UFOs / Flying Saucers are in the immediate vicinity

A careful examination of this photo, taken in San Leon, shows what appears to be three flying saucers.

The US Government is never going to disclose what really was found at Roswell, New Mexico in 1951, when a “flying disk” containing 4 small humanoids crashed there. The Army Air Force initially reported the crash of a UFO and the recovery, then later retracted the story. As a former military newsman, I can assure you that something like this would never have been given out to civilian news outlets until it had been confirmed. The public affairs officer at Roswell Army Air Field verified the facts before releasing them to the wire services, where the story made front page news across the US.
What they Army found at the crash site was reportedly some little guys about 4 feet tall, with very pale skin and huge eyes. Others have seen the same kind of little guys since then. They’re called “Gray Aliens” by UFO conspiracy theorists.
But they are not from outer space. They are actually from Earth.
The skin with no pigment and the large eyes indicate a subterranean creature, living in near complete darkness. These fellows die quickly in direct sunlight, which is exactly what happened to two of the humanoids who were reportedly still alive for awhile after the crash.
The craft they were in was small, and very lightweight. Not the sort of thing you would travel through space in. When you consider that the nearest habitable planet for humanoids is 300 light years from here, the idea that they would fly a tiny ship such a vast distance seems unlikely. Humanoids require food, water, sleeping quarters and other things, especially on a 300 year voyage.
The saucer at Roswell came from Earth, as do all flying saucers.
Here are a few of the logical reasons to believe this is so:
1. Sir Edmund Halley, the mathematician and astronomer who first discovered Halley’s Comet, proved that the Earth is hollow. He did so by measuring the mass of the Moon based on the tides, and comparing it to the mass of the Earth. His calculations prove that the Earth must be at least partially hollow. His work was commended by Isaac Newton and others, and remains provable.
2. Mass UFO sightings only started 2 weeks after the first Atomic bombs were exploded. Sightings have always been more common in areas where nuclear tests occur. That’s because these explosions shook the Earth, and the people who live below noticed it, and decided to investigate.
3. Reliable UFO sightings have always occurred at low altitudes, low enough for humans to breathe without bringing oxygen. UFOs operate in the same range as helicopters. Obviously they are made for low altitude surveillance. The disk shape is not desirable for travel through space, but is perfect for providing maximum lift with minimum power, as any Frisbee enthusiast will tell you. This is a design which was created specifically for use in an atmosphere.
4. Sightings of “alien” humanoids are always described as hairless. The lack of hair indicates they live in a place where there are no temperature extremes. That’s exactly the environment that is likely to exist below.
5. Credible sightings occur at night. That’s because the little guys down below are blinded in sunlight, but they see clearly in darkness. Their eyes have evolved to function in a realm where there is very little ambient light. In fact, bright light is a weapon to our underground friends, and they have been known to use it. There have been numerous UFO reports in which bright light was reportedly used to disorient witnesses. In fact, the only “weapon” these guys have ever been known to use against humans is light.
6. Every human civilization has stories of the little people who live below.
There are more reasons to believe in an underground race of humans than there are to believe they have come here from another planet.
So we have no need to fear visitors from outer space, at least not at this time. But it might be a good idea to realize the true nature of UFOs and the little aliens who drive them. They might have some technology which could keep us from totally wrecking our planet, and make our lives better. Or maybe they will just kill us.
Either way, they are our neighbors and we do have common ancestors.  (GATOR)

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Make me laugh…

Dave is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way.
He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two beautiful ladies a drink.”
The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave, with a confused look on his face says, “I don’t care what you think, I want to buy those ladies a drink.”
The bartender delivers drinks to the ladies and the women acknowledge their drinks with a nod of their heads.
Twenty minutes later, Dave approaches the ladies and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”
One of the ladies said, “It won’t do you any good.”
Dave says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”
The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”
Dave asks, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”
The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick pussies.”
Dave says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

Buddy and Earl were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Buddy glanced over and noticed that Earl’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Buddy said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Earl said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Buddy said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Earl said.
“Straight, like normal,” Buddy said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Earl said.
Buddy finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
“What did you do that for?” Earl said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Buddy said. “Like normal.”
“Fuck!” Earl said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it out like a dishrag!”

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend in a hotel.
After having great sex, the girlfriend spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles – something she loved to do.
As the man was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?”
“Because” she replied, “I really miss mine.”

