Category Archives: Local

Financial Advisers:
When you are approached by or introduced to a Financial Adviser, you should be aware of several important facts: First of all, he (or she) is probably NOT a “real” financial adviser. Most likely he is an life insurance salesman with an investment gimmick attached to his policies. Which is bad, because investing is taking a financial risk, and insurance is the opposite – it eliminates financial risk. So, when you combine the two, it becomes a zero-sum game, and you lose. But the salesman gets to put his hands into both of your pockets at once! He wins every time.
But even if you have a “legitimate” financial adviser, one without an insurance license, you are still going to get screwed. Remember, these guys aren’t paid to grow your money. They don’t get a cut of your gains or share in your losses. They get a flat rate, a percentage of whatever they can get you to spend.
That’s why they are always saying now is a good time to buy stocks. Whenever the market goes down, they say “Get in there and pick up some bargains” and when the market is up, they say “Blue sky, don’t miss the ride!”
These fuckers also profited from Enron and other debacles, but they never had to disgorge any of the billions they milked out of the middle class through their financial advising.
If you’re crazy enough to buy stocks, you don’t need some dickhead who didn’t see the sky falling last time around, and won’t see it next time either. This is an occupation comprised mostly of greedy scoundrels, with any exceptions being very few and far between.

The guy who donated a porno collection to the Goodwill Store:
A local Goodwill received a donation of a porn collection (over 100 DVDs), with a note enclosed that said “Due to my new religious beliefs, I cannot keep these, but they are quite valuable. Hopefully you can sell them for a lot of money to help your group.”
Wow, thanks a lot. These will be a big hit in the retail shop. Such a large selection, everything from granny porn to bondage.
What were you thinking? If your religious beliefs won’t let YOU keep them, why in the figgldy fuck would you want someone ELSE to burn in HELL for all eternity?
Besides, you stupid ignorant fucknut, the Goodwill store threw them in the trash, so now no one will be able to enjoy them, even those whose religious views allow them to enjoy adult entertainment. What a waste.

Landlocked relatives:
Every time there’s the slightest chance that a hurricane might come within a thousand miles of here, I start getting calls and text messages from kinfolks who live north of I-10 as far away as Iowa..
“You better evacuate early, so you won’t get caught up in the traffic mess”
“Y’all are crazy to stay there with a storm coming. You must got a death wish.”
“UR CR8ZY. U SHD LV” (via text)
Hey, I’ve been here for fifty fucking years.
I know all about hurricanes.
I am the Dos Equis Man, the Captain Morgan, of Hurricanes. I know when to hold and when to fold. There might come a time when I say, hmmm, time to haul ass away from the Gulf for a few days. But if and when that time comes, I’ll know. I won’t need a farmer in a corn field to clue me in!

People who hate people who hate cats:
It is a God given right to hate cats. Or bugs, snakes, spiders, rats, worms, or the color green. But if you hate cats, there are mean people who hate YOU out there.
There’s no politically correct way to hate cats. You can tell about the diseases they carry, the native bird populations they decimate, the vandalism they commit, and the deaths of newborn babies attributed to them, and the goddam pawprints they put all over your car.  It does not matter. If you hate cats, you are hated by those who hate cat haters. And there‘s a lot of ‘em.

Illiterate bastards:
which clearly does not include you, since you’ve made it this far.

from our last issue of NightMoves:

Man Is Providing Cats For The Homeless

Achmed Greenspoon loves cats, and has a genuine feeling of compassion for the homeless – whether they be feline or human.  Hoping to cash in on the “dot com boom”, Greenspoon has started collecting homeless cats and giving them to homeless people.
He has set up a web page at catsforthehomeless.org to solicit contributions. Recently, Achmed and several volunteers showed up at the Galveston Salvation Army with a giant canvass bag filled with cats – which were passed out as Christmas gifts to a group of homeless people.

“Don’t say I never gave you anything” he shouted, as he tossed each of them a tomcat or tabby.

Greenspoon finds most of his cats in San Leon, where cats reportedly outnumber insects by a 10:1 ratio.  “Cats provide warmth and companionship to homeless people.  They are able to find their own food sources when necessary,”  he told Gator Press reporter Patty Jo Money, “and in case of emergency, they do provide an excellent food source.”

Greenspoon carries 15-20 cats with him wherever he goes.  “I call them my Elite Presidential Guard” he says.

Achmed Greenspoon brings homeless animals and homeless humans together.

Fidel Castro’s Last Friend In America, Robert McKeown

In September of 1961 Hurricane Carla devastated the San Leon and Bacliff communities in Galveston County. Utilities were off and many people had lost everything they owned. In the midst of the relief effort was a Bacliff man, 48 year old Robert McKeown. Arriving at Captain Henry’s on Bayshore Drive with a truck filled with blankets and food for the victims, McKeown went to work. For several days McKeown, his wife, and several friends ferried relief supplies and people using a Rambler station wagon and a borrowed truck. Few of those who met Bob McKeown in 1961 knew very much about him, except that he owned the J & M Drive Inn, a beer joint on Red Bluff Road. No one would have guessed that he was possibly the only man in America that Cuban dictator Fidel Castro counted as a friend.

