Gator Press

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “ I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?”

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, “My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!”.
The cat says, “I don’t think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter.”
The penis outraged, says “At least your master doesn’t put a bag over your head
and make you do push ups until you throw up!”

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says “Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I’ve got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money.” She stands up and says, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

Two blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  “This picture looks like someone I know” she says.  The other one has a look and says, “Of course dummy, it’s ME….”

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what “shit” meant.
Thinking fast she replied “food on the table.”
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does “son of a bitch” mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says “It’s a priest.”
Next day he comes home and asks what does “fuckin'” mean. She says it means “getting dressed.”
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells “got it”. He opens the door and says “Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin’.”

A man and a woman having drinks got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse.
Look what he did to my tits!

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which is on a 1 to 10 scale.
One says, “I’d give her a 7. She’s really quite pretty.” Another agrees, and so does the third.
The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, “I’d give her a 3.”
“A 3?” says one of the three guys at the table. “She’s a real pretty girl.”
The bartender, walking away, says, “Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”
The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.
However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he’d only give her a 5.
“A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She’s absolutely gorgeous!”
The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.
“The Budweiser method?” they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.
Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three “judges” at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10.
However, carrying a case of beer past them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.
“A 7 ?!? How in the world could you give her just a 7? She’s friggin’ gorgeous!”
“Well,” says the bartender again, “I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”
“Budweiser!” says one of the guys, exasperated. “What in the hell is this ‘Budweiser method’ for rating women?”
“Well, says the bartender, “the Budweiser method for rating women is the number of those giant Budweiser Clydesdales it would take to pull me off of her!”

The meeting of The Electric Reliability Council of Texas (ERCOT) was postponed until January 15th after a power outage darkened meeting rooms on December 19th in Houston.

ERCOT manages the flow of electric power to 23 million Texas customers – representing 85 percent of the state’s electric load. Their stated goal is to provide reliability in the Texas electrical grid and minimize outages.  It seems slightly ironic that a power outage would cause them to miss a meeting.

The other day I somehow found myself at a web site called poetry.com. Apparently, the literary giants who operate Poetry.com are looking for the best poetry to publish. Just for the hell of it, and fully knowing there was some kind of scam involved, I dashed them off a quick poem, and submitted it to their contest under the pen-name “Shirley Zapinas”.

Here is the poem I submitted:

Taco pants sat on a dog yesterday…

Every now and then I am the moon
solemn and obscure behind a potted plant
with those few brave souls who can swoon
without ever leaning over at a slant.

So I must cop a baggy by hook or crook,
send bolts of lightning with a glance;
or else shut up and read a book
written by a fat man wearing plaid pants.

Perhaps I will stop speaking and scream,
walk to the edge of the sea of greed,
where pretentious poets still dream
of being published in a book none will read.

And if perchance these verses be chose,
if having words published be my luck,
then shall I remove all of my clothes,
cry out loudly that I could give a flying fuck.

if the price of the book they make is cheap
and cost me not my final dime,
then a dozen copies I shall buy and keep,
to make me laugh from time to time.
(Shirley Zapinas)

Just imagine my surprise when the Poetry.com editorial staff contacted me via email one day later to tell me that “Taco Pants Sat On A Dog”  had won their prestigious Editor’s Award, and would be featured in an upcoming book they are about to publish!
“Dear Shirley” the email said, “Your unique style and message impressed our editors, and we have selected your work to be published immediately… We are sure you will want to reserve at least a dozen copies of the upcoming book at the reduced rate of $59.95 each – they make excellent gifts.”
Some investigating turned up the fact that each book they print has about 600 poems in it. That translates to over $400,000 in sales for a press run of  7,000 copies.
The cost of the printing is about $4,000, so they can’t pay any royalties, but at least I will become a published author, and can sell my future poetry for millions.
My career as a poet is just getting started.
I have also been invited to attend the annual and prestigious International Poetry Writers Convention, a 5 day / 2 night event in Glen Falls, NY. All expenses are included (except air fare, meals, and lodging) in the $600 per person (double occupancy) fee.
So, for just $1,200 plus expenses, I can be there, hobnobbing with all of the top poets from the US, Canada, and other major cities.
Too bad I used the Shirley Zapinas moniker. If only I had used my real name… Now, I can’t go – although the editors assure me that the other poets are eagerly looking forward to meeting me (actually Shirley) for networking and socializing.
In the meanwhile, I’m going to have to buy at least a dozen books to “help cover  publishing expenses” or else Taco Pants is going to have to dismount his dog and sit on the sidelines.
I never knew becoming a famous poet was going to be so expensive, but that doesn’t matter. The main thing is that my talents have finally been discovered after all these years.

