Category Archives: Local

A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later on the girl is yelling, “Cheese, cheese, tomato, tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn’t figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn’t understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, “My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.”

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his “tool” covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it”.
The man looks a little perplexed and says “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc”. The doctor answers “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.
The man screams in horror “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion”.
The doctor replies “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice”.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease”.
The guy says to the doctor “Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs “Stupid American doctors, always want to operate. They make more money that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh Thank God!” the man replies. “Yes” says the Chinese doctor “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money!”

An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair.
Her mom said, “That part where hair has grown is called a monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
Next morning at breakfast she told her sister.
“My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said.
“That’s nothing, mine is already eating banana’s.”

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her “Don’t walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!” Little Red started towards her grandmother’s house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her “Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he’ll suck your tits dry!”
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her “Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood – I’m going to suck your tits dry!!”
“Oh no you don’t”, yells Little Red Riding Hood, as she pulls up her skirt, “You’re going to eat me just like the storybook says!”

So-called Christian Pornography Makes Internet Debut
It was bound to happen sooner or later. So-called “Christian pornography” has appeared on the internet, via websites like the one at www.christianporno.com
A disclaimer on the site explains that there is no Biblical prohibition against pornography, however, Christian pornography should only present sex acts between married couples and only for the purpose of procreation.
The missionary position is preferred.
However, the site does contain a great amount of material documenting sinful types of behavior, such as “Jezebel and her lovers”, “Sodom and Gomorrah” and “David and Bathsheba taking a bath”.
Because these are referenced in the Bible, their depictions are approved for Christian viewing by most clergymen.
“This will be a great resource to God-fearing men everywhere” said Joel Edward Hallinger, a retired Presbyterian janitor who dabbles in amateur sociology. “No more guilt trips for these sexually-repressed insecure guys I call ‘Yuckies’, which stands for Young Urban Christian Know-it-alls.”
Not all evangelicals are comfortable with Christian pornography, however. Some have even associated it with their nemesis, Satan – also called the Prince of Darkness.
“I think the problem is that by allowing this type of behavior, we are legitimizing the kind of exploitation depicted.” according to Pastor Billy Swagger of the Interdenominational House of Pancakes. “Before I can advise my parishioners to visit this site, I will have to examine it carefully, to ensure that nobody else is taking advantage of my sheep.”
The site was founded and is operated by Ken O’Keeno, a former Methbyterian Priest from Frog Pond, Louisiana. O’Keeno considers the site to be his ministry, and only keeps for himself any cash the site generates.

Prisoner Execution at Halftime Show is Big Hit for Cowboys Fans
Marking the Cowboys’ season opener against the Giants in traditional fashion, Dallas fans last month were reportedly treated to a thrilling halftime show that featured the execution of a Texas state prisoner from Death Row.
“That was the best halftime show I’ve seen in years – there was this awesome light show with Toby Keith’s ‘American Ride’ playing while a priest administered the last rites,” said Cowboys fan Bill Maxwell, adding that he especially liked when Cowboys cheerleaders formed the shape of a skull around the stage and performed an elaborate dance routine before the convicted felon was injected with a lethal dose of pentobarbital.
“My favorite part was when he finally went limp and all those fireworks shot up from the top of the stadium. I just wish I were one of those lucky people on the field who got to watch it close-up” Maxwell said.
Delighted fans also told reporters that the halftime execution was far better than any other such event at Texas Stadium, noting that the view of the inmate’s last breath was much better on the venue’s state-of-the-art 72-foot-tall LED jumbotron scoreboard.
The prisoner executed during the football game was 41 year-old Luther Rabble of Pork County. Rabble was convicted of murder for his role in the grisly slaying of 67 year-old ice cream salesman Mickey House. Although Rabble was not the trigger man in the robbery or homicide, he assisted gunman Bug Pence by allowing Pence to bum a cigarette and a light from him in the weeks before the crime.
His last words were reportedly “Oh shit.”

