Category Archives: Local

George S. Patton Jr. was one of the most revered Generals in all of American history. Historians speculate that Patton could have won the war against Germany a year sooner. Of course, he would have had to step on a lot of toes to do such a thing –  but Old Blood and Guts didn’t give a damn. Several times he was considered insubordinate to commanding officers, accused of mistreating his soldiers, and generally used the “f-word” as though it were some kind of holy blessing.
Patton’s offensives in Africa, Sicily, and France earned him the love of the American people and the fear of the Nazis. Patton marched at the front of his troops, even in the decisive Battle of the Bulge, where he was on the front lines with his soldiers.
In German war councils, Patton was the only Allied General referred to by name, because of his ability to lead troops through overwhelming defenses to victory. Concentration camp inmates, even those who spoke no English, learned and sang a ditty, “Georgie Patton gonna set me free” to the consternation of their Nazi captors.
But Patton had enemies everywhere. When the war was over, thousands of US POWs were “liberated” by the Soviets, an allied country at the time. About 25,000 of these American soldiers vanished into the USSR. Patton wanted our men returned, and was willing to fight Russia over them. Patton encouraged the US Army to continue its efforts east into Russia to reclaim these troops (who were eventually written off and forgotten.) He had distrusted Stalin from the start. In fact, during the war the Army had cut off Patton’s fuel supply to stop him from taking more of Germany, leaving it to the USSR. Patton then commandeered enemy fuel and still pressed forward hundreds of miles farther than he was allowed by his orders. Patton later warned Secretary of War Robert Patterson about Russia, saying “Let’s keep our boots polished, bayonets sharpened, and present a picture of force and strength to the Red Army. This is the only language they understand and respect.” The Russians were in great dread of Patton, wondering whether he would continue to wage war and cross through their lines. They remained on “alert status” until his death.
Another problem was the Jewish question. Patton did not regard the Jews as a nation, but rather as a religion. He pointed out that Jews were citizens of many nations, like Catholics and Moslems. He opposed the idea of creating a homeland for what he considered to be a religion.
Although nowadays we see the Israelis as victims of terrorism, there were Zionist terrorists in those days who agitated for an Israeli homeland. Patton was in 1945 their most powerful enemy in the Allied camp, by virtue of the respect he had in the US and abroad. The Jewish people had faced horrible atrocities in the war, and claimed to be a nation without a homeland. Patton argued that the Jewish people hadn’t been a country for two thousand years and were not a nationality, but a religion. This view was also unpopular in Washington at the time.
General Eisenhower had instructed Patton to remove German citizens from their homes, and give their houses to displaced Jewish people. General Patton strongly opposed this practice as being in clear violation of the Geneva Conventions.
Meanwhile, President Truman was preparing two crucial documents: The first directive would give all displaced Jews property and homes – even at the expense of other displaced nationalities. The second directive would grant the Soviet Union control of much of Eastern Europe and other parts of the world. Patton continued to give warning against both of these directives, which were not officially enacted until the day after his death, December 22, 1945.
Supreme Commander Dwight D. Eisenhower was about to lose his job to Patton, after the war was officially declared over. Eisenhower had outranked Patton during war, after having been appointed Supreme Commander. However, at the end of the war Patton was in fact the highest ranking and senior officer in the US Military. In peacetime, the Armed Forces would fall under the authority of Patton. Eisenhower didn’t relish having Patton giving him orders. Eisenhower would become President of the US in the 50s, which would lead to the opening of the Cold War, the Korean Conflict, and Vietnam. Eisenhower, the O.S.S. (early CIA), and the Truman administration all saw General Patton as a powerful and inflexible adversary.
There was widespread talk at home of Patton running for President. This was bad news for the Democrats, because they had no comparable opponent. It was not good news for the Republicans though, because Patton was considered too stubborn and iron-willed to take orders from Wall Street and those who control professional politicians.
Patton wrote to his wife and others that when he returned to the US he was planning to retire from the Army and try his hand at politics as a Republican. No doubt he would have reported the Russian kidnapping of 25,000 American troops, and would have taken action. The full story of these lost men (and their deaths in the Soviet gulags) only started to emerge in the 1970s, and has been finally documented since the fall of the USSR.
Thus, many factions viewed Patton as a threat.
General George S. Patton was seriously injured on December 9th, 1945. He was riding in a jeep when it was apparently struck by another Army vehicle. The driver of the large truck that struck Patton and the details of the crash were never disclosed. Patton did survive the crash. On the way to the hospital, Patton’s vehicle was then struck again by a second two-ton US Army truck. This time he was injured much more seriously, but still clung to life.
Neither of these two truck drivers were arrested or even had their names disclosed.
In June 1998, an elderly veteran stepped forward and claimed that he had witnessed the second accident. The old soldier recalled that after the vehicles collided, Patton stumbled out. When the truck driver saw Patton still alive, he struck him several times with a 2 foot long pipe wrench.
In spite of the crashes and the beating, Patton survived and was taken to the military hospital.
Reportedly, he asked his wife to remove him from the hospital because “They’re going to kill me here.” He was reported to be recovering quickly, then suddenly died. The cause of his death was officially listed in Army medical records as embolism and heart failure.
A year later Patton’s wife Beatrice died one week after announcing she would release hundreds of Patton’s personal papers regarding the war. An accomplished rider, she reportedly fell from her horse and died of a broken neck. Patton remains buried in Germany. The remains of this American hero were never even brought back to the US, and no autopsy was ever performed.
Was he murdered? If he had only been hit by one truck, I might buy it. But that second truck is just too much of a coincidence. Somebody intentionally killed America’s greatest General.

