Anywhere there is an open mic, you are likely to see a variety of musicians. Some of them are professionals, some amateurs. I consider myself to be one of the amateurs, and I always appreciate it when a professional is willing to share the same stage with me.
I am aware that as long as he is onstage with me, anything I do wrong makes him look bad. Meanwhile, just being onstage with a professional can only make me look good.
There are no universal rules for jam sessions. If there were, I would have a few suggestions:
1. Although jam sessions are for amateur and professional musicians, some people seem to think it’s another form of karaoke. It’s not.
If you do not play an instrument, you should not participate. If all you do is sing, and you are not a professional vocalist, sing from your seat, and stay away from the microphone.
Even if you are a great vocalist, you should still not participate (unless you can play something), because it will immediately cause one or more drunken tone-deaf dudes to want to get up and bellow out “Can’t You See” and “Knockin On Heaven’s Door” until the bar clears out. If all you do is sing, you should only do so if you are invited by the band or the host. Anything else, and you’re wrong.
2. If you don’t know the words, don’t sing the song. If you know “most” of the words, that’s okay, as long as you can do a credible job of faking it. If you are singing “backup” your voice should be heard only during the chorus, not on the verses. Again, if you are singing, and you notice that you are not simultaneously playing a musical instrument, you probably should not be onstage anyway.
3. If you are attending the jam as a spectator, it is usually okay to request a song, but you’re most likely dealing with a group of musicians who do not practice together. If you ask for something simple, it may work out. If you want to hear Bohemian Rhapsody, you are going to be disappointed. Either way, don’t act all offended when the “weekend warriors” onstage can’t seem to hit every note of “Deacon Blues.” It’s not fair to criticize “the band” at a jam session, because they are not a band. They are a jam, which creates both the worst and best music to be heard anywhere.
4. If you are planning to get onstage, sign the list. Yes, I know you’re a fucking rock star who needs no introduction and has a totally evil posse and a sweet harem of giggling groupies. You still have to sign in.
You may find that the person running the show doesn’t always stick to the list. The next person on the list isn’t always called up next.
This seems to be unfair. It isn’t. It can’t be helped. The host has to maintain a flow, and keep compatible players onstage together.
You can’t have the bluegrass fiddler up there with the heavy metal dudes. Trust the host. Order a drink and patiently wait your turn.
5. Don’t show up with a drum set, your own monster amps, etc. The host has to manage the sound, and provides the basic equipment.
Don’t be a prima donna. Also, do not mess with the knobs unless asked to do so by the host. It is not your job to “crank up” unless you’re going to pay the $1,000+ fine.
6. Don’t hurt the bar. They’re nice enough to provide a groovy place to hang out with other musicians. Don’t ruin it by starting a fight, bumming drinks, name-calling, criticizing the players, making a mess, hogging the mike, getting nekkid, or behaving like a dickhead.
7. Even if your drinks are on comp, you must still tip your server. If you can’t do that, you really ought to stay home.
Not a complete list, but a good start. It’s just too bad that the very people who need to know this information are usually illiterate bastards and won’t ever read this column. The next jam session you go to, you are likely to see someone fucking up.
When you do, tear a copy of this column out and hand it to them. If you want to get all Chuck Norris about it, offer to read it to them. I’d like a front row seat!
