It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.’” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “Now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between the holidays!”
Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they are talking about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked by this act that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!’
What’s the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo…
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo…
Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says: “I play with mouse traps for fun.
I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,
I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times.” And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: “That’s nothing.
I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it.”
And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: “I’m going home to screw the cat.”
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.“ he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them.” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.“ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price!“
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, “I want to get screwed.”
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, “I really want to get screwed, bad!”
A very sexy voice replies “Just slide $20 under the door.”
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits… Nothing Happens!
He knocks on the door again, and yells out “I want to get screwed!”
The sexy voice behind the door answers, “Again?”
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses.”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres. I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made treats.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that….”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the fuck up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d’ oeuvres because your married ass isn’t going to the goddamn bar! Got it, asshole?”