Category Archives: Local

A young couple who just met are out for a romantic evening walk along a country lane in Santa Fe. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this bush?”
She nods agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of her pulling her panties down. Unable to contain his thoughts a moment longer, he carefully peeks through the bushes.  In the twilight he can make just out her silhouette.
He is surprised to see a long thick appendage hanging down between her legs!
Angry, he reaches out and grabs it! This startles the girl, who says “You scared me half to death. I didn’t realize you were there!”
“Sorry” the guy says. “You scared me too. I didn’t realize you were taking a shit.”

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?”
She responds, “To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” His mind reeling, he asks, “And what do you do at this meeting?”
“Well,” she says, “We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“And what myths are those?” he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers.” “Very interesting…” the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?”
The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto……..Tonto Rubenstein.”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the ride back to town is going to cost you $25.”

A blonde decides to do something crazy she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.” Store Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. What was the title of the movie you rented?”
Blonde: “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner’

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.” As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?” She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your tit is hanging out.” She looks down and says “Oh shit! I left the baby on the bus!”

U.S. Intelligence Claims Proof That  Iran Possesses Atomic Particles
Two months after UN inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of a nuclear weapons program, the US Department of Defense has evidence that the Middle Eastern nation has trillions of atoms – the same tiny particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs.
“Iran now possesses an alarming number of atoms within its borders, despite countless warnings from the international community,” Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said at a press conference, as he pointed to a satellite image marked with locations where his office claims atoms are being stored. “The Iranians ckaim these atoms are only being used to form the building blocks of existence, but we know for a fact that Iranian guns and bombs are constructed out of atoms.”
The atoms were first seen in aerial photographs taken of an Iranian lavatory in central Ibinbad. When the photos were enlarged several hundred billion times, clusters of atoms were spotted in large cargo trucks parked near the facility, in storage units on the grounds, and in the pockets, shoes, clothing, hair, and skin of several persons in a parking lot.
“Security checkpoints have been unable to stop the flow of atoms into Iran,” Secretary Panetta said. “Even with the best equipment available, it is impossible to tell dangerous atoms that could be used for the purposes of mass destruction from the kind of atoms that are functioning harmlessly.”
Panetta added, “We cannot afford to let these atoms fall into, or be a part of, the wrong hands, or the smoking cloud might turn out to be a mushroom gun.”
Iranian officials claim the atoms are being used only for peaceful purposes, and that it is physically impossible for Iran or any government to create or destroy matter in order to comply with U.S. regulations. But officials in the Obama administration say this is just propaganda. An Iranian spokesman said that most Iranian atoms are privately owned, and not the responsibility of the government.
He also claimed that until recent years, most Iranians were not even aware of the existence of atoms in the country.
Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has vowed that if he is elected, Iran will have to get rid of all atoms, or face military intervention.

New book suggests JFK wasn’t shot
A controversial new book about the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy has raised questions not about the role of a lone gunman or conspiracy, but whether the late President was even shot at all.
While the book, Outside the Crosshairs, does not dispute the fact that a massive portion of Kennedy’s skull was separated from his head during the 1963 Dallas visit, it maintains that the President died of natural causes after he suffered a rare and fatal explosive cranial trauma that was unrelated to gunshots.
“Certainly extreme force was involved,” said Dr. Horace Fetters, the book’s author and a professor of forensic proctology at the Texas Institute of Technical Science. “However, none of the available photographs or footage proves that an actual bullet did anything to Kennedy. As scientists, therefore, we must consider all other possibilities, no matter how much they challenge the status quo.”
Fetters favors an explanation known as the massive-spike-in-blood-pressure theory. “It’s not completely unheard of” he says, “and we do know that Kennedy was under a lot of pressure, had eaten Chinese food the night before with Duck sauce, and had a history of high blood pressure.”
Fetters spent over ten years researching the book, which is over 300 pages in length, and about 7 inches wide.
The book is available nationwide at major book retailers and online at Amazon.com