Mike and Frank are sitting in a bar sipping Johnny Walker Black Label when Frank noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner.
As he was getting up to talk to her the bartender said, “Hey don’t worry about her, she is a lesbian!”
Frank, “Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them,” and he stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table.
Then stepping forward in a very sexy voice he said, “Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?”

Jerry walks into a bar ordered two shots of vodka. He drank the first and poured the second over his right hand.
Then he ordered another two shots of vodka, drank one and tipped the other over his right hand.
After watching Jerry do the same thing for third time, the bartender asked, “Why do you keep wasting good drink?”
Jerry slurred, “If you must know, I am trying to get my date drunk.”

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Make me laugh & I will buy you a beer…

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you want to break down and cry!”
This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just there for decoration!”

How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again until we get it right.
A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.
And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

Doctor, “What seems to be the problem?”
Patient, “Doc, I’ve got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,”
The Doctor nods, “Hmm.”
Patient, “My farts do not stink and you can’t hear them. It’s just that I fart all the time. Look, we’ve been talking here for about 10 minutes and I’ve farted five times. You didn’t hear them and you don’t smell them, do you?”
“Hmm,” says the Doctor,
He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled “Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?”
“No,” sighs the Doctor, “The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Your nose must be all stopped up. And next week I want you back here for a hearing test.”

A man is taking a woman home after their first date. When they get to her door, he asks if he can come inside.
Woman: Absolutely not. I never ask a guy to come in on the first date.
Man: All right then how about on the last date?

A little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received. When it was the new boy, Johnny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked ” Do you know what it is?” Johnny replied “No.” The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.” Little Johnny did so. The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?” Little Johnny said “Noooo.” The teacher said, “I’ll give you a hint….it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams.

Pastor: Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?
Johnny: Sure, out in back of the church yard.

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken

Q. What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They’re both empty from the neck up.

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Hands Off My Happy Hour

Nobody should be allowed to use the term “Happy Hour” unless they serve booze.
It pisses me off to see a daycare center with a “happy hour” sign – unless they’re willing to serve up some liquor to the parents, in which case I’d be more inclined to allow it.
Taco Bell, that authentic taste of Old Mexico, has now introduced “happy hour” – I’m not sure what it is, but you can bet your ass there’s no alcohol involved.
Starbucks now has a happy hour. But they still don’t serve any kind of booze.  There are an untold number of restaurants which advertise their version of happy hour, with not one drop of John Barleycorn on the premises.
So how in the Sam Hell can they call it happy hour, when there isn’t anything happy about it? Happy Hour with no liquor is like sex without the girl; a bank account with no money; Stevie Ray without his guitar.  It’s going to be a pretty lame happy hour without the juice, is it not?

Starbucks has introduced a lame yuppie version of Happy Hour for suburban Mollies & Milktoasts...

The phrase “Happy Hour” was first created by sailors in the British Navy. For one hour a day before “taps” sent them to their bunks, the sailors would get their ration of grog and have a little drinking party on the main deck.
It was always about the grog., and skippers who didn’t give out the sauce didn’t have any happy hours, just a gang of sullen angry guys with bad attitudes. Can you blame them?

"Happy Hour at Home" with no booze, and also no meat. WTF is wrong with this picture? Has Happy Hour turned into a schmuck in a bow tie with some veggies, at home?

There are even churches with happy hours now.  One advertises this: “Our Happy Hour gatherings include informal networking time and an opportunity to relax after the work day.”
First and fucking foremost, it’s hard to relax inside of a church. Next you’ve got all of these bastards trying to “network” with you. That’s gotta be as bad as a swarm of angry mosquitoes. And finally, there’s no booze.
Why would you willfully and intentionally subject yourself to such torment?
I guarantee you, I could do a lot better at “informal networking” – if I cared to do so – at any neighborhood watering hole.  The glow of cocktails lubricates the process, making it easy to make connections.
As for relaxing after the work day, that just ain’t going to happen at church. How am I supposed to relax, when lightning from heaven may strike me dead at any moment?
Oh sure, lightning can theoretically strike me down at the corner pub, but have you ever seen it happen? I haven’t.

Happy Hour at 8 in the morning, with Jesus, no booze, and a guy who looks like a pro wrestler passing on marching orders from the almighty... sounds like a real blast... You go on ahead, I'll catch up with you...

