Category Archives: Humor

A Gringo visits Mexico

Traveling in Mexico is fun except for a few minor details. Like for instance, you have no idea what anyone is saying to you. And you imagine that the parts of the conversations you don’t understand are something they will laugh about with their friends for many years to come:
Me: How much is this T shirt?
Vendor: The T shirts which we are happy to sell to fat asshole gringo pigs like yourself for twice their real value are only 1200 pesos.
Of course, the only part of it that I can understand is “1200 pesos“. That’s why they are always smiling so much.


The truth is that you don’t need to know Spanish because everyone you interact with can get by in passable English anyway. So they wait patiently while you butcher their language and then ask you what you want in English.
There are many cultural things to learn in Mexico that are not mentioned in any of the guide books. (Actually, I haven’t read any guide books, but I’m sure some things would not be mentioned in them.)
For example, hotels in Mexico use the Mexican towel system.
You have to sign out towels like books in a library and if you don’t return them to the front desk by 8 PM they charge your room the full cost of the factory that made the towels in the first place.
A lot of travelers are worried about the drug dealers, kidnappers, and other criminals who run the country, especially in the border cities. Such fears are silly. One good Texan can quite easily kick the collective asses of an entire gang of  Mexican gangsters, and they are very seldom brave enough to hassle us.  If you are accosted by a thug or criminal type, just flat out tell him something like:
“Pardone, monseur, but Ich bin ein Texan and you best keipen der fuchen mitzengrabbers offenhousen!”
The most interesting part of being in Mexico is the way you are viewed as a gigantic dollar bill with arms and legs.
If you walk within 500 yards of any commercial establishment you are sure to be immediately assaulted with offers to sell you something, feed you something or do some unspecified thing to your body. “Here, amigo, we have the biggest lobsters in town and a place is waiting for you at the best table in the restaurant where our waiter will massage your back and serve you the best tequila for only 5,000 pesos.”
Many merchants have perfected their lines over the years. My favorite was at a jewelry store in Nuevo Progreso:
Two men leaped up from their chairs with open arms and shouted in a loud voice. “Ah welcome, welcome… We have been waiting patiently for you, Se?or!”
No one ever says this in real life. “Where the hell have you been” is the usual line. But here in Mexico, I am the Messiah come at last!
So I responded in a grande way, “Yes, yes, I have been waiting for you too. At last we are all here together. Now we can sit with our muchachos in a chalupa with our lumbago and drink a sombrero!”
I don’t want to be the ugly American. But no matter what you do you seem to fall into the role anyway. So you are tempted to give up.
“No, gracias.” you say repeatedly without eye contact each time you are asked to look at or buy something.
I’m sure if I were in a car accident and the ambulance attendants came to help me I would say “No gracias” and be left for dead by the side of the road.
I can’t say I’d blame them.

(GATOR)




Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on A Gringo visits Mexico

UFOs / Flying Saucers are in the immediate vicinity

A careful examination of this photo, taken in San Leon, shows what appears to be three flying saucers.