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.'” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “Now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between the holidays!”
———————————————————–
Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they are talking about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked by this act that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!’
———————————————————–
What’s the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo…
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo…
———————————————————–
Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says: “I play with mouse traps for fun.
I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,
I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times.” And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: “That’s nothing.
I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it.”
And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: “I’m going home to screw the cat.”
———————————————————–
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.“ he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them.” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.“ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price!“
———————————————————–
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, “I want to get screwed.”
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, “I really want to get screwed, bad!”
A very sexy voice replies “Just slide $20 under the door.”
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits… Nothing Happens!
He knocks on the door again, and yells out “I want to get screwed!”
The sexy voice behind the door answers, “Again?”
———————————————————–
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses.”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres. I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made treats.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that….”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the fuck up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d’ oeuvres because your married ass isn’t going to the goddamn bar! Got it, asshole?”
———————————————————–

S

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, street marijuana supplies in New York and New Jersey have reached their lowest levels ever, and panicked drug dealers are having to come to Texas and California to replenish.
The activity is stimulating the economies of both states, but may also be the cause of weed shortages reported locally.
“I ain’t been able to cop a bud in two weeks” one stoner in Pasadena reported, “My guy I normally get it from says it’s bone dry. All the Yankees has been buying it all up.”
Spot checks in New York City have prices over $100 for a one-quarter ounce bag of “dirt weed” – a commercial grade of pot which typically sells in Texas for $20-25.
“Primo” is selling for two to three times as much, if and when it can be found.
“I ran out of weed, looking for weed” one woman told a CNN news reporter.  “How do they expect us to survive?”
Compounding the problem is a shortage of beer and liquor in storm-affected areas.
There have been reports of six-packs of beer being sold for $25-30, and cheap grade whiskey at $100 per bottle.

A couple of Jersey girls on a recent visit...

Retired porn star and local folk artist Richard Rhea lives in a twilight-zone in which he can’t get pizza delivered to his home.
The Dickinson resident reported to police on November 10th that he had tried to order pizza from the League City Dominos, only to be told that he would have to call the Bacliff location, since he lives south of FM 517.
The manager of the Bacliff location informed Rhea that they do not deliver anywhere west of Highway 3, and that Rhea should try the Alvin location.  The employee who answered in Alvin said that his store does not deliver to Dickinson, and recommended Rhea contact the Texas City or Santa Fe stores.
Both of those locations also told Mr. Rhea they could not serve him.
When Richard asked the manager of the Texas City location what he ought to do, the manager reportedly told him to “Go!”
“Go where?” he asked.
“Go fuck yourself!” the manager yelled, then hung up the phone. At that point, Rhea called and reported it to the police.
A total of seven Dominos employees were arrested, charged with failing to render aid, a misdemeanor offense carrying no more than twenty years of state prison time.
Rhea was later able to get pizza delivery from another local restaurant.

Village Seafood of Dickinson finally came to Rhea's rescue, sending over this Super Deluxe, just in time for the Texans game.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, 19 men armed with box cutters directed by a man on dialysis in a cave fortress halfway around the world using a satellite phone and a laptop directed the most sophisticated penetration of the most heavily-defended airspace in the world, overpowering the passengers and the military combat-trained pilots on 4 commercial aircraft before flying those planes wildly off course for over an hour without being molested by a single fighter interceptor or air-to-ground system

These 19 hijackers, devout religious fundamentalists – who liked to drink booze at strip joints, snort cocaine, and live with pink-haired dancers – managed to knock down 3 buildings with 2 planes in New York, while in Washington a pilot who couldn’t handle a single engine Cessna was able to fly a 757 in an 8,000 foot descending 270 degree corskscrew turn to come exactly level with the ground, hitting the Pentagon in the budget analyst office where DOD staffers were working on the mystery of the 2.3 trillion dollars that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had announced “missing” from the Pentagon’s coffers in a press conference the day before, September 10, 2001.