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye.

A   3-year-old boy examined his testicles  while taking a bath.
“Mommy“,  he  asked, “Are these  my  brains?“ “Not  yet,” she  replied.

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
“Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened”. Yeah it did, he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife ? ” The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out !” “What about your friend ?” asks the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!”

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her “Don’t walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!” Little Red started towards her grandmother’s house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her “Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he’ll suck your tits dry!” Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her “Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood – I’m gonna suck your tits dry!!”. “Oh no you don’t”, yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, “You’re gonna eat me just like the story says!”

If you think life is bad… How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up… Your life ain’t that bad!

U.S. Intelligence Claims Proof That  Iran Possesses Atomic Particles
Two months after UN inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of a nuclear weapons program, the US Department of Defense has evidence that the Middle Eastern nation has trillions of atoms – the same tiny particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs.
“Iran now possesses an alarming number of atoms within its borders, despite countless warnings from the international community,” Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said at a press conference, as he pointed to a satellite image marked with locations where his office claims atoms are being stored. “The Iranians ckaim these atoms are only being used to form the building blocks of existence, but we know for a fact that Iranian guns and bombs are constructed out of atoms.”
The atoms were first seen in aerial photographs taken of an Iranian lavatory in central Ibinbad. When the photos were enlarged several hundred billion times, clusters of atoms were spotted in large cargo trucks parked near the facility, in storage units on the grounds, and in the pockets, shoes, clothing, hair, and skin of several persons in a parking lot.
“Security checkpoints have been unable to stop the flow of atoms into Iran,” Secretary Panetta said. “Even with the best equipment available, it is impossible to tell dangerous atoms that could be used for the purposes of mass destruction from the kind of atoms that are functioning harmlessly.”
Panetta added, “We cannot afford to let these atoms fall into, or be a part of, the wrong hands, or the smoking cloud might turn out to be a mushroom gun.”
Iranian officials claim the atoms are being used only for peaceful purposes, and that it is physically impossible for Iran or any government to create or destroy matter in order to comply with U.S. regulations. But officials in the Obama administration say this is just propaganda. An Iranian spokesman said that most Iranian atoms are privately owned, and not the responsibility of the government.
He also claimed that until recent years, most Iranians were not even aware of the existence of atoms in the country.
Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has vowed that if he is elected, Iran will have to get rid of all atoms, or face military intervention.

