Category Archives: Local

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. “What is that?” he asked. She said, “I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo ‘Merry Christmas,’ and on the inside of the other one they tattooed ‘Happy New Year.'” Perplexed, he asked, “Why did you do that?” “Well,” she replied, “Now you can’t complain that there’s never anything to eat between the holidays!”
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Two rednecks walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they are talking about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked by this act that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t never seed nobody do it!’
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What’s the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
A rooster says cock-le-dood-le-doo…
A blonde says any-cock-le-doo…
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Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says: “I play with mouse traps for fun.
I’ll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me,
I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times.” And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: “That’s nothing.
I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it.”
And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: “I’m going home to screw the cat.”
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.“ he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them.” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.“ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price!“
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This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, “I want to get screwed.”
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.
The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, “I really want to get screwed, bad!”
A very sexy voice replies “Just slide $20 under the door.”
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits… Nothing Happens!
He knocks on the door again, and yells out “I want to get screwed!”
The sexy voice behind the door answers, “Again?”
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A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses.”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres. I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made treats.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that….”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your ass down, shut the fuck up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d’ oeuvres because your married ass isn’t going to the goddamn bar! Got it, asshole?”
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S

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, street marijuana supplies in New York and New Jersey have reached their lowest levels ever, and panicked drug dealers are having to come to Texas and California to replenish.
The activity is stimulating the economies of both states, but may also be the cause of weed shortages reported locally.
“I ain’t been able to cop a bud in two weeks” one stoner in Pasadena reported, “My guy I normally get it from says it’s bone dry. All the Yankees has been buying it all up.”
Spot checks in New York City have prices over $100 for a one-quarter ounce bag of “dirt weed” – a commercial grade of pot which typically sells in Texas for $20-25.
“Primo” is selling for two to three times as much, if and when it can be found.
“I ran out of weed, looking for weed” one woman told a CNN news reporter.  “How do they expect us to survive?”
Compounding the problem is a shortage of beer and liquor in storm-affected areas.
There have been reports of six-packs of beer being sold for $25-30, and cheap grade whiskey at $100 per bottle.

A couple of Jersey girls on a recent visit...

Retired porn star and local folk artist Richard Rhea lives in a twilight-zone in which he can’t get pizza delivered to his home.
The Dickinson resident reported to police on November 10th that he had tried to order pizza from the League City Dominos, only to be told that he would have to call the Bacliff location, since he lives south of FM 517.
The manager of the Bacliff location informed Rhea that they do not deliver anywhere west of Highway 3, and that Rhea should try the Alvin location.  The employee who answered in Alvin said that his store does not deliver to Dickinson, and recommended Rhea contact the Texas City or Santa Fe stores.
Both of those locations also told Mr. Rhea they could not serve him.
When Richard asked the manager of the Texas City location what he ought to do, the manager reportedly told him to “Go!”
“Go where?” he asked.
“Go fuck yourself!” the manager yelled, then hung up the phone. At that point, Rhea called and reported it to the police.
A total of seven Dominos employees were arrested, charged with failing to render aid, a misdemeanor offense carrying no more than twenty years of state prison time.
Rhea was later able to get pizza delivery from another local restaurant.

Village Seafood of Dickinson finally came to Rhea's rescue, sending over this Super Deluxe, just in time for the Texans game.

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SUNKEN SHIP – Galveston Bay

Passengers aboard the Bolivar Ferry have a pretty good view of this wrecked ship. Probably a lot of them wonder what ship it is, and how it came to be beached off  Seawolf Park.
The ship was named the SS Selma, and was christened in 1919.  At 400 feet, it was considered a very large oil tanker for that time.
Less than a year after her launch, the Selma struck a jetty and cracked open, sinking.
Perhaps a significant reason the Selma sank was because she was an experimental vessel, with a hull made of concrete. Yes, concrete was actually tried in shipbuilding.
It was also reportedly tried in airplanes, with disastrous results.
By boat, this is a great place to fish and an awesome spot for a picnic.