All of these phony happy hours irritate me. It makes me want to walk in the place and order a shot of Bombay Sapphire. “Calling Dr. Bombay, come in Dr. Bombay…”
Another baronym (bar word) that’s being misappropriated is “shot” – as in, “gimme another shot of that rotgut horsekiller whiskey.”
These days, you can get a “shot” of energy drink, juice, coffee, and yogurt.  None of them have a trace of alcohol in them.
Is nothing sacred anymore? Will “happy hour” degenerate into some stupid fucking Walt Disney family-friendly hour of spending money without relaxing?  How can a tradition so pure and good be abducted by the soul-less corporate automatons who scrabble over your last twenty bucks?
If I ever decide to have a “happy hour” at my printing shop, there will be plenty of booze and mixers. That’s what happy hour means.

Some of you ignorant Yankee yuppies out there might go down to the smoothie shop at happy hour and do a couple of shots of some fruity boozeless cocktail.
Then you can get up on your hind legs and pretend like you’re supposed to be a real man.
I‘ll be keeping it real, Happy Hour that is, down at the local bar…


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Move over, asshole!

It is now against the law to get in the passing lane and drive at the speed limit in Texas – that’s the left-hand lane for those of you who are too dumb to know that. The police are out writing tickets at this very moment.
I hope they catch you, you son of a bitch. I hope the cops see you in your stupid dually roadhog – which you can’t even drive worth a shit – tooling down Gulf Freeway going 56 mph in the passing lane, and pull you over.
While you’re blocking everyone else who is actually trying to get somewhere, you’re all spaced out, talking on your Galaxy phone and sending tweets out to your twats or posting your lame loser status on Facebook.
Can’t you move that goddamned behemoth over into the slow lane (that would be the right lane) and creep along where you’re not stopping me and everyone else? Must we all rust up while we dawdle along behind you?
You might not realize it, but the rest of us driving down the road are not on a fucking sightseeing trip. We’re not out there driving just to catch a glimpse of the beautiful sunset silhouetting the refinery towers. We’re driving because we are going somewhere where we can drink, smoke, fuck, talk, eat, make money, and buy shit, you slowpoke fuckhead.
I hope they pull you over and strip search you on the side of the road.
I hope you forget your court date, a warrant is issued, and they serve that warrant at your job, where everyone can see how you look in a pair of handcuffs. Then, I hope they put you in a filthy cell with a big mean hairy tattooed parole violator with a fucked up nickname like “Mister Happy” or “Bang Bang.”
It‘s no longer legal for you to get over to the left and say to yourself “I‘m doing the speed limit, so back off motherfuckers.” The great State of Texas has decreed that those of us who haul ass should have the exclusive use of the fast lane. So please move out of the way, lardass. I ain’t got no time to waste.
Trust The Fonz:
Hi senior citizen, it’s your friendly banker here, and have I got a deal for you.
Remember how I financed your house for you? Remember how you paid me a total of $450,000 for a house that appraised at less than one-fourth of that amount?
Remember how I told you that a home was the best investment you could ever make?
Well, now I am ready to buy that house from you for a whopping $35,000! Yep, isn’t that great news? It’s a new thing we call a “reverse mortgage” and you might have noticed a bunch of has-beens on TV talking about it, trying to sell you on the idea.
Fred Thompson, Robert Wagner, and even the Fonz are all selling reverse mortgages. So you know it has to be a good thing.  Of course, none of them has signed up for one…
The fact is, these are tough times for bankers. We’ve managed to devour almost all of the pensions and retirement plans in America, and we have screwed the working man until he really ain’t got a pot left to piss in.
So now we must turn our sights to seniors, who are the last segment of society that holds any significant wealth. Most of that wealth is tied up in family homes, so that is what we’re now going after.
Luckily for us, the US government is allowing us to get away with a greedy scheme which might eventually become the largest collective fuck-job ripoff in history.
Basically, the way it works is, we send you a check every month for a couple of hundred bucks while we wait for you to die. You still have to pay the taxes, insurance, and upkeep on the property, so your net is going to be pretty close to zero. Then, as soon as you’re dead, we swoop in and take possession. You won’t have to worry about your heirs fighting over the house, because we will get it.
Then, we will slap a coat of paint on it, sell it for a half-million to the next moron to come along, and then steal it back from him as soon as he gets old and realizes he can’t live on Social Security either.
So, in the final analysis, you were merely renting that house from me. It was mine before you bought it, it was mine while you were paying on it, and it will be mine when you’re dead and gone. So shut up and sign.
Line up, senior citizens, and sell the family legacy for chump change to a guy who hopes you won’t live much longer.