Robert Ray McKeown was born in Houston in 1913. He grew up in Galena Park and Pasadena, back when Spencer Highway was paved with oyster shells. Nothing is known about his childhood, except that he graduated from high school in Houston in 1931. His police record started the same year, when he was arrested in LaPorte for assault. Charges were dropped and he stayed out of trouble until August of 1933, when he and another man were charged with the armed robbery of a payroll courier in Baytown. McKeown was given 5 years in Huntsville for his part in the robbery. While in prison, McKeown was assigned to the machine shop, where he learned to operate a lathe and other equipment. By the time he was paroled in 1937, McKeown was good enough to get hired by Warren Machine Works in Houston. He stayed out of trouble, and married Ethel Jane Etie of Seabrook on Christmas Day of 1939.
· When the attack on Pearl Harbor occurred two years later, Robert McKeown immediately tried to enlist, but was turned down because of his status as an ex-con. Never one to be deterred, he went to Galveston, where he enlisted in the Army under the assumed name of a high school classmate, J.T. Brown. Within a few weeks, the Army discovered McKeown’s true identity, and gave him an undesirable discharge. Within days, he was in Tulsa, enlisting in the Navy under another alias, H.J. McAllister. This time he got away with it, and was sent to California and on to the Pacific. After the war, “McAllister” was discharged as a Machinist’s Mate 2nd Class, and offered a job with Bethlehem Steel in Beaumont. He moved his wife and two daughters to a shotgun house on Riverside Drive in Orange and went to work. One weekend in early 1947, “McAllister” and his family vanished from the house. Over $20,000 worth of machine and fabricating tools were missing from the job site. Warrants were issued for “McAllister”, but he had ceased to exist. Bob McKeon next arrived in Pasadena, where he opened McKeown Fabricating Co. in the fall of 1947.
· McKeown then began using the name “Max” McKeown. The business received a contract from Hughes Tool Company the following year, and was soon one of Houston’s busiest shops. McKeown and his wife bought a house in the Shady Lake area of Pasadena and business boomed.
· One day in 1950, a man named Van Zeivander came to see McKeown about building a machine he had created that improved the process of cleaning coffee. The process was very successful. During this time, much raw coffee was processed and packaged in Santiago, Cuba. McKeown and Zeivander went there in 1950, where they set up a plant. Within the first year, they did over $2 million. Soon the McKeowns were well known in Havana and Santiago. McKeown became an investor in casinos, and became friendly with Cuban President Carlos Prio Socarro.
· In 1952, Fulgencio Batista overthrew Prio’s government and became President of Cuba. Prio fled to Miami, but retained ownership of business interests in Cuba. There is evidence that Prio, with McKeown’s help, transferred $19 million in cash to a Miami bank controlled by the mafia.
Batista, aware that McKeown had helped Prio, started extorting money from the Texan. When the demands became too great, McKeown made plans to move his business to the Bahamas. Batista got wind of it and deported McKeown to Miami, seizing his manufacturing plant and bank accounts.
· McKeown went to lawyers, crooks, and the government, seeking to have his business returned. His entire fortune had been taken away, and he was determined to get it back, with some payback for Batista. In Miami, former Cuban President Prio took his friend in and offered to help. The pair believed that only a coup against Batista would restore their fortunes in Cuba. At the time, Batista was having trouble with a group of revolutionaries led by brothers Raoul and Fidel Castro. They found that an organized crime figure in Tampa named Nelson Italiano was already assisting Castro’s forces with small arms and ammunition. Remember, at this time Castro was not affiliated with communism, and was considered a “freedom fighter”.
· In 1956, Castro came to Houston, where he met with McKeown and Prio at the Shamrock Hotel. At the time, Castro had just come from Mexico, where he was training his forces to invade Cuba. He needed a ship. Using Prio’s money, McKeown bought a Chilean freighter at the Port of Houston, which was later used to carry Castro’s army back to Cuba.
· McKeown may have first met Jack Ruby in Miami. Ruby owned half of a Hallandale Fla. night club called the Colonial Inn. His partner was Bernard Baker (later arrested as a Watergate burglar, and also identified by Deputy Constable Frank Weitzman as one of the fake Secret Service agents in Dealey Plaza). Baker was Prio’s “straw man” – Prio was Ruby’s true partner.
· Prio’s money and McKeown’s energy were put to use on behalf of organized crime figures. A meeting was held in May ’57 with an attorney from Tampa named Henry Gonzales. Gonzales single client during his career was South Florida crime boss Santo Trafficante Jr. The group started sending weapons to Castro through Valenti & Sons, a fruit shipper located at the Port of Tampa. Cash payment for the weapons was found by McKeown in a safety deposit box at the Pan American Bank in North Tampa. The other key to the box belonged to Henry Gonzales.
When Tampa voters elected a personal friend of Batista to be Mayor (Nick Nuccio), police put the heat on support for the revolutionaries. McKeown suggested moving the operation to Houston, and this was done by December of 1957.
When Tampa authorities discovered the operation had moved, Mayor Nuccio (who had a lot of law enforcement contacts) turned over their investigation to the Feds, who had been watching Prio for several years. Acting on information provided by the Tampa cops, the FBI set up a surveillance of McKeown from a house on the Seabrook waterfront.
· On February 18, 1958 they sprang the trap. McKeown’s yacht, the 38 ft “Buddy Dee” was seized by US Customs and the Coast Guard near Port Bolivar carrying a large gun shipment to Cuba. The Feds arrested McKeown for violating the US Neutrality Act. Arrested the same day were former Cuban President Carlos Prio, McKeown’s wife, and several others.
While he waited to go to trial, McKeown and former Harris County Sheriff’s Deputy Carl Jarrett opened the J & M Drive Inn, a bar/marina located on Red Bluff Road at Taylor Lake (later known as Cecil’s Red Lantern). The money to open the club was provided by Prios through Barnard Baker. Because of McKeown’s charges, the place was licensed in Jarrett’s name.
McKeown received 5 years probation for gun-running in October of 1958. His yacht was seized, and once more he was nearly broke. However, Castro had the ship, and the invasion went forward as planned.
· On New Years Day of 1959, Castro’s revolutionaries arrived in Havana to find Batista had fled, and the casinos had been locked up. Two days later, the Houston Post carried a story titled “Convicted Gunrunner Hails Castro Victory” about McKeown.