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HURRICANE IKE WOOD TREE SCULPTURES LIST – Galveston

Hurricane Ike killed a lot of beautiful old trees on the Island. Local sculptors have created some magnificent works of folk art, mostly in the neighborhood east of Downtown. Here’s a partial list:
Dolphin, 828 Ball (facing Ninth)
Pod of dolphins and mermaid, 902 Ball
Wildlife totem pole, 1302 Ball
Squirrel with acorn, 1302 Ball
Dolphin, eel and dorado, 1302 Ball
Owl, 1302 Ball
Two herons, 1316 Ball
Toad, 1615 Ball
Geisha, 1717 Ball
Sister angels, 1717 Ball
Monument to oak trees, 1028 Winnie
The Tin Man, 1702 Winnie
Yellow Lab Dog, 1820 Winnie
Mermaid with clam shell, 1428 Church
Pelican sitting on piling, 1618 Church
Birds of Galveston, 1620 Sealy
Great Dane, 1228 Sealy (facing 13th)
Large pelican, 1609 Post Office
Pelicans, 628 14th (behind the Café)
Angel cradling bunny, 511 17th
Dalmatian and a fireplug at City Hall outside Central Fire Station, 823 25th
Hand holding diploma at park, 718 41st
Wildlife tree inside the playground at Schreiber Park, 83rd Street near Airport

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BATTLESHIP TEXAS, LaPorte

America was becoming a world power when the Battleship Texas was commissioned over 100 years ago. As a US Navy ship from 1914 to 1948, the BB-35 sailed 728,000 miles ranging north to Iceland, south to Chile, east to Italy and west to the Philippines. She passed through the Panama Canal 16 times.
She is the only surviving US Navy vessel that fought in WWI and WWII. In WWII, the Texas was the only US battleship to see combat in Europe, Africa and the Pacific.
Texas was also a test ship for naval aviation in 1919 and for the first radar, in 1939.
The ship’s final active mission returned 4,267 troops from the Pacific to California in time for Christmas of 1945.
Much of the Battleship Texas is still the same today as it was in 1914.  There are tons of exhibits and historical navy memorabilia from those early days of iron ships and big guns.
The view is pretty nice as well, and there is a bar nearby.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, 19 men armed with box cutters directed by a man on dialysis in a cave fortress halfway around the world using a satellite phone and a laptop directed the most sophisticated penetration of the most heavily-defended airspace in the world, overpowering the passengers and the military combat-trained pilots on 4 commercial aircraft before flying those planes wildly off course for over an hour without being molested by a single fighter interceptor or air-to-ground system

These 19 hijackers, devout religious fundamentalists – who liked to drink booze at strip joints, snort cocaine, and live with pink-haired dancers – managed to knock down 3 buildings with 2 planes in New York, while in Washington a pilot who couldn’t handle a single engine Cessna was able to fly a 757 in an 8,000 foot descending 270 degree corskscrew turn to come exactly level with the ground, hitting the Pentagon in the budget analyst office where DOD staffers were working on the mystery of the 2.3 trillion dollars that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had announced “missing” from the Pentagon’s coffers in a press conference the day before, September 10, 2001.

In the meanwhile, someone in the financial markets made huge profits from these events by selling short on the stocks of the airlines involved through Deutschbank. The names of those investors have never been revealed, and a satisfactory reason for their foreknowledge has never been given.  This in spite of President Bush vowing to the nation that they would be found and face justice. Deutschbank’s CEO at the time was Buzzy Krongard, who had just taken the job after serving as Chief of Counterintelligence at the CIA.

Luckily, the news anchors knew who had committed this coordinated attack within minutes; the pundits were spinning it within hours; and the Administration confirmed within the day. The evidence literally fell into the FBI’s lap.

Obviously Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, mortal enemies, had teamed up to attack us!

Suddenly, in mere moments, all of Israel’s worst enemies became also America’s worst enemies. For this, we must bomb them back into the stone age.

But for some reason a bunch of crazy conspiracy theorists were soon demanding some kind of significant investigation into the greatest attack on American soil in history – and the greatest failure of our national defense systems since Pearl Harbor. Incidentally, it was found that the Project for a New American Century (PNAC), a group to which Cheney and Rumsfield belonged, had recently called for a “new Pearl Harbor” event to galvanize America into imperial action which would usher in a new century of American domination of the world.