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Rockabilly Pioneer Alvis Wayne – Bacliff, Texas

Alvis Wayne Samford was born in Puduka, Texas on New Year’s Eve of 1937 to Alva and Nona Samford. He was the oldest of five children.
Music was to become an important part of Alvis’ life. He pulled corn all summer on his aunt and uncle’s farm to earn enough money for his first guitar. Alvis was ten years old when his aunt ordered him one from the Sears & Roebuck Catalogue for $18.98. He taught himself how to play. The first song he knew all the chords to was ‘Goodnight Irene’.
Soon, in the evening and on weekends, Alvis was performing in honky tonks and nightclubs for little more than beer money when local musician Tony Wayne (no relation) approached him about being front man. Tony had a group called the Rhythm Wranglers.
Alvis told me in an interview several years ago “My mom and dad were not very happy about me going out on the road, but I had an opportunity to do so with a band, which was the only thing I ever wanted to do. They weren’t happy at all and we talked about it for several days but I just had to go, and they eventually went along with it all and didn’t hold me back.”
Alvis’s first record was pressed at King Records in Cincinnati in both 45 and 78 rpm formats. Despite frequent local airplay it never really got mush play outside of the southeast Texas area, selling probably no more than two thousand copies. Two months later he returned to the studio for his second session. ‘Don’t Mean Maybe Baby / I’d Rather Be With You’ was to be Alvis’s biggest record. Released in late 1957, it contained some great vocal work  as well as inspired guitar and piano work. His early work had a great influence on other artists.
But the record was not a giant hit, and Alvis had to earn a living. He soon got married, started a family and enlisted in the Air Force. By the mid sixties Alvis had settled down in Bacliff and was working for Braniff Airlines. His music seemed forgotten.
Then, in 1974, Rollin Rock Records sought out Alvis Wayne. He recorded three new sides just singing and accompanying himself on guitar. It was a hit in England. Rollin Rock Records then bought out Alvis entire collection of singles to compile an album. As the rockabilly revival gathered momentum in the late 70s, many of the pioneers like Alvis were rediscovered.
“If I could go back and change anything I would never have got married the first time and I wouldn’t have had to worry about all that family stuff I gave up my music for, and I just might have made it. But I just couldn’t keep my self from falling in love.” (Alvis says his first wife cut up all of his scrapbooks, which were full of photos, newspaper articles etc.)
In September 1994, Perry Williamson of ‘Pink & Black Records’ fame decided that one of his newest ventures would be to issue an Alvis Wayne album, something that had never been done before. With the help of Ronny Weiser and John Beecher, the LP collected together all of his Westport and Rollin’ Rock material.
Alvis had become the subject of a cult following in the United Kingdom, where his singles were in great demand. When he finally went there to appear live, a sold out crowd of 40,000 Londoners attended. He was greeted at Heathrow airport by thousands of fans, and quickly ushered into a cream-white limousine.
Later that year, he was inducted into the Rockabilly Hall Of Fame.
It was as famous as he would ever be.
Alvis Wayne settled in Bacliff, Texas, where he was a popular member of the Fraternal Order Of Eagles, and served at various times as Trustee, President, and Treasurer. He also hosted jam sessions there that were sometimes magical events, featuring some of the best talent in this part of Texas. He passed away on July 31, 2013 at the age of 75 at his home in Bacliff.
His influence lives on in younger musicians who learned from his licks.


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Karaoke singer signs with Columbia Records

Brenda Starr has reached the pinochle of success after signing a record deal with Columbia Records.

Local karaoke singer Brenda Starr announced this month that she has signed a contract with Columbia Records.
Starr is known for her stirring and seemingly interminable rendition of “The Rose” and her saucy stylization of the song “Fancy” first made famous by Reba McIntyre.
She has been known as much for her onstage antics and showmanship as for her singing. Starr often flashes her tits and makes sexual peccadilloes to the audience.
Her outfits are typically skin-tight and brightly colored, and her fans (both of them are males) never know what to expect.
Columbia, which is now fully owned by the Sony Corporation, remains the world’s largest recording company.
Terms of the contract signed by Starr were not immediately available, but it is believed that Columbia will send Starr 6 CDs for $1, after which she must purchase six of them at the regular price during a 12 month period.

