A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced, “The Coopers are having sex!”
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know they’re having sex?”
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large ten point buck standing at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the buck fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that buck.”
The doctor replied, “That‘s what I‘m sayin…”
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Houston, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him she need to file her tax return.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks,” What is your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let us try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I ‘ m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised more than 600 cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is!”
The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found.
So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking..!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.
The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole..!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.”
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story –
If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A guy spent the day at a nude beach and, accidentally, fell asleep in the sun. Well, he’d covered himself with suntan lotion but he missed a spot and, of course, he awoke to find his manhood had been severely sunburned. He was pretty depressed ’cause he’d planned a date for that night. Anyhow, the young man was determined not to miss his date, because it was with a hot blonde, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things.”