The US Government is never going to disclose what really was found at Roswell, New Mexico in 1951, when a “flying disk” containing 4 small humanoids crashed there. The Army Air Force initially reported the crash of a UFO and the recovery, then later retracted the story. As a former military newsman, I can assure you that something like this would never have been given out to civilian news outlets until it had been confirmed. The public affairs officer at Roswell Army Air Field verified the facts before releasing them to the wire services, where the story made front page news across the US.
What they Army found at the crash site was reportedly some little guys about 4 feet tall, with very pale skin and huge eyes. Others have seen the same kind of little guys since then. They’re called “Gray Aliens” by UFO conspiracy theorists.
But they are not from outer space. They are actually from Earth.
The skin with no pigment and the large eyes indicate a subterranean creature, living in near complete darkness. These fellows die quickly in direct sunlight, which is exactly what happened to two of the humanoids who were reportedly still alive for awhile after the crash.
The craft they were in was small, and very lightweight. Not the sort of thing you would travel through space in. When you consider that the nearest habitable planet for humanoids is 300 light years from here, the idea that they would fly a tiny ship such a vast distance seems unlikely. Humanoids require food, water, sleeping quarters and other things, especially on a 300 year voyage.
The saucer at Roswell came from Earth, as do all flying saucers.
Here are a few of the logical reasons to believe this is so:
1. Sir Edmund Halley, the mathematician and astronomer who first discovered Halley’s Comet, proved that the Earth is hollow. He did so by measuring the mass of the Moon based on the tides, and comparing it to the mass of the Earth. His calculations prove that the Earth must be at least partially hollow. His work was commended by Isaac Newton and others, and remains provable.
2. Mass UFO sightings only started 2 weeks after the first Atomic bombs were exploded. Sightings have always been more common in areas where nuclear tests occur. That’s because these explosions shook the Earth, and the people who live below noticed it, and decided to investigate.
3. Reliable UFO sightings have always occurred at low altitudes, low enough for humans to breathe without bringing oxygen. UFOs operate in the same range as helicopters. Obviously they are made for low altitude surveillance. The disk shape is not desirable for travel through space, but is perfect for providing maximum lift with minimum power, as any Frisbee enthusiast will tell you. This is a design which was created specifically for use in an atmosphere.
4. Sightings of “alien” humanoids are always described as hairless. The lack of hair indicates they live in a place where there are no temperature extremes. That’s exactly the environment that is likely to exist below.
5. Credible sightings occur at night. That’s because the little guys down below are blinded in sunlight, but they see clearly in darkness. Their eyes have evolved to function in a realm where there is very little ambient light. In fact, bright light is a weapon to our underground friends, and they have been known to use it. There have been numerous UFO reports in which bright light was reportedly used to disorient witnesses. In fact, the only “weapon” these guys have ever been known to use against humans is light.
6. Every human civilization has stories of the little people who live below.
There are more reasons to believe in an underground race of humans than there are to believe they have come here from another planet.
So we have no need to fear visitors from outer space, at least not at this time. But it might be a good idea to realize the true nature of UFOs and the little aliens who drive them. They might have some technology which could keep us from totally wrecking our planet, and make our lives better. Or maybe they will just kill us.
Either way, they are our neighbors and we do have common ancestors.  (GATOR)




Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on UFOs / Flying Saucers are in the immediate vicinity

Make me laugh…

Dave is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.
He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink.”
The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave, with a confused look on his face says, “I don’t care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink.”
The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads.
Twenty minutes later, Dave approaches the ladies and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”
One of the ladies said, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”
The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”
Dave asks, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”
The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussies.”
Dave says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

Buddy and Earl were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Buddy glanced over and noticed that Earl’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Buddy said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Earl said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Buddy said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Earl said.
“Straight, like normal,” Buddy said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Earl said.
Buddy finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Earl said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Buddy said. “Like normal.”
“Fuck!” Earl said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it out like a dishrag!”

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend in a hotel.
After having great sex, the girlfriend spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles – something she loved to do.
As the man was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?”
“Because” she replied, “I really miss mine.”

Mike and Frank are sitting in a bar sipping Johnny Walker Black Label when Frank noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner.
As he was getting up to talk to her the bartender said, “Hey don’t worry about her, she is a lesbian!”
Frank, “Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them,” and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table.
Then stepping forward in a very sexy voice he said, “Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?”

Jerry walks into a bar ordered two shots of vodka. He drank the first and poured the second over his right hand.
Then he ordered another two shots of vodka, drank one and tipped the other over his right hand.
After watching Jerry do the same thing for third time, the bartender asked, “Why do you keep wasting good drink?”
Jerry slurred, “If you must know, I am trying to get my date drunk.”




Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make me laugh…

Make me laugh & I will buy you a beer…

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you want to break down and cry!”
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just there for decoration!”

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again until we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”
The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”
Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”
“Hmm,” says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Your nose must be all stopped up. And next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Man: All right then how about on the last date?

A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked ” Do you know what it is?” Johnny replied “No.” The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Johnny said “Noooo.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.
“JOHNNY, SPIT IT OUT……….IT’S A PIECE OF ASS!”

Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnny: Sure, out in back of the church yard.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken

Q. What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They’re both empty from the neck up.

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make me laugh & I will buy you a beer…

Hands Off My Happy Hour

Nobody should be allowed to use the term “Happy Hour” unless they serve booze.
It pisses me off to see a daycare center with a “happy hour” sign – unless they’re willing to serve up some liquor to the parents, in which case I’d be more inclined to allow it.
Taco Bell, that authentic taste of Old Mexico, has now introduced “happy hour” – I’m not sure what it is, but you can bet your ass there’s no alcohol involved.
Starbucks now has a happy hour. But they still don’t serve any kind of booze.  There are an untold number of restaurants which advertise their version of happy hour, with not one drop of John Barleycorn on the premises.
So how in the Sam Hell can they call it happy hour, when there isn’t anything happy about it? Happy Hour with no liquor is like sex without the girl; a bank account with no money; Stevie Ray without his guitar.  It’s going to be a pretty lame happy hour without the juice, is it not?