In certain situations, some people are in more danger than others. For example, the guy who shows up at the Gun Show wearing an Obama tee shirt, or the know-it-all Yankee who turns up at redneck barbecue. When the inevitable ass-whoopin occurs, we all sigh and say something like “he shoulda knowed better.”
But, after the past two months of watching shark movies, I have come to the conclusion that there is a serious danger swimming around in the nearby ocean, especially if you are a hot chick wearing a revealing bikini.
Sharks apparently are programmed to attack hot chicks, in particular those who have nice cleavage. Any number of people may be in the water, but the shark will select the hot babe first every time.
There are no shark movies in which the shark opts to attack the overweight girl with acne, the pregnant lady, or someone’s granny. They prefer to go after the sexy chicks.
My advice to hot chicks at the beach is to stay the hell out of the water.
In the absence of a hot chick, sharks usually prefer to eat one of the following:
The resort owner who insists that there is no danger of shark attacks; the brainless football jock; any variety of government official; and of course, the black guy.
I have never seen a shark movie in which the newspaper reporter is eaten by a shark, so I feel pretty safe in the water.
What can you do to reduce the odds of being eaten by a shark?
Here are a few helpful suggestions:
1. Thrash around quite a bit when you’re in the water. This scares away sharks.
2. Swim at night, when the sharks are mostly sleeping in their sea beds.
3. Wear bright colors, as sharks have very sensitive eyesight, and loud color schemes are likely to make them avoid contact.
4. Bring along a few snacks for the sharks. That way, if a shark approaches, you can feed them by hand. They love raw chicken.
5. Swim near children. Any shark who does decide to attack will go after the kid first.
If you are accosted by a shark while you are in the water, stand your ground. You are an American citizen, and as such, deserving of respect by all creatures. You have as much right to be in the water as he does. Do not show any fear, as sharks are able to sense fear.
In the event you are actually attacked by a shark, they can be easily killed and blown to bits by simply cramming a propane tank down their throats, then shooting the tank with a rifle, causing it to detonate. Of course, it is a pain in the ass to carry a rifle and a propane tank in swimming, but this seems to be the safest way to defend yourself.
Shark attacks are on the increase. The shark population has increased dramatically during the past few years, as laws protecting sharks have been passed. These laws, promoted by well-meaning “shark huggers” have made many kinds of shark hunting illegal. This has resulted in an enormous growth in the number of sharks in our local waters.
The economic crisis has driven many of these sharks to seek alternative food sources, and some of them have turned to humans. Shark attacks along the Texas coast this year have set new records, with hundreds of incidents ranging from minor bites to decapitation, which is nearly always fatal. The numbers are probably lower than they should be, since most shark attacks are not reported by victims. Often, victims of shark attacks wrongly feel guilt, believing that the attack may have been partly their fault. For whatever reason, a large number of attacks are never reported.
The City of Galveston has taken some steps to reduce the number of such attacks. A couple of months ago, they instituted paid parking along the Seawall, under the theory that fewer people at the beach would mean fewer shark attacks. So far, the plan seems to be working, with beaches mostly deserted since the plan went into effect, and less than 50 attacks.
Do not think that staying out of the water makes you safe. Based on my own research, tornadoes can apparently suck sharks up, carry them many miles inland, then drop them, where they have often been known to attack humans and livestock on dry land.

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, “Does anyone know what this is?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, my dad has 2 of them!”
And the teacher says, “Are you sure about that?”
And little Johnny says, “Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter’s teeth.”

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
“And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks.
Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn’t have any tampons to use and she was on the rag. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn’t be good.” Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along…no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. “Where the hell have you been?!?” To which Cinderella replies, “I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we fell madly in bed together. His name was Peter Peter…..”

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, “What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay.”
The husband said, “Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
“No!” yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
“For the last time, no!” says the blonde.
Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”
The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!”

A drunk leprechaun was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
“Please God” he implored, “let it be blood!”

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison… .'”

