A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up. The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife answered, “I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?
It’s called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don’t believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mommy“, he asked, “Are these my brains?“ “Not yet,” she replied.
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
“Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow”, says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened”. Yeah it did, he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house”. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife ? ” The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out !” “What about your friend ?” asks the bartender. “I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!”
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her “Don’t walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!” Little Red started towards her grandmother’s house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her “Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he’ll suck your tits dry!” Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her “Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood – I’m gonna suck your tits dry!!”. “Oh no you don’t”, yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, “You’re gonna eat me just like the story says!”
If you think life is bad… How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up… Your life ain’t that bad!