Starbucks has introduced a lame yuppie version of Happy Hour for suburban Mollies & Milktoasts...

The phrase “Happy Hour” was first created by sailors in the British Navy. For one hour a day before “taps” sent them to their bunks, the sailors would get their ration of grog and have a little drinking party on the main deck.
It was always about the grog., and skippers who didn’t give out the sauce didn’t have any happy hours, just a gang of sullen angry guys with bad attitudes. Can you blame them?

"Happy Hour at Home" with no booze, and also no meat. WTF is wrong with this picture? Has Happy Hour turned into a schmuck in a bow tie with some veggies, at home?

There are even churches with happy hours now.  One advertises this: “Our Happy Hour gatherings include informal networking time and an opportunity to relax after the work day.”
First and fucking foremost, it’s hard to relax inside of a church. Next you’ve got all of these bastards trying to “network” with you. That’s gotta be as bad as a swarm of angry mosquitoes. And finally, there’s no booze.
Why would you willfully and intentionally subject yourself to such torment?
I guarantee you, I could do a lot better at “informal networking” – if I cared to do so – at any neighborhood watering hole.  The glow of cocktails lubricates the process, making it easy to make connections.
As for relaxing after the work day, that just ain’t going to happen at church. How am I supposed to relax, when lightning from heaven may strike me dead at any moment?
Oh sure, lightning can theoretically strike me down at the corner pub, but have you ever seen it happen? I haven’t.

Happy Hour at 8 in the morning, with Jesus, no booze, and a guy who looks like a pro wrestler passing on marching orders from the almighty... sounds like a real blast... You go on ahead, I'll catch up with you...

All of these phony happy hours irritate me. It makes me want to walk in the place and order a shot of Bombay Sapphire. “Calling Dr. Bombay, come in Dr. Bombay…”
Another baronym (bar word) that’s being misappropriated is “shot” – as in, “gimme another shot of that rotgut horsekiller whiskey.”
These days, you can get a “shot” of energy drink, juice, coffee, and yogurt.  None of them have a trace of alcohol in them.
Is nothing sacred anymore? Will “happy hour” degenerate into some stupid fucking Walt Disney family-friendly hour of spending money without relaxing?  How can a tradition so pure and good be abducted by the soul-less corporate automatons who scrabble over your last twenty bucks?
If I ever decide to have a “happy hour” at my printing shop, there will be plenty of booze and mixers. That’s what happy hour means.


Some of you ignorant Yankee yuppies out there might go down to the smoothie shop at happy hour and do a couple of shots of some fruity boozeless cocktail.
Then you can get up on your hind legs and pretend like you’re supposed to be a real man.
I‘ll be keeping it real, Happy Hour that is, down at the local bar…

(GATOR)

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Hands Off My Happy Hour

Karaoke singer signs with Columbia Records

Brenda Starr has reached the pinochle of success after signing a record deal with Columbia Records.

Local karaoke singer Brenda Starr announced this month that she has signed a contract with Columbia Records.
Starr is known for her stirring and seemingly interminable rendition of “The Rose” and her saucy stylization of the song “Fancy” first made famous by Reba McIntyre.
She has been known as much for her onstage antics and showmanship as for her singing. Starr often flashes her tits and makes sexual peccadilloes to the audience.
Her outfits are typically skin-tight and brightly colored, and her fans (both of them are males) never know what to expect.
Columbia, which is now fully owned by the Sony Corporation, remains the world’s largest recording company.
Terms of the contract signed by Starr were not immediately available, but it is believed that Columbia will send Starr 6 CDs for $1, after which she must purchase six of them at the regular price during a 12 month period.

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Karaoke singer signs with Columbia Records

Gifts I Didn’t Want

this was amusing for the first three minutes...

Before anyone thinks, “Okay asshole. You get nothing next Christmas!” please realize that I don’t want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here. I’m all grown up and have a nice career. If I need something, I don’t ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult. What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know….sleep I guess. What I can tell you is this: Here are some things that I got, but didn’t want this holiday season:

Novelty Boxer Shorts:  
Unless the woman you’re trying to seduce has a fantasy about sex with a clown, there’s no reason to own underwear covered in images of  Homer Simpson or Charlie Brown. “But it’s a holiday theme!” Yeah, right.

then there was this handy little gadget, a gift from my wife...

The “Publishing For Dummies” book
I know that scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren’t tangible like “running” or in this case, “spitting in my face,” but I must say, you’ve come close with your choice to give me this “For Dummies” book. I know you don’t understand what I do for a living, but what in the world have I done to earn this dubious distinction? Why not just give me a job application to Wal-Mart?

this one is still in the box. Somehow, I have managed to go on living without it...

