My Idea of a Stimulus Package…
Things could be much worse. The last time a depression smacked this country down, you couldn’t legally buy any alcohol. Instead, the average Joe had to deal with an underground economy, the speakeasies and bootleggers; and it should be noted that the booze industry was the only one that truly boomed during the Great Depression.
Which leads me, by way of my own brand of tortured logic, to believe that it up to us drinkers to get this current economy back on its feet. If not us, who? Let’s be frank: teetotalers are a pessimistic and morbid lot. What do they care if the economy goes to hell? Their lives suck anyway, so what’s one more shadow in their pit of gloom?
We drinkers, on the other hand, are the personification of optimism and hope. When Ike smashed ashore and everything went to hell, which group kept their wits about them and organized havens of civility and order? The bars and the drinkers, that’s who.
Historically, drinkers have always held high the torch of hope where others fell into despair and whimpered for mercy. Sometimes it meant setting things on fire with the same torch, but that was just to wake those gloomy bastards up. Yes, it is plain we must stagger forth to inspire the country with our natural confidence and cheer.
We must be boozed-up Churchills defiantly flinging empty bottles at the encroaching darkness; we must be rum-emboldened John Paul Joneses informing the bouncers of doom that while they may well have us in a masterful headlock, we have not yet begun to fight.
The watchwords of the day should not be “Who is John Galt?” but rather “Go tell it to the drinkers.” We’ll set them straight, especially if they’re buying.
That’s not to say the government can’t pitch in. There are several constructive things they could do to help:
Allow drinking on the job. So long as there isn’t risk to life or limb involved, workers should be allowed to have at it while on the clock. A sixer of beer on every desk, a full bottle of vodka in every watercooler, a giddy smile on every face. A great fleet of portable bars and undeportable bartenders should roll through every office building and factory like great harbingers of hope.
Imagine the inspiration and motivation this would unleash. Guys would be storming into work 15 minutes early, practically demanding to get down to business.
Force bars to stay open 24/7. That whole “last call” thing plainly smacks of defeatism. Millions of new bartending, cocktail waitress and cab driver jobs would open up, and it would foster a real sense that the nation is ready to get rolling again, at any possible moment. It would create more opportunity for entrepreneurs to hatch those brilliant schemes that can only be incubated in bars, like topless golf courses and edible swimsuits.
Every worker receives a six-pack, jug of wine or bottle of liquor with each paycheck. The effect would be immediate. It would not only serve to rid the workforce of a great deal of stress, it would instill massive amounts of consumer confidence. There’s nothing like a belly full of booze to make you want to go out and spread some of the wealth around.
Raise the DUI level from .08 to .15 after 9pm every day. This will provide a window of opportunity to increase sales without endangering the church folks, who are supposed to be at home sleeping or watching American Idiot.
At .15 blood alcohol content, a woman is quite capable of saying “no” based on research I have conducted. At .08, she isn’t yet capable of saying “yes”. There should be a happy medium we can agree on somewhere.
Arise, ye drinkers. This country needs us now more than ever before. It is only us who know that the glass is not half-empty or half-full, it just needs to be topped off.