New book suggests JFK wasn’t shot
A controversial new book about the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy has raised questions not about the role of a lone gunman or conspiracy, but whether the late President was even shot at all.
While the book, Outside the Crosshairs, does not dispute the fact that a massive portion of Kennedy’s skull was separated from his head during the 1963 Dallas visit, it maintains that the President died of natural causes after he suffered a rare and fatal explosive cranial trauma that was unrelated to gunshots.
“Certainly extreme force was involved,” said Dr. Horace Fetters, the book’s author and a professor of forensic proctology at the Texas Institute of Technical Science. “However, none of the available photographs or footage proves that an actual bullet did anything to Kennedy. As scientists, therefore, we must consider all other possibilities, no matter how much they challenge the status quo.”
Fetters favors an explanation known as the massive-spike-in-blood-pressure theory. “It’s not completely unheard of” he says, “and we do know that Kennedy was under a lot of pressure, had eaten Chinese food the night before with Duck sauce, and had a history of high blood pressure.”
Fetters spent over ten years researching the book, which is over 300 pages in length, and about 7 inches wide.
The book is available nationwide at major book retailers and online at Amazon.com

Okay Mister Tough Guy, you roared up on your very noisy Harley and walked into the bar wearing full regalia, including a pair of jackboots Klaus Barbie would have coveted and a pair of dark “fuck off” sunglasses. You stormed up like a manly man and slammed your hairy fist on the bar and loudly named your poison: Jack and Coke.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. I’m a faithful disciple of Jack Daniels, and my fridge always has a shitload of Coca Cola, and I can see where sometimes the two might end up being mixed into a drink – by a chick or by my effeminate nephew Kirby. But why would a real he-man like yourself water down his manly-man drink with coke?
Is the whiskey too strong for you? If so, maybe you ought to go back to something that won’t upset your tummy, like milk for Christ sakes. If you’re going to drink the real shit, drink it straight like a man. If you must have the soda pop, get it on the side in a separate glass as a chaser. Sip the whiskey and, after savoring the warm glow for a bit, chase the aftertaste down. Repeat as often as necessary. That’s acceptable. It would be better of course to leave the kiddie drinks out of the equation and get a beer chaser, or no chaser at all.
If you’re mainly just trying to impress people with what a badass you are, that’s the way to go. And don’t spout off with that bullshit about how you really like the taste of Jack and Coke together. I bet I could switch the bourbon out for some Evan Williams and you wouldn’t guess it in a million years. If you were drinking your hooch straight, the way God intended, you’d know the difference before you even tasted it.
If you’re going to have a cocktail, use a cocktail liquor like rum, gin, or vodka. Nobody thinks you’re a tough guy when they see you watering down good whiskey with carbonated kool-aid. It makes you look like a jackass. As cowboys say, you’re “all hat & no cattle.”
The above applies to all top shelf whiskeys. Make mine straight.

The Occasional Idiot:
In America, everyone is free to be whatever kind of idiot they want. This gives us a panorama of imbecility; a smorgasbord of stupidity unmatched in most of the world. Since morons come in so many flavors, it might be helpful if there was a list of things to help you identify an idiot. If there were such a list, these would be some of my contributions:
~ If you’re sitting at the bar, and a chick says that she’s looking for a man who can just be honest, and “be himself” (whatever in the fuck THAT means) – and you notice that she’s wearing false fingernails, eyelashes, hair, and boobs – she is probably an idiot.
~ The guy who tipped the stripper $100 and thought he would be getting lucky is an idiot.
~ The guy on the crotch-rocket who just drove past doing 100 mph is an idiot.
~ The chick who bitches about how slow the service is, then takes five minutes to decide what she’s drinking is an idiot.
~ The person who gets up in a club to sing karaoke and sings Amazing Grace is an idiot.
~ If you know someone who has a job that requires him to work for a couple of hours in the morning, then go home, then come back the same day to work a couple more hours – that person is an idiot. Unless he’s getting paid $100+ an hour – in which case he is a politician, which is to say, he’s still an idiot.
~ The dude at the convenience store holding up the whole line while he buys scratch & sniff lottery tickets is an idiot.
~ The lady dressed as a man dressed as a woman is not an idiot, she’s just stone crazy. However, the guy dating her is an idiot.
~ The drunk chick yelling at mister Police Officer is an idiot.
~ Often enough, the drummer is an idiot.
~ And most of all, that guy across the bar – who won’t stop running his mouth and talking shit – he is an idiot.