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I can’t feel right until these questions are answered about 9-11….

The 9-11 tragedy really has more questions than answers. Everybody knows Rosie O’Donnell is a dumb bitch, but there are still some valid questions that persist. They are mostly “why” questions. See how many of them you feel might have a rational explanation:
WHY were there no windows on the planes that struck the WTC? Witnesses told investigators the planes had no windows. The photos and videos clearly show planes without any windows striking the World Trade Center. Where are the windows?
WHY did the security company responsible for the WTC remove the bomb-sniffing dogs from duty on September 6 – five days before the attack? That company, incidentally, was run by Marvin Bush, brother of the President.
WHY did asbestos-coated steel supports designed to withstand temperatures in excess of 3,000 degrees quickly collapse in the 600 degree temperatures jet fuel burns at?
WHY was Haji Hansour, alleged pilot of the plane that hit the Pentagon, able to execute a 330-degree turn and flawlessly fly a Boeing 757 two feet off the lawn to hit the Pentagon – after being kicked out of flight school for being unable to handle a single-engine Cessna?
WHY have there been no clear pictures or videos of a plane hitting the Pentagon – arguably the place on Earth with the most surveillance cameras?
WHY was a plane which was over 100 feet wide, with two massive six-ton titanium engines, able to completely disappear into a hole in the Pentagon less than 15 feet wide?
WHY were many passengers supposedly able to make cell phone calls from 32,000 feet – a feat which has been proven to be impossible by multiple scientific investigations?
WHY has not one single person who received a 9-11 cell phone call come forward to simply show their phone bill, to prove the call actually happened?
WHY did Solicitor General Ted Olsen claim his wife called him collect from the plane, when this is impossible to do. WHY did he later change his story twice?
WHY are more than half of the accused hijackers named and shown on TV known to be persons who are alive and well, and presently living in Saudi Arabia?
WHY is it that none of the hijackers were listed as passengers aboard any of the planes, and every passenger has been accounted for. How were 19 Arabs without tickets, who were not on the passenger lists, able to sneak aboard the planes?
WHY in the poor-quality video of Bin Laden admitting that Al Qaeda planned the attacks, is he seen writing with his right hand, when he is known to be left-handed?
WHY did the BBC report building #7 had collapsed nearly a half-hour before it collapsed, while the building still stood in the background of the reporter? How were they able to predict this? It’s not the kind of thing you err about, so where did this advance information originate?
WHY was the US Military holding military exercises simulating mass hijackings on 9-11?
WHY did Vice President Cheney (according to Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta) order an aide not to shoot down the plane that then struck the Pentagon?
WHY did people and corporations who made thousands of stock trades which profited off what had to be advance knowledge of the tragedies of 9-11 never face justice?
WHY did the government claim the trades were made “anonymously” when no such method of stock trading exists or ever has existed in the United States?
WHY did former President George Bush Sr. meet with Osama Bin Laden’s brother, Salem Bin Laden, in Washington DC on September 10th, the day before the attacks?
WHY did federal agents shut down over 500 Arab websites just three days before the attacks?
WHY was Saddam Hussein blamed for 9-11, when he was known to be marked for death by Osama’s Al Qaeda group?
WHY did Bush lawyer James Bath tell Taliban officials two months before 9-11 that the US
would bury them under a “carpet of bombs” if they did not sign a pipeline deal with Unocal?
WHY did Unocal executive Hamid Karzai get appointed President of Afghanistan?
WHY did the Secret Service not whisk the President to a safe location immediately when the attacks began, instead waiting 45 minutes for him to finish reading a book about a goat?
WHY, with one hour and twenty minutes notice, was the United States unable to get a single fighter jet into the air over the US capitol to protect the Pentagon?
WHY were the suicidal hijackers said to be religious men willing to die for their faith – yet allegedly spent lots of time hanging out in topless clubs and drinking – forbidden by Islam?
WHY was the top hijacker Mohammed Atta spotted on the yacht of Republican super-crook Jack Abramoff shortly before the 9-11 attacks occurred?
WHY was the Bin Laden family protected and allowed to leave the US after the attacks?
WHY did Bush and Cheney vehemently oppose the 9-11 Commission?
WHY did Bush refuse to testify under oath, and only agreed to testify if Cheney was with him?
WHY did FEMA set up a full-scale disaster recovery team in Manhattan the day before 9-11?
WHY did Israeli employees of Odigo receive text warnings 2 hours before the attacks?
WHY did the FBI prevent the NTSB from investigating the crash sites?
WHY are the black boxes from all the planes still missing?
WHY did Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announce on the day before 9-11 that over $2 billion of Pentagon funds were somehow unaccounted for?
WHY were two US Navy carrier groups and 17,000 US troops presciently sent to the middle east a few weeks before the attacks?
WHY was AWOL US Naval Intelligence Officer Delmart Vreeland able to warn of the attacks four months ahead of time, with a document placed in a sealed envelope inside of a safe in a Canadian prison which wasn‘t opened until after the attacks?
WHY was the largest gold reserve in the US lost under the WTC rubble?
By far the biggest question is, WHY are so many otherwise intelligent Americans willing to believe the “official” version, when it is so obviously flawed? Why are they able to ignore these questions and blindly accept what us Texans refer to as a pile of bullshit?
If there were a couple of unanswered questions, I could accept that. But there are too many.
This thing stinks. Somebody’s pissing on my head and telling me it’s raining. Put me on the list of people (with that fat bitch Rosie) who think it was an inside job.


