It is now against the law to get in the passing lane and drive at the speed limit in Texas – that’s the left-hand lane for those of you who are too dumb to know that. The police are out writing tickets at this very moment.
I hope they catch you, you son of a bitch. I hope the cops see you in your stupid dually roadhog – which you can’t even drive worth a shit – tooling down Gulf Freeway going 56 mph in the passing lane, and pull you over.
While you’re blocking everyone else who is actually trying to get somewhere, you’re all spaced out, talking on your Galaxy phone and sending tweets out to your twats or posting your lame loser status on Facebook.
Can’t you move that goddamned behemoth over into the slow lane (that would be the right lane) and creep along where you’re not stopping me and everyone else? Must we all rust up while we dawdle along behind you?
You might not realize it, but the rest of us driving down the road are not on a fucking sightseeing trip. We’re not out there driving just to catch a glimpse of the beautiful sunset silhouetting the refinery towers. We’re driving because we are going somewhere where we can drink, smoke, fuck, talk, eat, make money, and buy shit, you slowpoke fuckhead.
I hope they pull you over and strip search you on the side of the road.
I hope you forget your court date, a warrant is issued, and they serve that warrant at your job, where everyone can see how you look in a pair of handcuffs. Then, I hope they put you in a filthy cell with a big mean hairy tattooed parole violator with a fucked up nickname like “Mister Happy” or “Bang Bang.”
It‘s no longer legal for you to get over to the left and say to yourself “I‘m doing the speed limit, so back off motherfuckers.” The great State of Texas has decreed that those of us who haul ass should have the exclusive use of the fast lane. So please move out of the way, lardass. I ain’t got no time to waste.
Trust The Fonz:
Hi senior citizen, it’s your friendly banker here, and have I got a deal for you.
Remember how I financed your house for you? Remember how you paid me a total of $450,000 for a house that appraised at less than one-fourth of that amount?
Remember how I told you that a home was the best investment you could ever make?
Well, now I am ready to buy that house from you for a whopping $35,000! Yep, isn’t that great news? It’s a new thing we call a “reverse mortgage” and you might have noticed a bunch of has-beens on TV talking about it, trying to sell you on the idea.
Fred Thompson, Robert Wagner, and even the Fonz are all selling reverse mortgages. So you know it has to be a good thing. Of course, none of them has signed up for one…
The fact is, these are tough times for bankers. We’ve managed to devour almost all of the pensions and retirement plans in America, and we have screwed the working man until he really ain’t got a pot left to piss in.
So now we must turn our sights to seniors, who are the last segment of society that holds any significant wealth. Most of that wealth is tied up in family homes, so that is what we’re now going after.
Luckily for us, the US government is allowing us to get away with a greedy scheme which might eventually become the largest collective fuck-job ripoff in history.
Basically, the way it works is, we send you a check every month for a couple of hundred bucks while we wait for you to die. You still have to pay the taxes, insurance, and upkeep on the property, so your net is going to be pretty close to zero. Then, as soon as you’re dead, we swoop in and take possession. You won’t have to worry about your heirs fighting over the house, because we will get it.
Then, we will slap a coat of paint on it, sell it for a half-million to the next moron to come along, and then steal it back from him as soon as he gets old and realizes he can’t live on Social Security either.
So, in the final analysis, you were merely renting that house from me. It was mine before you bought it, it was mine while you were paying on it, and it will be mine when you’re dead and gone. So shut up and sign.
Line up, senior citizens, and sell the family legacy for chump change to a guy who hopes you won’t live much longer.