Gator Press

On Thursday, June 20th, it was reported that a reporter had died in a fiery crash in Los Angeles. The reporter was Michael Hastings, one of the greatest investigative journalists of modern times.
According to news reports, Hastings was speeding down a side street, ran a red light, and crashed head-on into a tree.  The late-model Mercedes he was driving exploded, according to witnesses who heard the blast, then came running outside to find the vehicle engulfed in a huge fireball.
There were no skid marks found at the accident scene.
That’s the news we got here in the USA, from all of the major networks and newspapers.
But that is not the story that is being told in other places around the globe. An intelligence report circulating in Moscow reportedly claims that the award-winning journalist was assassinated by a drone strike while he was desperately attempting to reach what he believed would be a safe haven at the Israeli Consulate in Los Angeles.  Eyewitness accounts report not one, but two speeding cars, leading to speculation that Hastings was being pursued by another vehicle.
Hastings was instrumental in destroying the careers of two of Americas top war leaders, Generals Stanley McChrystal and David Petraeus, along with earning the ire of former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, whose top aide, Philippe Reines, told Hastings last September to “Fuck off” and “Have a good life” after being questioned about Clinton’s role in what is referred to as the Benghazi Attack which killed 4 Americans in Libya including US Ambassador J. Christopher Stevens.  Hastings 2010 Rolling Stone article “The Runaway General” is credited with being the impetus behind the downfall of General McChrystal, and his 2012 BuzzFeed News Service article “The Sins Of General David Petraeus” likewise helped in the savaging of General Petraeus, whom Hastings said had “seduced America and should never have been trusted by the American people.”
The Russian report says that Hastings was pursued by the drone, and that a Russian satellite tracked the drone from the time it lifted off at Camp Pendleton.  The report identifies the drone type as an unmanned Shadowhawk, manufactured by Vanguard for the US Navy.
Many residents of the neighborhood where the incident occurred were awakened by an explosion and have provided testimony which conflicts with the official story.  Although the media reported that Hastings’ vehicle was destroyed after it slammed into a palm tree, eyewitnesses and photos taken at the scene clearly indicate otherwise.
Photographs of the crash scene reveal that the car Hastings was in did not experience a high-speed crash. There was no major impact damage to the front of the car. The damage was mostly confined to the rear of the vehicle. The engine was blown out through the front of the car, landing over 100 feet away, which indicates that some type of explosion originated from the rear of the vehicle.
The only possible internal source of such an explosion would have been the gas tank, but there are two problems with that theory: First, gasoline could not under any circumstances have generated an explosion powerful enough to propel the engine such a distance. Second, photos released of the scene clearly show the gas tank lying on the ground near the car, fully intact.
At the time of his death, Hastings was busy investigating the Obama administration’s use of the NSA to spy on Americans telephone and internet communications.  He had reportedly been in contact with former CIA and NSA whistleblower analyst Edward Snowden, whom many consider the “most wanted man in America” for his releasing of top-secret documents detailing Obama’s growing police state and widespread use of warrantless wiretapping.
The significance of Hastings contact with Snowden lies in Obama’s being able to assassinate any American he so chooses without charges or trial, an authority which was in March confirmed by US Attorney General Eric Holder, who in a letter to the US Congress stated: “President Barack Obama has the legal authority to unleash deadly force – such as drone strikes – against Americans on U.S. soil without first putting them on trial.”
