Make Me Laugh…

A guy walks into a bar in Pasadena and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. “Wow” says the bartender, “Something bad must have happened!” “Yeah it did,” he said. “I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.” The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. “This one’s on the house.” The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks “Did you say anything to your wife?” The guy answers “Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag’s and get out!” “What about your friend?” asks the bartender.
“I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG”

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a certain bar in Santa Fe, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of shots of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

A blonde walks into a restaurant in Seabrook to get some dinner, and while she’s deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress’s name tag on her shirt. ”Gee, that’s nice. What did you name the other one?”

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies: “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?” The mother replies: “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says: “Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister: “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?” The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father: “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers: “Okay son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re sitting on a million bucks, but in reality, we’re just shacked up with a couple of whores.”

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
Well, beer,” he replies, wondering what fucking difference it makes..
“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, beer does.. you should try drinking straight whiskey. It comes from the grain, and it makes things grow.”
Two months later the dude returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
“I take it you’re now drinking straight whiskey?” asked the doctor.
“Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the ole lady drinking beer!”

Jeff walks into a bar in La Porte and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hardon every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replies Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally got up enough courage to ask her out, and she said yes.”
“That’s great!” says Jeff, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worried I’d get a boner again. So I got some duct tape and taped my hooter to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”
“Makes sense to me” says Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the tiniest little see-thru mini dress you ever seen.”
“And what happened then?”
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked that poor girl right in the face!”

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar in Alvin, slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Yep. Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” then man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right side. Then I sat back down and just continued to milk her, but just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” the man says, “but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.
“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.  Some things you just can’t explain!”

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