FDA Bans Use Of Placebos
The Food and Drug Administration shocked the medical community October 12th by announcing the complete banning of placebos in medical testing.
FDA Spokesman Roger Overland stated the placebos were being taken off the market because nobody at the FDA could figure out what the placebos did in the first place.
“People are being prescribed placebos at an alarming rate,” Overland told a group of journalists. “But they (the placebos) don’t seem to improving people’s health, or doing anything at all for that matter. Until someone can show me concrete proof that the placebos are doing anything for all those people, they’re going to be taken off the market.”
Officials with he American Medical Association were reportedly on the golf course and could not be reached for comment.
Breakfast Cereals, Mascots Said To Promote Drug Use In Kids
For years, parents have believed what they were giving their children for breakfast were completely innocent, nutritious, and healthy sugar-laden cereals, but anti-drug activists have revealed that they were wrong.
“Breakfast cereal mascots encourage children to experiment with dangerous drugs like caffeine and marijuana,” said Debby Smith, a mother and anti-drug campaigner.
Smith is one of the founders of a group called the Federation of United Christians With Acronym Designations (FUCWADs).
The group was formed in Houston last year to protest the use of breakfast cereal mascots to endorse products on television and in print advertising.
“Apparently the hippie dope-heads who make these sugary treats have been slinging their drug slogans right under our very noses for years,” said FUCWAD director of misdirection Don Hoyt. “When that bird is talking about being ‘cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs’ he is actually referring to puffing marijuana cigarettes laced with cocaine.”
According to FUCWAD, breakfast cereals were invented by, and are distributed and marketed by drug addicts, who crave high sugar foods while on their binges. The group has compiled a list of drug slogans which have been found their way into popular culture via breakfast food mascots. The complete list of cereal mascots and their pro-drug slogans includes the following:
The Rice Krispies elves chime, “Snap, Crackle, and Pop” – a thinly veiled reference to the sound made by methamphetamine while it is being ‘cooked’.
Kelloggs’ Tony the Tiger mascot shouts “They’re gr-r-reat,” an obvious reference to needles full of heroin.
In Trix Cereal advertisements, the ‘x’ in the name clearly suggests ecstasy, or ‘X’ as it is referred to by dopers. These ads include a drug-crazed rabbit lustfully chasing children in an attempt to get their ‘Trix’. The ad then concludes with the children shouting, “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.” It is suggested that the rabbit may represent a pedophile, which is not surprising for a depraved drug addict.
The Fruit Loops coke-fiend Toucan Sam who encourages children to “Follow your nose,” refers undoubtedly to a large pile of cocaine.
Cap’n Crunch, who screams, “Get me some fucking dope or the Soggies will eat my brain!” is perhaps the most blatant example.
“We ain’t too happy with fast food mascots either” Hoyt adds, “They’re helping develop addictive personalities in little kids.”
The FUCWADs say parents should boycott breakfast cereals and protest the satanic dopeheads who make them. They advise parents who are in search of a drug-free alternative to breakfast cereals to try Quaker oatmeal, which is endorsed by pop-icon and anti-drug activist Lindsay Lohan.