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”
The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”
Dave asks, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”
The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussies.”
Dave says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

Buddy and Earl were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Buddy glanced over and noticed that Earl’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Buddy said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Earl said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Buddy said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Earl said.
“Straight, like normal,” Buddy said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Earl said.
Buddy finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Earl said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Buddy said. “Like normal.”
“Fuck!” Earl said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it out like a dishrag!”

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend in a hotel.
After having great sex, the girlfriend spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles – something she loved to do.
As the man was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?”
“Because” she replied, “I really miss mine.”

Mike and Frank are sitting in a bar sipping Johnny Walker Black Label when Frank noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner.
As he was getting up to talk to her the bartender said, “Hey don’t worry about her, she is a lesbian!”
Frank, “Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them,” and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table.
Then stepping forward in a very sexy voice he said, “Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?”

Jerry walks into a bar ordered two shots of vodka. He drank the first and poured the second over his right hand.
Then he ordered another two shots of vodka, drank one and tipped the other over his right hand.
After watching Jerry do the same thing for third time, the bartender asked, “Why do you keep wasting good drink?”
Jerry slurred, “If you must know, I am trying to get my date drunk.”

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Make me laugh & I will buy you a beer…

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you want to break down and cry!”
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just there for decoration!”

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again until we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”
The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”
Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”
“Hmm,” says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Your nose must be all stopped up. And next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Man: All right then how about on the last date?

A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked ” Do you know what it is?” Johnny replied “No.” The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Johnny said “Noooo.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.

Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnny: Sure, out in back of the church yard.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken

Q. What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They’re both empty from the neck up.

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Hands Off My Happy Hour

Nobody should be allowed to use the term “Happy Hour” unless they serve booze.
It pisses me off to see a daycare center with a “happy hour” sign – unless they’re willing to serve up some liquor to the parents, in which case I’d be more inclined to allow it.
Taco Bell, that authentic taste of Old Mexico, has now introduced “happy hour” – I’m not sure what it is, but you can bet your ass there’s no alcohol involved.
Starbucks now has a happy hour. But they still don’t serve any kind of booze.  There are an untold number of restaurants which advertise their version of happy hour, with not one drop of John Barleycorn on the premises.
So how in the Sam Hell can they call it happy hour, when there isn’t anything happy about it? Happy Hour with no liquor is like sex without the girl; a bank account with no money; Stevie Ray without his guitar.  It’s going to be a pretty lame happy hour without the juice, is it not?

Starbucks has introduced a lame yuppie version of Happy Hour for suburban Mollies & Milktoasts...

The phrase “Happy Hour” was first created by sailors in the British Navy. For one hour a day before “taps” sent them to their bunks, the sailors would get their ration of grog and have a little drinking party on the main deck.
It was always about the grog., and skippers who didn’t give out the sauce didn’t have any happy hours, just a gang of sullen angry guys with bad attitudes. Can you blame them?

"Happy Hour at Home" with no booze, and also no meat. WTF is wrong with this picture? Has Happy Hour turned into a schmuck in a bow tie with some veggies, at home?

There are even churches with happy hours now.  One advertises this: “Our Happy Hour gatherings include informal networking time and an opportunity to relax after the work day.”
First and fucking foremost, it’s hard to relax inside of a church. Next you’ve got all of these bastards trying to “network” with you. That’s gotta be as bad as a swarm of angry mosquitoes. And finally, there’s no booze.
Why would you willfully and intentionally subject yourself to such torment?
I guarantee you, I could do a lot better at “informal networking” – if I cared to do so – at any neighborhood watering hole.  The glow of cocktails lubricates the process, making it easy to make connections.
As for relaxing after the work day, that just ain’t going to happen at church. How am I supposed to relax, when lightning from heaven may strike me dead at any moment?
Oh sure, lightning can theoretically strike me down at the corner pub, but have you ever seen it happen? I haven’t.

Happy Hour at 8 in the morning, with Jesus, no booze, and a guy who looks like a pro wrestler passing on marching orders from the almighty... sounds like a real blast... You go on ahead, I'll catch up with you...