The investigation of 9-11 was delayed, underfunded, set up to fail, a conflict of interest and a cover up from start to finish. It was based on testimony extracted through torture, the records of which were destroyed. It failed to mention the existence and unexplained collapse of WTC #7, Able Danger, Ptech, Sibel Edmonds, Bin Laden’s longstanding CIA affiliation, and the drills of hijacked aircraft being flown into buildings that were being simulated at the precise same time that those events were actually happening.

The Commission was lied to by the Pentagon, the CIA, and the Bush Administration.  As for Bush and Cheney, no one knows what they said, because they testified in secret, off the record, not under oath, and behind closed doors. In fact, Bush agreed to appear only if the Vice President appeared with him.

The Commission didn’t bother to look at who funded the attacks because that question was (in their opinion) “of little practical significance.”  Still, the 9/11 Commission did brilliantly, answering all of the questions the public had (except most of the victims’ family members’ questions) and pinning blame on all the people responsible (although no one so much as lost their job), determining the attacks were “a failure of imagination” because “I don’t think anyone could envision flying airplanes into buildings.” Except for the Pentagon and FEMA and NORAD and the NRO. The DIA destroyed 2.5 TB of data on Able Danger, the simulated attack that mirrored the actual attack, and occurred at the same exact time. Able Danger was a military drill on 9-11 which simulated airplane attacks by terrorist hijackers in Manhattan and at the Pentagon.

The SEC destroyed their records on the investigation into the insider trading before the attacks, but that’s OK because destroying the records of the largest investigation in SEC history is just part of routine record keeping.

NIST has classified the data that they used for their model of WTC #7s collapse, but that’s OK because knowing how they made their model of that collapse would “jeopardize public safety.“

The FBI has argued that all material related to their investigation of 9/11 should be kept secret from the public, including the Black Boxes from the planes, but that’s OK because the FBI probably has nothing to hide.

Osama Bin Laden lived in a cave fortress in the hills of Afghanistan, but somehow he got away. Then he was hiding out in Tora Bora but somehow he got away again. Then he lived in Abottabad for years, taunting the most comprehensive intelligence dragnet employing the most sophisticated technology in the history of the world for 10 years, releasing video after video with complete impunity (and getting younger and younger as he did so), before finally being found in a daring SEAL team raid which wasn’t recorded on video, in which he didn’t resist or use his wife as a human shield, and in which these crack special forces operatives panicked and killed this unarmed man, supposedly the best source of intelligence about those dastardly terrorists on the planet. When they looked around the compound, the were unable to locate any dialysis equipment. A check of the surrounding villages revealed that the nearest dialysis clinic was over 60 miles away. Apparently, Bin Laden had been cured of his acute kidney failure. The operatives then dumped his body in the ocean in the dead of night before telling anyone about it. They did this in order to comply with Islamic custom, which in fact has nothing to say on the subject of burial at sea. The body never washed ashore. Soon afterwards,  a couple dozen of that SEAL team’s members died in a mysterious helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

You now know the official story of 9/11.

If you have any questions about this story, if there are any parts of it which make you feel uneasy…you are a batshit, paranoid, tinfoil hat dog-abusing baby-hater and will be reviled by everyone.
If you love your country and/or freedom, happiness, rainbows, rock and roll, puppy dogs, apple pie and your grandma, you will never express any doubts about any part of this story to anyone. Ever.   (GATOR)

A local 17 year-old teenager from League City has been sentenced to two years in prison for building a provocative sand sculpture at Galveston Beach in May.
Gabriel Fossman was sentenced as an adult for the crime of “Felony Lewdness”, which carries up to ten years imprisonment. With good behavior, Fossman may be released on good behavior after serving only 23 months.
Fossman and an accomplice created the sculpture on May 23rd in the 5200 block of Seawall Boulevard in Galveston.  The accomplice, 67 year-old Thomas McSnagg, was granted immunity in exchange for his testimony against Fossman.  He has also been accepted into the state Witness Protection Program and will receive a new identity, a job at a strip club, and sex-change surgery. The pair were arrested after a woman confronted them at the beach and phoned police. Fossman reportedly called the woman a “dumb bitch”, and was tasered 36 times after being handcuffed by officers.