In the meanwhile, someone in the financial markets made huge profits from these events by selling short on the stocks of the airlines involved through Deutschbank. The names of those investors have never been revealed, and a satisfactory reason for their foreknowledge has never been given.  This in spite of President Bush vowing to the nation that they would be found and face justice. Deutschbank’s CEO at the time was Buzzy Krongard, who had just taken the job after serving as Chief of Counterintelligence at the CIA.

Luckily, the news anchors knew who had committed this coordinated attack within minutes; the pundits were spinning it within hours; and the Administration confirmed within the day. The evidence literally fell into the FBI’s lap.

Obviously Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, mortal enemies, had teamed up to attack us!

Suddenly, in mere moments, all of Israel’s worst enemies became also America’s worst enemies. For this, we must bomb them back into the stone age.

But for some reason a bunch of crazy conspiracy theorists were soon demanding some kind of significant investigation into the greatest attack on American soil in history – and the greatest failure of our national defense systems since Pearl Harbor. Incidentally, it was found that the Project for a New American Century (PNAC), a group to which Cheney and Rumsfield belonged, had recently called for a “new Pearl Harbor” event to galvanize America into imperial action which would usher in a new century of American domination of the world.

The investigation of 9-11 was delayed, underfunded, set up to fail, a conflict of interest and a cover up from start to finish. It was based on testimony extracted through torture, the records of which were destroyed. It failed to mention the existence and unexplained collapse of WTC #7, Able Danger, Ptech, Sibel Edmonds, Bin Laden’s longstanding CIA affiliation, and the drills of hijacked aircraft being flown into buildings that were being simulated at the precise same time that those events were actually happening.

The Commission was lied to by the Pentagon, the CIA, and the Bush Administration.  As for Bush and Cheney, no one knows what they said, because they testified in secret, off the record, not under oath, and behind closed doors. In fact, Bush agreed to appear only if the Vice President appeared with him.

The Commission didn’t bother to look at who funded the attacks because that question was (in their opinion) “of little practical significance.”  Still, the 9/11 Commission did brilliantly, answering all of the questions the public had (except most of the victims’ family members’ questions) and pinning blame on all the people responsible (although no one so much as lost their job), determining the attacks were “a failure of imagination” because “I don’t think anyone could envision flying airplanes into buildings.” Except for the Pentagon and FEMA and NORAD and the NRO. The DIA destroyed 2.5 TB of data on Able Danger, the simulated attack that mirrored the actual attack, and occurred at the same exact time. Able Danger was a military drill on 9-11 which simulated airplane attacks by terrorist hijackers in Manhattan and at the Pentagon.

The SEC destroyed their records on the investigation into the insider trading before the attacks, but that’s OK because destroying the records of the largest investigation in SEC history is just part of routine record keeping.

NIST has classified the data that they used for their model of WTC #7s collapse, but that’s OK because knowing how they made their model of that collapse would “jeopardize public safety.“

The FBI has argued that all material related to their investigation of 9/11 should be kept secret from the public, including the Black Boxes from the planes, but that’s OK because the FBI probably has nothing to hide.