Only hours before his death, Hastings told attorney Jennifer Robinson that he was concerned that the FBI was investigating him and following him.  After the crash, the Los Angeles FBI office released a statement claiming that Hastings had not been under investigation.  This was quickly proven false when the Los Angeles County Medical Examiner announced that Hastings charred body had been identified using fingerprints supplied by the FBI.  Why would the FBI have the fingerprints of a man with no criminal record, unless he was the subject of an investigation?
Given the NSA leaks and the widespread surveillance of FOX News and the Associated Press, it would be surprising if Hastings’ regular coverage of the sleaze and criminality that suffuses American politics had not brought him under investigation and subject to regular surveillance.
Beginning with his coverage of the 2008 presidential primaries, Hastings earned a reputation for stepping on powerful toes. His article on that campaign for GQ called former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani a “maniac” who would “casually invoke violence and warfare.” Similarly, McCain’s campaign was based on the belief “that they can lie to our faces and we’ll swallow it.” Hillary’s campaign meanwhile employed “cunning racism,” according to Hastings.
The piece that he was most famous for was his 2010 profile of General McChrystal, who was then commander of NATO forces in Afghanistan. The article revealed the derision among top military officers toward the Obama administration which provided a catalyst for the shift of top command, in which McChrystal was replaced by General David Petraeus. General Petraeus then oversaw the intensification and widespread expansion of drone bombings in Afghanistan.
Hastings reported receiving death threats on a number of occasions, specifically mentioning that a staffer of General McChrystal had told him “We will hunt you down and kill you if we don‘t like what you write” during the time he was working on that story.
In an April 2012 article in Rolling Stone “The Rise of the Killer Drones,” Hastings reviewed the use of drones as a tool of extrajudicial assassination. In the article he notes the casual destruction of evidence, and reports that the majority of strikes are not based on targeting “known terrorists” but simply bombing anonymous people engaged in “suspicious behavior.”
One of his most recent articles dealt with a former CIA station chief in Algeria. “The Spy Who Cracked Up in the Cold” described the career of Andrew Warren who joined the CIA in 1997 and became deeply involved in torture in various countries across the Middle East and North Africa. Despite suffering from significant alcohol and drug abuse problems, Warren was appointed station chief in Algeria. He was removed two years later, based on charges of sexual assault.
His last article on BuzzFeed, “Why Democrats Love to Spy On Americans,” published on June 7, noted that the revelations of Glenn Greenwald and NSA whistleblower Snowden had exposed the party as an unscrupulous “gang of civil liberty opportunists” operating without principle.
At the time of his death, Hastings was also working on a story about Jill Kelley’s lawsuit against the FBI and Department of Defense. Kelley claims that those organizations leaked her identity as part of General Petraeus’ resignation as director of the CIA last year.
Those who would have a motive for killing Michael Hastings are confined to the government of the United States. He had no other enemies. Within the government, he was hated and feared by Republicans and Democrats alike, because he exposed the truth, wherever it led him.
Thomas Jefferson once said; “Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers, or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate for a moment to prefer the latter.” Jefferson understood the role of the press in keeping our government honest. He knew that only a free press could prevent our government from eventually becoming abusive.
Michael Hastings was murdered while supporting that principle.  Now that you know, that’s one more person they will have to kill someday in a similar fashion.