Have you ever noticed that every great drinking story always begins with the same word?
The word begins with the letter “A,” but it is not alcohol. Nope. The word is “apparently”.
The dictionary defines the word apparently as “to manifest to the senses or mind as real or true on the basis of evidence that may or may not be factually valid.”
That has a nice ring to it, especially when you’ve been drinking.
It lays the groundwork for a multitude of alibis and explanations:
ie: Why did you wake up with four different ink stamps on your hand, most from bars you’ve never heard of and one of them written in Espanol?
Well, apparently, you were out bar hopping like an international playboy.
Why did you find that the cash in your wallet was gone and had been replaced with ridiculously large credit card receipts? This would indicate that apparently your generous nature took over last night and you may have made some new friends along the way.
Why is there a stranger sleeping in your bed? Apparently, your generosity was contagious. Just hope that nothing else was.
Here are the ways some of the better drinking stories I have heard have started (or ended):
Apparently, the bouncer is studying the Aerodynamics of the drunken human body, because he threw me out the door. I got three seconds of air time before I hit the sidewalk.
Apparently, Scottish men don’t wear anything under their kilts.
Apparently, Scottish men don’t like it when you call their kilts “skirts.”
Apparently, Scottish men hit really hard for someone wearing a skirt with no underwear.
Apparently, the words “flammable” and “inflammable” mean the same thing.
Apparently, my ex-girlfriend doesn’t live there any more and she changed her phone number.
Apparently, I either went home with a very ugly girl or a very pretty monster.
Apparently, the couple of beers I went out for cost $117.63.
Apparently, I felt like singing because I jumped up on stage with the band.
Apparently, Tequila really is actually distilled by Satan.
Apparently, you ain’t supposed to chug Scotch.
Apparently, that bar has some old-fashioned ideas about what’s considered acceptable behavior.
Apparently, I am not nearly as invisible or as quiet as I think I am.
Apparently, there is some kind of law against doing that.
Apparently, there are lesbians who practice karate infiltrating Galveston.
Apparently, I was kidnapped by aliens disguised as policemen and taken to their mother ship.
Apparently, I stopped at some bar along the way because when I woke up there was a copy of Nightmoves on the truck seat next to me.

Kiss my ass:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

In touch…
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We’ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband says,” no – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Sex education:
A man and his son are talking, when his son asks him “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The Dad, confused, asks him “before or after sex?” The kid says “Ummm before sex.” So the dad says to him “Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with soft pink petals?” “Yeah” says the son. “Well what about after sex?” he says to his dad. His dad replies “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

Ouch.
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

Final message
Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read aloud, “Move your foot you stupid asshole, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Fairy tale:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t fucking think so.

Set her back out there.
One Cajun is working on his boat. Two other Cajuns came up and said, “Boudreau! We got some good news an’ some bad news fo’ you.”
Beadreaux said, “Oh shit! Giv me dat bad news first.”
“We just come down from da bayou. Yo wife she floatin’ face down in it – she musta drown cause she sho is dead!”
Beadreaux said, “No! No! Oh man… dat terribile news. Wat da good news?”
“When we fine her, she had bout fifteen of dem big blue crabs on her! We gonna set her out again in the mornin’!”

Parking Meter Decision Looms:
Galveston City Council is planning a series of meetings to decide how the City will charge people to park on Seawall Boulevard.
One plan includes selling annual parking passes for $25 and using the money to help the strippers at the local titty bars.
A second plan would eliminate all parking on the Seawall, and tow away all cars found parking there. The vehicles would then be auctioned off, and the funds set aside to set up porta-potties on every corner in the city.
The third proposal is revolutionary, but has little chance of being approved. It would force the owners of the new Pleasure Pier to provide their own goddam parking.

Local celebrity visits with Pope:
Local musician and former porn star Richard Rhea spent a week in Rome last month, and was pleased to be granted a brief audience with Pope Benedict.
Rhea surprised the Pontoon by greeting him in Latin, reportedly telling the Pope “eezplayed ootay eetmay ooyay.”
The Pope, who is German, did not understand the form of Latin Rhea used, so an expert in Pig Latin had to translate.
Rhea has also recently signed a contract with Columbia Records. Terms of the contract are not available, but it is believed that Rhea will get eleven CDs for one cent, after which he must purchase 10 more at the regular price.