All of these phony happy hours irritate me. It makes me want to walk in the place and order a shot of Bombay Sapphire. “Calling Dr. Bombay, come in Dr. Bombay…”
Another baronym (bar word) that’s being misappropriated is “shot” – as in, “gimme another shot of that rotgut horsekiller whiskey.”
These days, you can get a “shot” of energy drink, juice, coffee, and yogurt.  None of them have a trace of alcohol in them.
Is nothing sacred anymore? Will “happy hour” degenerate into some stupid fucking Walt Disney family-friendly hour of spending money without relaxing?  How can a tradition so pure and good be abducted by the soul-less corporate automatons who scrabble over your last twenty bucks?
If I ever decide to have a “happy hour” at my printing shop, there will be plenty of booze and mixers. That’s what happy hour means.

Some of you ignorant Yankee yuppies out there might go down to the smoothie shop at happy hour and do a couple of shots of some fruity boozeless cocktail.
Then you can get up on your hind legs and pretend like you’re supposed to be a real man.
I‘ll be keeping it real, Happy Hour that is, down at the local bar…


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Move over, asshole!

It is now against the law to get in the passing lane and drive at the speed limit in Texas – that’s the left-hand lane for those of you who are too dumb to know that. The police are out writing tickets at this very moment.
I hope they catch you, you son of a bitch. I hope the cops see you in your stupid dually roadhog – which you can’t even drive worth a shit – tooling down Gulf Freeway going 56 mph in the passing lane, and pull you over.
While you’re blocking everyone else who is actually trying to get somewhere, you’re all spaced out, talking on your Galaxy phone and sending tweets out to your twats or posting your lame loser status on Facebook.
Can’t you move that goddamned behemoth over into the slow lane (that would be the right lane) and creep along where you’re not stopping me and everyone else? Must we all rust up while we dawdle along behind you?
You might not realize it, but the rest of us driving down the road are not on a fucking sightseeing trip. We’re not out there driving just to catch a glimpse of the beautiful sunset silhouetting the refinery towers. We’re driving because we are going somewhere where we can drink, smoke, fuck, talk, eat, make money, and buy shit, you slowpoke fuckhead.
I hope they pull you over and strip search you on the side of the road.
I hope you forget your court date, a warrant is issued, and they serve that warrant at your job, where everyone can see how you look in a pair of handcuffs. Then, I hope they put you in a filthy cell with a big mean hairy tattooed parole violator with a fucked up nickname like “Mister Happy” or “Bang Bang.”
It‘s no longer legal for you to get over to the left and say to yourself “I‘m doing the speed limit, so back off motherfuckers.” The great State of Texas has decreed that those of us who haul ass should have the exclusive use of the fast lane. So please move out of the way, lardass. I ain’t got no time to waste.
Trust The Fonz:
Hi senior citizen, it’s your friendly banker here, and have I got a deal for you.
Remember how I financed your house for you? Remember how you paid me a total of $450,000 for a house that appraised at less than one-fourth of that amount?
Remember how I told you that a home was the best investment you could ever make?
Well, now I am ready to buy that house from you for a whopping $35,000! Yep, isn’t that great news? It’s a new thing we call a “reverse mortgage” and you might have noticed a bunch of has-beens on TV talking about it, trying to sell you on the idea.
Fred Thompson, Robert Wagner, and even the Fonz are all selling reverse mortgages. So you know it has to be a good thing.  Of course, none of them has signed up for one…
The fact is, these are tough times for bankers. We’ve managed to devour almost all of the pensions and retirement plans in America, and we have screwed the working man until he really ain’t got a pot left to piss in.
So now we must turn our sights to seniors, who are the last segment of society that holds any significant wealth. Most of that wealth is tied up in family homes, so that is what we’re now going after.
Luckily for us, the US government is allowing us to get away with a greedy scheme which might eventually become the largest collective fuck-job ripoff in history.
Basically, the way it works is, we send you a check every month for a couple of hundred bucks while we wait for you to die. You still have to pay the taxes, insurance, and upkeep on the property, so your net is going to be pretty close to zero. Then, as soon as you’re dead, we swoop in and take possession. You won’t have to worry about your heirs fighting over the house, because we will get it.
Then, we will slap a coat of paint on it, sell it for a half-million to the next moron to come along, and then steal it back from him as soon as he gets old and realizes he can’t live on Social Security either.
So, in the final analysis, you were merely renting that house from me. It was mine before you bought it, it was mine while you were paying on it, and it will be mine when you’re dead and gone. So shut up and sign.
Line up, senior citizens, and sell the family legacy for chump change to a guy who hopes you won’t live much longer.