· After the story was published, Jack Ruby came to visit McKeon. He offered McKeown $25,000 to introduce him to Castro. He told McKeown that he had some surplus Army jeeps in Shreveport he would like to sell – and asked McKeon to assist in getting Santo Trafficante Jr. released from a Cuban jail where he was being held. McKeon met with Ruby at the Edgewater Club in Kemah. Some say they made a deal, some say they didn’t. Anecdotal evidence is that Ruby rented a two story house on Kipp Street in Kemah and shipped the jeeps to Castro within a few weeks.
· In April, Castro arrived at Hobby Field on his last visit to America as a non-communist. His reason for visiting the US was to see Robert McKeown of Bacliff. The Houston Chronicle photographed Castro and McKeown together, and reported Castro had offered McKeon the job of Minister of Industry. McKeon’s probation officer and the FBI told McKeown he would be arrested if he tried to leave the US. Castro told the Chronicle reporter that without McKeon’s help, there would have been no revolution.
Apparently at this meeting, Castro agreed to some kind of ransom terms for Trafficante, but the Mafia suffered a major fiasco in trying to meet them. In early May, 1959, the Mafia allegedly stole $8.5 million from a Canadian bank and also stole a large number of weapons from the Ohio National Guard. A police investigation showed that mafiosi Norman Rothman had spent $6,000 of the money to rent airplanes to smuggle the arms to Castro’s forces in Cuba. On July 3, Rothman was arrested for this series of crimes.
· Within a year, Castro learned that the CIA was trying to kill him, and allied himself with the Soviet Union. McKeown, when he heard this, reportedly exploded. He knew that the possibility of regaining his Cuban business was now practically zero. Like other Cuban exiles, he believed that only a US invasion would suffice. The election of President John F. Kennedy was a further setback. After the Bay of Pigs fiasco, Kennedy made it obvious that he would not be launching an invasion of Cuba.
· The CIA however, continued to train exiles at camps in Florida, Louisiana, and Texas. CIA-trained insurgent Sergio Arcacha Smith traveled to Houston in March of 1963 to work with ex-President Carlos Prio, Robert McKeown, and the Free Cuba Committee. The group met at a private club in Dickinson owned by Galveston’s Maceo Brothers. A trailer park compound with a rifle range was set up in Algoa (near Alvin) where potential Cuban liberation forces were indoctrinated and trained by Smith and others, including CIA operatives. Segio Arcacha Smith has been identified by biometrics as one of the men in the “three tramps” photo from Dealey Plaza. McKeown wasn’t personally concerned with the ideology, according to his daughter, Margaret Britt. He just wanted his business returned and was willing to fight for it.
· In September of ’63, a man calling himself “Leon Oswald” visited McKeown at his home on 1st Street in Bacliff, accompanied by a Latin man named Hernandez. The man asked about obtaining bazookas & machine guns. McKeown ran the pair off, but five minutes later they returned and Oswald asked McKeown to acquire 4 Savage .300 automatic rifles with telescopic sights, for which he would pay $10k. Sam Neill of League City was there and has corroborated the story in sworn statements to the FBI. Both said the man was identical to the Oswald they saw assassinated on television by Jack Ruby six weeks later.
· The next time McKeown was reportedly sighted comes from an FBI document that says that two Dallas homosexuals, Breck Wall and Joe Peterson, on Saturday, November 23, 1963, at about 6:00 pm, left their rooms at the Adolphus Hotel in Dallas, picked a man named William Seymour up at the Abundant Life Temple, and drove him to the Driftwood Motel in Galveston where they turned him over to David Ferrie, Robert McKeown, and others at about 11:00 pm. Seymour was to hide out at McKeown’s house in Bacliff, until a few days later when he would return to his sister’s home in Phoenix, Arizona. Jack Ruby called McKeown in Galveston around midnight of the 23rd to check on Seymour. William Seymour is the man who conspiracy theorists refer to as the “2nd Oswald”, an FBI informant and petty crook who was a ringer for Oswald. McKeown later denied this ever happened. Records showed the room had been rented on that date in the name of H. McAllister, McKeown’s old Navy alias.
· Two weeks later, McKeown’s probation expired and he was a free man once more. However, the JFK investigation brought him back to the FBI several times to answer more questions about Ruby and Oswald. After testifying to the Warren Commission, McKeown moved to Miami, where he and his wife remained close to former Cuban President Carlos Prio. In 1977, Prio allegedly killed himself because of business misfortunes.
· After losing a lung to cancer, McKeown moved in with his daughter in a Miami suburb. In 1989, Robert McKeown died there of emphysema.
· Did Bob McKeown participate in the plot to kill Kennedy? Nobody knows for sure. If he did, he certainly wasn’t in Dallas that day. He was visited by his probation officer, Joe Fields, an hour before the assassination took place. He was no admirer of Kennedy by all accounts. McKeown felt that as long as Kennedy was in office, he would never get his coffee cleaning business or casino shares back. If he didn’t help kill Kennedy, he wasn’t all broke up about the assassination. Despite all efforts, he never did regain his lost fortune in Cuba.
Even if Robert McKeon didn’t help kill Kennedy, he did do a lot of other things that make him one of the most colorful figures in the history of the Bayside area.

Accused Pothead Jailed For Contempt

(TEXAS CITY) – When Kenny MacVillers was asked by Galveston County Probation officer Hector Bainell to provide a urine sample, he unzipped his fly and peed all over Bainell’s desk. This was the veteran probation officer’s first sign of trouble. Things got worse at a probation revocation hearing in County Court on October 28th.
After hearing a report from the prosecutor, Judge Maxine Proull asked MacVillers if he had anything to say in his own behalf. MacVillers then stood up and began a rambling and incoherent 40-minute statement accusing police of ruining his reputation as a marijuana distributor. “They said my pot was low grade dirt weed” he said, “Do you have any idea what that did to my reputation?” Judge Proull admonished MacVillers that this was inadmissible, at which point MacVillers shouted “Blow me, your Honor!”. He was then escorted out of the courthouse and charged with contempt of court.
On his way to the jail, MacVillers fell down and gave himself a black eye and several broken ribs, according to a press release from the Sheriff’s office.

Photo from Kenny's MySpace page

Because the Contempt citation is his third offense, McVillers will be sentenced as an Habitual Offender when he appears in court next month. His outburst means he now faces a life sentence,

Most of us associate Thanksgiving with happy Pilgrims and Indians sitting down to a big feast.  And that did happen – once.
The story began in 1614 when a band of English explorers sailed home to  England with a ship full of Patuxet Indians bound for slavery. They left behind smallpox which virtually wiped out those who had escaped.  By the time the Pilgrims arrived in Massachusetts Bay they found only one living Patuxet Indian, a man named Squanto who had survived slavery in England and knew their language.  He taught them to grow corn and to fish, and negotiated a peace treaty between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Nation. At the end of their first year, the Pilgrims held a great feast honoring Squanto and the Wampanoags.
But as word spread in England about the paradise to be found in the new world, religious zealots called Puritans began arriving by the boat load. Finding no fences around the land, they considered it to be in the public domain. Joined by other British settlers, they seized land, capturing strong young Natives for slaves and killing the rest.  But the Pequot Nation had not agreed to the peace treaty Squanto had negotiated and they fought back. The Pequot War was one of the bloodiest Indian wars ever fought.
In 1637 near present day  Groton, Connecticut, over 700 men, women and children of the Pequot Tribe had gathered for their annual Green Corn Festival which is our Thanksgiving celebration. In the predawn hours the sleeping Indians were surrounded by English and Dutch mercenaries who ordered them to come outside.  Those who came out were shot or clubbed to death while the terrified women and children who huddled inside the longhouse were burned alive. The next day the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared “A Day Of Thanksgiving” because 700 unarmed men, women and children had been murdered.
Cheered by their “victory”, the brave colonists and their Indian allies attacked village after village. Women and children over 14 were sold into slavery while the rest were murdered.  Boats loaded with a many as 500 slaves regularly left the ports of New England. Bounties were paid for Indian scalps to encourage as many deaths as possible.
Following an especially successful raid against the Pequot in what is now  Stamford, Connecticut, the churches announced a second day of “thanksgiving” to celebrate victory over the heathen savages.  During the feasting, the hacked off heads of Natives were kicked through the streets like soccer balls.  Even the friendly Wampanoag did not escape the madness. Their chief was beheaded, and his head impaled on a pole in Plymouth, Massachusetts — where it remained on display for 24 years.
The killings became more and more frenzied, with days of thanksgiving feasts being held after each successful massacre. George Washington finally suggested that only one day of Thanksgiving per year be set aside instead of celebrating each and every massacre. Later Abraham Lincoln decreed Thanksgiving Day to be a legal national holiday during the Civil War — on the same day he ordered troops to march against the starving Sioux in Minnesota.
This story doesn’t have quite the same fuzzy feelings associated with it as the one where the Indians and Pilgrims are all sitting down together at the big feast.  But we need to learn our true history so it won’t ever be repeated.  Next  Thanksgiving, when you gather with your loved ones to Thank God for all your blessings, think about those people who only wanted to live their lives and raise their families.  They, also took time out to say “thank you” to Creator for all their blessings.

