FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them.  Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just
   little signs to point them out?

A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy.  The little arrows mean "up", as  in "look up at the screen".  Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.


Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?

A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen.  You should   not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be  particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at  the time.  You might consider obtaining the official Gator Press Shift Key  Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not,  it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.


Q. My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation without shift keys?

A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual  advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use  of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to  depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing  punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower  case expressions; replace ? with "WTF" and ! with "fuck".


Q. I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>

A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your  keyboard frequently?  If so, you may want to clean it off for  more reliable operation.  First, disconnect your keyboard by  gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can.
Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly  with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel  wool.  Finally, you need to dry the keyboard.  Either dry it to  touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it in the dryer for not  less than 60 minutes.  Be sure to clean the lint screen when you  are finished.


Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there  are two keys labelled "hif"?

A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and  washing your hands more frequently for that matter.


Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be  labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O .  Press  this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a user-friendly  Mac instead of a complicated PC.


Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want  big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to  activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with  speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very  clearly and slowly into its speaker.  Then watch the keyboard  closely to see if the Shift key moves down.  Note that you may  have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer  to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.


Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating  between the two.  Keep track of your usage of each key so that  you press them in equal amounts.  Your keyboard may be equipped  with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally  marks in two columns for each time you shift.  Remember, it's  better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift  key.


Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A. They aren't.  This is simply an optical illusion.  Just as  the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon,  your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other  keys.  To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your  keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a  distance of 200 yards.  Sure enough, the keys all look the same  size!


Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many  times, will my computer explode?

A. No.  Well, generally no.  Not unless you are using an NEC  laptop.  Or vt100 terminal emulation.  But even then, hardly  ever.  Really, don't worry about it.  Forget I mentioned it.  Just type softly.  Move along, next question.


Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work.  What's wrong?

A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your  keyboard, the problem may be YOU?  Perhaps God Himself has  suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that  you have strayed from the path of righteousness.  Use this as an  opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead  with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your  choice for help in dealing with any unresolved issues in your  relationship with the Almighty.

LESS FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Q: Did you catch that fish?
A: No, I talked him into giving himself up.
A: No, I was sitting here minding my own business when the crazy thing jumped into my pail.

Q: (from a woman just pulled over by a police officer) Did I do something wrong, officer?
A: No, today we're giving tickets out for doing things right.
A: No, I just got tired of lugging around these heavy summonses so I decided to give some of them away.
A: No, I'm giving a ticket to this crazy street because it's going the wrong way.

Q: (from a waiter, to a husband and wife) Table for how many?
A: A hundred and twelve -- we like to change seats every few minutes.
A: One -- my wife will sit on my shoulders.
A: I don't know -- I can't count that high, either.

Q: (From lady to fellow bus-rider) Isn't my baby beautiful?
A: That's a baby?
A: Yes, in a Jabba-The-Hutt sort of way.

Q: You're not going to wear THAT are you?
A: Actually, i was planning on going out naked.
A: Only if you don't like it.

Q: So how was work today?
A: The police will fill you in.

OCCASIONALLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do doctors call what they do practice?
If a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

RARELY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Captain, how many sunset cruises do you do each day?
How far apart are the mile markers?
Why didn't anyone tell me this water was going to be salty?
Captain, are those islands always there?
How often does the sun set in San Leon?
Does that shipwreck go all the way to the bottom?
I dropped my keys in the water... how far down do you think they went?
Will this boat tip over?
Can you swim in salt water?
Does the water go all the way around the island?
Is the sun going to set tonight?
Which ocean are we in?
Is San Leon part of the United States?
Do you guys get hit by many hurricanes?
Which side of the boat do I have to be on to see the sunset?
Is it going to rain today?
How long can flying fish fly… till they run out of breath?