How To Act at the Bar…
A few more words of advice about how to act at the bar. I like to print this kind of stuff, because every time I do so, I get free drinks from all of the bartenders for a whole month.
Have your money and order ready. The bartender is waiting on you. Everybody else is waiting on them. Don’t jam us all up by not knowing what the fuck you’re drinking, or acting all astonished that you have to come out with some cash.
Don’t whistle at the bartender. You whistle at dogs, not people.
Don’t wave money. Wow, a whole fucking dollar! I guess the bartender might break a leg hurrying to get over there to get you that “curz lite”.
Don’t yell out the bartender’s name. There’s something disturbing about hearing your name called out, turning around and seeing a complete stranger. That’s one of the reasons strippers use stage names.
NOTE: All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact. We see you, and we’ll get to you before the guy right next to you waving money and whistling. Remember, this isn’t insulin we’re passing out here. If you really need the drink that bad, you’ve got a problem to address, Jack. The meek shall inherit the bar.
Don’t say “make it strong!” or “put a lot of liquor in it” So, you’re one of the rare drinkers that like their drink strong! This insults the bartender, by accusing them of pouring weak drinks. This is also the best way to get a weak drink.
Don’t give the ever-expanding drink order. You want a Bud. They go get it. They come back and now you want a Margarita. Okay, no prob. They come back, and (oh yeah!) now you want a shot of Tequila, too.
Don’t order high-maintenance drinks when the bar is busy. Example: “Lemme get an Alabama Slammer, a Red Snapper, two Kamikazes, a Buttery Nipple and a Lemon Drop.” Usually followed by a small tip.
These drinks are fine by themselves, but there are multiple steps involved with making each one. You may get them this time, but you’ll probably be waited on last the next time they see you approach the bar.
Don’t assume the bartender knows you’re in the band. Yeah, you’re gonna be really famous, but you’re not there yet, pal. Tell them you’re in the band. By the way, if you are in a band and get free/reduced drink prices, feel free to tip, as most bartenders are also in bands! Oh, and by the way, their band will smoke your band!
Don’t assume the bartender knows you at all. You are one of a thousand faces, and when you point at an empty glass or a beer bottle that’s invariably facing away from them, your attempt at a shortcut backfires. Tell ’em what you want.
Don’t apologize for being a loser. Don’t apologize for not tipping. Acknowledging that you suck is not the same as not sucking. Oh, and don’t say “I’ll get ya next time.” They know all about you.
Don’t put pennies and nickels in the tip jar. They don’t want that crap in their pockets any more than you do.
Don’t order beer snob beers, then act all hurt when the bar doesn’t carry your latest stupid berry-wheat pale harvest ale. No, don’t ask them to special-order it. They’ve already got a dozen cases of unsellable shit-beer in the back room from other dickheads like you!
Don’t bitch about being carded. It’s the law, they don’t make the law, and it’s not up to them, so play along nicely. You don’t want the terrorists to win, do you?
Tipping is not a city in China. If you can’t afford to tip, you should not be at the bar. You should stay home inside your cardboard box, drink cheap wine, and sing the blues.
Strangely enough bad tippers are seldom the poor broke slob – he’ll fork over his last quarter. It’s usually the fucknut with the $8 drink who stiffs the bartender.
Amateur drinkers are always trying to “mack” on bartenderesses. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with trying to flirt with a hot chick – my wife does it all the time! But here are some lame ploys you ought to avoid:
Making faux roses out of napkins. If you want to give her flowers, get some real ones – even if you have to go pick them from somebody’s yard. If you must present the bartender with such an object, make it out of a $5 or $20 bill – this way it won’t end up in the trash can, and she will actually appreciate it.
Making those stupid fucking “boats” out of dollar bills – every bartender I ever met hates those things, because it takes three Chinamen a month to unfold one of them. In fact, I have seen bartenders toss them into the trash or leave them in the tip jar for the next bartender to rassle with. Ditto for making rings, bowties and other inscrutable objects out of dollars.
Trying to stuff money down the bartenders clothes is insulting as hell. If they wanted that kind of action, they’d get a job as a stripper. It clues them in that you are a creep.
Asking the bartender to show their boobs is a pretty dumb move. It really makes you look like a weirdo. And yet it happens all of the time. Usually the moron will add insult to injury by offering a $1 tip as bait.
Here’s my best advice: if you are interested in the bartender, simply play it cool. She will notice that you are a man of distinction by your decent behavior. If she’s interested, she will find a way to let you know. It’s as simple as that.
Now some advice for bartenders:
For the patron who keeps asking for your phone number, give him this number: (713) 866-6249. This is the “Rejection Hotline”. When he calls, a pre-recorded message will explain in a nice way that you are not interested. Put that number in your phone – it’s hilarious and very helpful.
For the dude who wants you to pull up your shirt, turn the tables and ask him to show you his pecker. If he actually does it, you can either make fun of him (Damn, I’ve smoked joints fatter than that!) or you can have him arrested for indecent exposure.
For the pseudo-hooker chick who is using your bar as a place to pick up sugar-daddies to support her drug habit: right in front of her latest victim, tell her (loud enough for all to hear) that “this is a bar, and it is for people who drink – not for people who smoke crack. You can sit here if you want to drink, but I’d better not catch you doing dope in my bar!” If this doesn’t scare the guy off, you need to kick them both out – they’re trouble.
Be nice the first time you have to get onto someone, but if that doesn’t work, switch immediately to “bitch mode”. When you are behind the bar, you are the queen and they are the unruly peasants. Nobody is allowed to fuck with the queen!