In a dramatic moment during the trial, a prosecutor brought the sculpture into the courtroom for jurors to see.
The jury of 9 women, 2 men, and one person of undetermined sex, reached the guilty verdict after deliberating for only nine minutes.

Defense attorney Buster Lipp says his client maintains his innocence and he intends to appeal the verdict.

A look at ASCAP & BMI – How the music licensing scam works:

If you own a nightclub or any other business where there is music playing – even on a television – you have probably been “shaken down” by ASCAP and/or BMI. These two groups are the licensing agencies for hundreds of thousands of copyrighted songs. They allegedly make sure the artists who create the music receive their “fair share” of royalties. It is nothing more than a scam.
Here, for the first time ever in print, is the true story about these corrupt organizations. It is a story I have been working on for over five years. During this time I have been threatened, cajoled, and offered “financial opportunities” in order to persuade me to leave this story alone. It is one of the largest grafts in the country, and these greedy agencies are very protective of  what they are, in effect, stealing.

Some back history:
ASCAP (American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers) started in 1909, and was incorporated in 1914. In those days, a composer like Stephen Foster would practically starve to death while music publishers sold his music and kept the money. In those days, it was mostly sheet music and rolls for player pianos that were sold. Composers didn’t get anything out of this. ASCAP was supposed to help composers get their royalties, but the organization soon became a racket.
By the late 1930s, ASCAP comprised only 1,100 writers and 140 publishers. To gain admission to ASCAP a writer had to have published five hit songs, a requirement that kept new writers out in the cold. Likewise, the system favored established publishers, about 15 of whom controlled 90 percent of the most-played songs on radio.
Country artists had access to the public through the Grand Ole Opry, broadcast over Nashville’s WSM since 1925, and a few artists became nationally known, but membership in ASCAP eluded them. Country stars such as Gene Autry and jazz greats like Jelly Roll Morton were rejected for years by ASCAP.
By 1940, radio broadcasters got fed up with ASCAP’s escalating demands for fees, which rarely went to the songwriters and artists anyway, and rebelled. Many radio stations quit playing licensed music, and refused to pay ASCAP. For several years radio stations played “Blue Danube” and other traditional songs that were considered public domain. Instead of helping composers, ASCAP practices actually kept their music from getting radio airtime. ASCAP fell into disfavor because they were seen as counterproductive to the music industry, while exacting a heavy toll from all involved.
Then in 1940, BMI (Broadcast Music Incorporated) was formed to counter ASCAP. BMI’s purpose was to provide an opportunity for those writers and publishers unable to gain entry into ASCAP, and to provide an alternative source for broadcasters and venues. It was hoped that BMI would do a more honest job, and that songwriters and everyone else in the music business would profit. It was not to be. The same kind of greedy vultures that operated ASCAP soon took over BMI, and it simply became a competing scam.