Osama Bin Laden lived in a cave fortress in the hills of Afghanistan, but somehow he got away. Then he was hiding out in Tora Bora but somehow he got away again. Then he lived in Abottabad for years, taunting the most comprehensive intelligence dragnet employing the most sophisticated technology in the history of the world for 10 years, releasing video after video with complete impunity (and getting younger and younger as he did so), before finally being found in a daring SEAL team raid which wasn’t recorded on video, in which he didn’t resist or use his wife as a human shield, and in which these crack special forces operatives panicked and killed this unarmed man, supposedly the best source of intelligence about those dastardly terrorists on the planet. When they looked around the compound, the were unable to locate any dialysis equipment. A check of the surrounding villages revealed that the nearest dialysis clinic was over 60 miles away. Apparently, Bin Laden had been cured of his acute kidney failure. The operatives then dumped his body in the ocean in the dead of night before telling anyone about it. They did this in order to comply with Islamic custom, which in fact has nothing to say on the subject of burial at sea. The body never washed ashore. Soon afterwards,  a couple dozen of that SEAL team’s members died in a mysterious helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

You now know the official story of 9/11.

If you have any questions about this story, if there are any parts of it which make you feel uneasy…you are a batshit, paranoid, tinfoil hat dog-abusing baby-hater and will be reviled by everyone.
If you love your country and/or freedom, happiness, rainbows, rock and roll, puppy dogs, apple pie and your grandma, you will never express any doubts about any part of this story to anyone. Ever.   (GATOR)

A local 17 year-old teenager from League City has been sentenced to two years in prison for building a provocative sand sculpture at Galveston Beach in May.
Gabriel Fossman was sentenced as an adult for the crime of “Felony Lewdness”, which carries up to ten years imprisonment. With good behavior, Fossman may be released on good behavior after serving only 23 months.
Fossman and an accomplice created the sculpture on May 23rd in the 5200 block of Seawall Boulevard in Galveston.  The accomplice, 67 year-old Thomas McSnagg, was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony against Fossman.  He has also been accepted into the state Witness Protection Program and will receive a new identity, a job at a strip club, and sex-change surgery. The pair were arrested after a woman confronted them at the beach and phoned police. Fossman reportedly called the woman a “dumb bitch”, and was tasered 36 times after being handcuffed by officers.

In a dramatic moment during the trial, a prosecutor brought the sculpture into the courtroom for jurors to see.
The jury of 9 women, 2 men, and one person of undetermined sex, reached the guilty verdict after deliberating for only nine minutes.

Defense attorney Buster Lipp says his client maintains his innocence and he intends to appeal the verdict.

A police officer in Houston yesterday executed a double-amputee in a wheelchair after the man allegedly threatened his partner with what turned out to be a pen.
The early-morning execution occurred in a group home, the owner of which had called police complaining that the man was causing a disturbance.
Police representatives said that when two officers arrived, the disabled man cornered one policeman and threatened him with an object.  Another officer opened fire, shooting the crippled man in the head, saying he was forced to take action, “fearing for his partner’s safety and his own safety”, after the man refused to calm down and remain still, police said. Apparently, failure to calm down and remain still, even if you have a mental illness and are physically disabled, is a capitol offense here in the Lone Star State.
It was discovered later that the object that the one-armed, one-legged, wheelchair-bound man was waving turned out to be a felt-tipped drawing pen.
Police revealed that the dead man’s name was Brian Claunch, aged in his 40s.
The officer who conducted the execution has been identified as Matthew Jacob Marin, who has been a serving police officer, and thus an heroic first responder,  for five years. He was placed on a three-day paid vacation, which is a standard procedure for all shootings linked with officers.
Marin was reportedly involved in another field execution just three years ago, when he eliminated a suspect holding a knife.
The owner of the group home, John Garcia, said that the deceased, Brian Claunch, had been living at the place for approximately a year-and-a-half, and was mentally ill in addition to having lost an arm and a leg in a railroad accident. He was confined to his wheelechair or bed.
“He sometimes would go off a bit, but you just ignore it,” Garcia told reporters.
Houston police are equipped with a variety of non-lethal weapons, which they are also trained to use. These include tasers, pepper spray, flashlights, and clubs.
Why Marin chose to kill the invalid when other options were available is not known. Why not just kick his wheelchair over and handcuff his only arm to his only leg?

A young couple who just met are out for a romantic evening walk along a country lane in Santa Fe. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this bush?”
She nods agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of her pulling her panties down. Unable to contain his thoughts a moment longer, he carefully peeks through the bushes.  In the twilight he can make just out her silhouette.
He is surprised to see a long thick appendage hanging down between her legs!
Angry, he reaches out and grabs it! This startles the girl, who says “You scared me half to death. I didn’t realize you were there!”
“Sorry” the guy says. “You scared me too. I didn’t realize you were taking a shit.”

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?”
She responds, “To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” His mind reeling, he asks, “And what do you do at this meeting?”
“Well,” she says, “We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“And what myths are those?” he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers.” “Very interesting…” the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?”
The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto……..Tonto Rubenstein.”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the ride back to town is going to cost you $25.”

A blonde decides to do something crazy she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.” Store Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. What was the title of the movie you rented?”
Blonde: “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner’

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.” As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?” She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your tit is hanging out.” She looks down and says “Oh shit! I left the baby on the bus!”

U.S. Intelligence Claims Proof That  Iran Possesses Atomic Particles
Two months after UN inspectors in Iran failed to find evidence of a nuclear weapons program, the US Department of Defense has evidence that the Middle Eastern nation has trillions of atoms – the same tiny particles sometimes used to make atomic bombs.
“Iran now possesses an alarming number of atoms within its borders, despite countless warnings from the international community,” Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta said at a press conference, as he pointed to a satellite image marked with locations where his office claims atoms are being stored. “The Iranians ckaim these atoms are only being used to form the building blocks of existence, but we know for a fact that Iranian guns and bombs are constructed out of atoms.”
The atoms were first seen in aerial photographs taken of an Iranian lavatory in central Ibinbad. When the photos were enlarged several hundred billion times, clusters of atoms were spotted in large cargo trucks parked near the facility, in storage units on the grounds, and in the pockets, shoes, clothing, hair, and skin of several persons in a parking lot.
“Security checkpoints have been unable to stop the flow of atoms into Iran,” Secretary Panetta said. “Even with the best equipment available, it is impossible to tell dangerous atoms that could be used for the purposes of mass destruction from the kind of atoms that are functioning harmlessly.”
Panetta added, “We cannot afford to let these atoms fall into, or be a part of, the wrong hands, or the smoking cloud might turn out to be a mushroom gun.”
Iranian officials claim the atoms are being used only for peaceful purposes, and that it is physically impossible for Iran or any government to create or destroy matter in order to comply with U.S. regulations. But officials in the Obama administration say this is just propaganda. An Iranian spokesman said that most Iranian atoms are privately owned, and not the responsibility of the government.
He also claimed that until recent years, most Iranians were not even aware of the existence of atoms in the country.
Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has vowed that if he is elected, Iran will have to get rid of all atoms, or face military intervention.

New book suggests JFK wasn’t shot
A controversial new book about the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy has raised questions not about the role of a lone gunman or conspiracy, but whether the late President was even shot at all.
While the book, Outside the Crosshairs, does not dispute the fact that a massive portion of Kennedy’s skull was separated from his head during the 1963 Dallas visit, it maintains that the President died of natural causes after he suffered a rare and fatal explosive cranial trauma that was unrelated to gunshots.
“Certainly extreme force was involved,” said Dr. Horace Fetters, the book’s author and a professor of forensic proctology at the Texas Institute of Technical Science. “However, none of the available photographs or footage proves that an actual bullet did anything to Kennedy. As scientists, therefore, we must consider all other possibilities, no matter how much they challenge the status quo.”
Fetters favors an explanation known as the massive-spike-in-blood-pressure theory. “It’s not completely unheard of” he says, “and we do know that Kennedy was under a lot of pressure, had eaten Chinese food the night before with Duck sauce, and had a history of high blood pressure.”
Fetters spent over ten years researching the book, which is over 300 pages in length, and about 7 inches wide.
The book is available nationwide at major book retailers and online at Amazon.com

Okay Mister Tough Guy, you roared up on your very noisy Harley and walked into the bar wearing full regalia, including a pair of jackboots Klaus Barbie would have coveted and a pair of dark “fuck off” sunglasses. You stormed up like a manly man and slammed your hairy fist on the bar and loudly named your poison: Jack and Coke.
You have got to be fucking kidding me. I’m a faithful disciple of Jack Daniels, and my fridge always has a shitload of Coca Cola, and I can see where sometimes the two might end up being mixed into a drink – by a chick or by my effeminate nephew Kirby. But why would a real he-man like yourself water down his manly-man drink with coke?
Is the whiskey too strong for you? If so, maybe you ought to go back to something that won’t upset your tummy, like milk for Christ sakes. If you’re going to drink the real shit, drink it straight like a man. If you must have the soda pop, get it on the side in a separate glass as a chaser. Sip the whiskey and, after savoring the warm glow for a bit, chase the aftertaste down. Repeat as often as necessary. That’s acceptable. It would be better of course to leave the kiddie drinks out of the equation and get a beer chaser, or no chaser at all.
If you’re mainly just trying to impress people with what a badass you are, that’s the way to go. And don’t spout off with that bullshit about how you really like the taste of Jack and Coke together. I bet I could switch the bourbon out for some Evan Williams and you wouldn’t guess it in a million years. If you were drinking your hooch straight, the way God intended, you’d know the difference before you even tasted it.
If you’re going to have a cocktail, use a cocktail liquor like rum, gin, or vodka. Nobody thinks you’re a tough guy when they see you watering down good whiskey with carbonated kool-aid. It makes you look like a jackass. As cowboys say, you’re “all hat & no cattle.”
The above applies to all top shelf whiskeys. Make mine straight.

The Occasional Idiot:
In America, everyone is free to be whatever kind of idiot they want. This gives us a panorama of imbecility; a smorgasbord of stupidity unmatched in most of the world. Since morons come in so many flavors, it might be helpful if there was a list of things to help you identify an idiot. If there were such a list, these would be some of my contributions:
~ If you’re sitting at the bar, and a chick says that she’s looking for a man who can just be honest, and “be himself” (whatever in the fuck THAT means) – and you notice that she’s wearing false fingernails, eyelashes, hair, and boobs – she is probably an idiot.
~ The guy who tipped the stripper $100 and thought he would be getting lucky is an idiot.
~ The guy on the crotch-rocket who just drove past doing 100 mph is an idiot.
~ The chick who bitches about how slow the service is, then takes five minutes to decide what she’s drinking is an idiot.
~ The person who gets up in a club to sing karaoke and sings Amazing Grace is an idiot.
~ If you know someone who has a job that requires him to work for a couple of hours in the morning, then go home, then come back the same day to work a couple more hours – that person is an idiot. Unless he’s getting paid $100+ an hour – in which case he is a politician, which is to say, he’s still an idiot.
~ The dude at the convenience store holding up the whole line while he buys scratch & sniff lottery tickets is an idiot.
~ The lady dressed as a man dressed as a woman is not an idiot, she’s just stone crazy. However, the guy dating her is an idiot.
~ The drunk chick yelling at mister Police Officer is an idiot.
~ Often enough, the drummer is an idiot.
~ And most of all, that guy across the bar – who won’t stop running his mouth and talking shit – he is an idiot.

Kiss my ass:
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

In touch…
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says “WHAT??” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We’ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.” The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband says,” no – no – no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Sex education:
A man and his son are talking, when his son asks him “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The Dad, confused, asks him “before or after sex?” The kid says “Ummm before sex.” So the dad says to him “Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with soft pink petals?” “Yeah” says the son. “Well what about after sex?” he says to his dad. His dad replies “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”

Ouch.
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, “I’m sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

Final message
Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read aloud, “Move your foot you stupid asshole, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

Fairy tale:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t fucking think so.

Set her back out there.
One Cajun is working on his boat. Two other Cajuns came up and said, “Boudreau! We got some good news an’ some bad news fo’ you.”
Beadreaux said, “Oh shit! Giv me dat bad news first.”
“We just come down from da bayou. Yo wife she floatin’ face down in it – she musta drown cause she sho is dead!”
Beadreaux said, “No! No! Oh man… dat terribile news. Wat da good news?”
“When we fine her, she had bout fifteen of dem big blue crabs on her! We gonna set her out again in the mornin’!”