Police Search For Suspect Who Crapped in Washing Machine
Dickinson Police are investigating the possibility that a homeless person has been taking care of his bathroom needs in the laundry room of a local apartment complex.
According to police reports, a resident at the Piney Oaks Apartments returned to the laundry room on November 3rd to find a man sitting on a washing machine she had been using, which still contained a load of her clothes. When the man said “excuse me” the victim left the laundry and returned to her apartment, where she notified her husband.
The woman’s husband was reportedly afraid to confront the man alone, so he called police. By the time officers were able to respond, the suspect had left a surprise in the washer and departed.
Police are looking for a suspect described as 45-50 years of age, possibly homeless, last seen wearing a ragged brown Aggies jacket and a Red Man Tobacco baseball cap.
Massive Marijuana Stash Slowly Going Up In Smoke
West Cove is a little dot on the map near Beaumont. The police in West Cove consist of one officer, Police Chief Nick Gonadino. In April, Gonadino stopped a semi-trailer containing 20 tons of marijuana. Since that time, the stash has been stored in the tiny jail at West Cove. With the jail full, Gonadino has quit patrolling and making arrests.
“I have to protect this evidence, and supervise the controlled burning of it” Chief Gonadino said. Because his department does not have an incinerator, the illegal weed must be burned by hand, using a barbecue pit located behind the station. Recently an unfavorable wind filled a nearby convenience store with fumes from the burning, causing them to sell out of potato chips.
Patrons were seen giggling and cavorting nude in the incident. Gonadino downplays any hint of danger to the public, however. “Hey man, so maybe some people are gonna get mellow and cop some munchies. Ever since that truck got here, things are like, really groovy in West Cove. The scene is like, really out of sight.” Gonadino says that numerous spectators attend the daily burnings, even though the fumes are very strong.
Newspaper Sued For Libel and Slander by BASTARDS
A small newspaper in the bayside communities of Galveston County has been sued by a group of stupid busybodies called the Bayside Association to Stop Tobacco And Related Dangerous Substances (BASTARDS).
The lawsuit claims the paper libeled and slandered these stupid crooks.
According to documents obtained at the courthouse, the members of the anti-smoker group are alleging that the Seabreeze News made “derogatory and libelous” statements about officials of the organization both “knowingly and intentionally” in an issue published in April of this year.
The newspaper reported on allegations of vote-fixing, under-the-table deals, and malfeasance. The story stated that the BASTARDS were inherently dishonest, and that residents no longer trust the BASTARDS. Some citizens, the paper said, think the BASTARDS ought to face criminal charges and jail time. The paper also said the greedy fuckers were stealing funds.
Attorney Basil Boner Jr. filed the lawsuit on behalf of the BASTARDS on November 3rd. The blood-sucking plaintiffs seek an undisclosed sum of cash and printed retractions.
Legal observers anticipate that the suit could be expanded to include additional publications who may carry derogatory stories about the BASTARDS.
It is against state law for a newspaper to say that the dishonest thieving fuckers are screwing the shit out of everybody, and any publisher who does so runs the risk of being sued by these crooked sons of bitches.
