The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?” Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said he could be bought for 50 bucks. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird saw him and said, “New Madam, New whores. Same old customers!”
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks “You guys don‘t have a penis? How do you guys have sex?” The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!
So two crackheads have been charged with possession. The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming drug users. They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they’ve gotten off drugs. The first guy says, “Twenty-four!” “Amazing,” says the judge! How’d you do it?” “Simple,” says the crackhead. “I just show them: ‘O’ – This is your brain; ‘o’ – this is your brain on drugs.” “Impressive,” says the judge. Turning to the second crackhead, he says, “And how did you do?” “Your honor, I saved 102 people from the bonds of the evil crack.” “And how did you manage that?” “Kind of the same as the other guy, ‘except I told people: ‘o’ – this is your asshole; ‘O’ – THIS is your asshole in prison.”
There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”
