Special Gator Press Exclusive:
Drinks are to the drinker what hooks are to a hooker. You can buy them, which requires money. Or you may get other people to buy them for you, in which case you will be expected to perform bizarre sex acts afterwards while being filmed.
Some people have learned to obtain alcohol by simply stealing other peoples drinks; getting drinks on someone else’s tab; or by appropriating abandoned drinks.
If you are too broke to supply your own drinks, you need to develop some kind of “act”.
Musicians learned centuries ago that as long as they could make noise, they would drink free. Learn to play an instrument, tell funny jokes, how to hula-hoop, or how to ignite farts.
Your new skill will pay off when it’s time to drink!
I shouldn’t have to mention that you are not going to have any fun drinking girlie drinks. Any heterosexual man who drinks Zima, Hard Lemonade, or other sissy drinks should immediately switch to a more manly and powerful fuel.
If you’re going to get properly smashed, you’ll need a Designated Driver (pronounced “segregated shriver”). This is the person who remains sober and drives. Often, petty criminals work off their jail time by performing community service as designated drivers, so beware. Sometimes, others will nominate you for this task, which you must avoid. Repeat this mantra: “m-2 junka jive” and you will usually avoid this hated assignment.
Beware of bartenders, who will not serve you if you appear to be intoxicated. It is against Texas law to drink while drunk. Momentarily sober up when ordering, and speak clearly. You won’t get served if you ask her to “fish me a nutty shrink”. Look the bartender dead in the eye, and order in a deep voice, like John Wayne. Don’t thay shings like thish.
Music usually sounds “bestest” and you can dance “gooder” when you’re drunk. If there is a band playing, they will always respect your taste in music if you loudly shout for them to play something by Leonard Skinner, or CC Top. Most bands are happy to have intoxicated guys get onstage and sing, so feel free to get up there and set a good example. If you’re at a karaoke show, dazzle everyone by spinning the microphones around by the cords. Don’t select a song, pick something at random. Sing loud enough so everyone can hear you. Not everyone in the bar – everyone.
And don’t sit down, stand up at the bar like a he-man. The drunker you stand there, the longer you’ll get.
Here’s a fun bar game to play: Remove one item of clothing after each drink, and encourage others to do so. By the time you are drunk, you will be almost naked. Once you are drunk and almost undressed, you might want to get laid, simply as a time-saving device. Do not attempt to get laid by a police officer when you have been drinking, unless you are into the whole handcuffs thing. Married people always make the mistake of taking off their wedding rings when they are on the prowl. That is plain stupid. Everybody wants to hook up with married people. That’s why there’s so much divorce.
Here is the best pickup line in the world for men to use: “Get your ass in the truck, we’re leaving”. I’ve been using that one for years, and like a good hunting dog, it always fetches.
Women realize of course that drunk men are the best lovers, so they are pretty easy to get once you have a buzz. Have you noticed that when you’re intoximicated, you’re witty, intelligent, and a better dancer? Alcohol creates instant sophistication, although you won’t be able to pronounce it. I have seen Jethro Bodeen turn into James Bond after a half a scottle of botch.
The most effective seduction advice for men is to keep giving her booze until she conks out. Scientific studies have shown that women often experience more erotic pleasure unconscious than they do while awake.
When two really drunk people have sex, it is always good. Of course, when nine drunk people have sex, it is incredible.
One of the primary objectives you must always remember is this: Stay out of the back seat of police cars. If you are driving, and a cop pulls in behind you, demonstrate that you are in complete control of the vehicle by swerving left and right a few times. Prove that your brakes are in good shape by accelerating and then suddenly stopping. Flash your lights and tap the horn a few times to show that everything is in working order. Remember: It is a known fact that the faster you drive, the sooner you will get there, thus reducing your exposure time.
If you do get stopped, feel free to tell the officer you’re personal friends with Gator, and he had better back off. Try complimenting the officer, but in an indirect way, something like “your wife sure does have nice tits”. Or, you could simply offer him $5 to just “forget the whole thing”.
If you have any open alcohol in the vehicle, hide it somehow, as it makes police officers jealous. I usually conceal beer by pouring it into my bong. You can hide pints and half-pints underneath your pistol in your holster.
If you are walking, and get stopped for suspicion of public intoxication, you can easily prove you are sober by leaving the vicinity rapidly on foot. A convincing demonstration of sprinting, jumping, and climbing may convince the law to let you go on your way without any hassles.
Okay, assuming you got drunk, laid, and survived the trip home, your next consideration is the Morning After.
Hangovers are caused by drinking too slowly. A slow drinker kills brain cells slowly, and in their death-throes, they trigger throbbing headaches. Fast drinkers snuff these cells quickly, saving all this pain. If you are a slow drinker, at the end of the night, do about 3 or 4 shots quickly to mercifully euthanize these dying brain cells. You’ll often wake up with no painful memories of what happened afterwards. If you do get up with a hangover, you need to kill these suffering brain cells off immediately with some more of the “dog that bit you”.
Married people who come home drunk always make the mistake of sneaking into the house quietly. Make as much noise as possible – your rambunctious mood may be contagious. Maybe everyone will wake up and want to party with you! In fact, invite the folks at “last call” over for an after-party at your place.
The health benefits of alcohol are too numerous to be listed here, however, here are a few of the positive benefits of being shitfaced that many people do not realize:
Breast Size: Women who use alcohol more regularly are likely to have larger kazongas, and they will often display them proudly (see www.gatorpress.com).
Income: Nearly all serious drinkers are – or later become – or previously were – or have met – wealthy bastards.
Contacts: Drinking brings one into contact with higher echelons of society, including attorneys, doctors, judges, police officers, paramedics, and jail guards.
Appearance: Drinking is essential in improving your appearance. The more drinks other people have, the better your appearance will be to them. Use alcohol’s beauty enhancing secrets to your advantage. Nearly all of the world’s heterosexual men are ugly beasts. This is the reason alcohol was created – so that intoxicated women might drink and either find us attractive, or else simply pass out at an opportune time.
If you have aspirations for higher office, and would like to be named “Town Drunk”, I recommend starting with a smaller town than Houston, and working your way up. If you live in the city, start off as a neighborhood drunk and run with it.
Above all, be careful with booze. Never spill a drop. GATOR