Where the money goes:
The major amount of license money for both groups comes from something called “Public Performance for Profit” and any venue that uses music for profit – nightclubs, restaurants, even supermarkets that play Muzak – has to pay a fee.
These fees are supposed to be distributed to the artists whose songs are being used  in these “Public Performances”. That is supposedly why these entities exist. But the payout doesn’t work that way. Instead, the largest recipient of ASCAP money is the organization itself, their lawyers, and their representatives, who are paid a commission to “shake down” small businesses across America. All of the money goes to lawyers in New York City, and most of it stays there.
ASCAP and BMI pay royalties based on the radio airplay of a select group of corporate radio stations of their own choosing. They distribute some royalties to the composers and songwriters who they choose. The money is not distributed based on “public performances” – but on arcane formulas devised by BMI and ASCAP. So what happens is, the band plays a Willie Nelson song, the money goes to ASCAP, and they pay Brittney Spears or the estate of Michael Jackson. It’s absolutely fucked up.
ASCAP’s policies are determined by its 12-member board of directors (who are elected by the membership), and votes cast in their elections are weighted according to the amount of money paid that year. So, if you did not receive royalty money from ASCAP last year, you cannot vote this year. Because of this, it is unlikely that changes to make sure new writers and publishers get a fair share will ever come from within ASCAP.
As a recording artist or composer, you could have The Original Soundtrack of the Second Coming of Christ, the Attending Angels singing backup, Elijah on the Front, Moses doing Promotion, and confirmed tour dates, and never collect one penny.
During the past ten years, ASCAP and BMI have become more aggressive in their collection (extortion?) techniques. For example, when a nightclub owner signs the papers to pay ASCAP or BMI royalties, he actually signs away his right to protest. This would be illegal in any other kind of contract, but ASCAP received the stamp of approval of the US District Court in Manhattan – which has been their pet court for decades.
If the owner of a business ever pays ASCAP or BMI one time, he had better pay them forever, because he has signed a self-renewing contract that never ends. He has agreed to pay them from now on. This is why ASCAP often sues businesses who quit paying them, but seldom sues businesses who never pay.
Read this excerpt from the ASCAP contract that club and restaurant owners sign:
“The term of this Agreement shall be for a period commencing on the date hereof and continuing indefinitely”
Unlike any other legal contract, the BMI and ASCAP contracts say that they can raise the price at their own discretion, and there isn’t anything the business owner can do about it. Here’s another excerpt:
“The Society shall have the right to adopt from time to time such systems, means, methods and formulae for the establishment of a member’s apportionment and distribution of royalties as will assure a fair, just and equitable distribution of royalties among the membership.”
So, ASCAP and BMI can charge whatever they want, raise their prices any time, and you are on the hook forever.
Lately, both groups are trying to work together, and they have gone after karaoke, jukeboxes, and internet music providers. BMI and ASCAP’s argument is that, since most musical compositions are registered by one or the other, an establishment must buy licenses from both to protect it from copyright-infringement lawsuits.
Not many establishments are willing to talk about their licensing situation, and neither BMI nor ASCAP will release a list of licensed establishments. But chances are that a large number – perhaps a majority – of bars and clubs in our area are unlicensed; and many are currently being approached by ASCAP and BMI demanding money. Another licensing group called SESAC, which represents mostly gospel and country music, also uses the same strategy and tactics.
BMI and ASCAP charge a sliding scale for licenses: The smaller the venue, the smaller the fees. That means it really doesn’t matter how many customers you have, you pay for the size of the bar. In Texas, where everything is bigger, we pay more. ASCAP and BMI are the reason why many of the large dancehalls that used to be a fixture in Texas have closed down forever. These places used to have one or two big nights a month, but sat empty most other nights. They couldn’t afford to pay ASCAP and BMI for all of the empty seats, so they finally closed their doors.
In the local music scene, where performances are often found in nontraditional and low-revenue spaces, the fees can be difficult for the bar owner to justify. For example, a bar with a 250-person capacity that has a live band once a week, plays CDs at some other times and allows dancing (which prompts a higher fee than music played as mere background), would have to pay over $6,000 annually to BMI and ASCAP.

High-handed tactics:
A lady named Jessica Hill published and copyrighted “Happy Birthday To You” in 1935. While the copyright should have expired in 1991, copyright has been extended and the copyright for Happy Birthday is now due to expire in 2030. The copyright lies in the hands of Time Warner. Happy Birthday’s copyright is licensed and enforced by ASCAP, and the little ditty brings in more than $2 million in annual royalties.
In fact, ASCAP has over 40 arrangements of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata on file, and even more amazing, nearly 80 versions of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Thus if you had a nightclub and no ASCAP license, and their spies caught someone performing one of those pieces, even though the song is in the public domain, since an ASCAP publisher has copyrighted an arrangement of the song, you might still be sued.
In 1995 ASCAP sent letters to 6,000 summer camps, including the Girl Scouts, informing them that they had to pay royalties for “public performances.” Copyright law defines a “public performance” as a place “where a substantial number of persons outside of a normal circle of a family and its social acquaintances is gathered.” ASCAP did not specifically say that it wanted to charge for singing around the campfire, but Girl Scout leaders are still afraid to sing “Puff the Magic Dragon”. Other songs they stopped singing after the ASCAP threat included “God Bless America” and “This Land is Your Land”.
“They buy paper, twine and glue for their crafts – they can pay for the music, too,” said John Lo Frumento, ASCAP’s chief operating officer. “If offenders keep singing without paying” he said, “we will sue them if necessary.”
One club owner says ASCAP is “the Mafia of the music world and there ain’t a thing you can do about it. Tell them to go to hell and pull all their music from the song list, they’ll bring in spies to your location. If you have a band, DJ or Karaoke machine that plays any one of the songs on their list, the send a very threatening letter. They’re parasitical and counterproductive to venues, musicians and composers alike.”
Refusals and arguments can eventually lead to lawsuits, and the club always loses, often to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars in fines plus legal fees. Attempts by club owners to post “No ASCAP material to be performed here” signs or to ask that no musicians perform ASCAP material have not always worked.
ASCAP and BMI have agents on payroll who travel from club to club, incognito, as spies. When a new venue starts offering live music, the agent will either show up in person or write a letter demanding money. If a nightclub or even a convenience store refuses to buy the license, then ASCAP or BMI will send in the spies – often local musicians – who will make notes and testify in court as expert witnesses that on a certain date at a certain time a certain song was indeed played.  Even though the hired musicians decide what is played, it is the owner of the establishment where the music is played who gets sued.