Okay Mister Tough Guy, you roared up on your very noisy Harley and walked into the bar wearing full regalia, including a pair of jackboots Klaus Barbie would have coveted and a pair of dark “fuck off” sunglasses. You stormed up like a manly man and slammed your hairy fist on the bar and loudly named your poison: Jack and Coke.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. I’m a faithful disciple of Jack Daniels, and my fridge always has a shitload of Coca Cola, and I can see where sometimes the two might end up being mixed into a drink – by a chick or by my effeminate nephew Kirby. But why would a real he-man like yourself water down his manly-man drink with coke?
Is the whiskey too strong for you? If so, maybe you ought to go back to something that won’t upset your tummy, like milk for Christ sakes. If you’re going to drink the real shit, drink it straight like a man. If you must have the soda pop, get it on the side in a separate glass as a chaser. Sip the whiskey and, after savoring the warm glow for a bit, chase the aftertaste down. Repeat as often as necessary. That’s acceptable. It would be better of course to leave the kiddie drinks out of the equation and get a beer chaser, or no chaser at all.
If you’re mainly just trying to impress people with what a badass you are, that’s the way to go. And don’t spout off with that bullshit about how you really like the taste of Jack and Coke together. I bet I could switch the bourbon out for some Evan Williams and you wouldn’t guess it in a million years. If you were drinking your hooch straight, the way God intended, you’d know the difference before you even tasted it.
If you’re going to have a cocktail, use a cocktail liquor like rum, gin, or vodka. Nobody thinks you’re a tough guy when they see you watering down good whiskey with carbonated kool-aid. It makes you look like a jackass. As cowboys say, you’re “all hat & no cattle.”
The above applies to all top shelf whiskeys. Make mine straight.

The Occasional Idiot:
In America, everyone is free to be whatever kind of idiot they want. This gives us a panorama of imbecility; a smorgasbord of stupidity unmatched in most of the world. Since morons come in so many flavors, it might be helpful if there was a list of things to help you identify an idiot. If there were such a list, these would be some of my contributions:
~ If you’re sitting at the bar, and a chick says that she’s looking for a man who can just be honest, and “be himself” (whatever in the fuck THAT means) – and you notice that she’s wearing false fingernails, eyelashes, hair, and boobs – she is probably an idiot.
~ The guy who tipped the stripper $100 and thought he would be getting lucky is an idiot.
~ The guy on the crotch-rocket who just drove past doing 100 mph is an idiot.
~ The chick who bitches about how slow the service is, then takes five minutes to decide what she’s drinking is an idiot.
~ The person who gets up in a club to sing karaoke and sings Amazing Grace is an idiot.
~ If you know someone who has a job that requires him to work for a couple of hours in the morning, then go home, then come back the same day to work a couple more hours – that person is an idiot. Unless he’s getting paid $100+ an hour – in which case he is a politician, which is to say, he’s still an idiot.
~ The dude at the convenience store holding up the whole line while he buys scratch & sniff lottery tickets is an idiot.
~ The lady dressed as a man dressed as a woman is not an idiot, she’s just stone crazy. However, the guy dating her is an idiot.
~ The drunk chick yelling at mister Police Officer is an idiot.
~ Often enough, the drummer is an idiot.
~ And most of all, that guy across the bar – who won’t stop running his mouth and talking shit – he is an idiot.

Kiss my ass:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

In touch…
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We’ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband says,” no – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Sex education:
A man and his son are talking, when his son asks him “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The Dad, confused, asks him “before or after sex?” The kid says “Ummm before sex.” So the dad says to him “Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with soft pink petals?” “Yeah” says the son. “Well what about after sex?” he says to his dad. His dad replies “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

Ouch.
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

Final message
Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read aloud, “Move your foot you stupid asshole, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Fairy tale:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t fucking think so.

Set her back out there.
One Cajun is working on his boat. Two other Cajuns came up and said, “Boudreau! We got some good news an’ some bad news fo’ you.”
Beadreaux said, “Oh shit! Giv me dat bad news first.”
“We just come down from da bayou. Yo wife she floatin’ face down in it – she musta drown cause she sho is dead!”
Beadreaux said, “No! No! Oh man… dat terribile news. Wat da good news?”
“When we fine her, she had bout fifteen of dem big blue crabs on her! We gonna set her out again in the mornin’!”

Parking Meter Decision Looms:
Galveston City Council is planning a series of meetings to decide how the City will charge people to park on Seawall Boulevard.
One plan includes selling annual parking passes for $25 and using the money to help the strippers at the local titty bars.
A second plan would eliminate all parking on the Seawall, and tow away all cars found parking there. The vehicles would then be auctioned off, and the funds set aside to set up porta-potties on every corner in the city.
The third proposal is revolutionary, but has little chance of being approved. It would force the owners of the new Pleasure Pier to provide their own goddam parking.

Local celebrity visits with Pope:
Local musician and former porn star Richard Rhea spent a week in Rome last month, and was pleased to be granted a brief audience with Pope Benedict.
Rhea surprised the Pontoon by greeting him in Latin, reportedly telling the Pope “eezplayed ootay eetmay ooyay.”
The Pope, who is German, did not understand the form of Latin Rhea used, so an expert in Pig Latin had to translate.
Rhea has also recently signed a contract with Columbia Records. Terms of the contract are not available, but it is believed that Rhea will get eleven CDs for one cent, after which he must purchase 10 more at the regular price.