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Rockabilly Pioneer Alvis Wayne – Bacliff, Texas

Alvis Wayne Samford was born in Puduka, Texas on New Year’s Eve of 1937 to Alva and Nona Samford. He was the oldest of five children.
Music was to become an important part of Alvis’ life. He pulled corn all summer on his aunt and uncle’s farm to earn enough money for his first guitar. Alvis was ten years old when his aunt ordered him one from the Sears & Roebuck Catalogue for $18.98. He taught himself how to play. The first song he knew all the chords to was ‘Goodnight Irene’.
Soon, in the evening and on weekends, Alvis was performing in honky tonks and nightclubs for little more than beer money when local musician Tony Wayne (no relation) approached him about being front man. Tony had a group called the Rhythm Wranglers.
Alvis told me in an interview several years ago “My mom and dad were not very happy about me going out on the road, but I had an opportunity to do so with a band, which was the only thing I ever wanted to do. They weren’t happy at all and we talked about it for several days but I just had to go, and they eventually went along with it all and didn’t hold me back.”
Alvis’s first record was pressed at King Records in Cincinnati in both 45 and 78 rpm formats. Despite frequent local airplay it never really got mush play outside of the southeast Texas area, selling probably no more than two thousand copies. Two months later he returned to the studio for his second session. ‘Don’t Mean Maybe Baby / I’d Rather Be With You’ was to be Alvis’s biggest record. Released in late 1957, it contained some great vocal work  as well as inspired guitar and piano work. His early work had a great influence on other artists.
But the record was not a giant hit, and Alvis had to earn a living. He soon got married, started a family and enlisted in the Air Force. By the mid sixties Alvis had settled down in Bacliff and was working for Braniff Airlines. His music seemed forgotten.
Then, in 1974, Rollin Rock Records sought out Alvis Wayne. He recorded three new sides just singing and accompanying himself on guitar. It was a hit in England. Rollin Rock Records then bought out Alvis entire collection of singles to compile an album. As the rockabilly revival gathered momentum in the late 70s, many of the pioneers like Alvis were rediscovered.
“If I could go back and change anything I would never have got married the first time and I wouldn’t have had to worry about all that family stuff I gave up my music for, and I just might have made it. But I just couldn’t keep my self from falling in love.” (Alvis says his first wife cut up all of his scrapbooks, which were full of photos, newspaper articles etc.)
In September 1994, Perry Williamson of ‘Pink & Black Records’ fame decided that one of his newest ventures would be to issue an Alvis Wayne album, something that had never been done before. With the help of Ronny Weiser and John Beecher, the LP collected together all of his Westport and Rollin’ Rock material.
Alvis had become the subject of a cult following in the United Kingdom, where his singles were in great demand. When he finally went there to appear live, a sold out crowd of 40,000 Londoners attended. He was greeted at Heathrow airport by thousands of fans, and quickly ushered into a cream-white limousine.
Later that year, he was inducted into the Rockabilly Hall Of Fame.
It was as famous as he would ever be.
Alvis Wayne settled in Bacliff, Texas, where he was a popular member of the Fraternal Order Of Eagles, and served at various times as Trustee, President, and Treasurer. He also hosted jam sessions there that were sometimes magical events, featuring some of the best talent in this part of Texas. He passed away on July 31, 2013 at the age of 75 at his home in Bacliff.
His influence lives on in younger musicians who learned from his licks.


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Karaoke singer signs with Columbia Records

Brenda Starr has reached the pinochle of success after signing a record deal with Columbia Records.

