Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife with a puzzled look: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. I’ll be damned, you’re right, you know.”

After a long night buying a hot chick drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap…
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer.”, she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

A blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
After he had explained this to her he said: “There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle”?
She said, “Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it”?
The Doctor said, “Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve”?
She said, “I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to do it”.

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date.
He decides to go over and put the move on her.
‘I think you’re wasting your time, I’m only interested in women’ said the woman.
‘Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind’ said the guy. After ten minutes of the guy pestering her, she finally had enough.
‘OK’ said the woman ‘I’ll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can’t!’
‘OK, bartender get this lady a drink’ he said. ‘let’s see your vibrator do that?’

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you get lost kid? I’m trying to take a shit!”

A young woman in the sleazy part of old Galveston was so  depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the  harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into  the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of  the pier. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to  live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl nodded yes.  After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would  give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and  hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her a sandwich and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until  dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she  was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “I’ve got an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained.  “I get food and a free trip to Europe , and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure the hell  is,” the captain said. “This is the Bolivar  Ferry…”

This entry was posted in All posts, Humor. Bookmark the permalink.