The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I can’t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my hatred of cats. We’ve all been there, but next time you’re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, just grab some beer. And if you don’t mind, grab the mail on the way in.

These were actually pretty good. I just picked up a big handful of peanut butter in one hand, and jelly in the other, and ate my hands!

The DVD first season of Matlock
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court’s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information?

Maybe I'm not as much of a "hat person" as I thought...

The tiny gift card for the expensive store
Wow, $10 at Neiman Marcus! Now if I can just scrape together another $50 out of my own pocket, they’ll let me lie on the floor while the janitor pisses on me!

I admit to being a lazy bastard, but this was a bit too much...

The charitable donation made in my name
What, am I fucking dead? Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn’t work like a gift card. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, you might buy me some of that booze made by monks.

This was from my Mom, who apparently buys gifts on late-night TV...

The hobby starter set
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I’m going to have soon and don’t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I’m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days chasing bugs around with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.

a stocking stuffer I will never forget...

The cult book
Yes, I’ve heard of The Secret and honestly I’m glad you’ve found something to distract you from the fact that you‘re a fucking loser. However, I am not ready to drink the poison kool-aid, and would appreciate it if you would not use the holiday as an opportunity to try to infect me with your belief in invisible entities with super powers who plan to kill me!

I keep this right next to my bed, so I can wake up and cook breakfast in bed...

On the positive side, thanks for the great shirt, the coffee mug, and the heavy duty nose-hair trimmer. All of them are already making themselves useful!

(GATOR)

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Gifts I Didn’t Want

Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.
“In this country … we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives …
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and masks over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4’ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.’
The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’
The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.” “Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. “If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?”
Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: “What about you Peter? How would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ”

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window…He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, catching crabs – that’s why I’m here!”

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,
“I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says,
“A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man explains, shaking the watch, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

02

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better.  I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.  In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun.  As he neared a lake, he came across a very large ten point buck standing at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the buck fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that buck.”
The doctor replied, “That‘s what I‘m sayin…”

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Houston, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him she need to file her tax return.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks,” What is your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let us try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I ‘ m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised more than 600 cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is!”

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found.
So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole..!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.”
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story –
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A guy spent the day at a nude beach and, accidentally, fell asleep in the sun. Well, he’d covered himself with suntan lotion but he missed a spot and, of course, he awoke to find his manhood had been severely sunburned. He was pretty depressed ’cause he’d planned a date for that night. Anyhow, the young man was determined not to miss his date, because it was with a hot blonde, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things.”

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

Local Man Is New US Yoga Champion

rhea

A Dickinson man has been named the new Yoga Champion of the United States, after his remarkable performance in the recent US Yoga Society Championships.
Richard Rhea, a  retired former porn star who bakes cakes in his spare time, does not seem impressed by his unexpected victory.
“The idea of Yoga is to be the most serene,” he said,  “You can’t really win the championship by wanting to win. You have to win by not caring whether you win or not, and that is how I won. I didn‘t care, and I still don‘t give a damn.”
Rhea unseated Donald Fewell of Fort Payne, Alabama. Fewell had been champion since 2011, although he only became aware of the competition last year. Fewell told reporters that he would request a rematch.
“He isn’t more serene than me! I am still the most serene, and next time out, I’m going to kick his ass!” Fewell angrily tweeted to his twats on Twitter.

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Local Man Is New US Yoga Champion