An elderly man in East Texas owned a large farm that happened to have a large pond.   It was just the right size for swimming, so he fixed it up with a picnic table, a dock, and shade trees. One evening the old farmer decided to tale a walk down to the pond and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he approached the pond, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Not wanting to startle the women he made them aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man smiled and said , “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.” as he held up five-gallon pail. “I’m just down here to feed the gator.”

Each of these ten is sufficient on its’ own to disprove the official story of what really occurred on September 11th, 2001. To date, none of these questions has been answered sensibly:

1. Why did our military fail to act?  How was it possible the Pentagon was attacked 1 hour and 20 minutes after the attacks began? Why was there no response from Andrews Air Force Base, just 10 miles away and home to Air National Guard units charged with defending the skies above the capital? How did Hani Hanjour, a man who failed as a Cessna pilot on his first flight in a Boeing, execute a difficult aerobatic maneuver to strike the Pentagon? Why did the attack strike the only side which was empty, thus minimizing casualties?

2. What about the war games? The multiple military war games planned long in advance and held on the morning of September 11th included scenarios of a domestic air crisis, a plane crashing into a government building, and a large-scale emergency in New York. If this was (as we have been told) only a series of coincidences, why did the official investigations avoid the issue? There is evidence that the war games created confusion as to whether the unfolding events were “real world or exercise.” Did the war games serve as the cover for the attacks?

3. Insider trading? Unknown speculators allegedly used foreknowledge of the Sept. 11th events to profiteer on many markets internationally – including but not limited to “put options” placed to short-sell the two airlines, WTC tenants, and WTC insurance companies in Chicago and London. President Bush promised the nation that those who profited from the attacks would be tracked down and face justice. They never were. The official story, that the securities were purchased “anonymously” is ridiculous. Just try to buy a half million dollars in stocks or securities some time, without identifying yourself, and see if it works!

4. The Black Boxes? Airplane black boxes were definitely found at Ground Zero, according to two first responders and an unnamed NTSB official, but they were “disappeared” and their existence is denied in The 9/11 Commission Report. What are they trying to hide?

5. Destroying the evidence? The rapid and illegal removal and scrapping of the WTC ruins at Ground Zero eliminated almost all of the structural steel indispensable to any investigation of the collapse mechanics. After the steel was gone, the official Twin Towers collapse investigation was left with almost no forensic evidence, and thus could only provide dubious computer models of ultimately unproven hypotheses. It failed to even test debris for the possibility of explosives.

6. What were Bush & Cheney hiding? Bush and Cheney pressured Congress into delaying the 9/11 investigation for months. They fought against the creation of an independent investigation for more than a year. Bush initially refused to testify, and finally agreed to appear informally, but only with Vice President Dick Cheney at his side, and not under oath.

7. The alleged masterminds? Khalid Sheikh Mohamed (KSM) and Ramzi Binalshibh, are reported to have been captured in 2002 and 2003, although one Pakistani newspaper said KSM was killed in an attempted capture. They have allegedly been held prisoner at undisclosed locations and their supposed testimonies, as provided in transcript form by the government, form much of the basis for The 9/11 Commission Report (although the Commission’s request to see them in person was denied). After holding them for years, why doesn’t the government produce these men and put them on trial for what they have allegedly admitted to?

8. Phony Phone Calls? The descriptions of the perpetrators, right down to the box cutters, comes from phone calls allegedly made from the planes to people on the ground. Some of these calls lasted as long as 13 minutes. At first, the official story was that numerous cell phone calls were made from the doomed planes. When researchers proved that such calls could not have been made from such heights, the official story was changed to say that passengers had used air-phones aboard the planes to make calls.  Then, American Airlines and United said that the 757 jetliners used in the attacks were not equipped with such phones. The official story has now changed again to only two calls, both on cell phones, both under 5,000 feet, and both lasting only a few seconds. One of the supposed recipients of a 9-11 call was President Bush’s lawyer, Solicitor General Ted Olson. Olson said his wife (CNN reporter Barbara Olson – who died in the attacks) had called him collect, something which could not have been done from a cell or sky-phone. He described two different conversations with her, in which she tells him, “Ted, my plane has been hijacked…“ and goes into great detail about the Arabic-looking hijackers. Olson gave a detailed statement that is apparently provably false. Why would he do such a thing? Why has no one produced a phone bill proving even one of these famous calls actually occurred?