Mayor to hunt with former VP Cheney
In what is interpreted by many as the curtain call for San Leon Mayor Keith Heinz, the long-time mayor has been invited to go quail hunting with former Vice President Dick Cheney later this month.
A spokesman at Cheney’s bunker denied any rumors that Heinz would be ‘retired’ during the hunting excursion.
Heinz issued a statement saying he is honored to be invited by Mr. Cheney. “I am flattered that the former Vice President asked me to go hunting with him. I know I can learn a lot from an experienced hunter like him. He even sent me a little quail hat in honor of the event, which I will proudly wear during our outing.” The trip is set for early July.

Suspect Flees, Eludes Capture:
A high-speed chase on June 8th ended with the suspect escaping in a wooded area and remaining at large in spite of an extensive manhunt by authorities.
The incident started at the Wal Mart in Texas City, when a Wal Mart Patrol Officer noticed a man putting purchases into his car.
The suspicious officer decided to detain the man and draw DNA and blood samples from him, and approached him, saying “Sir, please come along with me…”
The perpetrator told the officer to run along and leave him alone, then jumped into his car and drove off, heading west on FM 1764 in the direction of Santa Fe.
Wal Mart Police vehicles chased the suspect, and, after covering over 30 miles, finally had him cornered in a cul-de-sac in Angleton.
Unfortunately, just as they were preparing to apprehend him, it was time for their noon lunch break, and the security men all knocked off for about an hour. Upon their return to work, the unknown man had vanished.

Police Blotter:
May 25: A Clear Lake resident complained that not enough teenagers were sneaking into his pool to skinny-dip at night anymore.
June 2: A party on Bellwether Ave. had to be broken up when it became obvious that more beer would never be arriving.
June 5: Officers responded to a noise complaint on Robertson Drive Tuesday evening and really beat the shit out of some guy.
June 9: After a high-speed pursuit, officers were forced to watch a burglary suspect taunt them from just inches across the county line.
June 10: Police responded to reports of a soaking wet naked man singing loudly at 156 Oak St. Complying with officers, the man got out of his shower and put some clothes on.

A soldier was given the job of hunting buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come”. The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come”? and the Indian replies, “ear sticky”.

There was a man in a tavern one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY drunk. When the place closed. he got up to walk home. As he swayed out the door he saw a nun walking by on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her right in the eye. Well the nun was really shocked but before she could do anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he staggered over to her and kicked her in the ass. Then he picked her up and threw her into the street. By this time the nun was hurt and couldn’t move. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. “Not such a badass tonight, are you Batman?”

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?” “I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.” A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you guys take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you.” A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says “Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!”. Billy says, “Ok mommy.” and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams “MOMMY! I’m still blind, my wish didn’t come true!” The mom answered, “I know, haha! April Fools!”

There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says “Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders.” The blonde then replies “That’s a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?”

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring the customers!” “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says…”You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: “I ain’t had no fun in months.” Then asked the class, “How should I correct this sentence?” Little Johnny raised his had and replied, “Get yourself a new boyfriend.”

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said he could be bought for 50 bucks. “Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird saw him and said, “New Madam, New whores. Same old customers!”

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder. The drunk guy just ignores him. After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down. He notices that the alien has no genitalia. He then asks “You guys don‘t have a penis? How do you guys have sex?” The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles!

So two crackheads have been charged with possession. The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming drug users. They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they’ve gotten off drugs. The first guy says, “Twenty-four!” “Amazing,” says the judge! How’d you do it?” “Simple,” says the crackhead. “I just show them: ‘O’ – This is your brain; ‘o’ – this is your brain on drugs.” “Impressive,” says the judge. Turning to the second crackhead, he says, “And how did you do?” “Your honor, I saved 102 people from the bonds of the evil crack.” “And how did you manage that?” “Kind of the same as the other guy, ‘except I told people: ‘o’ – this is your asshole; ‘O’ – THIS is your asshole in prison.”

There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, there goes my neighbor.”

Financial Advisers:
When you are approached by or introduced to a Financial Adviser, you should be aware of several important facts: First of all, he (or she) is probably NOT a “real” financial adviser. Most likely he is an life insurance salesman with an investment gimmick attached to his policies. Which is bad, because investing is taking a financial risk, and insurance is the opposite – it eliminates financial risk. So, when you combine the two, it becomes a zero-sum game, and you lose. But the salesman gets to put his hands into both of your pockets at once! He wins every time.
But even if you have a “legitimate” financial adviser, one without an insurance license, you are still going to get screwed. Remember, these guys aren’t paid to grow your money. They don’t get a cut of your gains or share in your losses. They get a flat rate, a percentage of whatever they can get you to spend.
That’s why they are always saying now is a good time to buy stocks. Whenever the market goes down, they say “Get in there and pick up some bargains” and when the market is up, they say “Blue sky, don’t miss the ride!”
These fuckers also profited from Enron and other debacles, but they never had to disgorge any of the billions they milked out of the middle class through their financial advising.
If you’re crazy enough to buy stocks, you don’t need some dickhead who didn’t see the sky falling last time around, and won’t see it next time either. This is an occupation comprised mostly of greedy scoundrels, with any exceptions being very few and far between.

The guy who donated a porno collection to the Goodwill Store:
A local Goodwill received a donation of a porn collection (over 100 DVDs), with a note enclosed that said “Due to my new religious beliefs, I cannot keep these, but they are quite valuable. Hopefully you can sell them for a lot of money to help your group.”
Wow, thanks a lot. These will be a big hit in the retail shop. Such a large selection, everything from granny porn to bondage.
What were you thinking? If your religious beliefs won’t let YOU keep them, why in the figgldy fuck would you want someone ELSE to burn in HELL for all eternity?
Besides, you stupid ignorant fucknut, the Goodwill store threw them in the trash, so now no one will be able to enjoy them, even those whose religious views allow them to enjoy adult entertainment. What a waste.

Landlocked relatives:
Every time there’s the slightest chance that a hurricane might come within a thousand miles of here, I start getting calls and text messages from kinfolks who live north of I-10 as far away as Iowa..
“You better evacuate early, so you won’t get caught up in the traffic mess”
“Y’all are crazy to stay there with a storm coming. You must got a death wish.”
“UR CR8ZY. U SHD LV” (via text)
Hey, I’ve been here for fifty fucking years.
I know all about hurricanes.
I am the Dos Equis Man, the Captain Morgan, of Hurricanes. I know when to hold and when to fold. There might come a time when I say, hmmm, time to haul ass away from the Gulf for a few days. But if and when that time comes, I’ll know. I won’t need a farmer in a corn field to clue me in!

People who hate people who hate cats:
It is a God given right to hate cats. Or bugs, snakes, spiders, rats, worms, or the color green. But if you hate cats, there are mean people who hate YOU out there.
There’s no politically correct way to hate cats. You can tell about the diseases they carry, the native bird populations they decimate, the vandalism they commit, and the deaths of newborn babies attributed to them, and the goddam pawprints they put all over your car.  It does not matter. If you hate cats, you are hated by those who hate cat haters. And there‘s a lot of ‘em.

Illiterate bastards:
which clearly does not include you, since you’ve made it this far.

from our last issue of NightMoves:

Fidel Castro’s Last Friend In America, Robert McKeown

In September of 1961 Hurricane Carla devastated the San Leon and Bacliff communities in Galveston County. Utilities were off and many people had lost everything they owned. In the midst of the relief effort was a Bacliff man, 48 year old Robert McKeown. Arriving at Captain Henry’s on Bayshore Drive with a truck filled with blankets and food for the victims, McKeown went to work. For several days McKeown, his wife, and several friends ferried relief supplies and people using a Rambler station wagon and a borrowed truck. Few of those who met Bob McKeown in 1961 knew very much about him, except that he owned the J & M Drive Inn, a beer joint on Red Bluff Road. No one would have guessed that he was possibly the only man in America that Cuban dictator Fidel Castro counted as a friend.

Robert Ray McKeown was born in Houston in 1913. He grew up in Galena Park and Pasadena, back when Spencer Highway was paved with oyster shells. Nothing is known about his childhood, except that he graduated from high school in Houston in 1931. His police record started the same year, when he was arrested in LaPorte for assault. Charges were dropped and he stayed out of trouble until August of 1933, when he and another man were charged with the armed robbery of a payroll courier in Baytown. McKeown was given 5 years in Huntsville for his part in the robbery. While in prison, McKeown was assigned to the machine shop, where he learned to operate a lathe and other equipment. By the time he was paroled in 1937, McKeown was good enough to get hired by Warren Machine Works in Houston. He stayed out of trouble, and married Ethel Jane Etie of Seabrook on Christmas Day of 1939.
· When the attack on Pearl Harbor occurred two years later, Robert McKeown immediately tried to enlist, but was turned down because of his status as an ex-con. Never one to be deterred, he went to Galveston, where he enlisted in the Army under the assumed name of a high school classmate, J.T. Brown. Within a few weeks, the Army discovered McKeown’s true identity, and gave him an undesirable discharge. Within days, he was in Tulsa, enlisting in the Navy under another alias, H.J. McAllister. This time he got away with it, and was sent to California and on to the Pacific. After the war, “McAllister” was discharged as a Machinist’s Mate 2nd Class, and offered a job with Bethlehem Steel in Beaumont. He moved his wife and two daughters to a shotgun house on Riverside Drive in Orange and went to work. One weekend in early 1947, “McAllister” and his family vanished from the house. Over $20,000 worth of machine and fabricating tools were missing from the job site. Warrants were issued for “McAllister”, but he had ceased to exist. Bob McKeon next arrived in Pasadena, where he opened McKeown Fabricating Co. in the fall of 1947.
· McKeown then began using the name “Max” McKeown. The business received a contract from Hughes Tool Company the following year, and was soon one of Houston’s busiest shops. McKeown and his wife bought a house in the Shady Lake area of Pasadena and business boomed.
· One day in 1950, a man named Van Zeivander came to see McKeown about building a machine he had created that improved the process of cleaning coffee. The process was very successful. During this time, much raw coffee was processed and packaged in Santiago, Cuba. McKeown and Zeivander went there in 1950, where they set up a plant. Within the first year, they did over $2 million. Soon the McKeowns were well known in Havana and Santiago. McKeown became an investor in casinos, and became friendly with Cuban President Carlos Prio Socarro.
· In 1952, Fulgencio Batista overthrew Prio’s government and became President of Cuba. Prio fled to Miami, but retained ownership of business interests in Cuba. There is evidence that Prio, with McKeown’s help, transferred $19 million in cash to a Miami bank controlled by the mafia.
Batista, aware that McKeown had helped Prio, started extorting money from the Texan. When the demands became too great, McKeown made plans to move his business to the Bahamas. Batista got wind of it and deported McKeown to Miami, seizing his manufacturing plant and bank accounts.
· McKeown went to lawyers, crooks, and the government, seeking to have his business returned. His entire fortune had been taken away, and he was determined to get it back, with some payback for Batista. In Miami, former Cuban President Prio took his friend in and offered to help. The pair believed that only a coup against Batista would restore their fortunes in Cuba. At the time, Batista was having trouble with a group of revolutionaries led by brothers Raoul and Fidel Castro. They found that an organized crime figure in Tampa named Nelson Italiano was already assisting Castro’s forces with small arms and ammunition. Remember, at this time Castro was not affiliated with communism, and was considered a “freedom fighter”.
· In 1956, Castro came to Houston, where he met with McKeown and Prio at the Shamrock Hotel. At the time, Castro had just come from Mexico, where he was training his forces to invade Cuba. He needed a ship. Using Prio’s money, McKeown bought a Chilean freighter at the Port of Houston, which was later used to carry Castro’s army back to Cuba.
· McKeown may have first met Jack Ruby in Miami. Ruby owned half of a Hallandale Fla. night club called the Colonial Inn. His partner was Bernard Baker (later arrested as a Watergate burglar, and also identified by Deputy Constable Frank Weitzman as one of the fake Secret Service agents in Dealey Plaza). Baker was Prio’s “straw man” – Prio was Ruby’s true partner.
· Prio’s money and McKeown’s energy were put to use on behalf of organized crime figures. A meeting was held in May ’57 with an attorney from Tampa named Henry Gonzales. Gonzales single client during his career was South Florida crime boss Santo Trafficante Jr. The group started sending weapons to Castro through Valenti & Sons, a fruit shipper located at the Port of Tampa. Cash payment for the weapons was found by McKeown in a safety deposit box at the Pan American Bank in North Tampa. The other key to the box belonged to Henry Gonzales.
When Tampa voters elected a personal friend of Batista to be Mayor (Nick Nuccio), police put the heat on support for the revolutionaries. McKeown suggested moving the operation to Houston, and this was done by December of 1957.
When Tampa authorities discovered the operation had moved, Mayor Nuccio (who had a lot of law enforcement contacts) turned over their investigation to the Feds, who had been watching Prio for several years. Acting on information provided by the Tampa cops, the FBI set up a surveillance of McKeown from a house on the Seabrook waterfront.
· On February 18, 1958 they sprang the trap. McKeown’s yacht, the 38 ft “Buddy Dee” was seized by US Customs and the Coast Guard near Port Bolivar carrying a large gun shipment to Cuba. The Feds arrested McKeown for violating the US Neutrality Act. Arrested the same day were former Cuban President Carlos Prio, McKeown’s wife, and several others.
While he waited to go to trial, McKeown and former Harris County Sheriff’s Deputy Carl Jarrett opened the J & M Drive Inn, a bar/marina located on Red Bluff Road at Taylor Lake (later known as Cecil’s Red Lantern). The money to open the club was provided by Prios through Barnard Baker. Because of McKeown’s charges, the place was licensed in Jarrett’s name.
McKeown received 5 years probation for gun-running in October of 1958. His yacht was seized, and once more he was nearly broke. However, Castro had the ship, and the invasion went forward as planned.
· On New Years Day of 1959, Castro’s revolutionaries arrived in Havana to find Batista had fled, and the casinos had been locked up. Two days later, the Houston Post carried a story titled “Convicted Gunrunner Hails Castro Victory” about McKeown.

· After the story was published, Jack Ruby came to visit McKeon. He offered McKeown $25,000 to introduce him to Castro. He told McKeown that he had some surplus Army jeeps in Shreveport he would like to sell – and asked McKeon to assist in getting Santo Trafficante Jr. released from a Cuban jail where he was being held. McKeon met with Ruby at the Edgewater Club in Kemah. Some say they made a deal, some say they didn’t. Anecdotal evidence is that Ruby rented a two story house on Kipp Street in Kemah and shipped the jeeps to Castro within a few weeks.
· In April, Castro arrived at Hobby Field on his last visit to America as a non-communist. His reason for visiting the US was to see Robert McKeown of Bacliff. The Houston Chronicle photographed Castro and McKeown together, and reported Castro had offered McKeon the job of Minister of Industry. McKeon’s probation officer and the FBI told McKeown he would be arrested if he tried to leave the US. Castro told the Chronicle reporter that without McKeon’s help, there would have been no revolution.
Apparently at this meeting, Castro agreed to some kind of ransom terms for Trafficante, but the Mafia suffered a major fiasco in trying to meet them. In early May, 1959, the Mafia allegedly stole $8.5 million from a Canadian bank and also stole a large number of weapons from the Ohio National Guard. A police investigation showed that mafiosi Norman Rothman had spent $6,000 of the money to rent airplanes to smuggle the arms to Castro’s forces in Cuba. On July 3, Rothman was arrested for this series of crimes.
· Within a year, Castro learned that the CIA was trying to kill him, and allied himself with the Soviet Union. McKeown, when he heard this, reportedly exploded. He knew that the possibility of regaining his Cuban business was now practically zero. Like other Cuban exiles, he believed that only a US invasion would suffice. The election of President John F. Kennedy was a further setback. After the Bay of Pigs fiasco, Kennedy made it obvious that he would not be launching an invasion of Cuba.
· The CIA however, continued to train exiles at camps in Florida, Louisiana, and Texas. CIA-trained insurgent Sergio Arcacha Smith traveled to Houston in March of 1963 to work with ex-President Carlos Prio, Robert McKeown, and the Free Cuba Committee. The group met at a private club in Dickinson owned by Galveston’s Maceo Brothers. A trailer park compound with a rifle range was set up in Algoa (near Alvin) where potential Cuban liberation forces were indoctrinated and trained by Smith and others, including CIA operatives. Segio Arcacha Smith has been identified by biometrics as one of the men in the “three tramps” photo from Dealey Plaza. McKeown wasn’t personally concerned with the ideology, according to his daughter, Margaret Britt. He just wanted his business returned and was willing to fight for it.
· In September of ’63, a man calling himself “Leon Oswald” visited McKeown at his home on 1st Street in Bacliff, accompanied by a Latin man named Hernandez. The man asked about obtaining bazookas & machine guns. McKeown ran the pair off, but five minutes later they returned and Oswald asked McKeown to acquire 4 Savage .300 automatic rifles with telescopic sights, for which he would pay $10k. Sam Neill of League City was there and has corroborated the story in sworn statements to the FBI. Both said the man was identical to the Oswald they saw assassinated on television by Jack Ruby six weeks later.
· The next time McKeown was reportedly sighted comes from an FBI document that says that two Dallas homosexuals, Breck Wall and Joe Peterson, on Saturday, November 23, 1963, at about 6:00 pm, left their rooms at the Adolphus Hotel in Dallas, picked a man named William Seymour up at the Abundant Life Temple, and drove him to the Driftwood Motel in Galveston where they turned him over to David Ferrie, Robert McKeown, and others at about 11:00 pm. Seymour was to hide out at McKeown’s house in Bacliff, until a few days later when he would return to his sister’s home in Phoenix, Arizona. Jack Ruby called McKeown in Galveston around midnight of the 23rd to check on Seymour. William Seymour is the man who conspiracy theorists refer to as the “2nd Oswald”, an FBI informant and petty crook who was a ringer for Oswald. McKeown later denied this ever happened. Records showed the room had been rented on that date in the name of H. McAllister, McKeown’s old Navy alias.
· Two weeks later, McKeown’s probation expired and he was a free man once more. However, the JFK investigation brought him back to the FBI several times to answer more questions about Ruby and Oswald. After testifying to the Warren Commission, McKeown moved to Miami, where he and his wife remained close to former Cuban President Carlos Prio. In 1977, Prio allegedly killed himself because of business misfortunes.
· After losing a lung to cancer, McKeown moved in with his daughter in a Miami suburb. In 1989, Robert McKeown died there of emphysema.
· Did Bob McKeown participate in the plot to kill Kennedy? Nobody knows for sure. If he did, he certainly wasn’t in Dallas that day. He was visited by his probation officer, Joe Fields, an hour before the assassination took place. He was no admirer of Kennedy by all accounts. McKeown felt that as long as Kennedy was in office, he would never get his coffee cleaning business or casino shares back. If he didn’t help kill Kennedy, he wasn’t all broke up about the assassination. Despite all efforts, he never did regain his lost fortune in Cuba.
Even if Robert McKeon didn’t help kill Kennedy, he did do a lot of other things that make him one of the most colorful figures in the history of the Bayside area.

Most of us associate Thanksgiving with happy Pilgrims and Indians sitting down to a big feast.  And that did happen – once.
The story began in 1614 when a band of English explorers sailed home to  England with a ship full of Patuxet Indians bound for slavery. They left behind smallpox which virtually wiped out those who had escaped.  By the time the Pilgrims arrived in Massachusetts Bay they found only one living Patuxet Indian, a man named Squanto who had survived slavery in England and knew their language.  He taught them to grow corn and to fish, and negotiated a peace treaty between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Nation. At the end of their first year, the Pilgrims held a great feast honoring Squanto and the Wampanoags.
But as word spread in England about the paradise to be found in the new world, religious zealots called Puritans began arriving by the boat load. Finding no fences around the land, they considered it to be in the public domain. Joined by other British settlers, they seized land, capturing strong young Natives for slaves and killing the rest.  But the Pequot Nation had not agreed to the peace treaty Squanto had negotiated and they fought back. The Pequot War was one of the bloodiest Indian wars ever fought.
In 1637 near present day  Groton, Connecticut, over 700 men, women and children of the Pequot Tribe had gathered for their annual Green Corn Festival which is our Thanksgiving celebration. In the predawn hours the sleeping Indians were surrounded by English and Dutch mercenaries who ordered them to come outside.  Those who came out were shot or clubbed to death while the terrified women and children who huddled inside the longhouse were burned alive. The next day the governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared “A Day Of Thanksgiving” because 700 unarmed men, women and children had been murdered.
Cheered by their “victory”, the brave colonists and their Indian allies attacked village after village. Women and children over 14 were sold into slavery while the rest were murdered.  Boats loaded with a many as 500 slaves regularly left the ports of New England. Bounties were paid for Indian scalps to encourage as many deaths as possible.
Following an especially successful raid against the Pequot in what is now  Stamford, Connecticut, the churches announced a second day of “thanksgiving” to celebrate victory over the heathen savages.  During the feasting, the hacked off heads of Natives were kicked through the streets like soccer balls.  Even the friendly Wampanoag did not escape the madness. Their chief was beheaded, and his head impaled on a pole in Plymouth, Massachusetts — where it remained on display for 24 years.
The killings became more and more frenzied, with days of thanksgiving feasts being held after each successful massacre. George Washington finally suggested that only one day of Thanksgiving per year be set aside instead of celebrating each and every massacre. Later Abraham Lincoln decreed Thanksgiving Day to be a legal national holiday during the Civil War — on the same day he ordered troops to march against the starving Sioux in Minnesota.
This story doesn’t have quite the same fuzzy feelings associated with it as the one where the Indians and Pilgrims are all sitting down together at the big feast.  But we need to learn our true history so it won’t ever be repeated.  Next  Thanksgiving, when you gather with your loved ones to Thank God for all your blessings, think about those people who only wanted to live their lives and raise their families.  They, also took time out to say “thank you” to Creator for all their blessings.

“The Federal Reserve Bank is not federal, has no reserves, and is not a bank. It is an illusion,  like Doctor Phil, who is not really a doctor, and whose name is not actually Phil.”

The world’s largest scam, explained:

The Federal Reserve Bank is not federal, has no reserves, and is not a bank. It is an illusion,  like Doctor Phil, who is not really a doctor, and whose name is not actually Phil.  The Fed is not a part of our government and is not controlled by our government. Our own government does not issue currency and does not print money. They do not control the printing of money. All of our money comes from the Federal Reserve. So when you hear someone say that Obama or the government is printing money like crazy, they are uninformed.
The Federal Reserve Bank is 100% owned by private banking interests. Several international banks control it and share in the profits that it earns by manipulating our financial markets.
When the Federal Reserve prints $10, they do not “give” it to our government. They loan it to the government and to the taxpayers. They charge us interest on this loan. So when they print $10, we immediately owe them  $11. Since this is more money than they have actually printed, we will always owe the Fed more money than they have ever actually printed. Paying off the National Debt is therefore a mathematical impossibility. This interest continues to snowball, until the amount of the debt finally surpasses the ability of the people to pay, and the Federal Reserve is left with only one option: Squeeze the people tighter and tighter in order to postpone the impending and unavoidable systemic collapse that must eventually occur.
That’s where the nation of Greece is right now. That’s where Iceland was a couple of years ago. That’s where Europe is heading; and that’s where we are about to go in America.
We are being squeezed down into lesser jobs and lower standards of living, in order to make sure that the Federal Reserve gets paid. “We will loan you some more money, but you’re going to have to cut back on living expenses so you can make higher and higher payments to us!”
Some people say that’s how capitalism works. Bullshit. This has nothing to do with capitalism.
It’s actually about an unconstitutional private group of billionaires who control our country.
Article I, Section 8, Clause 5, of the United States Constitution provides that Congress shall have the power to coin money and regulate the value thereof.  If the Fed were actually a federal agency, the government could issue US legal tender directly, avoiding unnecessary interest-bearing debt to private middlemen who create the money out of thin air themselves. Among other benefits to the taxpayers, a truly “federal” Federal Reserve could lend to state and local governments interest-free, cutting the cost of infrastructure in half, restoring the thriving local economies of earlier decades. The trillions of dollars of US debt could be exchanged dollar for dollar with real US currency as the debt becomes due. There would be no inflation because there would be no additional currency in circulation. The tax burden could be cut if we took back the Fed and this would cause our economy to rapidly expand.
The Federal Reserve is the largest single creditor of the United States Government, and they are also the people who decide how much the average persons car payments are going to be, what their house payments are going to be, and whether they even have a job or not.
Not only do they have too much power, but that power is not granted by the Constitution.
They are illegal, interloping, blood-sucking parasites. They are a criminal enterprise.
Incidentally, this is the only common ground between the Tea Party and the Occupy Wall Street movements.  Both groups know that the Federal banking system is the real problem.
On this, if nothing else, ultra conservatives and ultra liberals can find agreement.
In Iceland, when their own version of the Federal Reserve defaulted on loans owed to the IMF (International Monetary Fund – the global Fed), the voters banged pots and pans in the street until the government scheduled early elections. 90% of the voters said “no” to bailing out the banks. The president of Iceland afterward said “The banks are privately owned. The people are not responsible for private business failures.” The money-changers were aghast, and predicted Iceland would become a third-world country within a few months.  Instead, the economy of Iceland is recovering quite nicely. The economy is steadily growing and there is a boom in small businesses. Unemployment has dropped from a high of 9.9% down to 7.3% this year.
In Argentina, where the government defaulted to the tune of $100 billion, and rejected the idea of paying an insurmountable debt to foreign banks, there is a major economic boom going on. Things are going so well that the Argentine government is providing free laptops, health care, child care, pay raises and pension raises to all. Unemployment is at an all-time low.
In America, in 1963, President John Kennedy wanted an end to the Federal Reserve System, which had a strangle-hold on the United States and virtually the world. By a stroke of the pen, President Kennedy dismissed the Federal Reserve System and ordered the US government to restore its Constitutional mandate of controlling the currency. He ordered the Treasury Department to start printing debt-free US currency. President Kennedy was dead three weeks later. When President Lyndon Johnson took office, he immediately rescinded Kennedy’s order and the “Kennedy notes” were quietly and quickly removed from circulation.
In New York City, in 1861, President Abraham Lincoln showed up with his hat in his hand to ask the Fed banksters (then known as the Associated Banks) to lend money to the government in order to preserve the Union. The banks demanded 20-30%, thinking they had Lincoln over a barrel. The new president declined the usurious offer. An old friend of Lincoln’s, Colonel Dick Taylor of Chicago, was put in charge of solving the problem of how to finance the war. His solution was: “Get Congress to pass a bill authorizing the printing of full legal tender notes and pay your soldiers with them and go ahead and win your war with them also.” When Lincoln asked if the people of America would accept the notes Taylor said. “The people or anyone else will not have any choice in the matter, if you make them full legal tender. They will have the full sanction of the government and be just as good as any money; as Congress is given that express right by the Constitution.”  Lincoln agreed to try this solution and printed 450 million dollars worth of the new bills using green ink on the back to distinguish them from other notes.  He explained it thusly: “The government should create, issue and circulate all the currency and credit needed to satisfy the spending power of the government and the buying power of consumers. The privilege of issuing money is not only the supreme prerogative of Government, but it is the Government’s greatest creative opportunity.” The solution worked so well Lincoln was considering adopting this emergency measure as a permanent policy. Lincoln’s opposition to the central banks is well documented. He would certainly have killed off the national banks monopoly had he not been killed himself only 41 days after being re-elected.
The same solution could and would work today. People are starting to realize that in the final analysis, the Federal Reserve banking system is the problem.
Thomas Jefferson stated, “If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”
This prophecy by Jefferson is being fulfilled right now, in our generation.
It is time for the American people to demand that the Federal Reserve Banking system be made fully accountable to the people or abolished entirely. We should not have to pay interest on our own money. A private group of investors should not have absolute control over our national economy.  Our tax dollars should never be used to bail out private monopolies.
Neither political party is innocent. Both are guilty of selling our country to Wall Street, an act of treason for which they should be held fully accountable.