The MADD Myth Of The Drunk Driving Holocaust

Driving a motor vehicle while shitfaced drunk is a bad idea. There is no disputing that. You should also avoid playing with firearms and power tools while intoxicated. This is simple common sense. However, did you know that more people die from choking on their food every year than are killed by drunk drivers? The true number of innocent people killed by drunk drivers is about the same as the number who drown annually in swimming pools, or die in ATV accidents. It is in fact a tiny number.

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) and the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration (NHTSA) have cited an average of 25,000 alcohol-related traffic deaths per year. This figure is an intentional, self-serving, politically motivated lie. This can be seen in definitions and national numbers from NHTSA’s own publications.
The phrase “Alcohol-related” means that at least one of the participants in a traffic accident had consumed a  “measurable amount” of alcohol, however small, or an alcohol container is found in any of the vehicles involved.  If 30 people in a Greyhound Bus die in a crash, and one passenger has a liquor bottle in their luggage, this is called an alcohol-related crash! One empty beer can is “evidence”. This dishonest way of accounting produces the following logic: 98% of all fatal accidents are “sobriety-related” because a sober person is somehow involved. See how foolish and dishonest this is?
So, when you hear that “40% of fatal  traffic accidents are alcohol related”, you are hearing a fictitious number.
Many accidents include passengers, the other driver, and pedestrians. All of these people must have zero alcohol intake in order to make the accident non-alcohol related. If any one of them has the smallest trace of alcohol, the whole accident is called “alcohol related”.
But wait, it gets worse. Lumped together in the term “alcohol related” is all drugs, including prescribed medication! If there is a prescription bottle for Xanax, a “roach” in the ashtray, a package of rolling papers, or anything else that can be construed as drug-related, the accident goes into the 40% category – even if the drugs are found on a passenger or pedestrian! So, since most elderly Americans are taking some type of prescription medication, their unfortunate traffic deaths become a significant part of these phony statistics.
So, the government statisticians start with defective definitions, deceitfully discard nondrinking drivers to create false high percentages, add drinking pedestrians to the mix, then for extra spice they add drug possessing drivers to their cauldron of fraudulent figures. The final mess is taken out of context then spoon-fed to the MADD mothers and the 6 o’clock news as if it were the Word of God when it’s actually propaganda to support severe laws that defy logic and the Bill of Rights.
NHTSA’s numbers are lies but the resultant brutal laws are very real. Laws such as the confiscation and sale of cars for drunk driving, “implied consent” laws, “sobriety checkpoints” and no right to a jury trial if arrested on federal land which is 21% of the total and growing.
Incidentally, the federal government owns more than half the land in the West. For example, it owns 83% of Nevada, 65% of Utah and 62% of Idaho and Alaska.
Here are the real numbers:
There are about 35,000 fatal traffic accidents each year in the United States. About 40,000 people die each year in these accidents. 60% of these accidents are single-vehicle. 80% of these are drivers or passengers, 5% are motorcyclists, and 15% are pedestrians. Fatal accidents comprise one half of one percent of reported traffic accidents.
Here’s the logical meltdown of the fictitious 40% figure:
More than 2/3 of traffic deaths are single vehicle crashes, so now we’re down to 13%.
Out of this 13%, 60% are accidents in which no person involved had a blood alcohol level over .10, so now we’re at 5%.
Over 1/3 of these cases are drug related, not alcohol related, which leaves us at 3%.
Half of these cases were caused by road conditions, weather, and sober drivers making errors, which puts us at 1.5%.
So, we can say that about 1.5% of traffic fatalities are caused by alcohol-impaired drivers.
The other 98.5% are caused by other things.
Instead of 25,000 the true number is about 600 innocent people killed annually by drunk drivers.
Of course it’s sad those innocent people died. But one might compare that number to the 2,000 children, most age 4 and younger, who die every year due to abuse or neglect. Or compare it to the 180,000 who die from negligence in hospitals per year. Those are all big numbers, but again, there are 280 million people living in the United States.
How drunk is drunk? USA Today states that a .08 blood alcohol content is “reached by a 120-pound woman who has 2 glasses of wine in 2 hours, or by a 160-pound man who has 3 drinks in 2 hours.”  With attention focused on redefining “drunk,” people tend to forget that when the definition of drunk was dropped to .08, “impaired” was reduced to .05 – that’s a shot and a beer – or essentially “zero tolerance.” From .05 to .08, the police may arrest you at their own discretion and charge you with DUI. That means virtually everyone who stops at a bar is subject to arrest.
If these people constituted an actual threat of imminent danger to the community, it would be all to the good. But they don’t. They’re just regular folks like you and me. There is no evidence that persons below .12 constitute any danger at all.
A nationally publicized study in the February 1997 New England Journal of Medicine concluded that driving with a BAC of .10 is less hazardous than talking on a cell-phone while driving. That, however, is not the way the study and newspapers described the situation. Their words:  “Cell phone talking is as dangerous as drunk driving!”
The only significant difference between talking on a car-phone or talking to a passenger in your car is that passengers can be more distracting.  And yet, the study shows that phone-driving is equal to driving legally drunk. So how risky can “impaired driving” actually be?  That’s clear evidence of how greatly the public has been misled about drinking and driving.
Some of you might remember that New Orleans for many years had drive-up Daquiri stands, where you could pull up and get mixed drinks. There was no law against drinking while driving in Louisiana until a few years ago. You could sip from a whiskey bottle with no fear of arrest.
So, was there carnage on the streets of New Orleans? Not at all. In fact, the numbers of “alcohol-related” accidents and deaths in Louisiana were right at the national average, and didn’t go down after the law was changed in the mid 1990s. Changing the laws in Louisiana did not save lives, although it did harm businesses and turn a whole group of previously law-abiding citizens into criminals.
And that is the real problem. When virtually everyone who drives away from a pub or restaurant is subject to criminal arrest – that’s a police state. When a car and a drivers license can be confiscated before trial, that’s a police state.
How did it all get so fucked up?
Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) was founded by a group of California women in 1980 after a 13 year old girl was killed by a hit-and-run driver. Since that time MADD has developed into one of the largest and most powerful political action/advocacy organizations in the U.S.