Local karaoke singer Brenda Starr announced this month that she has signed a contract with Columbia Records.
Starr is known for her stirring and seemingly interminable rendition of “The Rose” and her saucy stylization of the song “Fancy” first made famous by Reba McIntyre.
She has been known as much for her onstage antics and showmanship as for her singing. Starr often flashes her tits and makes sexual peccadilloes to the audience.
Her outfits are typically skin-tight and brightly colored, and her fans (both of them are males) never know what to expect.
Columbia, which is now fully owned by the Sony Corporation, remains the world’s largest recording company.
Terms of the contract signed by Starr were not immediately available, but it is believed that Columbia will send Starr 6 CDs for $1, after which she must purchase six of them at the regular price during a 12 month period.

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I can’t feel right until these questions are answered about 9-11….

The 9-11 tragedy really has more questions than answers. Everybody knows Rosie O’Donnell is a dumb bitch, but there are still some valid questions that persist. They are mostly “why” questions. See how many of them you feel might have a rational explanation:
WHY were there no windows on the planes that struck the WTC? Witnesses told investigators the planes had no windows. The photos and videos clearly show planes without any windows striking the World Trade Center. Where are the windows?
WHY did the security company responsible for the WTC remove the bomb-sniffing dogs from duty on September 6 – five days before the attack? That company, incidentally, was run by Marvin Bush, brother of the President.
WHY did asbestos-coated steel supports designed to withstand temperatures in excess of 3,000 degrees quickly collapse in the 600 degree temperatures jet fuel burns at?
WHY was Haji Hansour, alleged pilot of the plane that hit the Pentagon, able to execute a 330-degree turn and flawlessly fly a Boeing 757 two feet off the lawn to hit the Pentagon – after being kicked out of flight school for being unable to handle a single-engine Cessna?
WHY have there been no clear pictures or videos of a plane hitting the Pentagon – arguably the place on Earth with the most surveillance cameras?
WHY was a plane which was over 100 feet wide, with two massive six-ton titanium engines, able to completely disappear into a hole in the Pentagon less than 15 feet wide?
WHY were many passengers supposedly able to make cell phone calls from 32,000 feet – a feat which has been proven to be impossible by multiple scientific investigations?
WHY has not one single person who received a 9-11 cell phone call come forward to simply show their phone bill, to prove the call actually happened?
WHY did Solicitor General Ted Olsen claim his wife called him collect from the plane, when this is impossible to do. WHY did he later change his story twice?
WHY are more than half of the accused hijackers named and shown on TV known to be persons who are alive and well, and presently living in Saudi Arabia?
WHY is it that none of the hijackers were listed as passengers aboard any of the planes, and every passenger has been accounted for. How were 19 Arabs without tickets, who were not on the passenger lists, able to sneak aboard the planes?
WHY in the poor-quality video of Bin Laden admitting that Al Qaeda planned the attacks, is he seen writing with his right hand, when he is known to be left-handed?
WHY did the BBC report building #7 had collapsed nearly a half-hour before it collapsed, while the building still stood in the background of the reporter? How were they able to predict this? It’s not the kind of thing you err about, so where did this advance information originate?
WHY was the US Military holding military exercises simulating mass hijackings on 9-11?
WHY did Vice President Cheney (according to Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta) order an aide not to shoot down the plane that then struck the Pentagon?
WHY did people and corporations who made thousands of stock trades which profited off what had to be advance knowledge of the tragedies of 9-11 never face justice?
WHY did the government claim the trades were made “anonymously” when no such method of stock trading exists or ever has existed in the United States?
WHY did former President George Bush Sr. meet with Osama Bin Laden’s brother, Salem Bin Laden, in Washington DC on September 10th, the day before the attacks?
WHY did federal agents shut down over 500 Arab websites just three days before the attacks?
WHY was Saddam Hussein blamed for 9-11, when he was known to be marked for death by Osama’s Al Qaeda group?
WHY did Bush lawyer James Bath tell Taliban officials two months before 9-11 that the US
would bury them under a “carpet of bombs” if they did not sign a pipeline deal with Unocal?
WHY did Unocal executive Hamid Karzai get appointed President of Afghanistan?
WHY did the Secret Service not whisk the President to a safe location immediately when the attacks began, instead waiting 45 minutes for him to finish reading a book about a goat?
WHY, with one hour and twenty minutes notice, was the United States unable to get a single fighter jet into the air over the US capitol to protect the Pentagon?
WHY were the suicidal hijackers said to be religious men willing to die for their faith – yet allegedly spent lots of time hanging out in topless clubs and drinking – forbidden by Islam?
WHY was the top hijacker Mohammed Atta spotted on the yacht of Republican super-crook Jack Abramoff shortly before the 9-11 attacks occurred?
WHY was the Bin Laden family protected and allowed to leave the US after the attacks?
WHY did Bush and Cheney vehemently oppose the 9-11 Commission?
WHY did Bush refuse to testify under oath, and only agreed to testify if Cheney was with him?
WHY did FEMA set up a full-scale disaster recovery team in Manhattan the day before 9-11?
WHY did Israeli employees of Odigo receive text warnings 2 hours before the attacks?
WHY did the FBI prevent the NTSB from investigating the crash sites?
WHY are the black boxes from all the planes still missing?
WHY did Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announce on the day before 9-11 that over $2 billion of Pentagon funds were somehow unaccounted for?
WHY were two US Navy carrier groups and 17,000 US troops presciently sent to the middle east a few weeks before the attacks?
WHY was AWOL US Naval Intelligence Officer Delmart Vreeland able to warn of the attacks four months ahead of time, with a document placed in a sealed envelope inside of a safe in a Canadian prison which wasn‘t opened until after the attacks?
WHY was the largest gold reserve in the US lost under the WTC rubble?
By far the biggest question is, WHY are so many otherwise intelligent Americans willing to believe the “official” version, when it is so obviously flawed? Why are they able to ignore these questions and blindly accept what us Texans refer to as a pile of bullshit?
If there were a couple of unanswered questions, I could accept that. But there are too many.
This thing stinks. Somebody’s pissing on my head and telling me it’s raining. Put me on the list of people (with that fat bitch Rosie) who think it was an inside job.


