Financial Advisers:
When you are approached by or introduced to a Financial Adviser, you should be aware of several important facts: First of all, he (or she) is probably NOT a “real” financial adviser. Most likely he is an life insurance salesman with an investment gimmick attached to his policies. Which is bad, because investing is taking a financial risk, and insurance is the opposite – it eliminates financial risk. So, when you combine the two, it becomes a zero-sum game, and you lose. But the salesman gets to put his hands into both of your pockets at once! He wins every time.
But even if you have a “legitimate” financial adviser, one without an insurance license, you are still going to get screwed. Remember, these guys aren’t paid to grow your money. They don’t get a cut of your gains or share in your losses. They get a flat rate, a percentage of whatever they can get you to spend.
That’s why they are always saying now is a good time to buy stocks. Whenever the market goes down, they say “Get in there and pick up some bargains” and when the market is up, they say “Blue sky, don’t miss the ride!”
These fuckers also profited from Enron and other debacles, but they never had to disgorge any of the billions they milked out of the middle class through their financial advising.
If you’re crazy enough to buy stocks, you don’t need some dickhead who didn’t see the sky falling last time around, and won’t see it next time either. This is an occupation comprised mostly of greedy scoundrels, with any exceptions being very few and far between.
The guy who donated a porno collection to the Goodwill Store:
A local Goodwill received a donation of a porn collection (over 100 DVDs), with a note enclosed that said “Due to my new religious beliefs, I cannot keep these, but they are quite valuable. Hopefully you can sell them for a lot of money to help your group.”
Wow, thanks a lot. These will be a big hit in the retail shop. Such a large selection, everything from granny porn to bondage.
What were you thinking? If your religious beliefs won’t let YOU keep them, why in the figgldy fuck would you want someone ELSE to burn in HELL for all eternity?
Besides, you stupid ignorant fucknut, the Goodwill store threw them in the trash, so now no one will be able to enjoy them, even those whose religious views allow them to enjoy adult entertainment. What a waste.
Landlocked relatives:
Every time there’s the slightest chance that a hurricane might come within a thousand miles of here, I start getting calls and text messages from kinfolks who live north of I-10 as far away as Iowa..
“You better evacuate early, so you won’t get caught up in the traffic mess”
“Y’all are crazy to stay there with a storm coming. You must got a death wish.”
“UR CR8ZY. U SHD LV” (via text)
Hey, I’ve been here for fifty fucking years.
I know all about hurricanes.
I am the Dos Equis Man, the Captain Morgan, of Hurricanes. I know when to hold and when to fold. There might come a time when I say, hmmm, time to haul ass away from the Gulf for a few days. But if and when that time comes, I’ll know. I won’t need a farmer in a corn field to clue me in!
People who hate people who hate cats:
It is a God given right to hate cats. Or bugs, snakes, spiders, rats, worms, or the color green. But if you hate cats, there are mean people who hate YOU out there.
There’s no politically correct way to hate cats. You can tell about the diseases they carry, the native bird populations they decimate, the vandalism they commit, and the deaths of newborn babies attributed to them, and the goddam pawprints they put all over your car. It does not matter. If you hate cats, you are hated by those who hate cat haters. And there‘s a lot of ‘em.
Illiterate bastards:
which clearly does not include you, since you’ve made it this far.