MADD’s activities were originally geared towards legitimate educational and victim support. MADD’s political focus was aimed at removing chronic alcoholic drunk drivers from the nation’s highways. Responsible social drinkers who drove home after a wedding or after good conversation with friends at the neighborhood pub were not targets of MADD’s efforts. Unfortunately, in recent years the organization and most of it’s local chapters has been taken over by ultra-conservative, anti-alcohol extremists who have adopted a political agenda that threatens the second coming of Prohibition.
If MADD’s attempts to criminalize all drinkers really saved lives it would be one thing. However, all available valid government data indicates that it does not.
Around 1985, MADD’s principal founder Candy Lightner left the organization she founded.  Lightner cited a lack of focus on the real public safety issue, that of getting chronic alcoholic drunk drivers off the road. Lightner later became a lobbyist working against laws lowering the legal standard of drunk from .10 to .08.
Today MADD is a slick, multi-million dollar operation that in addition to hardsell mail and telephone soliciting, has a catalogue delivered to more than a million homes, selling the lies along with merchandise such as T-shirts, key chains, watches and many more MADD specialty items.
MADD was the focus of an NBC exposé in which Tom Brokaw looked at the “boiler room operation” of telephone solicitors that worked day and night collecting money and spouting lies for MADD. The company operating the boiler rooms kept 72 cents of every dollar raised of a reported $35 million in telephone contributions.
MADD isn’t the only organization feasting on concocted paranoia:  Two years after MADD arrived on the scene, Students Against Drunk Driving (SADD) was founded by a high school hockey coach named Robert Anastas. Eleven years after he founded it, Anastas retired from SADD, but not without abundant financial rewards: The SADD board of directors gave Anastas a retirement parachute worth more than one million dollars: He received a compensation package worth $316,398 upon his resignation; a $150,000 retirement package and a consulting contract that pays $195,000 annually for two years, $85,000 annually for the next five years, and $75,000 every year after that. It is a big business convincing America that alcohol causes a lot of people to die in horrible crashes. But there are many victims of the resulting legislation.
The number of people arrested in Kemah, Texas each year is greater than the number of innocent fatalities caused by drunk drivers in the entire United States.
To beef up revenues, police agencies unleash special squads to target “impaired” drivers. The suspect is shackled, his car is ransacked, he’s searched and tossed in the patrol car, then photographed, fingerprinted, thrown in a cage, and if he declined to submit to an alcohol test,  he may be strapped down,  have needles plunged into his body and have blood extracted from his veins. And then, even if that person is found Not Guilty, he will spends hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars  for  the  repugnant  experience.  It’s tantamount to armed robbery, kidnapping, and assault and battery, to say the least.
Once arrested these otherwise law-abiding citizens are subjected to imprisonment; huge fines and court costs; costs of probation; unjust property forfeitures; made to attend political re-education meetings; psychological testing; involuntary forced labor; public humiliation; loss of driving privileges; loss of jobs; self esteem; and destruction of their families.
All of that happens because of  lies – a witch hunt.  “If one life can saved, then it’s worth it,”  say the MADD mothers.
This scenario, in varying circumstances, happens about 2 million times every year in America.
Drinking and driving is far from being the #1 cause of accidents. Can you imagine if all the above misery were inflicted on stop sign runners and speeders?  When drivers cruise through stop signs or try to beat yellow lights, those are acts that can cause serious accidents: Acts that unquestionably claim far more innocent victims per year than alcohol.  If a cop spots you trying to beat a red light and writes a ticket, you willingly, albeit grudgingly, pay about $100.  However, you will not be arrested, you will not lose thousands of dollars, you will not be carted off to jail, you will not lose your right to drive, you will not lose your car, you will not be placed on probation, you will not be forbidden to leave the state, you will not be forced to attend a behavior modification program, and your life will go on.
If you’ve read this far, you’ve seen enough to realize that the “war on drunk drivers” is not being waged solely against drinking drivers who are merely pawns in a much larger game: This is a war against alcohol.
Over the past decade, there’s been a reported gradual decline in “alcohol-related” fatal traffic accidents.  MADD is taking credit, and many are mindlessly giving it to them. What they don’t mention is that there has been a gradual decline in ALL traffic deaths, not just “alcohol related”. I bet it has more to do with anti-lock brakes, safety inspections, and air bags. The only thing MADD can rightfully take credit for is the wanton vandalism of the Bill of Rights and for inflicting chaos upon the lives of millions of drivers who have harmed no one but have nevertheless been dragged through the criminal justice system while being denied their “inalienable rights” and watching their bank accounts wiped out and placed in the hands of those who wish to  rob more powerless drivers.
During the past ten years, a lot of draconian laws have been passed. The drinking age has been raised from 18 to 21 (the kids are still drinking, but without any supervision – or they’ve turned to drugs). Have fatality rates due to drunk drivers really dropped? Nope. The general trend for all traffic deaths has gone down, due to air bags and anti-lock brakes. There is no indication that MADD’s agenda has accomplished anything. Their initial mission, to remove chronic alkies from the roads, was accomplished a long time ago. Since then they have become ineffective – but they have too much money and political clout to simply fade away. So they are now into preventing “date rape”, raising taxes, and supporting gun control laws – issues that have nothing to do with drunk driving.
Ten thousand years ago, the discovery of the intoxicating effects of fermented barley motivated the shift from hunting and gathering to agriculture. The desire for beer caused a fundamental shift in human society. Our forefathers gathered at taverns where they hoisted a mug of ale and decided to fight for liberty. Drinking beer has been a benefit to society, and when they make beer drinkers into criminals (and they have already done so), you are no longer living in a free country.
Twenty four years ago there was a group of ladies who started a group to educate the public on the dangers of drunk driving. This has evolved into a political cause hell-bent on changing America’s social habits. They use flawed data and inflammatory rhetoric to achieve their goals and will continue to do so in the future. The biggest threat to this country today is social engineering, not the beer coming out of Milwaukee. If people choose not to drink then fine, but when they try to make criminals out of people who enjoy a legal and taxable product then it is time to question their credibility and that of those who support their efforts.
Drunk driving – the real thing – is bad. But the “cure” has now become far worse than the disease.   …GATOR

“The Federal Reserve Bank is not federal, has no reserves, and is not a bank. It is an illusion,  like Doctor Phil, who is not really a doctor, and whose name is not actually Phil.”

