A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.” The man agreed, and said “I wish I had a mansion.” The genie granted it, but his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said “I would like a million dollars.” The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, “I want to be scared half to death.”
One day a guy was sitting at the bar taking shots. After every shot he looked in his shirt pocket and would order another one. After several shots the bartender says ‘How come every time you take a shot you look in your shirt pocket?’ He says ‘Well, I got a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts to look good, it’s time to go home.’
A guy goes in a bar. He gets to talking to another guy. They drink for a bit and get to talking, and they find out one is rich and one is poor and they both have wives with a birthday coming up. The rich guy says that he is getting his wife a beautiful diamond ring and a Ferrari. The poor man says why in the hell would you get her both. The rich guy replies that way if she does not like the ring she can drive the car the jewelry store to return the ring. The poor man says wow I just got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo. The rich man why would you get her that combination of gifts. The poor man says that way if she doesn’t like the flip flops she can go fuck herself.
Wife gets naked and asks her husband, ‘What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, ‘Your sense of humor.’
One night a guy comes home late and his wife asks him where he was. His response was, I was out getting a tattoo and she says what tattoo did u get and he says I got a hundred dollar bill. She says where did you get it and he says I got it on my penis and she says what in world did you do that for?
And his response was …… so every time you want to blow a hundred bucks you can come home and do it.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said: “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed: “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked: “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said: “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the “rodeo”. The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first cowboy says, “You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : “Your sister likes this position too.”
Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.
A man was in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done before. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, “Why do you love doing that?”
She replied: “Because I really miss mine”.
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, “Open your legs a little wider.”
She does, and then he says again, “A little wider, hon.”
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, “Can you open them just a little wider?”
So she finally yells, “What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?”
He says, “No, I’m trying to get them out.”
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”