GATOR

Some time during the next 30 years, there will probably be some type of local mass-transit that runs on electricity, much like trolley cars and streetcars did sixty years ago.  It will cost hundreds of millions of dollars to build.  When this system is finally in place, we will be exactly where we once were, with little to show for over 100 years of “progress” in transportation.
The blame rightfully belongs to those bankrupt geniuses at General Motors.
In the 1950s, there were electric trolley operations in Galveston, Houston, Baytown, Pasadena, South Houston, and many smaller towns in the vicinity.  The same was true in all of the populated areas of the United States.  All cities and even most small towns had electric streetcars.
You could hop on a trolley car for a nickel and ride nearly anywhere in town. The cars of that era were wonderful even by today’s standards. They didn’t pollute the air. They were comfortable, attractive, roomy, reliable, and safe.
There were between 1,200 on 1,500 such systems operating in the United States.
So, where did they go?  Did people just stop riding them because cars and gas were so cheap?
Did they become not economically viable for some reason? Were they costing more than they were worth?  Did they fall to the budget axes?
No. Streetcar systems were popular and economical in every city where they existed, right up to their last day of service.  The people who relied on them never wanted to see them go. But there were those who wanted to see the end of the trolley, and who were willing to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to see it happen.
Starting in the 1920s, General Motors and others hatched a scheme to replace rail transportation with road transportation.  The key players included Firestone, Shell, Mack Trucks, and other large corporations who had a vested interest in seeing rail traffic moved to highways.
City by city, they used straw corporations to buy up local trolley systems. The largest of these was a newly-formed company called National City Lines, which bought the streetcar lines in over 80 cities.  National City was directly funded and financed by GM and their partners.
National City Lines would buy a streetcar line, then start dismantling it, replacing the trolleys with buses, Of course those buses were General Motors buses, with Firestone tires on them.  They filled up with Shell gasoline.  In some cities, where the lines could not be bought, GM simply bought off local politicians by giving them new Cadillacs in exchange for supporting a switch to bus service.  In other instances, the company paid analysts and “experts” to publicly encourage the switch to gas power as a more efficient way to move people and freight. It never was.
The scheme was hatched in the early 1920s in Detroit. In 1921, General Motors lost a whopping $65 million – about $1 billion in today‘s money.  The company was on the brink of complete ruin.  The financial gurus at GM advised that the automobile market was saturated.  Everyone who wanted or needed a car already had one. In those days, only one person in ten owned a car, and most people – over 90% – traveled by rail,  In fact, local rail service was the primary competition for General Motors and the auto industry as a whole.  If rail transportation could somehow be made to disappear, people would be forced to either buy a car or ride a bus.
The following year, GM mastermind Alfred P Sloane Jr. formed a special group at General Motors for the express purpose of  replacing railways with cars, trucks, and buses.
General Motors used a variety of measures, including freight leverage. GM, for decades, was the nation’s largest shipper of freight over railroads. By wielding freight traffic as a club, GM was able to persuade railroads to abandon their electric rail subsidiaries. Among these was the Southern Pacific Railroad, owner of Los Angeles’ Pacific Electric, the world’s largest trolley operator, with 1,500 miles of track in southern California. Back then, you could live well in Los Angeles without a car. The streetcars went everywhere. Another victim was the New York Central Railroad, owner of the New York State Railways, 600 miles of street railways and interurban lines in upstate New York. Another was the New Haven Railroad, owner of 1,500 miles of trolley lines in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts.  All were coerced into converting their passenger lines over to buses.  This was before air conditioning, and those buses were cramped, hot, and smelly contraptions that often broke down.  The trolleys were open-air vehicles, and quite roomy. For the passengers, it was a giant step backwards.
As the largest depositor in the nation’s leading banks, GM also used financial leverage over the electric railways, which relied heavily on those banks to supply their capital needs. According to U.S. Department of Justice documents, officials of GM visited the banks used by railways in Houston, Galveston, Philadelphia, Dallas, Kansas City and other locations, and, by offering them millions in additional deposits, persuaded their rail clients to convert to motor vehicles.
Where these measures failed, GM formed holding companies to buy up and motorize the railways directly. Thus, it helped create, organize, and finance United Cities Motor Transit as a wholly owned GM subsidiary, as well as Greyhound, Rex Finance, Omnibus Corporation, National City Lines, Pacific City Lines, American City Lines, City Coach Lines, Manning Transportation and numerous other concerns, which acquired rail systems across the country, including those in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, St. Louis, Salt Lake City, Sacramento, San Diego and Oakland.
With officials of Greyhound and National City, it helped acquire and dismantle the $50 million North Shore Line, the fastest electric service in the world, providing Wisconsin’s lakeshore cities and Chicago’s northern suburbs with high-speed access to the downtown loop. Working with a pack of notorious gangsters, General Motors helped purchase and scrap the excellent system of street railways serving Minneapolis-St. Paul.
And where rail systems were publicly owned and could not be bought, like the municipal railway of St. Petersburg, Florida, GM bribed their officials instead, according to FBI files.
GM admitted, in court documents, that by the mid-1950s, its agents had canvassed more than 1,000 electric railways and that, of these, they had motorized 90 percent, more than 900 systems.
Since this conspiracy destroyed a very efficient and beneficial industry, there was antitrust action taken – but all that came of the proceedings were fines of $5,000 for each company involved and a fine of $1 for the treasurer of GM, who oversaw much of National City Lines’ operations.
So now you know why you have to sit in gridlocked traffic on the freeway, Now you know why an efficient and economical public service was done away with and replaced with a less-efficient form of transportation.  Now you know why those poor bastards in New York City have to chase down taxicabs to go anywhere. And now you know why we have to go back to square one and start over at the same place we were 65 years ago to fix our public transportation.
All because some greedy motherfuckers decided that what was good for America was NOT good for General Motors.  It ranks as one of the most Machiavellian plots in the long and sordid history of corporate America.  And it’s going to cost billions just to get back to where we were.
Now that you know the truth, that’s one more person they’ll someday have to kill…           GATOR

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was worried that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What the hell are you doing?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” The cop says, “Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he asks, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?” She replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”
“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker!” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your hootie?”
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
“Grandpa, can I have a beer?” Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no. Grandpa said “Then you’re not man enough to have a beer.”
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, “Then your not man enough to have a cigar.” A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?”
The boy asked “Can your dick touch your ass?”
Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!”
The boy replied, “Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me!”