The world’s largest scam, explained:

The Federal Reserve Bank is not federal, has no reserves, and is not a bank. It is an illusion,  like Doctor Phil, who is not really a doctor, and whose name is not actually Phil.  The Fed is not a part of our government and is not controlled by our government. Our own government does not issue currency and does not print money. They do not control the printing of money. All of our money comes from the Federal Reserve. So when you hear someone say that Obama or the government is printing money like crazy, they are uninformed.
The Federal Reserve Bank is 100% owned by private banking interests. Several international banks control it and share in the profits that it earns by manipulating our financial markets.
When the Federal Reserve prints $10, they do not “give” it to our government. They loan it to the government and to the taxpayers. They charge us interest on this loan. So when they print $10, we immediately owe them  $11. Since this is more money than they have actually printed, we will always owe the Fed more money than they have ever actually printed. Paying off the National Debt is therefore a mathematical impossibility. This interest continues to snowball, until the amount of the debt finally surpasses the ability of the people to pay, and the Federal Reserve is left with only one option: Squeeze the people tighter and tighter in order to postpone the impending and unavoidable systemic collapse that must eventually occur.
That’s where the nation of Greece is right now. That’s where Iceland was a couple of years ago. That’s where Europe is heading; and that’s where we are about to go in America.
We are being squeezed down into lesser jobs and lower standards of living, in order to make sure that the Federal Reserve gets paid. “We will loan you some more money, but you’re going to have to cut back on living expenses so you can make higher and higher payments to us!”
Some people say that’s how capitalism works. Bullshit. This has nothing to do with capitalism.
It’s actually about an unconstitutional private group of billionaires who control our country.
Article I, Section 8, Clause 5, of the United States Constitution provides that Congress shall have the power to coin money and regulate the value thereof.  If the Fed were actually a federal agency, the government could issue US legal tender directly, avoiding unnecessary interest-bearing debt to private middlemen who create the money out of thin air themselves. Among other benefits to the taxpayers, a truly “federal” Federal Reserve could lend to state and local governments interest-free, cutting the cost of infrastructure in half, restoring the thriving local economies of earlier decades. The trillions of dollars of US debt could be exchanged dollar for dollar with real US currency as the debt becomes due. There would be no inflation because there would be no additional currency in circulation. The tax burden could be cut if we took back the Fed and this would cause our economy to rapidly expand.
The Federal Reserve is the largest single creditor of the United States Government, and they are also the people who decide how much the average persons car payments are going to be, what their house payments are going to be, and whether they even have a job or not.
Not only do they have too much power, but that power is not granted by the Constitution.
They are illegal, interloping, blood-sucking parasites. They are a criminal enterprise.
Incidentally, this is the only common ground between the Tea Party and the Occupy Wall Street movements.  Both groups know that the Federal banking system is the real problem.
On this, if nothing else, ultra conservatives and ultra liberals can find agreement.
In Iceland, when their own version of the Federal Reserve defaulted on loans owed to the IMF (International Monetary Fund – the global Fed), the voters banged pots and pans in the street until the government scheduled early elections. 90% of the voters said “no” to bailing out the banks. The president of Iceland afterward said “The banks are privately owned. The people are not responsible for private business failures.” The money-changers were aghast, and predicted Iceland would become a third-world country within a few months.  Instead, the economy of Iceland is recovering quite nicely. The economy is steadily growing and there is a boom in small businesses. Unemployment has dropped from a high of 9.9% down to 7.3% this year.
In Argentina, where the government defaulted to the tune of $100 billion, and rejected the idea of paying an insurmountable debt to foreign banks, there is a major economic boom going on. Things are going so well that the Argentine government is providing free laptops, health care, child care, pay raises and pension raises to all. Unemployment is at an all-time low.
In America, in 1963, President John Kennedy wanted an end to the Federal Reserve System, which had a strangle-hold on the United States and virtually the world. By a stroke of the pen, President Kennedy dismissed the Federal Reserve System and ordered the US government to restore its Constitutional mandate of controlling the currency. He ordered the Treasury Department to start printing debt-free US currency. President Kennedy was dead three weeks later. When President Lyndon Johnson took office, he immediately rescinded Kennedy’s order and the “Kennedy notes” were quietly and quickly removed from circulation.
In New York City, in 1861, President Abraham Lincoln showed up with his hat in his hand to ask the Fed banksters (then known as the Associated Banks) to lend money to the government in order to preserve the Union. The banks demanded 20-30%, thinking they had Lincoln over a barrel. The new president declined the usurious offer. An old friend of Lincoln’s, Colonel Dick Taylor of Chicago, was put in charge of solving the problem of how to finance the war. His solution was: “Get Congress to pass a bill authorizing the printing of full legal tender notes and pay your soldiers with them and go ahead and win your war with them also.” When Lincoln asked if the people of America would accept the notes Taylor said. “The people or anyone else will not have any choice in the matter, if you make them full legal tender. They will have the full sanction of the government and be just as good as any money; as Congress is given that express right by the Constitution.”  Lincoln agreed to try this solution and printed 450 million dollars worth of the new bills using green ink on the back to distinguish them from other notes.  He explained it thusly: “The government should create, issue and circulate all the currency and credit needed to satisfy the spending power of the government and the buying power of consumers. The privilege of issuing money is not only the supreme prerogative of Government, but it is the Government’s greatest creative opportunity.” The solution worked so well Lincoln was considering adopting this emergency measure as a permanent policy. Lincoln’s opposition to the central banks is well documented. He would certainly have killed off the national banks monopoly had he not been killed himself only 41 days after being re-elected.
The same solution could and would work today. People are starting to realize that in the final analysis, the Federal Reserve banking system is the problem.
Thomas Jefferson stated, “If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”
This prophecy by Jefferson is being fulfilled right now, in our generation.
It is time for the American people to demand that the Federal Reserve Banking system be made fully accountable to the people or abolished entirely. We should not have to pay interest on our own money. A private group of investors should not have absolute control over our national economy.  Our tax dollars should never be used to bail out private monopolies.
Neither political party is innocent. Both are guilty of selling our country to Wall Street, an act of treason for which they should be held fully accountable.