Mayor to hunt with former VP Cheney
In what is interpreted by many as the curtain call for San Leon Mayor Keith Heinz, the long-time mayor has been invited to go quail hunting with former Vice President Dick Cheney later this month.
A spokesman at Cheney’s bunker denied any rumors that Heinz would be ‘retired’ during the hunting excursion.
Heinz issued a statement saying he is honored to be invited by Mr. Cheney. “I am flattered that the former Vice President asked me to go hunting with him. I know I can learn a lot from an experienced hunter like him. He even sent me a little quail hat in honor of the event, which I will proudly wear during our outing.” The trip is set for early July.

Suspect Flees, Eludes Capture:
A high-speed chase on June 8th ended with the suspect escaping in a wooded area and remaining at large in spite of an extensive manhunt by authorities.
The incident started at the Wal Mart in Texas City, when a Wal Mart Patrol Officer noticed a man putting purchases into his car.
The suspicious officer decided to detain the man and draw DNA and blood samples from him, and approached him, saying “Sir, please come along with me…”
The perpetrator told the officer to run along and leave him alone, then jumped into his car and drove off, heading west on FM 1764 in the direction of Santa Fe.
Wal Mart Police vehicles chased the suspect, and, after covering over 30 miles, finally had him cornered in a cul-de-sac in Angleton.
Unfortunately, just as they were preparing to apprehend him, it was time for their noon lunch break, and the security men all knocked off for about an hour. Upon their return to work, the unknown man had vanished.

Police Blotter:
May 25: A Clear Lake resident complained that not enough teenagers were sneaking into his pool to skinny-dip at night anymore.
June 2: A party on Bellwether Ave. had to be broken up when it became obvious that more beer would never be arriving.
June 5: Officers responded to a noise complaint on Robertson Drive Tuesday evening and really beat the shit out of some guy.
June 9: After a high-speed pursuit, officers were forced to watch a burglary suspect taunt them from just inches across the county line.
June 10: Police responded to reports of a soaking wet naked man singing loudly at 156 Oak St. Complying with officers, the man got out of his shower and put some clothes on.