Kemah Collector Obtains Historic Pair Of Pants
A pair of pants once owned by a nephew of Howard Hughes has been purchased on eBay by a Kemah collector.
Fred Elliman has one of the largest trouser collections in the greater Houston area, including a pair of Bermuda shorts worn by Rodney Dangerfield, and a pair of yellow spandex bicycle shorts that once belonged to John Travolta.
The Hughes pants reportedly had been owned by Rodney Hughes, a distant relative of the legendary recluse who died in 1977.
They are size 38 x 31 gray flannel, made by Wolf Brothers of Miami, Florida.
The winning bid was $67.00 including shipping. “It’s a bargain” Elliman said, noting that similar items can go as high as $2,500 and more. “I’m looking forward to displaying them, once they‘ve been cleaned.”
The pants may have sold for a lower price because they are somewhat soiled, with what appears to be rather large “skid marks.”

Son Sues His Own Momma Over Lotto Winnings
A League City woman who won $3 million in the lottery last year is being sued in Superior Court by her son, who claims he is entitled to some of her winnings.
Jeannie Rabble, 53, was working as a part-time pet nanny last September when she found out that she had picked the winning numbers in the state lotto.
Mrs. Rabble did not move out of her trailer or buy a new car with the winnings.  According to court papers filed by the plaintiff in the lawsuit, she bought a diamond encrusted gold crack pipe and started smoking the drug all day and night.  She even neglected buying groceries and stopped doing laundry.
Luther Rabble, Jeannie’s 22 year-old son, says that he tried to help his mother manage her money, but quit after she hit him with an aluminum baseball bat and threatened him with a shotgun.
In the lawsuit, Luther seeks to be compensated for the work he did in trying to get her affairs in order.  He is also asking the court to declare Jeannie Rabble incompetent, and make him the trustee of her money.
In a telephone interview, Jeannie denies most of what her son says in the lawsuit.  She claims the device referred to as a crack pipe is actually an incense burner, and that her son is simply trying to steal her money. “I did nail that little bastard with a ball-bat, that part is true” she said.
The case will be heard in the fall.

Helium-Filled Bounce House Shot Down By Air Force Drone
Kirby Burby thought he had a great idea for his daughter’s 11th birthday party in Alvin last month: Rent a bounce house, then fill it with helium instead of plain old air.
“I figured it might try to float off, so I tied it down to some yard furniture and filled it up.” he said afterwards, “Then it took off, chairs and all, straight up into the sky.”
Luckily, no one was inside when the liftoff occurred.  The floating collection of objects was detected about 30 minutes later by the radars located at Ellington Field, and a drone was scrambled to identify the object.
Lieutenant Ken Fogelman operated the MQ-1B Predator drone which was launched to intercept and identify.
“As soon ad I got a good look at it on the screen, I knew exactly what it was,” Fogelman said, “and since it presented a navigation hazard, I blasted the shit out of it.”
The rental agency has charged Burby $4,000 in replacement costs, and he may also receive a fine up to $25,000 from the FAA.