Police Search For Suspect Who Crapped in Washing Machine
Dickinson Police are investigating the possibility that a homeless person has been taking care of his bathroom needs in the laundry room of a local apartment complex.
According to police reports, a resident at the Piney Oaks Apartments returned to the laundry room on November 3rd to find a man sitting on a washing machine she had been using, which still contained a load of her clothes. When the man said “excuse me” the victim left the laundry and returned to her apartment, where she notified her husband.
The woman’s husband was reportedly afraid to confront the man alone, so he called police. By the time officers were able to respond, the suspect had left a surprise in the washer and departed.
Police are looking for a suspect described as 45-50 years of age, possibly homeless, last seen wearing a ragged brown Aggies jacket and a Red Man Tobacco baseball cap.

Massive Marijuana Stash Slowly Going Up In Smoke
West Cove is a little dot on the map near Beaumont. The police in West Cove consist of one officer, Police Chief Nick Gonadino. In April, Gonadino stopped a semi-trailer containing 20 tons of marijuana. Since that time, the stash has been stored in the tiny jail at West Cove. With the jail full, Gonadino has quit patrolling and making arrests.
“I have to protect this evidence, and supervise the controlled burning of it” Chief Gonadino said. Because his department does not have an incinerator, the illegal weed must be burned by hand, using a barbecue pit located behind the station. Recently an unfavorable wind filled a nearby convenience store with fumes from the burning, causing them to sell out of potato chips.
Patrons were seen giggling and cavorting nude in the incident. Gonadino downplays any hint of danger to the public, however. “Hey man, so maybe some people are gonna get mellow and cop some munchies. Ever since that truck got here, things are like, really groovy in West Cove. The scene is like, really out of sight.” Gonadino says that numerous spectators attend the daily burnings, even though the fumes are very strong.

Newspaper Sued For Libel and Slander by BASTARDS
A small newspaper in the bayside communities of Galveston County has been sued by a group of stupid busybodies called the Bayside Association to Stop Tobacco And Related Dangerous Substances (BASTARDS).
The lawsuit claims the paper libeled and slandered these stupid crooks.
According to documents obtained at the courthouse, the members of the anti-smoker group are alleging that the Seabreeze News made “derogatory and libelous” statements about officials of the organization both  “knowingly and intentionally” in an issue published in April of this year.
The newspaper reported on allegations of vote-fixing, under-the-table deals, and malfeasance. The story stated that the BASTARDS were inherently dishonest, and that residents no longer trust the BASTARDS. Some citizens, the paper said, think the BASTARDS ought to face criminal charges and jail time. The paper also said the greedy fuckers were stealing funds.
Attorney Basil Boner Jr. filed the lawsuit on behalf of the BASTARDS on November 3rd. The blood-sucking plaintiffs seek an undisclosed sum of cash and printed retractions.
Legal observers anticipate that the suit could be expanded to include additional publications who may carry derogatory stories about the BASTARDS.
It is against state law for a newspaper to say that the dishonest thieving fuckers are screwing the shit out of everybody, and any publisher who does so runs the risk of being sued by these crooked sons of bitches.

Mystery Of San Leon UFO Crash Grows

Whatever it was that crashed to Earth in San Leon on September 24th, it has generated a lot of interest from the United States government and from private investigative groups. In fact, motels in the area are practically filled with researchers and bureaucrats from all over the country.
The known facts are that on the evening of September 24th, several witnesses saw a fiery object moving at a high rate of speed fall from the sky and land in a cow pasture at 18th Street and Broadway.  This occurred just after 5:30 pm.
The object reportedly exploded in a fireball upon impact, setting the field afire.  The first responders to arrive were the San Leon Volunteer Fire Department.  They were reportedly unaware of what had started the blaze, but battled flames that threatened to get out of control in the dry gusty conditions on that date.  They finally brought the blaze under control at about 7 pm. The fire covered about 60 acres of pasture, and no buildings were destroyed.
At first. Assistant Fire Chief Scott Lyons was very cooperative, telling us that the object might have been a meteorite, or part of a falling satellite. We published that information in our last issue.
Since then, Lyons and other officials won’t speak “on the record” about the incident, saying they cannot comment on cases that are still under investigation.  They were unable to disclose exactly what is under investigation, or even whether there is any investigation regarding the incident.
In the meanwhile, a team of scientists from the NASA Space Center visited the scene the morning after the fire, and closed the area off with yellow crime scene warning tape.  They encamped at the spot for two days, and – judging from the mess they left behind – removed a large amount of dirt from the site.
Unmarked helicopters, presumably military, have also been seen hovering above the site and flying around it on several occasions recently.
A neighbor who asked not to be named, wrecker service owner Sam Adams, said that at one point a member of the NASA crew at the site asked him to bring a winch and assist in loading a truck with some debris from the site.
Adams said he was not able to see what was loaded into the flatbed truck, as it was wrapped up and tied inside of a large tarpaulin. He said whatever it was weighed 600-800 pounds, and was approximately the size of a grand piano.
The NASA crew at the site was wearing white-colored hazmat safety suits, but Adams said they appeared to be wearing US Air Force uniforms underneath.  The one who requested Adams help had an eagle insignia, indicating the rank of Colonel.
“They paid me $100 cash, and I wrote them a receipt. It took about 30 minutes start to finish” Adams reported.
Two days later, after the NASA team had left, there were more visitors poking around in the cow pasture.
On September 27th, a group of at least 5 civilian researchers arrived from New Mexico. We know this because they checked into a local motel, and their vehicles all had “Land Of Enchantment” license plates.  Dianna Reyes of San Leon reported to the Seabreeze on October 30th that she had spoken with a female college student from the group who said they were investigating the crash of a UFO in San Leon.  She met the woman at Sullivan Pharmacy in Bacliff on the 28th.
Reyes said she had not read the story in our last issue, and knew nothing about any UFO crash until later when she told her husband about it. He then told her about the fire, and the meteorite theory that had been published in the newspaper.
The following day, Reyes also told her boyfriend, who encouraged her to contact us and KHOU News in Houston.
Reyes said that the young woman she met was very enthusiastic about whatever had happened in San Leon.  “She sounded pretty sure that it was a UFO that crashed, and that the government had taken away the evidence.”
Other civilian investigators have also turned up at the site, which is now the subject of several internet web pages. One refers to it as “Area 52 – San Leon Texas” while another claims that tiny bits of debris have been found which are unlike any known objects – tiny bits of a very light metallic substance.
One UFO blogger who claimed to have visited the site said that readings taken with a magnometer indicate that there was a tremendous amount of energy released at the point of impact.  He claims the readings were what might be expected at the site of a large explosion created by a bomb, missile, or comet.  “This release of energy was very concentrated and powerful, much greater than would be seen in the case of a meteor or space debris” he concluded.
This is confirmed by eyewitness Jerry Long of San Leon, who saw the object fall and the subsequent explosion, then dialed 9-1-1. “I saw it fall out of the corner of my eye, I didn’t really get a good look. But as I turned that way, it hit the ground and blew up like a huge bomb. The ground shook.  The flames shot out in every directions for hundreds of feet.  I fell down on the ground, I was so startled and shaken.”
Our attempts to get some comment from NASA was unsuccessful.  We were referred to the Public Affairs Officer at the Johnson Space Center, Michael Kincaid, who said the only thing he had the authority to do would be to send us a brochure about the Space Center and Museum and tours.
“Speaking off the record, and not for publication” Kincaid said, “I can tell you that the object seen by the witnesses in San Leon was most likely a reflection of swamp gases caused by decaying vegetation in the nearby bayou.”
The UFO/Roswell community is astir about what happened in San Leon on September 24th, and they are clearly not buying the meteor theory.  “What did they remove from the site?  Why did they do so?” asks Leon Baine, author of a book called “One Thousand Tomorrows” – a book about the government policy toward UFOs that was framed during the Eisenhower years.  Baine says that the government still uses the “deny and attack” policy adopted over 50 years ago.  “They deny everything, and attack the witnesses. It‘s the official policy” he stated.
As we go to press, another small group of civilian researchers has arrived in San Leon, where they are interviewing all of the witnesses and photographing the site of the crash.