This month the Space Shuttle Program has come to an end. The final flight of the large gliders is over, and now we are left to wonder what the next logical step will be in the exploration of space. I have never written a column about the space program, but if ever there was a time, this is it. I have a lot of questions about the whole NASA thing, dating back 50 years.
After successfully sending rockets, men, and dune buggies to the Moon during the 1970s, one would think that our next logical step would be to visit Mars or Venus. Instead, we inexplicably took one giant step backwards. The space shuttle was not rocketry, and had little to do with space. It was an aeronautical program – winged flight. Yes, it flew higher than any previous glider – but never entered “outer space”. With all of the advances in technology during the computer age, why would our space program regress to what is nothing more than a large glider? Something is wrong with that picture.
What is wrong is something I hate to say deep in the pit of my stomach: We never set foot on the moon. It was a staged production. I believe the main goal was to fool the Soviet Union during the Cold War. Remember that NASA is first and foremost a military establishment. Up until the first Apollo landing, the Soviet Union had led the way in space exploration. The Space Race had been initiated more than 10 years earlier as the Soviet Union launched the Sputnik I, Earth’s first artificial satellite, on October 4th, 1957. The unanticipated announcement shocked America.
The man who created the Saturn V rocket used by the Apollo missions was former NAZI rocket scientist Werner Von Braun. Von Braun said in his book ‘Conquest To The Moon’ (published in 1953) that it would be impossible to send anyone to the Moon because of the sheer size of craft needed to make the trip. In fact, taking Von Braun’s calculations into consideration, a spaceship that needed to travel that distance would have had to be 266 times larger than the Saturn 5.
Let’s play 20 questions:
1) Why are hardly any stars visible on Apollo films taken from the Moon?
2) There should have been a substantial crater blasted out under the Lunar Module’s 10,000 pound thrust rocket. Why is there no impact of any kind in the NASA films and photos?
3) Why does official NASA footage show flames coming from the exhaust of an Apollo lander? Remember, flames cannot be produced in space.
4) Footprints are the result of weight displacing air or moisture from between particles of dirt, dust, or sand. The astronauts left distinct footprints all over the place. How could they do so with no air or moisture on the Moon?
6) Why did one of the rocks in the NASA moon photos have a clear capital letter “C” on it, with a corresponding letter “C” on the ground next to it? Was it a stage prop?
7) Instead of being able to jump at least ten feet high in “one sixth” gravity, the highest jump was about nineteen inches. Why?
8) Why did the astronauts travel no further between steps than they would have on Earth? In the reduced gravity, their steps should have easily covered more than twice the distance.
9) Why is it that when you speed up the moon video footage to 2x, the astronauts appear to be moving exactly as they would in Earth gravity?
10) If the moon rover had actually been moving in one-sixth gravity, then it would have required a twenty foot width in order not to have flipped over on nearly every turn. The Rover had the same width as ordinary small cars. Why didn’t it flip over?
11) Why has NASA only recently started a project to test lunar radiation levels and what their effects would be on the human body, if they have sent 12 men there already?
12) The astronauts in their “pressurized” suits were easily able to bend their fingers, wrists, elbows, and knees at 5 psi, and yet a boxer’s 4 psi speed bag is unbendable. How did they do it?
13) During the Apollo 14 flag setup ceremony footage, why is the flag clearly seen waving?
14) Why did NASA not even try to send an unmanned craft to the surface of the moon before risking human lives there?
15) If man really went to the Moon, why did NASA drop the successful Saturn V launch rocket after the last Apollo mission? The shuttle weighs 75% more than the Saturn 5 Rocket, puts only 1/6th of the cargo weight into orbit and costs 3 times as much to launch. The shuttle is basically a glider with no escape for the crew if things go wrong (as we all know they do). Why scrap a rocket that can allegedly outperform its newer model?
16) During Project Apollo, six highly complex manned craft allegedly landed on the Moon, took off, and returned to Earth using a relatively low level of technology. An 86% success rate. Since Apollo, twenty five simple, unmanned craft with increasingly higher levels of technology have attempted to fulfil their missions to Mars. Only seven have succeeded (28%). All of these weighed less than 200 lbs. How could we have such an astonishing success rate with the huge payloads and complicated logistics of Apollo, them fail so miserably with tiny space probes?
17) What about all of those shadows in the moon photos going in conflicting directions, as if illuminated by studio lighting?
18) Who took the photo of the two spacemen on the surface of the moon? They were the only ones there, and neither of them was the photographer. How was it possible?
19) How did the lunar module land and take off flawlessly every time, when it was never tested successfully on Earth, and in fact crashed the only time they tried?
And, most importantly…
20) If we did it 42 years ago, why do we not have the technology to do it today?
Consider the recent announcement from NASA that it would take scientists 15 years from now to design and build a craft to go back to the Moon. How can this be?
All of the underlying technologies have improved vastly since 1969. Computers are infinitely better. The chip that controls my Christmas lights is twice as powerful as the best computer NASA owned in 1969. There have been significant advances in the fields of miniaturization, engineering, navigation, electronics, and communication since then.
And yet we are not capable today of doing that which we allegedly did 42 years ago. In fact, There is nothing we could do in 1969 that we can’t do today, except for going to the moon.
So it is with great sadness that I must conclude that it was faked. The guys orbited around the Earth in their capsule. Films, photos, and baked moon rocks were created to bolster the story. Less than 100 people needed to know the truth. Maybe that’s why Neil Armstrong has never granted a single interview about his trip to the moon.

A soldier was given the job of hunting buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come”. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come”? and the Indian replies, “ear sticky”.

There was a man in a tavern one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY drunk. When the place closed. he got up to walk home. As he swayed out the door he saw a nun walking by on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her right in the eye. Well the nun was really shocked but before she could do anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he staggered over to her and kicked her in the ass. Then he picked her up and threw her into the street. By this time the nun was hurt and couldn’t move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not such a badass tonight, are you Batman?”

