Make Me Laugh & I Will Buy You A Beer…

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, “Does anyone know what this is?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, my dad has 2 of them!”
And the teacher says, “Are you sure about that?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn’t have any tampons to use and she was on the rag. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn’t be good.” Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along…no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. “Where the hell have you been?!?” To which Cinderella replies, “I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we fell madly in bed together. His name was Peter Peter…..”

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, “What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband said, “Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
“No!” yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
“For the last time, no!” says the blonde.
Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”
The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!”

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please God” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison… .'”

An elderly man in East Texas owned a large farm that happened to have a large pond.   It was just the right size for swimming, so he fixed it up with a picnic table, a dock, and shade trees. One evening the old farmer decided to tale a walk down to the pond and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he approached the pond, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Not wanting to startle the women he made them aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man smiled and said , “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.” as he held up five-gallon pail. “I’m just down here to feed the gator.”

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