A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you want to break down and cry!”
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just there for decoration!”
How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again until we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”
The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”
Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”
“Hmm,” says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Your nose must be all stopped up. And next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”
A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Man: All right then how about on the last date?
A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked ” Do you know what it is?” Johnny replied “No.” The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Johnny said “Noooo.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.
“JOHNNY, SPIT IT OUT……….IT’S A PIECE OF ASS!”
Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnny: Sure, out in back of the church yard.
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken
Q. What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They’re both empty from the neck up.