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.” A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you guys take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.” A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!” The mom answered, “I know, haha! April Fools!”

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says “Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring the customers!” “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says…”You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

Here is a story that never gets any air in the mainstream press. The question above is related to a traffic fatality that occurred in Midland Texas in 1963. Although the subject is now the former First Lady, the accident in Midland that involved 17-year-old Laura Welch was not political in any sense. It was however all of the following: Tragic, unlikely, and suspicious.
The two-page 1963 police report by Midland Officer K E Haylett says that 17-year-old Laura Welch was driving her Chevrolet Impala on a clear night just after 8 p.m. on Nov. 6, 1963 when she entered an intersection without heeding the stop sign and collided with a Corvair driven by 17-year-old Michael Douglas. In the car with Laura was a passenger, 17-year-old Judy Dykes.
According to the police report, neither driver had been drinking. No charges were ever filed as a result of the accident. News accounts from 1963 reported the young man as having been thrown from his car and dying of a broken neck. He was dead on arrival at Midland Memorial Hospital. The two girls were treated for minor bruises. According to two biographies of Mrs. Bush, the boy’s father had been travelling in a car behind his son and had witnessed the whole thing.
Michael Douglas had been a star athlete, excelling in track and football, and was looked up to for his personality and intelligence. He was likeable, outgoing, and funny. He was nominated as the school’s most popular boy while a junior, an honor that almost always went to a senior.
Laura Welch and Michael Douglas had dated throughout early and mid-1963, but by the fall of that year Michael had dropped Laura and was going out with Regan Gammon, one of Laura’s closest friends. Laura and Regan had been Brownies together in third grade and were very close.
Laura Welch, driving east on FM 868, approached the only highway in Midland on a clear night with a bright moon. She lived only a couple of miles away and had been through this particular intersection hundreds of times over the years. On her left Laura should have seen her boyfriend’s car approaching the intersection as he turned off of Solomon Lane, where he lived, and onto the highway. She would have known his bright yellow 1962 Corvair, a very distinctive car, even at 8 in the evening. But she contended she never saw it, and that she never noticed the stop sign.
Laura has made some conflicting statements about the accident. She told a biographer that she did not find out that the driver of the other vehicle had died at the scene until later when she and her girlfriend were at the hospital, and that she did not learn his identity until later, when her parents arrived and broke the news to her. It shattered her.
But she has also said that the boy’s father was following behind him, and showed up moments after the crash. One of these statements must be false. Laura has also reportedly said in the past that she was not driving; that it was raining and slick; and that Michael Douglas was not her boyfriend. But the Midland DA identified Michael Douglas as Laura’s boyfriend when he released the police report. Either Laura or the DA is wrong.
The report itself says the weather was dry and Laura was behind the wheel. Either Laura or the officer is wrong.
The tale told in the Icehouses around Midland is that Laura thought that she was pregnant by her boyfriend Michael Douglas. When she told him, instead of agreeing to marry her, Douglas broke up with her, and was seen out and about with Regan Gammon.
So maybe Laura got mad, and got even.
If the official version is to be accepted, one must swallow a major coincidence. Out of the estimated 25-30,000 cars in Midland, Laura hit the one being driven by the man who had spurned her and made her look ridiculous. The odds – the mathematical chances – are overwhelmingly in favor of intent on Laura’s part. Most likely, she hit him on purpose.
I don’t maintain that Laura wanted this boy dead – I doubt that highly – but I do think she purposely ran that stop sign in anger and unintentionally killed him, then she filed a false police report full of lies, that wasn’t even followed up on.
It also looks like Laura spent a lot of her time trying to ‘pay back’ Regan Gammon for killing the boyfriend they shared. Regan Gammon has been a huge part of the Bush Empire, she’s even Jenna’s Godmother. Laura describes her as her best friend. But they were always friends, before Michael Douglas ever came along, and it’s not likely Regan knew what really happened – she probably still thinks it was an accidental death that Laura still feels guilty about. Regan is today a very nice lady who founded the Texas Book Festival or some such shit.
Not long after, Laura left Midland for Southern Methodist University, where she was part of the post beatnik but pre-hippie generation whose rebellion went no further than smoking Winstons and wearing peasant blouses. Word is she made a few extra bucks selling dime bags of weed for awhile too. Whether her daddy’s money got her out of trouble in the accident case doesn’t matter – it’s not about him. It’s about whether she intentionally did something that killed a guy.
Was it just a strange coincidence? Or a really bad immature decision of revenge?
Sorry, but Gator’s internal infernal oracle of deep truth would lean towards the evil in man (and woman) rather than coincidence. Evil is something you can rely on, true coincidence is unusual.
She didn’t know he’d die, but she aimed her car at his and hit him, and he died.