Gator’s Rant: Stop Picking On Bullies

Recently, the do-gooders have decided to turn their sights on “bullying” in their unending quest to make the world a safer place.
These are tough times for bullies. It used to be that the bully served an important purpose in life. If there hadn’t been any bullies, my dad would have never taught me how to box, and how to use the old one-two.
I remember those nine pound gloves making my hands droop, while my dad landed hooks and jabs and yelled “keep those hands up!”
I did get pretty good with the gloves, but whenever I got into a fight, I could never get the other kid to wear them.
But now, the bullies are the victims. They are under intense pressure from all sides to cease and desist from their natural behavior. They are in fact being bullied themselves.
When another kid beats up a bully, he is an instant hero. But is he just another bully?
Did you ever stop to think that most bullies have learned from how they themselves have been mistreated? Kids who are bullies have often been beaten down at home.
A bully is just trying to even things up. In math class, the nerd gets straight As, while the bully sits at the back of the room with a C minus. Every time that nerd gets another 100, the bully feels it as plainly as a hard kick to the groin. So when class is out, who can blame him for smacking that nerd around a little bit? Hell, it’s the American way.
(Incidentally, I was once a bully, but I used to get straight As and kick their ass on the playground. That’s still how I roll.)
There used to be at least one bully in every neighborhood. The best fights I ever saw were when two of them met up after school for a knockdown dragout.
The best thing about having bullies was that they prepared young folks for what life was going to be like when they got older.
Even if they manage to put every bully on some kind of pill to keep him down, there are still going to be plenty of bullies in the adult world.  We’ve all worked for the bully boss, who treats his best employees like dirt, takes advantage in every way, and never has a kind word. Many of us have encountered rogue police officers who treat every civilian like a felon or behave unprofessionally in the line of duty. There are idiots driving big trucks who will run you off the road to save five seconds.
We’ve all encountered sales persons who try to bully you into buying their product. The credit bureaus bully you into paying each bill on time. The alarm clock bullies you out of bed in the morning. The traffic cop bullies you into driving slower than you’d like to. The government bullies you into paying taxes. The culture of bullying runs very deep, and permeates every aspect of our lives.
We are all bullies who live in a nation that was founded by bullies. Indians were bullied out of their land from day one, and nothing has changed since then.
I believe zero-tolerance for bullying is going too far. Bullies should at least have the right to occasionally blow off steam, especially when the situation calls for it.
Crybabies, pansies, and mamas boys can often benefit from a good stomping. It makes them stronger and more pragmatic. They don’t feel so entitled afterwards, and perhaps it makes them less likely to grow up and become a whiny little sissy boy.
There used to be some degree of prestige in being the bully of a certain street, school,  or neighborhood. The bully received a level of respect from everyone, including the adults.
If you had trouble with a bully, you would learn to defend yourself, or get an older brother or cousin to step in and teach the bully a lesson. That’s how things were handled.
But these days the cops are called, an arrest is made, and it goes in front of a judge.
Once that happens, there is a police record, and some “counseling” may be ordered by the court. Counseling is the worst thing that can happen to a kid. Have you noticed that all of the young people who have ever done really horrible things had received counseling? There is something about counseling that turns a kid into a monster, and any form of counseling should be avoided at all costs.
If for no other reasons than that of diversity and tolerance, we should leave bullies alone.
Don’t join in the crowd of anti-bully bullies. Picking on bullies is just wrong.         GATOR

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Gator’s Rant: Stop Picking On Bullies

Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

 

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.” The man agreed, and said “I wish I had a mansion.” The genie granted it, but his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said “I would like a million dollars.” The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, “I want to be scared half to death.”

One day a guy was sitting at the bar taking shots. After every shot he looked in his shirt pocket and would order another one. After several shots the bartender says ‘How come every time you take a shot you look in your shirt pocket?’ He says ‘Well, I got a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts to look good, it’s time to go home.’

A guy goes in a bar. He gets to talking to another guy. They drink for a bit and get to talking, and they find out one is rich and one is poor and they both have wives with a birthday coming up. The rich guy says that he is getting his wife a beautiful diamond ring and a Ferrari. The poor man says why in the hell would you get her both. The rich guy replies that way if she does not like the ring she can drive the car the jewelry store to return the ring. The poor man says wow I just got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. The rich man why would you get her that combination of gifts. The poor man says that way if she doesn’t like the flip flops she can go fuck herself.

Wife gets naked and asks her husband, ‘What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, ‘Your sense of humor.’

One night a guy comes home late and his wife asks him where he was. His response was, I was out getting a tattoo and she says what tattoo did u get and he says I got a hundred dollar bill. She says where did you get it and he says I got it on my penis and she says what in world did you do that for?
And his response was …… so every time you want to blow a hundred bucks you can come home and do it.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said: “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed: “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said: “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”. The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : “Your sister likes this position too.”
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

A man was in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done before. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, “Why do you love doing that?”
She replied: “Because I really miss mine”.

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, “Open your legs a little wider.”
She does, and then he says again, “A little wider, hon.”
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, “Can you open them just a little wider?”
So she finally yells, “What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?”
He says, “No, I’m trying to get them out.”

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

FBI Says Missing Teen Is Likely a Hooker By Now…

Using the newest kind of scientific profiling methods, agents with the FBI in Washington told local police and family last month that a Galveston child missing for over ten years is most likely now working as a prostitute.
The bureau also released a picture created by the bureau’s new age-progression technology department, depicting what the 19 year-old Tiffany Goatler might look like today.


