Smoking is once more cool (and healthy)

These new electronic cigarettes are turning out to be a huge pain in the ass for the social engineers. Those who want to control the fuck out of every aspect of society have a problem with these new electronic smoking devices.
It’s not smoking, so you can take a puff any time and in any place. Theoretically, you could be up in front of the church, singing with the choir in a robe, and puffing away like a mad dragon. And it’s all good.
Theoretically, kids could be puffing during kindergarten. You could “smoke” in court, blowing billowing smoke rings at the paneled ceiling while the jury ponders your fate or accepts your bribe.
A lot of the anti-smokers hate the e-cigs. Even the ones without nicotine. Why? Because the anti-smoking Nazis have no jurisdiction. It’s all about the power to tell other people what they can and cannot do.
Anti-smoking groups have targeted electronic cigarettes which contain no tar or nicotine, and provide a vitamin C supplement. These “healthy” cigarettes are marketed at nutrition stores across the country under several names.
They would like to ban “simulated smoking” in public places. Several bills will face the next legislature that will make simulated smoking illegal in many public places.
What in the Sam Hell can they be thinking of? You can’t ban simulated behavior. What kind of pills to you have to buy from Quack City to come up with something that stupid?
This is a great new invention, and will save lives, while eliminating a lot of indoor and outdoor pollution. So we should ban it?
I’m holding out for the e-pipe. It’s a similar device, but it looks like one of those Swiss Meerschaum pipes Shylock Homes used to smoke his opium in.
Once they invent that, I’m going to buy one, and infiltrate the very heart of anti-smoking country. I will appear at Barnes and Noble, expel the vapors of my peace pipe, and move on to Starbucks and Chick-fil-A.
I will smoke my genuine imitation pipe while making confession. Not that I’m Catholic, I’m not. I’m a Southern Baptist. But I still confess every now and then, just for insurance.
I will get front-row season tickets to the East Galveston County Sympathy Orchestra, and sit there smoldering away like a broke stove.
And when the band strikes up “Smoke On The Water” I will blow free “shotguns” to all of my neighbors.
At funerals, I will be seen in black, suitably morose. Thoughtfully puffing away like a stoic old Indian Chief. Ditto for weddings.
My rallying cry is going to be something that was first said in World War Two after a battle was over: “If you got em, smoke em.”
No longer is smoking some aberrant social behavior. It’s like blowing goddam bubbles. Nobody can even smell it. And it turns you into a dragon, with fiery coals deep inside, exhaling regular puffs of smoke like some speeding hellbound locomotive.
It’s time for all you boring motherfuckers out there to wake up and figure out what we’ve been trying to tell you since Walter fucking Raleigh: Smoking is cool. It makes you look cool. It makes young people look mature, and old geezers look younger. It helps you hook up with the opposite sex (ie: “gotta match?”)
Smoking makes you look sophisticated.
And now, smoking is harmless.
Not only is it cool, but it’s also harmless.
Well, just to satisfy the legal department, let me say that there are certain risks involved. Like, if you were really stupid, you might somehow manage to swallow the device, which might lead to severe upset stomach.
So what’s next? I’m sure it will be actual booze, but without the alcohol.
They’ve been working on that for a long time. When it is invented, expect it to be opposed by MADD, Triple-A, AA, and the Letter A.
And at some point, crack without cocaine will be introduced, and someday we might even be drinking coffee without caffeine…

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