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Gifts I Didn’t Want

this was amusing for the first three minutes...

Before anyone thinks, “Okay asshole. You get nothing next Christmas!” please realize that I don’t want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here. I’m all grown up and have a nice career. If I need something, I don’t ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult. What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know….sleep I guess. What I can tell you is this: Here are some things that I got, but didn’t want this holiday season:

Novelty Boxer Shorts:  
Unless the woman you’re trying to seduce has a fantasy about sex with a clown, there’s no reason to own underwear covered in images of  Homer Simpson or Charlie Brown. “But it’s a holiday theme!” Yeah, right.

then there was this handy little gadget, a gift from my wife...

The “Publishing For Dummies” book
I know that scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren’t tangible like “running” or in this case, “spitting in my face,” but I must say, you’ve come close with your choice to give me this “For Dummies” book. I know you don’t understand what I do for a living, but what in the world have I done to earn this dubious distinction? Why not just give me a job application to Wal-Mart?

this one is still in the box. Somehow, I have managed to go on living without it...

The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I can’t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my hatred of cats. We’ve all been there, but next time you’re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, just grab some beer. And if you don’t mind, grab the mail on the way in.

These were actually pretty good. I just picked up a big handful of peanut butter in one hand, and jelly in the other, and ate my hands!

The DVD first season of Matlock
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court’s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information?

Maybe I'm not as much of a "hat person" as I thought...

The tiny gift card for the expensive store
Wow, $10 at Neiman Marcus! Now if I can just scrape together another $50 out of my own pocket, they’ll let me lie on the floor while the janitor pisses on me!

I admit to being a lazy bastard, but this was a bit too much...

The charitable donation made in my name
What, am I fucking dead? Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn’t work like a gift card. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, you might buy me some of that booze made by monks.

This was from my Mom, who apparently buys gifts on late-night TV...

The hobby starter set
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I’m going to have soon and don’t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I’m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days chasing bugs around with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.

a stocking stuffer I will never forget...

The cult book
Yes, I’ve heard of The Secret and honestly I’m glad you’ve found something to distract you from the fact that you‘re a fucking loser. However, I am not ready to drink the poison kool-aid, and would appreciate it if you would not use the holiday as an opportunity to try to infect me with your belief in invisible entities with super powers who plan to kill me!

I keep this right next to my bed, so I can wake up and cook breakfast in bed...

On the positive side, thanks for the great shirt, the coffee mug, and the heavy duty nose-hair trimmer. All of them are already making themselves useful!


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