It was ten years ago in August when police theorize that a carnival worker swiped the nine-year-old from a baby carriage at the 2003 Angleton World’s Fair & Hog Calling Championship. The child’s parents (who have since divorced, remarried others, then divorced again, and are now making plans to remarry and divorce each other) left the stroller parked nearby while they rode the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, the child was gone.
The mother, 28 year-old Dedra Wampole, immediately notified a security guard. Through a misunderstanding, Dedra was briefly detained and strip-searched by several security guards.
Meanwhile her then-husband, 44 year-old Chuck Wampole, had no idea where his wife and child had gone, and rushed home to print flyers on his MacIntosh computer.
The next day, authorities in Angleton released Mrs. Wampole and the parents sprang into action. Tiffany was listed by local police as a suspected runaway, and her room was rented out. Everyone expected the case would soon be solved. But investigators had few clues, and the case went cold.
Early this year, a new cold case detective was hired by the Angleton Police, Lt. Gordy McGuiness. He reopened the investigation and took forensic samples from all of the residents of Angleton, hoping that DNA would help track down the victim.
The list of suspects started in the thousands, but has since been narrowed down to several hundred.
The Angleton Police Department requested help from FBI Forensic Proctologist Bernard Wiggins Jr., who last month announced his findings. Wiggins says that his scientific analysis indicates that Tiffany is probably still alive, and is employed in an urban setting as a prostitute, and likely to be addicted to crack or crystal meth.
Police hope the sketch of how she might look today will generate leads that can help them solve the mysterious case.

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on FBI Says Missing Teen Is Likely a Hooker By Now…

Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…

A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later on the girl is yelling, “Cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his “tool” covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.
The man looks a little perplexed and says “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc”. The doctor answers “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.
The man screams in horror “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion”.
The doctor replies “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice”.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease”.
The guy says to the doctor “Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs “Stupid American doctors, always want to operate. They make more money that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh Thank God!” the man replies. “Yes” says the Chinese doctor “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!”

An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair.
Her mom said, “That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
Next morning at breakfast she told her sister.
“My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said.
“That’s nothing, mine is already eating banana’s.”

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her “Don’t walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!” Little Red started towards her grandmother’s house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her “Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he’ll suck your tits dry!”
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her “Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood – I’m going to suck your tits dry!!”
“Oh no you don’t”, yells Little Red Riding Hood, as she pulls up her skirt, “You’re going to eat me just like the storybook says!”

 

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…

It Really Happened…

So-called Christian Pornography Makes Internet Debut
It was bound to happen sooner or later. So-called “Christian pornography” has appeared on the internet, via websites like the one at www.christianporno.com
A disclaimer on the site explains that there is no Biblical prohibition against pornography, however, Christian pornography should only present sex acts between married couples and only for the purpose of procreation.
The missionary position is preferred.
However, the site does contain a great amount of material documenting sinful types of behavior, such as “Jezebel and her lovers”, “Sodom and Gomorrah” and “David and Bathsheba taking a bath”.
Because these are referenced in the Bible, their depictions are approved for Christian viewing by most clergymen.
“This will be a great resource to God-fearing men everywhere” said Joel Edward Hallinger, a retired Presbyterian janitor who dabbles in amateur sociology. “No more guilt trips for these sexually-repressed insecure guys I call ‘Yuckies’, which stands for Young Urban Christian Know-it-alls.”
Not all evangelicals are comfortable with Christian pornography, however. Some have even associated it with their nemesis, Satan – also called the Prince of Darkness.
“I think the problem is that by allowing this type of behavior, we are legitimizing the kind of exploitation depicted.” according to Pastor Billy Swagger of the Interdenominational House of Pancakes. “Before I can advise my parishioners to visit this site, I will have to examine it carefully, to ensure that nobody else is taking advantage of my sheep.”
The site was founded and is operated by Ken O’Keeno, a former Methbyterian Priest from Frog Pond, Louisiana. O’Keeno considers the site to be his ministry, and only keeps for himself any cash the site generates.