ALMOST FORGOTTEN: This is not the first time San Leon has made the news regarding possible UFO activity. This snapshot was taken in 1968 by a San Leon resident, the late Henry Janner. Janner reported sighting this unidentified flying object near his business, Captain Henry’s on Bayshore Drive, on August 2, 1968. Janner’s photograph was first published in the August 5, 1968 edition of the Houston Tribune. According to the caption published with the photo, a group of approximately 30 people also claimed they saw the object.

Dying To Get Into Jail, Old Man Knocks Off Bank for $1.00
James Verone had $16 in his pocket when he left home one morning a few weeks ago.
He cleaned up and put on his nicest shirt, then called a taxi.
Along the way, he stopped to mail a letter to the newspaper, then went on to the local bank, where he apologetically and politely robbed them of one dollar.
Then he sat down and waited for the cops.
At the age of 59, James Verone had found himself unemployed after layoffs eliminated his job as a delivery driver. He also lost his health insurance.
James looked for work, but no one wants to hire guys his age, and eventually, his unemployment benefits ran out.
He found a part-time job as a clerk in a small convenience store, but found it impossible to get by on $145 a week take-home pay.
For awhile, he lived off his savings and the remnants of his 401k Plan. Then he started to have health problems.
Arthritis, foot troubles, and back problems finally resulted in Verone applying for Social Security Disability, but he was denied.
Then, on top of his other illnesses, he discovered a painful lump growing on his chest.
He tried to get medical treatment, but the emergency rooms only referred him to doctors who insisted on being paid, money Verone simply didn’t have.
Believing that he had cancer, suffering from intense pain, and unable to find any medical help, James Verone carefully weighed his options. He first considered committing suicide, but decided that would create a burden on the few family members he had left – folks not much better off than himself. Then he had another idea: commit a crime and get set up with a place to stay, food and doctors.
So it was that James Verone decided to become a criminal. He had never before been in any trouble with the law.
Now he hoped to be booked as a felon and held in prison where he could be treated for his physical afflictions.
Verone didn’t want to scare anyone. He executed the robbery the most passive way he knew how. He handed the teller a polite note demanding one dollar. He calmly told her he would sit in the visitors area and wait for the police. When they arrived, he went along with them quietly and peacefully.
Verone says he’s not a political man. But he has a lot to say on the subject of medical care. “If you don’t have your health you don’t have anything,” said Verone.

James had high hopes for his incarceration.
The ideal scenario would include back and foot surgery and a diagnosis and treatment of the protrusion on his chest.
Verone expected to be charged with bank robbery. He would serve a few years in prison and get out in time to collect Social Security and move to the beach.
But it wasn’t to be. Because he only demanded $1, he was charged with larceny from a person. The count doesn’t carry as much jail time as bank robbery.
The bearded, gray-haired man plans to represent himself in court. He wants to prepare a statement for the judge and then take whatever active sentence he is given.
Verone is considering an ultimatum if the penalty isn’t great enough, he said.
The crime will happen again.
Since Verone’s arrest, his $100,000 bond has been reduced to $2,000. He doesn’t intend to pay it. His residence is now the county jail.
He has no regrets about the robbery or where it landed him. “I did what I had to in order to stay alive” he said.

A pothead is walking down the street one day and he meets a genie. “Today is your lucky day!” said the genie. “I’m going to give you two wishes. What will the first wish be?” The pothead thinks for a moment and then says, “I want a never-ending joint.” So the genie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie lights it up and starts puffing. After three hits the joint is still the same length. Next the genie says, “…And wish number two?” The pothead replies, “This is so cool man! I’ll have another one!”

A blonde and brunette are having tea when suddenly the phone rings. The blonde picks it up and immediately starts crying.
Her brunette friend asks her, “Why are you crying dear?”
Blonde says, “Because my mom just called and said that my father just died.
“I’m so sorry,” says the brunette.
The blonde finally stops crying, when the phone rings again. She picks it up and starts crying all over again.
The brunette asks again what’s wrong, to which the blonde replies, “My brother just called and said that his father died too.”

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, “I love you”.
She asked me, “Is that you or the beer talking”
I said, “It’s me……..I’m talking to the beer”!

3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says “I have got the smallest arm in? the world”
The second guy “I have the smallest head in the world”
The third guy “I have got the smallest dick in the world”
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says “I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world”
The second guy comes back and says “Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world”
The third guy comes back angry ” Who the FUCK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m agonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, “Kin ya swaller?” Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, “Kin ya breathe?” Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, “Ya know, it’s sure amazin’ how that hind-lick maneuver always works.”