Why is it so hard to adopt a dog from the dog pound?  I can buy a dog on Craigslist or at a pet store, and take him home right away. But when you try to adopt a pet at the pound, they are so careful about who is allowed to adopt that I am sure many people just give up and find their animals elsewhere.
I recently adopted a nice little doggle from the Humane Society in Galveston.  They were wonderful people and very helpful, but it was still a complicated procedure.  I even had to have a police officer visit my home to look around and make sure it would be a safe and proper environment for little Pookey to crap on.  The whole process took over a week.
Yeah, I know that there are some people who would adopt a pet, then mistreat it.  Nobody wants that to happen. But even with all of their caution, it will still happen sometimes.
The kind of people who make bad pet parents might not be able to get a stamp of approval from the Humane Society or the SPCA, but they will nevertheless get the pets they want, one way or another. They will buy them from dealers and private sellers. Heck, they will even steal them.
It’s normal to spend over $50 to adopt a cat from the pound. They are as careful about cats as they are about dogs.  If you can’t convince them that you are going to be a good Cat Daddy, they will not let you take one home.
Meanwhile, there are free kittens available everywhere, and nobody wants to know how many square feet of carpet that cat will have to sharpen his claws on.
You might remember Whiskerville Animal Sanctuary, the private shelter in Texas City where the animals were neglected, and a court case finally resulted in an Animal Cruelty conviction against Mrs. Wydell Dixon.
Although she was vilified in the press, Mrs. Dixon was (and is) an animal lover who spent her life savings creating a sanctuary for cats.
Unfortunately, she ran out of money and couldn’t maintain the population of animals which accumulated there. As things went from bad to worse, she couldn’t bring herself to close up and turn the cats over to another agency where some of the cats might be “put to sleep” so she tried to keep things going the best she could. Catastrophic failure was the end result.
But even when things were at their very worst, it was never easy to adopt at Whiskerville.
It ought to be very simple to adopt a cat.
If you can fog a mirror and show ID, they ought to shake your hand and congratulate you quickly, before you change your mind.
If you’re broke, they ought to let you take him free, just to get him off taxpayer support.
There is no demand for cats.  In many places they outnumber the human population.  In San Leon, there are eight cats for every person.  Cats who are homeless are referred to as “feral” cats. Most of them started off with a pink ribbon around their necks as a gift to some little brat who whined “Momma I wont a kitty!” As soon as they were big enough to piss on everything and claw up some priceless antiques, they were taken for a ride.
It ought to be easy to adopt a dog. ID and proof of address should be enough.
I realize that this would cause a few cases of animal abuse from time to time.  But isn’t that already the case?  Overall, more pets would find loving homes.
The thing that pissed me off at the pound was how many pit bulls and pit bull mixes are there.  This is because of all the morons who get a pit bull to authenticate their status as uneducated rednecks, then get evicted from the trailer park and “dump” their dog on the side of the road somewhere.
There are lots of jackasses out there who get pits bulls and intentionally train them from puppies to be mean and aggressive.
These dogs end up at the Humane Society or SPCA, where an occasional inbred fuckjob with a swastika tattoo will show up and ask if any pit bulls are available for adoption…
Hey, on second thought, maybe they should screen people who want to adopt.

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs
up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to
make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back,
“We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young
girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were
out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once
because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
“And so, here we are!”

There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.
So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.
The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his chest in Vaseline. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
“The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to grow some hair”
“You idiot,” said his partner, “Think about it. If that were true you’d have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now.”

Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!
Harry: You save the mother, I’ll save the baby!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”

Giant Ring Of Marijuana Smoke Discovered In Space
NASA astronomers have something new to look upon in the night sky, courtesy of marijuana smokers from around the world.
Sky-watchers have spotted a faint ring of gray marijuana smoke orbiting our planet.
The ring extends about half way to the moon and can only be seen through a telescope at this time.
NASA Public Affairs spokesperson Kimberly Burke issued a statement which read in part::
“We know the gas giant planets–Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune all have rings. Now our own planet has a small ring too.”
NASA scientists performed mass spectrographs on the ring and made the astonishing discovery during March.
“When someone exhales a puff of marijuana smoke, the smoke just keeps going up in the sky – apparently all the way to outer space” said Dr. Harold Druller of the Johnson Space Center’s research staff.
Astronomers believe the ring is growing every day and it will soon be visible without a telescope.

Illegal Aliens Caught Crossing Border Using Circus Cannon
In an item that qualifies for the Just When You Thought You’d Heard It All Department comes some astounding news from the city country music singer Marty Robbins sang about in his hit “El Paso.”
A member of the United States Border Patrol has informed Gator Press that he recently discovered a brand new method by which illegal aliens are entering into the U.S.
The agent said that  while he was patrolling an area down by the Rio Grande, the river that separates Texas from Mexico, he spotted a long, bright shiny object. As he looked through his binoculars he noticed that the object appeared to be a cannon, like the ones used by circus performers.
The agent said that as he sat and surveyed the situation intently, the cannon suddenly resonated with a loud boom and he actually saw a man, who appeared to be about 5-foot-2-inches tall, shoot out of the cannon and fly over the river onto the U.S. side.
The agent quickly followed the human cannonball and saw him as he hurried to get out of a huge mobile safety net that had been set up among some bushes on the US side.
The officer tried to follow him but the human cannonball jumped on the back of a waiting Harley Davidson which drove off at a high rate of speed toward New Mexico.
Officials from Mexico’s Bureau of Border Relations were asked by U.S. Immigration officials to investigate the huge cannon.
They reported that they thoroughly searched the area, and could not locate the so called circus cannon anywhere.