Prisoner Execution at Halftime Show is Big Hit for Cowboys Fans
Marking the Cowboys’ season opener against the Giants in traditional fashion, Dallas fans last month were reportedly treated to a thrilling halftime show that featured the execution of a Texas state prisoner from Death Row.
“That was the best halftime show I’ve seen in years – there was this awesome light show with Toby Keith’s ‘American Ride’ playing while a priest administered the last rites,” said Cowboys fan Bill Maxwell, adding that he especially liked when Cowboys cheerleaders formed the shape of a skull around the stage and performed an elaborate dance routine before the convicted felon was injected with a lethal dose of pentobarbital.
“My favorite part was when he finally went limp and all those fireworks shot up from the top of the stadium. I just wish I were one of those lucky people on the field who got to watch it close-up” Maxwell said.
Delighted fans also told reporters that the halftime execution was far better than any other such event at Texas Stadium, noting that the view of the inmate’s last breath was much better on the venue’s state-of-the-art 72-foot-tall LED jumbotron scoreboard.
The prisoner executed during the football game was 41 year-old Luther Rabble of Pork County. Rabble was convicted of murder for his role in the grisly slaying of 67 year-old ice cream salesman Mickey House. Although Rabble was not the trigger man in the robbery or homicide, he assisted gunman Bug Pence by allowing Pence to bum a cigarette and a light from him in the weeks before the crime.
His last words were reportedly “Oh shit.”

 

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on It Really Happened…

Gator’s Rant: coping with uncooperative sharks

In certain situations, some people are in more danger than others. For example, the guy who shows up at the Gun Show wearing an Obama tee shirt, or the know-it-all Yankee who turns up at redneck barbecue. When the inevitable ass-whoopin occurs, we all sigh and say something like “he shoulda knowed better.”
But, after the past two months of watching shark movies, I have come to the conclusion that there is a serious danger swimming around in the nearby ocean, especially if you are a hot chick wearing a revealing bikini.
Sharks apparently are programmed to attack hot chicks, in particular those who have nice cleavage. Any number of people may be in the water, but the shark will select the hot babe first every time.
There are no shark movies in which the shark opts to attack the overweight girl with acne, the pregnant lady, or someone’s granny. They prefer to go after the sexy chicks.
My advice to hot chicks at the beach is to stay the hell out of the water.
In the absence of a hot chick, sharks usually prefer to eat one of the following:
The resort owner who insists that there is no danger of shark attacks; the brainless football jock; any variety of government official; and of course, the black guy.
I have never seen a shark movie in which the newspaper reporter is eaten by a shark, so I feel pretty safe in the water.
What can you do to reduce the odds of being eaten by a shark?
Here are a few helpful suggestions:
1. Thrash around quite a bit when you’re in the water. This scares away sharks.
2. Swim at night, when the sharks are mostly sleeping in their sea beds.
3. Wear bright colors, as sharks have very sensitive eyesight, and loud color schemes are likely to make them avoid contact.
4. Bring along a few snacks for the sharks. That way, if a shark approaches, you can feed them by hand. They love raw chicken.
5. Swim near children. Any shark who does decide to attack will go after the kid first.
If you are accosted by a shark while you are in the water, stand your ground. You are an American citizen, and as such, deserving of respect by all creatures. You have as much right to be in the water as he does. Do not show any fear, as sharks are able to sense fear.
In the event you are actually attacked by a shark, they can be easily killed and blown to bits by simply cramming a propane tank down their throats, then shooting the tank with a rifle, causing it to detonate. Of course, it is a pain in the ass to carry a rifle and a propane tank in swimming, but this seems to be the safest way to defend yourself.
Shark attacks are on the increase. The shark population has increased dramatically during the past few years, as laws protecting sharks have been passed. These laws, promoted by well-meaning “shark huggers” have made many kinds of shark hunting illegal. This has resulted in an enormous growth in the number of sharks in our local waters.
The economic crisis has driven many of these sharks to seek alternative food sources, and some of them have turned to humans. Shark attacks along the Texas coast this year have set new records, with hundreds of incidents ranging from minor bites to decapitation, which is nearly always fatal. The numbers are probably lower than they should be, since most shark attacks are not reported by victims. Often, victims of shark attacks wrongly feel guilt, believing that the attack may have been partly their fault. For whatever reason, a large number of attacks are never reported.
The City of Galveston has taken some steps to reduce the number of such attacks. A couple of months ago, they instituted paid parking along the Seawall, under the theory that fewer people at the beach would mean fewer shark attacks. So far, the plan seems to be working, with beaches mostly deserted since the plan went into effect, and less than 50 attacks.
Do not think that staying out of the water makes you safe. Based on my own research, tornadoes can apparently suck sharks up, carry them many miles inland, then drop them, where they have often been known to attack humans and livestock on dry land.

