Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs
up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to
make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back,
“We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young
girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were
out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once
because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
“And so, here we are!”

There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.
So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.
The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his chest in Vaseline. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
“The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to grow some hair”
“You idiot,” said his partner, “Think about it. If that were true you’d have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now.”

Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!
Harry: You save the mother, I’ll save the baby!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”

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