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Gifts I Didn’t Want

this was amusing for the first three minutes...

Before anyone thinks, “Okay asshole. You get nothing next Christmas!” please realize that I don’t want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here. I’m all grown up and have a nice career. If I need something, I don’t ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult. What do I want for Christmas? I don’t know….sleep I guess. What I can tell you is this: Here are some things that I got, but didn’t want this holiday season:

Novelty Boxer Shorts:  
Unless the woman you’re trying to seduce has a fantasy about sex with a clown, there’s no reason to own underwear covered in images of  Homer Simpson or Charlie Brown. “But it’s a holiday theme!” Yeah, right.

then there was this handy little gadget, a gift from my wife...

The “Publishing For Dummies” book
I know that scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that aren’t tangible like “running” or in this case, “spitting in my face,” but I must say, you’ve come close with your choice to give me this “For Dummies” book. I know you don’t understand what I do for a living, but what in the world have I done to earn this dubious distinction? Why not just give me a job application to Wal-Mart?

this one is still in the box. Somehow, I have managed to go on living without it...

The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I can’t honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my hatred of cats. We’ve all been there, but next time you’re picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, just grab some beer. And if you don’t mind, grab the mail on the way in.

These were actually pretty good. I just picked up a big handful of peanut butter in one hand, and jelly in the other, and ate my hands!

The DVD first season of Matlock
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the court’s time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information?

Maybe I'm not as much of a "hat person" as I thought...

The tiny gift card for the expensive store
Wow, $10 at Neiman Marcus! Now if I can just scrape together another $50 out of my own pocket, they’ll let me lie on the floor while the janitor pisses on me!

I admit to being a lazy bastard, but this was a bit too much...

The charitable donation made in my name
What, am I fucking dead? Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesn’t work like a gift card. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, you might buy me some of that booze made by monks.

This was from my Mom, who apparently buys gifts on late-night TV...

The hobby starter set
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury I’m going to have soon and don’t know about yet? If ever the day arrives that I’m reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days chasing bugs around with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.

a stocking stuffer I will never forget...

The cult book
Yes, I’ve heard of The Secret and honestly I’m glad you’ve found something to distract you from the fact that you‘re a fucking loser. However, I am not ready to drink the poison kool-aid, and would appreciate it if you would not use the holiday as an opportunity to try to infect me with your belief in invisible entities with super powers who plan to kill me!

I keep this right next to my bed, so I can wake up and cook breakfast in bed...

On the positive side, thanks for the great shirt, the coffee mug, and the heavy duty nose-hair trimmer. All of them are already making themselves useful!


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Make me laugh & I’ll buy you a beer…

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly.
“In this country … we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives …
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and masks over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend said: ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4′ stilettos and mask. He said, ‘You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.’
The mistress stated: ‘Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.’
The married one then said: ‘The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, ‘Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?’

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment. “I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.” “Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. “If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?”
Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite!!! Teacher: “What about you Peter? How would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?” Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper. ”

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window…He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. “Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, “Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies, “Yes, catching crabs – that’s why I’m here!”

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No”, he replies,
“I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says,
“A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties…” The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man explains, shaking the watch, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

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