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Gator’s Rant: coping with uncooperative sharks

Smoking is once more cool (and healthy)

These new electronic cigarettes are turning out to be a huge pain in the ass for the social engineers. Those who want to control the fuck out of every aspect of society have a problem with these new electronic smoking devices.
It’s not smoking, so you can take a puff any time and in any place. Theoretically, you could be up in front of the church, singing with the choir in a robe, and puffing away like a mad dragon. And it’s all good.
Theoretically, kids could be puffing during kindergarten. You could “smoke” in court, blowing billowing smoke rings at the paneled ceiling while the jury ponders your fate or accepts your bribe.
A lot of the anti-smokers hate the e-cigs. Even the ones without nicotine. Why? Because the anti-smoking Nazis have no jurisdiction. It’s all about the power to tell other people what they can and cannot do.
Anti-smoking groups have targeted electronic cigarettes which contain no tar or nicotine, and provide a vitamin C supplement. These “healthy” cigarettes are marketed at nutrition stores across the country under several names.
They would like to ban “simulated smoking” in public places. Several bills will face the next legislature that will make simulated smoking illegal in many public places.
What in the Sam Hell can they be thinking of? You can’t ban simulated behavior. What kind of pills to you have to buy from Quack City to come up with something that stupid?
This is a great new invention, and will save lives, while eliminating a lot of indoor and outdoor pollution. So we should ban it?
I’m holding out for the e-pipe. It’s a similar device, but it looks like one of those Swiss Meerschaum pipes Shylock Homes used to smoke his opium in.
Once they invent that, I’m going to buy one, and infiltrate the very heart of anti-smoking country. I will appear at Barnes and Noble, expel the vapors of my peace pipe, and move on to Starbucks and Chick-fil-A.
I will smoke my genuine imitation pipe while making confession. Not that I’m Catholic, I’m not. I’m a Southern Baptist. But I still confess every now and then, just for insurance.
I will get front-row season tickets to the East Galveston County Sympathy Orchestra, and sit there smoldering away like a broke stove.
And when the band strikes up “Smoke On The Water” I will blow free “shotguns” to all of my neighbors.
At funerals, I will be seen in black, suitably morose. Thoughtfully puffing away like a stoic old Indian Chief. Ditto for weddings.
My rallying cry is going to be something that was first said in World War Two after a battle was over: “If you got em, smoke em.”
No longer is smoking some aberrant social behavior. It’s like blowing goddam bubbles. Nobody can even smell it. And it turns you into a dragon, with fiery coals deep inside, exhaling regular puffs of smoke like some speeding hellbound locomotive.
It’s time for all you boring motherfuckers out there to wake up and figure out what we’ve been trying to tell you since Walter fucking Raleigh: Smoking is cool. It makes you look cool. It makes young people look mature, and old geezers look younger. It helps you hook up with the opposite sex (ie: “gotta match?”)
Smoking makes you look sophisticated.
And now, smoking is harmless.
Not only is it cool, but it’s also harmless.
Well, just to satisfy the legal department, let me say that there are certain risks involved. Like, if you were really stupid, you might somehow manage to swallow the device, which might lead to severe upset stomach.
So what’s next? I’m sure it will be actual booze, but without the alcohol.
They’ve been working on that for a long time. When it is invented, expect it to be opposed by MADD, Triple-A, AA, and the Letter A.
And at some point, crack without cocaine will be introduced, and someday we might even be drinking coffee without caffeine…

.

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Smoking is once more cool (and healthy)

Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, “Does anyone know what this is?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, my dad has 2 of them!”
And the teacher says, “Are you sure about that?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn’t have any tampons to use and she was on the rag. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn’t be good.” Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along…no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. “Where the hell have you been?!?” To which Cinderella replies, “I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we fell madly in bed together. His name was Peter Peter…..”

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, “What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband said, “Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
“No!” yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
“For the last time, no!” says the blonde.
Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”
The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!”

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please God” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison… .'”

An elderly man in East Texas owned a large farm that happened to have a large pond.   It was just the right size for swimming, so he fixed it up with a picnic table, a dock, and shade trees. One evening the old farmer decided to tale a walk down to the pond and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he approached the pond, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Not wanting to startle the women he made them aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man smiled and said , “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.” as he held up five-gallon pail. “I’m just down here to feed the gator.”

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…

Know Your Rights!

If you get pulled over, what are your rights?

Courtesy of Police Chief Art Pinero, San Leon Police Department.

 

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Know Your Rights!

Romneys encourage underpriveleged kids to try polo, yachting, and equestrian sports:

Mitt Romney and his wife, Ann Romney, have announced a new initiative to get poor inner-city youth interested in sports which proliferate in low-crime areas.  They believe that exposing “street kids” to such simple sports as squash, fencing, lawn tennis, or croquet might help them to develop better  citizenship.

The foundation is currently accepting contributions.

 

Posted in All posts, Humor | Comments Off on Romneys encourage underpriveleged kids to try polo, yachting, and equestrian sports: