Gator Press

If you get pulled over, what are your rights?

Courtesy of Police Chief Art Pinero, San Leon Police Department.

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was worried that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?” He heard, “This is the police. What the hell are you doing?” The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.” The cop says, “Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He’s rather taken back, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he asks, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Oh my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?” She replies, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”
“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my pecker!” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your hootie?”
“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked,
“Grandpa, can I have a beer?” Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no. Grandpa said “Then you’re not man enough to have a beer.”
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?” Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, “Then your not man enough to have a cigar.” A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?”
The boy asked “Can your dick touch your ass?”
Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!”
The boy replied, “Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me!”

Kemah Collector Obtains Historic Pair Of Pants
A pair of pants once owned by a nephew of Howard Hughes has been purchased on eBay by a Kemah collector.
Fred Elliman has one of the largest trouser collections in the greater Houston area, including a pair of Bermuda shorts worn by Rodney Dangerfield, and a pair of yellow spandex bicycle shorts that once belonged to John Travolta.
The Hughes pants reportedly had been owned by Rodney Hughes, a distant relative of the legendary recluse who died in 1977.
They are size 38 x 31 gray flannel, made by Wolf Brothers of Miami, Florida.
The winning bid was $67.00 including shipping. “It’s a bargain” Elliman said, noting that similar items can go as high as $2,500 and more. “I’m looking forward to displaying them, once they‘ve been cleaned.”
The pants may have sold for a lower price because they are somewhat soiled, with what appears to be rather large “skid marks.”

Son Sues His Own Momma Over Lotto Winnings
A League City woman who won $3 million in the lottery last year is being sued in Superior Court by her son, who claims he is entitled to some of her winnings.
Jeannie Rabble, 53, was working as a part-time pet nanny last September when she found out that she had picked the winning numbers in the state lotto.
Mrs. Rabble did not move out of her trailer or buy a new car with the winnings.  According to court papers filed by the plaintiff in the lawsuit, she bought a diamond encrusted gold crack pipe and started smoking the drug all day and night.  She even neglected buying groceries and stopped doing laundry.
Luther Rabble, Jeannie’s 22 year-old son, says that he tried to help his mother manage her money, but quit after she hit him with an aluminum baseball bat and threatened him with a shotgun.
In the lawsuit, Luther seeks to be compensated for the work he did in trying to get her affairs in order.  He is also asking the court to declare Jeannie Rabble incompetent, and make him the trustee of her money.
In a telephone interview, Jeannie denies most of what her son says in the lawsuit.  She claims the device referred to as a crack pipe is actually an incense burner, and that her son is simply trying to steal her money. “I did nail that little bastard with a ball-bat, that part is true” she said.
The case will be heard in the fall.

Helium-Filled Bounce House Shot Down By Air Force Drone
Kirby Burby thought he had a great idea for his daughter’s 11th birthday party in Alvin last month: Rent a bounce house, then fill it with helium instead of plain old air.
“I figured it might try to float off, so I tied it down to some yard furniture and filled it up.” he said afterwards, “Then it took off, chairs and all, straight up into the sky.”
Luckily, no one was inside when the liftoff occurred.  The floating collection of objects was detected about 30 minutes later by the radars located at Ellington Field, and a drone was scrambled to identify the object.
Lieutenant Ken Fogelman operated the MQ-1B Predator drone which was launched to intercept and identify.
“As soon ad I got a good look at it on the screen, I knew exactly what it was,” Fogelman said, “and since it presented a navigation hazard, I blasted the shit out of it.”
The rental agency has charged Burby $4,000 in replacement costs, and he may also receive a fine up to $25,000 from the FAA.

Why is it so hard to adopt a dog from the dog pound?  I can buy a dog on Craigslist or at a pet store, and take him home right away. But when you try to adopt a pet at the pound, they are so careful about who is allowed to adopt that I am sure many people just give up and find their animals elsewhere.
I recently adopted a nice little doggle from the Humane Society in Galveston.  They were wonderful people and very helpful, but it was still a complicated procedure.  I even had to have a police officer visit my home to look around and make sure it would be a safe and proper environment for little Pookey to crap on.  The whole process took over a week.
Yeah, I know that there are some people who would adopt a pet, then mistreat it.  Nobody wants that to happen. But even with all of their caution, it will still happen sometimes.
The kind of people who make bad pet parents might not be able to get a stamp of approval from the Humane Society or the SPCA, but they will nevertheless get the pets they want, one way or another. They will buy them from dealers and private sellers. Heck, they will even steal them.
It’s normal to spend over $50 to adopt a cat from the pound. They are as careful about cats as they are about dogs.  If you can’t convince them that you are going to be a good Cat Daddy, they will not let you take one home.
Meanwhile, there are free kittens available everywhere, and nobody wants to know how many square feet of carpet that cat will have to sharpen his claws on.
You might remember Whiskerville Animal Sanctuary, the private shelter in Texas City where the animals were neglected, and a court case finally resulted in an Animal Cruelty conviction against Mrs. Wydell Dixon.
Although she was vilified in the press, Mrs. Dixon was (and is) an animal lover who spent her life savings creating a sanctuary for cats.
Unfortunately, she ran out of money and couldn’t maintain the population of animals which accumulated there. As things went from bad to worse, she couldn’t bring herself to close up and turn the cats over to another agency where some of the cats might be “put to sleep” so she tried to keep things going the best she could. Catastrophic failure was the end result.
But even when things were at their very worst, it was never easy to adopt at Whiskerville.
It ought to be very simple to adopt a cat.
If you can fog a mirror and show ID, they ought to shake your hand and congratulate you quickly, before you change your mind.
If you’re broke, they ought to let you take him free, just to get him off taxpayer support.
There is no demand for cats.  In many places they outnumber the human population.  In San Leon, there are eight cats for every person.  Cats who are homeless are referred to as “feral” cats. Most of them started off with a pink ribbon around their necks as a gift to some little brat who whined “Momma I wont a kitty!” As soon as they were big enough to piss on everything and claw up some priceless antiques, they were taken for a ride.
It ought to be easy to adopt a dog. ID and proof of address should be enough.
I realize that this would cause a few cases of animal abuse from time to time.  But isn’t that already the case?  Overall, more pets would find loving homes.
The thing that pissed me off at the pound was how many pit bulls and pit bull mixes are there.  This is because of all the morons who get a pit bull to authenticate their status as uneducated rednecks, then get evicted from the trailer park and “dump” their dog on the side of the road somewhere.
There are lots of jackasses out there who get pits bulls and intentionally train them from puppies to be mean and aggressive.
These dogs end up at the Humane Society or SPCA, where an occasional inbred fuckjob with a swastika tattoo will show up and ask if any pit bulls are available for adoption…
Hey, on second thought, maybe they should screen people who want to adopt.

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs
up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to
make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” They yell back,
“We’re not screwing!” A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!” Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!” Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!” They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young
girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were
out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once
because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’
“And so, here we are!”

There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.
So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.
The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his chest in Vaseline. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, “What in the hell are you doing?”
“The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to grow some hair”
“You idiot,” said his partner, “Think about it. If that were true you’d have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now.”

Dave and Harry were swimming. They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety. Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.
Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!
Harry: You save the mother, I’ll save the baby!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later, the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!”

Giant Ring Of Marijuana Smoke Discovered In Space
NASA astronomers have something new to look upon in the night sky, courtesy of marijuana smokers from around the world.
Sky-watchers have spotted a faint ring of gray marijuana smoke orbiting our planet.
The ring extends about half way to the moon and can only be seen through a telescope at this time.
NASA Public Affairs spokesperson Kimberly Burke issued a statement which read in part::
“We know the gas giant planets–Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune all have rings. Now our own planet has a small ring too.”
NASA scientists performed mass spectrographs on the ring and made the astonishing discovery during March.
“When someone exhales a puff of marijuana smoke, the smoke just keeps going up in the sky – apparently all the way to outer space” said Dr. Harold Druller of the Johnson Space Center’s research staff.
Astronomers believe the ring is growing every day and it will soon be visible without a telescope.

Illegal Aliens Caught Crossing Border Using Circus Cannon
In an item that qualifies for the Just When You Thought You’d Heard It All Department comes some astounding news from the city country music singer Marty Robbins sang about in his hit “El Paso.”
A member of the United States Border Patrol has informed Gator Press that he recently discovered a brand new method by which illegal aliens are entering into the U.S.
The agent said that  while he was patrolling an area down by the Rio Grande, the river that separates Texas from Mexico, he spotted a long, bright shiny object. As he looked through his binoculars he noticed that the object appeared to be a cannon, like the ones used by circus performers.
The agent said that as he sat and surveyed the situation intently, the cannon suddenly resonated with a loud boom and he actually saw a man, who appeared to be about 5-foot-2-inches tall, shoot out of the cannon and fly over the river onto the U.S. side.
The agent quickly followed the human cannonball and saw him as he hurried to get out of a huge mobile safety net that had been set up among some bushes on the US side.
The officer tried to follow him but the human cannonball jumped on the back of a waiting Harley Davidson which drove off at a high rate of speed toward New Mexico.
Officials from Mexico’s Bureau of Border Relations were asked by U.S. Immigration officials to investigate the huge cannon.
They reported that they thoroughly searched the area, and could not locate the so called circus cannon anywhere.

New Study Reveals That New Studies Are Overrated
A recent study conducted at the University of Texas has concluded that studies are really not that informative and that those who study studies, though studious, studied too much.
Speaking from his study, Professor Jason Barlow, who studied studies while a student at  East Texas Truckers Academy said:
“Studying studies, especially new studies is stupendous however, to be honest, after a few days another study, a newer study, replaces the former study, thus making the original new study no longer new; just a study.
“I confirm and concur that this new study that studied new studies is correct, however, since this article was written and subsequently published, that new study is no longer new and has undoubtedly been replaced by a newer more up to date study.”

It pisses me off when I hear someone whining about how wrong it is about gay people getting married, and the term “the sanctity of marriage” is used.
Yes, we can’t let homosexuals get married. But in all fifty states, it is legal for a murderer or a child molester to get married. Any fucked up crackhead can get married. Any variety of low life piece of shit can get hitched. But not if they’re gay, because we must protect the “sanctity” of this institution.
What in fuck is wrong with people? If this is an issue of sanctity, how about we first stop serial killers and baby rapers from getting married?
It pisses me off when I am invited to attend a seminar.  I jumped out of the rat race years ago, because I didn’t want to attend meetings with dickheads wearing suits. Now you want me to pay to get into some banquet room at a motel and listen to some bullshit spiel about the latest multi-level fuckjob scam?
I don’t care to hear about “wealth building” schemes or other methods devised to get my money out of my pockets.
Sadly, it is always a friend or relative who invites me to attend one of these scamfests.
One of the rules I live by: I refuse to attend any seminar, at any hotel, at any time.

It pisses me off when I see some clown wearing a giant belt buckle, I like to go up and ask incredulously… “Excuse me Sir, Which wrestling federation are you the champion of?”

It pisses me off when I hear some cat-lover talking about how much better cats are than dogs. Cat owners may disagree, and cite all kinds of “evidence” that cats are actually smarter because of their instinctive talents despite a stubborn resistance to training, but if a human child can’t be trained, we call him “learning disabled.” We don’t say that he’s too aristocratic to accept instruction. Cat lovers, show me some seeing-eye guide cats, and then I’ll be impressed. Until then, dogs rule.
Besides, cats tend to carry toxoplasma gondii, and I’ve already got enough things to worry about without mind-altering parasites.

It pisses me off when… A grown man starts talking about the “men’s rights” movement. Traditionally men have been protectors and benefactors of the rest of society. Like the men who stayed behind on the Titanic, we know this sometimes means we will get the short end of the stick. In fact, some of us are proud of it. It is a notion called chivalry.
Today, what we have are millions of men  who think the biggest problem with society is the loss of the white Christian male power structure. They are threatened by Muslims, feminists, blacks, atheists, gays, and any other group that threatens this supremacy. Listen up sissy boys: A feminist, Mexican, or atheist can’t stop you from being a man. Only you can do that by whining about it. Stop crying, you pussies!

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife with a puzzled look: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.” The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. I’ll be damned, you’re right, you know.”

After a long night buying a hot chick drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home.
After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nightcap…
One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked.
After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer.”, she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded Joe bewildered.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

A blonde went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn’t find anything wrong with her.
After he had explained this to her he said: “There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle”?
She said, “Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it”?
The Doctor said, “Maybe, why don’t you stop it and see if you improve”?
She said, “I can’t stop, that’s the only way my dog knows how to do it”.

A guy is sitting at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date.
He decides to go over and put the move on her.
‘I think you’re wasting your time, I’m only interested in women’ said the woman.
‘Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind’ said the guy. After ten minutes of the guy pestering her, she finally had enough.
‘OK’ said the woman ‘I’ll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can’t!’
‘OK, bartender get this lady a drink’ he said. ‘let’s see your vibrator do that?’

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
“My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
“Will you get lost kid? I’m trying to take a shit!”

A young woman in the sleazy part of old Galveston was so  depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the  harbor. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into  the water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of  the pier. He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to  live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.” The girl nodded yes.  After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would  give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and  hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her a sandwich and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until  dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she  was discovered by the captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asked. “I’ve got an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained.  “I get food and a free trip to Europe , and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure the hell  is,” the captain said. “This is the Bolivar  Ferry…”

Special Gator Press Exclusive:

Drinks are to the drinker what hooks are to a hooker. You can buy them, which requires money. Or you may get other people to buy them for you, in which case you will be expected to perform bizarre sex acts afterwards while being filmed.
Some people have learned to obtain alcohol by simply stealing other peoples drinks; getting drinks on someone else’s tab; or by appropriating abandoned drinks.
If you are too broke to supply your own drinks, you need to develop some kind of “act”.
Musicians learned centuries ago that as long as they could make noise, they would drink free. Learn to play an instrument, tell funny jokes,  how to hula-hoop, or how to ignite farts.
Your new skill will pay off when it’s time to drink!
I shouldn’t have to mention that you are not going to have any fun drinking girlie drinks.  Any heterosexual man who drinks Sex on the Beach, Hard Lemonade, or other sissy drinks should immediately switch to a more manly and powerful fuel.
If you’re going to get properly smashed, you’ll need a Designated Driver (pronounced “segregated shriver”). This is the person who remains sober and drives. Often, petty criminals work off their jail time by performing community service as designated drivers, so beware. Sometimes, others will nominate you for this task, which you must avoid. Repeat this mantra: “m 2 junka jive” and you will usually avoid this hated assignment.
Beware of bartenders, who will not serve you if you appear to be intoxicated. It is against Texas law to drink while drunk. Momentarily sober up when ordering, and speak clearly. You won’t get served if you ask her to “fish me a nutty shrink”. Look the bartender dead in the eye, and order in a deep voice, like John Wayne. Don’t thay shings like thish.
Music usually sounds “bestest” and you can dance “gooder” when you’re drunk. If there is a band playing, they will always respect your taste in music if you loudly shout for them to play something by Leonard Skinner, or CC Top. Most bands are happy to have intoxicated guys get onstage and sing, so feel free to get up there and set a good example. If you’re at a karaoke show, dazzle everyone by spinning the microphones around by the cords. Don’t select a song, pick something at random. Sing loud enough so everyone can hear you. Not everyone in the bar – everyone.
And don’t sit down, stand up at the bar like a he-man. The drunker you stand there, the longer you’ll get.
Here’s a fun bar game to play: Remove one item of clothing after each drink, and encourage others to do so. By the time you are drunk, you will be almost naked. Once you are drunk and almost undressed, you might want to get laid, simply as a time-saving device. Do not attempt to get laid by a police officer when you have been drinking, unless you are into the whole handcuffs thing. Married people always make the mistake of taking off their wedding rings when they are on the prowl. That is plain stupid. Everybody wants to hook up with married people. That’s why there’s so much divorce.
Here is the best pickup line in the world for men to use: “Get your ass in the truck, we’re leaving”. I’ve been using that one for years, and like a good hunting dog, it always fetches.

Women realize of course that drunk men are the best lovers, so they are pretty easy to get once you have a buzz. Have you noticed that when you’re intoximicated, you’re witty, intelligent, and a better dancer? Alcohol creates instant sophistication, although you won’t be able to pronounce it. I have seen Jethro Bodeen turn into James Bond after a half a scottle of botch.
The most effective seduction advice for men is to keep giving her booze until she conks out. Scientific studies have shown that women often experience more erotic pleasure unconscious than they do while awake.
When two really drunk people have sex, it is always good. Of course, when nine drunk people have sex, it is incredible.
One of the primary objectives you must always remember is this: Stay out of the back seat of police cars. If you are driving, and a cop pulls in behind you, demonstrate that you are in complete control of the vehicle by swerving left and right a few times. Prove that your brakes are in good shape by accelerating and then suddenly stopping. Flash your lights and tap the horn a few times to show that everything is in working order. Remember: It is a known fact that the faster you drive, the sooner you will get there, thus reducing your exposure time.
If you do get stopped, feel free to tell the officer you’re personal friends with Gator, and he had better back off. Try complimenting the officer, but in an indirect way, something like “your wife sure does have nice tits”. Or, you could simply offer him $5 to just “forget the whole thing”.
If you have any open alcohol in the vehicle, hide it somehow, as it makes police officers jealous. I usually conceal beer by pouring it into my bong. You can hide pints and half-pints underneath your pistol in your holster.
If you are walking, and get stopped for suspicion of public intoxication, you can easily prove you are sober by leaving the vicinity rapidly on foot. A convincing demonstration of sprinting, jumping, and climbing may convince the law to let you go on your way without any hassles.
Okay, assuming you got drunk, laid, and survived the trip home, your next consideration is the Morning After.
Hangovers are caused by drinking too slowly. A slow drinker kills brain cells slowly, and in their death-throes, they trigger throbbing headaches. Fast drinkers snuff these cells quickly, saving all this pain. If you are a slow drinker, at the end of the night, do about 3 or 4 shots quickly to mercifully euthanize these dying brain cells. You’ll often wake up with no painful memories of what happened afterwards. If you do get up with a hangover, you need to kill these suffering brain cells off immediately with some more of the “dog that bit you”.
Married people who come home drunk always make the mistake of sneaking into the house quietly. Make as much noise as possible – your rambunctious mood may be contagious. Maybe everyone will wake up and want to party with you! In fact, invite the folks at “last call” over for an after-party at your place.
The health benefits of alcohol are too numerous to be listed here, however, here are a few of the positive benefits of being shitfaced that many people do not realize:
Breast Size: Women who use alcohol more regularly are likely to have larger kazongas, and they will often display them proudly.
Income: Nearly all serious drinkers are – or later become – or previously were – or have met – wealthy bastards.
Contacts: Drinking brings one into contact with higher echelons of society, including attorneys, doctors, judges, police officers, paramedics, and jail guards.
Appearance: Drinking is essential in improving your appearance. The more drinks other people have, the better your appearance will be to them. Use alcohol’s beauty enhancing secrets to your advantage. Nearly all of the world’s heterosexual men are ugly beasts.  This is the reason alcohol was created – so that intoxicated women might drink and either find us attractive, or else simply pass out at an opportune time.
If you have aspirations for higher office, and would like to be named “Town Drunk”, I recommend starting with a smaller town than Houston, and work your way up. If you live in the city, start off as a neighborhood drunk and run with it.
Above all, be careful with booze. Never spill a drop.   GATOR

First, the back-story:

“MAY 9, 2011 Port Arthur News:

Chambers County authorities and the Texas Rangers are investigating a McFaddin Beach shooting to determine if a woman’s death was a suicide or homicide.

Chambers County Deputies were dispatched to a shooting at McFaddin Beach on Texas 87 shortly before noon on Saturday, May 7, east of Texas 124 in High Island.

The shooting occurred along the one mile stretch of beach that is in Chambers County. Upon arrival, Deputies met with Galveston County authorities, who had received the initial 911 call.

According to two people in the area, they saw a black Ford four door truck driving in the area of the beach. The truck stopped for a few minutes, and then a gunshot was heard from inside the truck. A few minutes later a white male exited the truck, screaming that his wife had shot herself. The two people in the area did not witness the actual shooting, according to a press release from the Chambers County Sheriff’s Office.

The victim was identified as Doris Blair, a 51-year-old white female, who lived in Magnolia, Texas. However, she had a Mississippi driver’s license and family in that state.

Her husband, David Taylor, a 51-year-old white male from Magnolia, was the person with Blair at the time of the shooting, according to law enforcement. He was arrested on an unrelated warrant out of Walker County, Texas. He posted bond on the warrant the next day. Justice of the Peace Yale Devillier ordered an autopsy, but the results are pending.

Chambers County Sheriff Joe LaRive stated that his office, along with the Texas Rangers are conducting a thorough investigation into the incident to determine if this was a suicide or homicide. “It could take several days for the results of all crime scene evidence processing to be finalized.”

Since then, I have found out the following:
1. Doris was planning to leave David Taylor and return to Mississippi the following Monday. He wanted her to stay, but she was steadfast. He had been physically abusive to her, and there are medical records and eyewitnesses to prove it. After meeting online, they eventually hooked up, then she came to Texas. At first things were fine, but then David starting getting “weird” according to a family member. He asked Doris to have a threesome with him and another female. He was reportedly drinking, and by one account doing some drugs as well. He sent her to the hospital once, but she later tried to cover for him. This relationship had turned bitter and angry on both sides, and a crash was coming.

2. Taylor told police he had no idea where the gun used in the shooting came from. “I never saw that gun before in my life.” When I interviewed him, I asked “Do you know where she got the gun?” and he immediately told me he couldn’t talk anymore and hung up. Well, as it turns out, the gun was reported stolen several years ago in a break-in one night up in a small east Texas town.  Coincidentally, Taylor was arrested in that same town on the same night the burglary went down. Did David Taylor steal that pistol, then use it on Doris? Or, did Doris, who had never been to Texas, come over from Mississippi one night and steal a pistol, six years ago, on the same night David Taylor was busted in the same town. Hmmm…

3. David planned the trip to the beach to try to reconcile things with Doris. But he took her to the wrong beach. Doris was a religious, old-fashioned kind of girl, and he took her to the “swingers beach” at High Island. When they got there late Friday, according to Taylor himself and another source he spoke with, they mixed up some drinks and set up camp. Soon they had a couple of topless lesbians walk up and initiate a conversation, which Taylor seemed to think was all good. But Doris didn’t swing that way, and she wanted to be elsewhere. She copped an attitude.
So when bedtime came around, she slept on the ground in the tent, and David slept in the truck.
She was apparently more intent than ever on leaving him. The next morning she was dead.

4. Police have lost track of the two witnesses, but according to the police report, it was “several minutes” after the shot was heard that Taylor suddenly burst out of his truck, frantically screaming that Doris had shot herself. Why the long delay? Was he staging the scene? Wiping the gun? Disposing of evidence? Trying to come up with a story? Making sure she was dead? “Several minutes” is an awful long time when a person has just pulled out a gun and shot themselves.

5. Two months after the crime, family members came to Texas to say prayers at the murder scene. Guess what they found? Clothing and insurance papers that belonged to Doris Blair, inside a plastic bag, along with a sinister pair of rubber gloves. So apparently, Chambers County didn’t do a very good job of processing the crime scene. Did they even test Taylor or his for gunshot residue? Probably not.

The only conclusion I can draw from this story is: If I ever decide to kill someone, I’m going to do it in Chambers County. That way I don’t have to worry about cops, forensics, and prisons.  (GATOR)

A 125 lb. capsule will be sent on a journey though space to distant solar systems in hopes of someday curing dreaded diseases.
The distance the capsule will travel will take a minimum of 300 years. When the capsule arrives, it will make itself known to any inhabitants of the Omega 2 solar system by emitting radio, light, and audio signals.
Astronomers have long believed that Omega 2 is the most likely known solar system to be inhabited by intelligent beings.
Inside the capsule aliens will find samples of incurable diseases such as SARS, AIDS, and Ebola. Pictures depicting symptoms and a map showing where Earth is located will also be included. It is hoped some distant civilization will someday arrive with cures to these deadly germs.
The capsule is the brainchild of Egdar Woji, a world famous NASA phlebotomist.

Germs from Earth will travel millions of miles through the universe in search of a cure.

A guy walks into a bar in Pasadena and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow” says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened!” “Yeah it did,” he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house.” The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife?” The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out!” “What about your friend?” asks the bartender.
“I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG”

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a certain bar in Santa Fe, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of shots of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

A blonde walks into a restaurant in Seabrook to get some dinner, and while she’s deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress’s name tag on her shirt. ”Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?”

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!'”
The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re sitting on a million bucks, but in reality, we’re just shacked up with a couple of whores.”

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, beer,” he replies, wondering what fucking difference it makes..
“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, beer does.. you should try drinking straight whiskey. It comes from the grain, and it makes things grow.”
Two months later the dude returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
“I take it you’re now drinking straight whiskey?” asked the doctor.
“Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the ole lady drinking beer!”

Jeff walks into a bar in La Porte and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hardon every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally got up enough courage to ask her out, and she said yes.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get a boner again. So I got some duct tape and taped my hooter to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Makes sense to me” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the tiniest little see-thru mini dress you ever seen.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked that poor girl right in the face!”

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar in Alvin, slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Yep. Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” then man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right side. Then I sat back down and just continued to milk her, but just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” the man says, “but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.
“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.  Some things you just can’t explain!”