A group of deer hunters were in their camp when they realized that they were running low on provisions.
The group appointed Joe to get supplies.
Joe went into the store and bought 10 bottles of whiskey, 12 cases of beer and 2 packages of hot dogs.
When he returned to the camp the group looked in his truck and they asked, “Damn it Joe, what in the world are we gonna do with all them damn hotdogs?”
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Tom, just what is it that you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”
Tom responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness –and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you had stayed single.”
Al and Ed are out hunting deer. Al says, “Did you see that?”
“No,” said Ed.
“Well, a beautiful bald eagle just flew overhead,”.
“Oh,” said Ed.
A couple of minutes later, Al says, “Did you see that?”
“See what?” Ed asks.
“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.”
“Oh.”
A few minutes later the Al says: “Did you see that?”
By now, Ed is getting angry, so he says, “Yes, I did!”
And Al says: “Then why did you step in it?”
A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, ‘How did I get here?’
Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’
‘Did God send you, too?’ asked the child.
‘Yes, Dear,’ the mother replied.
‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted.
‘He sent them also,’ the mother said.
‘Did he send their parents, too?’ asked the child.
‘Yes, Dear, He did,’ said the mother patiently.
‘So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so grouchy around here!’
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him: “Johnny, how many times have you ever seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things – Condoms and Dramamine – for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stopped at the store on the way to the cruise, and the man went in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.
The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked him, “If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?”
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,”t-g-i-f”
He smiled at her and replied, “s-h-i-t”
She looked puzzled, and repeated, “t-g-i-f”.
More slowly he answered, “s-h-i-t”
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so,she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, “t-g-i-f”
The man smiled back to her and once again “s-h-i-t”.
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what “t-g-i-f,
Thank God It`s Friday”, get it duuhhh?
The man answered patiently “s-h-i-t, Sorry Honey It`s Thursday.”
These two rednecks were hunting one day and all of a sudden one of them keels over, out like a light.
The other redneck, not knowing what to do quickly calls 911.
When the operator asks “what’s wrong?”, He says “I don’t know we were just walking along and Bubba just falls over.
The operator asks “Is he dead?” and the redneck says “I don’t know that either”.
The operator says “well you need to make sure!”
The redneck says okay and lays the phone down.
A few seconds pass and then the operator hears “cha click, boom!”
The redneck comes back on the line and asks “Okay, he’s dead, now What?”
How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff!