9. Why did THAT building fall down? There were actually three buildings which collapsed on 9-11 at Ground Zero.
We all watched, horrified, as WTC #1 and #2 fell to Earth. But there was another large office building, WTC #7, which also collapsed. This 47-story building was never struck by a plane, although a small fire was reported extinguished on an upper floor, perhaps ignited by debris.  About twenty minutes before WTC #7 collapsed, the BBC Network went live to a reporter in New York who described WTC #7 collapsing, while it still stood in the background. What was behind this amazing feat of clairvoyance?

10. The War Was Already Planned? On the morning of 9-11, 25,000 British troops and the largest British Armada since the Falkland Islands War, part of Operation ‘Essential Harvest,’ were pre-positioned in Oman, the closest point on the Arabian Peninsula to Pakistan. At the same time two U.S. carrier battle groups had arrived on station in the Gulf of Arabia just off the Pakistani coast.  Any Navy vet will tell you that TWO carrier groups in the Indian Ocean is unheard of. It had never happened before.  At the same time, some 17,000 U.S. troops joined more than 23,000 NATO troops in Egypt for Operation ‘Bright Star.’ All of these forces were in place before the first plane hit the World Trade Center, then they all were used to invade Afghanistan and Iraq.  How could they have known ahead of time?

There is no innocent explanation for any of the ten issues described above.  There is no plausible scenario to explain even one of them, let alone all ten.  There are many other questions, for example, why are there no clear pictures of the Pentagon attack? The Pentagon was at the time equipped with hundreds of the most sophisticated cameras in the world.  And how did the buildings collapse exactly like controlled demolitions?  And how did the alleged hijackers get aboard the planes, when only two of them allegedly bought tickets? And why are half of the alleged hijackers still alive? And why were Israeli Mossad agents seen celebrating on a rooftop as they filmed and photographed the events from a New Jersey rooftop across the harbor from Manhattan? And why were the Bin Laden family allowed to leave the US without being questioned? And how did structural steel girders with asbestos coatings dissolve in flames caused by jet fuel, which burns at far too low of a temperature to melt steel?  Again, no good answers to any of these questions.

In view all of this evidence, the only reasonable conclusion is that our government lied to us about the most significant and eventful day in the history of this nation. It really was an “inside job” perpetrated by an entity capable of such an operation.  Only two such entities exist:  Mossad and the CIA.  Neither could have done it without the other being complicit.
Why did they lie, and what were the ultimate goals?  Those are questions that can only come out if we can indict, arrest, and try the criminals responsible.

If you get pulled over, what are your rights?

Courtesy of Police Chief Art Pinero, San Leon Police Department.

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was worried that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What the hell are you doing?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” The cop says, “Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he asks, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?” She replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”
“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker!” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your hootie?”
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
“Grandpa, can I have a beer?” Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no. Grandpa said “Then you’re not man enough to have a beer.”
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, “Then your not man enough to have a cigar.” A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?”
The boy asked “Can your dick touch your ass?”
Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!”
The boy replied, “Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me!”

Kemah Collector Obtains Historic Pair Of Pants
A pair of pants once owned by a nephew of Howard Hughes has been purchased on eBay by a Kemah collector.
Fred Elliman has one of the largest trouser collections in the greater Houston area, including a pair of Bermuda shorts worn by Rodney Dangerfield, and a pair of yellow spandex bicycle shorts that once belonged to John Travolta.
The Hughes pants reportedly had been owned by Rodney Hughes, a distant relative of the legendary recluse who died in 1977.
They are size 38 x 31 gray flannel, made by Wolf Brothers of Miami, Florida.
The winning bid was $67.00 including shipping. “It’s a bargain” Elliman said, noting that similar items can go as high as $2,500 and more. “I’m looking forward to displaying them, once they‘ve been cleaned.”
The pants may have sold for a lower price because they are somewhat soiled, with what appears to be rather large “skid marks.”