New Study Reveals That New Studies Are Overrated
A recent study conducted at the University of Texas has concluded that studies are really not that informative and that those who study studies, though studious, studied too much.
Speaking from his study, Professor Jason Barlow, who studied studies while a student at  East Texas Truckers Academy said:
“Studying studies, especially new studies is stupendous however, to be honest, after a few days another study, a newer study, replaces the former study, thus making the original new study no longer new; just a study.
“I confirm and concur that this new study that studied new studies is correct, however, since this article was written and subsequently published, that new study is no longer new and has undoubtedly been replaced by a newer more up to date study.”

It pisses me off when I hear someone whining about how wrong it is about gay people getting married, and the term “the sanctity of marriage” is used.
Yes, we can’t let homosexuals get married. But in all fifty states, it is legal for a murderer or a child molester to get married. Any fucked up crackhead can get married. Any variety of low life piece of shit can get hitched. But not if they’re gay, because we must protect the “sanctity” of this institution.
What in fuck is wrong with people? If this is an issue of sanctity, how about we first stop serial killers and baby rapers from getting married?
It pisses me off when I am invited to attend a seminar.  I jumped out of the rat race years ago, because I didn’t want to attend meetings with dickheads wearing suits. Now you want me to pay to get into some banquet room at a motel and listen to some bullshit spiel about the latest multi-level fuckjob scam?
I don’t care to hear about “wealth building” schemes or other methods devised to get my money out of my pockets.
Sadly, it is always a friend or relative who invites me to attend one of these scamfests.
One of the rules I live by: I refuse to attend any seminar, at any hotel, at any time.

It pisses me off when I see some clown wearing a giant belt buckle, I like to go up and ask incredulously… “Excuse me Sir, Which wrestling federation are you the champion of?”

It pisses me off when I hear some cat-lover talking about how much better cats are than dogs. Cat owners may disagree, and cite all kinds of “evidence” that cats are actually smarter because of their instinctive talents despite a stubborn resistance to training, but if a human child can’t be trained, we call him “learning disabled.” We don’t say that he’s too aristocratic to accept instruction. Cat lovers, show me some seeing-eye guide cats, and then I’ll be impressed. Until then, dogs rule.
Besides, cats tend to carry toxoplasma gondii, and I’ve already got enough things to worry about without mind-altering parasites.

It pisses me off when… A grown man starts talking about the “men’s rights” movement. Traditionally men have been protectors and benefactors of the rest of society. Like the men who stayed behind on the Titanic, we know this sometimes means we will get the short end of the stick. In fact, some of us are proud of it. It is a notion called chivalry.
Today, what we have are millions of men  who think the biggest problem with society is the loss of the white Christian male power structure. They are threatened by Muslims, feminists, blacks, atheists, gays, and any other group that threatens this supremacy. Listen up sissy boys: A feminist, Mexican, or atheist can’t stop you from being a man. Only you can do that by whining about it. Stop crying, you pussies!

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife with a puzzled look: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. I’ll be damned, you’re right, you know.”

After a long night buying a hot chick drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap…
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer.”, she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

A blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
After he had explained this to her he said: “There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle”?
She said, “Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it”?
The Doctor said, “Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve”?
She said, “I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to do it”.

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date.
He decides to go over and put the move on her.
‘I think you’re wasting your time, I’m only interested in women’ said the woman.
‘Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind’ said the guy. After ten minutes of the guy pestering her, she finally had enough.
‘OK’ said the woman ‘I’ll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can’t!’
‘OK, bartender get this lady a drink’ he said. ‘let’s see your vibrator do that?’

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you get lost kid? I’m trying to take a shit!”

A young woman in the sleazy part of old Galveston was so  depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the  harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into  the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of  the pier. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to  live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl nodded yes.  After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would  give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and  hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her a sandwich and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until  dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she  was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “I’ve got an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained.  “I get food and a free trip to Europe , and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure the hell  is,” the captain said. “This is the Bolivar  Ferry…”