Okay Mister Tough Guy, you roared up on your very noisy Harley and walked into the bar wearing full regalia, including a pair of jackboots Klaus Barbie would have coveted and a pair of dark “fuck off” sunglasses. You stormed up like a manly man and slammed your hairy fist on the bar and loudly named your poison: Jack and Coke.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. I’m a faithful disciple of Jack Daniels, and my fridge always has a shitload of Coca Cola, and I can see where sometimes the two might end up being mixed into a drink – by a chick or by my effeminate nephew Kirby. But why would a real he-man like yourself water down his manly-man drink with coke?
Is the whiskey too strong for you? If so, maybe you ought to go back to something that won’t upset your tummy, like milk for Christ sakes. If you’re going to drink the real shit, drink it straight like a man. If you must have the soda pop, get it on the side in a separate glass as a chaser. Sip the whiskey and, after savoring the warm glow for a bit, chase the aftertaste down. Repeat as often as necessary. That’s acceptable. It would be better of course to leave the kiddie drinks out of the equation and get a beer chaser, or no chaser at all.
If you’re mainly just trying to impress people with what a badass you are, that’s the way to go. And don’t spout off with that bullshit about how you really like the taste of Jack and Coke together. I bet I could switch the bourbon out for some Evan Williams and you wouldn’t guess it in a million years. If you were drinking your hooch straight, the way God intended, you’d know the difference before you even tasted it.
If you’re going to have a cocktail, use a cocktail liquor like rum, gin, or vodka. Nobody thinks you’re a tough guy when they see you watering down good whiskey with carbonated kool-aid. It makes you look like a jackass. As cowboys say, you’re “all hat & no cattle.”
The above applies to all top shelf whiskeys. Make mine straight.
The Occasional Idiot:
In America, everyone is free to be whatever kind of idiot they want. This gives us a panorama of imbecility; a smorgasbord of stupidity unmatched in most of the world. Since morons come in so many flavors, it might be helpful if there was a list of things to help you identify an idiot. If there were such a list, these would be some of my contributions:
~ If you’re sitting at the bar, and a chick says that she’s looking for a man who can just be honest, and “be himself” (whatever in the fuck THAT means) – and you notice that she’s wearing false fingernails, eyelashes, hair, and boobs – she is probably an idiot.
~ The guy who tipped the stripper $100 and thought he would be getting lucky is an idiot.
~ The guy on the crotch-rocket who just drove past doing 100 mph is an idiot.
~ The chick who bitches about how slow the service is, then takes five minutes to decide what she’s drinking is an idiot.
~ The person who gets up in a club to sing karaoke and sings Amazing Grace is an idiot.
~ If you know someone who has a job that requires him to work for a couple of hours in the morning, then go home, then come back the same day to work a couple more hours – that person is an idiot. Unless he’s getting paid $100+ an hour – in which case he is a politician, which is to say, he’s still an idiot.
~ The dude at the convenience store holding up the whole line while he buys scratch & sniff lottery tickets is an idiot.
~ The lady dressed as a man dressed as a woman is not an idiot, she’s just stone crazy. However, the guy dating her is an idiot.
~ The drunk chick yelling at mister Police Officer is an idiot.
~ Often enough, the drummer is an idiot.
~ And most of all, that guy across the bar – who won’t stop running his mouth and talking shit – he is an idiot.