Son Sues His Own Momma Over Lotto Winnings
A League City woman who won $3 million in the lottery last year is being sued in Superior Court by her son, who claims he is entitled to some of her winnings.
Jeannie Rabble, 53, was working as a part-time pet nanny last September when she found out that she had picked the winning numbers in the state lotto.
Mrs. Rabble did not move out of her trailer or buy a new car with the winnings.  According to court papers filed by the plaintiff in the lawsuit, she bought a diamond encrusted gold crack pipe and started smoking the drug all day and night.  She even neglected buying groceries and stopped doing laundry.
Luther Rabble, Jeannie’s 22 year-old son, says that he tried to help his mother manage her money, but quit after she hit him with an aluminum baseball bat and threatened him with a shotgun.
In the lawsuit, Luther seeks to be compensated for the work he did in trying to get her affairs in order.  He is also asking the court to declare Jeannie Rabble incompetent, and make him the trustee of her money.
In a telephone interview, Jeannie denies most of what her son says in the lawsuit.  She claims the device referred to as a crack pipe is actually an incense burner, and that her son is simply trying to steal her money. “I did nail that little bastard with a ball-bat, that part is true” she said.
The case will be heard in the fall.

Helium-Filled Bounce House Shot Down By Air Force Drone
Kirby Burby thought he had a great idea for his daughter’s 11th birthday party in Alvin last month: Rent a bounce house, then fill it with helium instead of plain old air.
“I figured it might try to float off, so I tied it down to some yard furniture and filled it up.” he said afterwards, “Then it took off, chairs and all, straight up into the sky.”
Luckily, no one was inside when the liftoff occurred.  The floating collection of objects was detected about 30 minutes later by the radars located at Ellington Field, and a drone was scrambled to identify the object.
Lieutenant Ken Fogelman operated the MQ-1B Predator drone which was launched to intercept and identify.
“As soon ad I got a good look at it on the screen, I knew exactly what it was,” Fogelman said, “and since it presented a navigation hazard, I blasted the shit out of it.”
The rental agency has charged Burby $4,000 in replacement costs, and he may also receive a fine up to $25,000 from the FAA.

Why is it so hard to adopt a dog from the dog pound?  I can buy a dog on Craigslist or at a pet store, and take him home right away. But when you try to adopt a pet at the pound, they are so careful about who is allowed to adopt that I am sure many people just give up and find their animals elsewhere.
I recently adopted a nice little doggle from the Humane Society in Galveston.  They were wonderful people and very helpful, but it was still a complicated procedure.  I even had to have a police officer visit my home to look around and make sure it would be a safe and proper environment for little Pookey to crap on.  The whole process took over a week.
Yeah, I know that there are some people who would adopt a pet, then mistreat it.  Nobody wants that to happen. But even with all of their caution, it will still happen sometimes.
The kind of people who make bad pet parents might not be able to get a stamp of approval from the Humane Society or the SPCA, but they will nevertheless get the pets they want, one way or another. They will buy them from dealers and private sellers. Heck, they will even steal them.
It’s normal to spend over $50 to adopt a cat from the pound. They are as careful about cats as they are about dogs.  If you can’t convince them that you are going to be a good Cat Daddy, they will not let you take one home.
Meanwhile, there are free kittens available everywhere, and nobody wants to know how many square feet of carpet that cat will have to sharpen his claws on.
You might remember Whiskerville Animal Sanctuary, the private shelter in Texas City where the animals were neglected, and a court case finally resulted in an Animal Cruelty conviction against Mrs. Wydell Dixon.
Although she was vilified in the press, Mrs. Dixon was (and is) an animal lover who spent her life savings creating a sanctuary for cats.
Unfortunately, she ran out of money and couldn’t maintain the population of animals which accumulated there. As things went from bad to worse, she couldn’t bring herself to close up and turn the cats over to another agency where some of the cats might be “put to sleep” so she tried to keep things going the best she could. Catastrophic failure was the end result.
But even when things were at their very worst, it was never easy to adopt at Whiskerville.
It ought to be very simple to adopt a cat.
If you can fog a mirror and show ID, they ought to shake your hand and congratulate you quickly, before you change your mind.
If you’re broke, they ought to let you take him free, just to get him off taxpayer support.
There is no demand for cats.  In many places they outnumber the human population.  In San Leon, there are eight cats for every person.  Cats who are homeless are referred to as “feral” cats. Most of them started off with a pink ribbon around their necks as a gift to some little brat who whined “Momma I wont a kitty!” As soon as they were big enough to piss on everything and claw up some priceless antiques, they were taken for a ride.
It ought to be easy to adopt a dog. ID and proof of address should be enough.
I realize that this would cause a few cases of animal abuse from time to time.  But isn’t that already the case?  Overall, more pets would find loving homes.
The thing that pissed me off at the pound was how many pit bulls and pit bull mixes are there.  This is because of all the morons who get a pit bull to authenticate their status as uneducated rednecks, then get evicted from the trailer park and “dump” their dog on the side of the road somewhere.
There are lots of jackasses out there who get pits bulls and intentionally train them from puppies to be mean and aggressive.
These dogs end up at the Humane Society or SPCA, where an occasional inbred fuckjob with a swastika tattoo will show up and ask if any pit bulls are available for adoption…
Hey, on second thought, maybe they should screen people who want to adopt.