DALLAS TX – Events across town in Cliff Park 40 minutes after the John F. Kennedy ambush may provide valuable clues about the events of that historic day. The first reports described Dallas Police Officer J.D. Tippet’s killer as resembling Jack Ruby. The sole “reliable” witness later became unclear, then finally settled on Oswald months later, after being beaten almost to death by unknown assailants. It does not really matter at this point which one of them killed Tippet. What matters is that Tippet looked so much like the President that people often commented about it. Fellow policeman would often kid him about it, calling him “Mister President”.

composite image JFK-JD Tippett

The devil is in the details: Tippet was killed 40 minutes after the President and taken to the same hospital, with a bullet wound to his head being the cause of death. Eerily enough, Tippet’s wounds were identical to those reported by the JFK autopsy. Tippet was buried the following day in Dallas in a closed casket. The burial occurred less than 20 hours after he was killed. He remains the only Texas peace officer ever shot and killed on duty who was ever buried without an autopsy.
An examination of photos of Tippet and Kennedy shows the remarkable resemblance. Could he have been murdered so that his body could be used for x-rays and other forensics available at the time? Was J.D. Tippet ultimately buried at Arlington Cemetery?
As shocking as this may seem, consider the words of Senator Robert F. Kennedy as he viewed the body in the open casket. William Manchester reports that as RFK looked at his “brother” for the last time, he said: “It doesn’t look like him at all”. Manchester’s news story continues, “His eyes full, the Attorney General turned to Bill Walton and whispered, ‘Please look, I want to know what you think.’ Walton looked as long as he could, with a growing sense of outrage. He said to Bob, ‘You mustn’t keep it open. It has no resemblance to the President.’” Arthur Schlesinger said: “It is appalling,…At first glance it seemed all right, but I am nearsighted. When I came closer it looked less and less like him.” And Jackie said “That’s not my husband. It’s not Jack”, and turned away sobbing. These people knew the President well.
It is my belief that JD Tippet’s body was used in the JFK autopsy – and there is biometric evidence that supports the conclusion. Here’s to JD Tippet, Texas lawman.

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?” Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said he could be bought for 50 bucks. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird saw him and said, “New Madam, New whores. Same old customers!”

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks “You guys don‘t have a penis? How do you guys have sex?” The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

So two crackheads have been charged with possession. The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming drug users. They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they’ve gotten off drugs. The first guy says, “Twenty-four!” “Amazing,” says the judge! How’d you do it?” “Simple,” says the crackhead. “I just show them: ‘O’ – This is your brain; ‘o’ – this is your brain on drugs.” “Impressive,” says the judge. Turning to the second crackhead, he says, “And how did you do?” “Your honor, I saved 102 people from the bonds of the evil crack.” “And how did you manage that?” “Kind of the same as the other guy, ‘except I told people: ‘o’ – this is your asshole; ‘O’ – THIS is your asshole in prison.”

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

18 year-old Natalie Marie Vasquez lives on Crescent Moon Drive. But according to an arrest report dated September 10th in Harris County, she showed more than a crescent moon to her “victim”.
In the dry language of the official document, the DA says that “On or about Sept. 9th (defendant) did then and there expose her anus to S.A. Smith with the intent to arouse and gratify the sexual desire of the defendant… to wit: The defendant exposed her anus in view of the public.”
There is no other information given, so I am suspecting that “Smith” is a detective, and Natalie is a stripper. However, the affadavit says she did it for her own gratification…
She is charged with indecent exposure.