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs
up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to
make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back,
“We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young
girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were
out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once
because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
“And so, here we are!”

There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.
So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.
The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his chest in Vaseline. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
“The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to grow some hair”
“You idiot,” said his partner, “Think about it. If that were true you’d have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now.”

Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!
Harry: You save the mother, I’ll save the baby!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”

Giant Ring Of Marijuana Smoke Discovered In Space
NASA astronomers have something new to look upon in the night sky, courtesy of marijuana smokers from around the world.
Sky-watchers have spotted a faint ring of gray marijuana smoke orbiting our planet.
The ring extends about half way to the moon and can only be seen through a telescope at this time.
NASA Public Affairs spokesperson Kimberly Burke issued a statement which read in part::
“We know the gas giant planets–Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune all have rings. Now our own planet has a small ring too.”
NASA scientists performed mass spectrographs on the ring and made the astonishing discovery during March.
“When someone exhales a puff of marijuana smoke, the smoke just keeps going up in the sky – apparently all the way to outer space” said Dr. Harold Druller of the Johnson Space Center’s research staff.
Astronomers believe the ring is growing every day and it will soon be visible without a telescope.

Illegal Aliens Caught Crossing Border Using Circus Cannon
In an item that qualifies for the Just When You Thought You’d Heard It All Department comes some astounding news from the city country music singer Marty Robbins sang about in his hit “El Paso.”
A member of the United States Border Patrol has informed Gator Press that he recently discovered a brand new method by which illegal aliens are entering into the U.S.
The agent said that  while he was patrolling an area down by the Rio Grande, the river that separates Texas from Mexico, he spotted a long, bright shiny object. As he looked through his binoculars he noticed that the object appeared to be a cannon, like the ones used by circus performers.
The agent said that as he sat and surveyed the situation intently, the cannon suddenly resonated with a loud boom and he actually saw a man, who appeared to be about 5-foot-2-inches tall, shoot out of the cannon and fly over the river onto the U.S. side.
The agent quickly followed the human cannonball and saw him as he hurried to get out of a huge mobile safety net that had been set up among some bushes on the US side.
The officer tried to follow him but the human cannonball jumped on the back of a waiting Harley Davidson which drove off at a high rate of speed toward New Mexico.
Officials from Mexico’s Bureau of Border Relations were asked by U.S. Immigration officials to investigate the huge cannon.
They reported that they thoroughly searched the area, and could not locate the so called circus cannon anywhere.

New Study Reveals That New Studies Are Overrated
A recent study conducted at the University of Texas has concluded that studies are really not that informative and that those who study studies, though studious, studied too much.
Speaking from his study, Professor Jason Barlow, who studied studies while a student at  East Texas Truckers Academy said:
“Studying studies, especially new studies is stupendous however, to be honest, after a few days another study, a newer study, replaces the former study, thus making the original new study no longer new; just a study.
“I confirm and concur that this new study that studied new studies is correct, however, since this article was written and subsequently published, that new study is no longer new and has undoubtedly been replaced by a newer more up to date study.”

It pisses me off when I hear someone whining about how wrong it is about gay people getting married, and the term “the sanctity of marriage” is used.
Yes, we can’t let homosexuals get married. But in all fifty states, it is legal for a murderer or a child molester to get married. Any fucked up crackhead can get married. Any variety of low life piece of shit can get hitched. But not if they’re gay, because we must protect the “sanctity” of this institution.
What in fuck is wrong with people? If this is an issue of sanctity, how about we first stop serial killers and baby rapers from getting married?
It pisses me off when I am invited to attend a seminar.  I jumped out of the rat race years ago, because I didn’t want to attend meetings with dickheads wearing suits. Now you want me to pay to get into some banquet room at a motel and listen to some bullshit spiel about the latest multi-level fuckjob scam?
I don’t care to hear about “wealth building” schemes or other methods devised to get my money out of my pockets.
Sadly, it is always a friend or relative who invites me to attend one of these scamfests.
One of the rules I live by: I refuse to attend any seminar, at any hotel, at any time.

It pisses me off when I see some clown wearing a giant belt buckle, I like to go up and ask incredulously… “Excuse me Sir, Which wrestling federation are you the champion of?”

It pisses me off when I hear some cat-lover talking about how much better cats are than dogs. Cat owners may disagree, and cite all kinds of “evidence” that cats are actually smarter because of their instinctive talents despite a stubborn resistance to training, but if a human child can’t be trained, we call him “learning disabled.” We don’t say that he’s too aristocratic to accept instruction. Cat lovers, show me some seeing-eye guide cats, and then I’ll be impressed. Until then, dogs rule.
Besides, cats tend to carry toxoplasma gondii, and I’ve already got enough things to worry about without mind-altering parasites.

It pisses me off when… A grown man starts talking about the “men’s rights” movement. Traditionally men have been protectors and benefactors of the rest of society. Like the men who stayed behind on the Titanic, we know this sometimes means we will get the short end of the stick. In fact, some of us are proud of it. It is a notion called chivalry.
Today, what we have are millions of men  who think the biggest problem with society is the loss of the white Christian male power structure. They are threatened by Muslims, feminists, blacks, atheists, gays, and any other group that threatens this supremacy. Listen up sissy boys: A feminist, Mexican, or atheist can’t stop you from being a man. Only you can do that by whining about it. Stop crying, you pussies!

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife with a puzzled look: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. I’ll be damned, you’re right, you know.”

After a long night buying a hot chick drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap…
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer.”, she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

A blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
After he had explained this to her he said: “There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle”?
She said, “Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it”?
The Doctor said, “Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve”?
She said, “I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to do it”.

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date.
He decides to go over and put the move on her.
‘I think you’re wasting your time, I’m only interested in women’ said the woman.
‘Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind’ said the guy. After ten minutes of the guy pestering her, she finally had enough.
‘OK’ said the woman ‘I’ll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can’t!’
‘OK, bartender get this lady a drink’ he said. ‘let’s see your vibrator do that?’

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you get lost kid? I’m trying to take a shit!”

A young woman in the sleazy part of old Galveston was so  depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the  harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into  the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of  the pier. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to  live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl nodded yes.  After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would  give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and  hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her a sandwich and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until  dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she  was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “I’ve got an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained.  “I get food and a free trip to Europe , and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure the hell  is,” the captain said. “This is the Bolivar  Ferry…”