They get paid over & over:
Licensing also applies to the playing of radios in public places.  If a radio is playing in a public place such as a restaurant, a clothing store, or a hotel lobby, and the radio station happens to play a licensed recording, that too counts as a public performance and royalties must be paid.
Under this strange system, ASCAP/BMI gets paid many times for the same music. They get paid by the songwriter, who has to join ASCAP or BMI (and pay annual dues) in order to receive royalties. They also get paid by the recording artist, who has to pay for “mechanical reproduction rights” to record the song. They get paid again when the radio station buys the CDs.  They get paid again when the radio station pays their broadcasting license fees.  And they get paid again when the store or restaurant playing the radio for its customers pays their licensing fees.  Everyone all across town playing this song on their radios, anywhere that the public can hear it must also pay.
This is a truly insane situation—with ASCAP and BMI agents running around town, busting taxicab drivers for playing their radios to their riders, fining dry cleaning establishments for letting their customers listen to music while in the store, and hassling bartenders for letting their patrons listen to music or watch TV (all of the music on TV is licensed as well.)
In order to provide some relief, the Fairness in Music Licensing Act of 1998 exempted some retail establishments, restaurants, and bars from paying fees for playing radio or TV broadcasts, so long as they were smaller than a certain size and had no more than a certain number of speakers for playing music.  ASCAP and BMI both opposed this legislation. It was sponsored by the late Sonny Bono. Unfortunately, only a few businesses are protected under this law – most must pay. And even if you are exempt under the Bono law, the ASCAP or BMI representative isn’t going to tell you. He is still going to try to get you to pay.
If you find yourself speaking to an ASCAP representative on the phone, he or she is going to use the word “federal” a lot. Many people have reported that they were under the impression that ASCAP is some sort of quasi-federal agency. This is something they are trained to do, in order to intimidate you.

What can a business owner do?
If the ASCAP/BMI people start threatening you, there are only a few options: You can tell them to fuck off, but eventually – if they think you have any money – they will sue you. You can tell them you can’t afford it, and promise to pay them whenever you can. I know one club owner that put them off for 15 years with this ploy. You can cancel all music and entertainment except for bands that play originals. Or you can hold your nose and pay the bastards.

Conclusions:
Other types of publishers do not have the same kind of racket going. For example, anyone can read a book in public, and there is no group demanding money to distribute royalties to book writers. Anyone may quote from a speech, and the speechwriters association can’t make them pay. The images displayed on a television aren’t licensed, but the background music is?  It’s ludicrous that the music licensers have managed to get by with such a massive scam for so many years.
These licensing groups are nothing more than gangsters extorting money from working folks to give to the few, chosen, and wealthy. They personify what is wrong with the music business, and they are the primary reason for the decline in live music performances over the past few years.
I hope some courageous politician will someday sponsor a bill that makes these predatory scams illegal, or at least forces them to distribute the royalties they collect in a fair and equitable manner.

A police officer in Houston yesterday executed a double-amputee in a wheelchair after the man allegedly threatened his partner with what turned out to be a pen.
The early-morning execution occurred in a group home, the owner of which had called police complaining that the man was causing a disturbance.
Police representatives said that when two officers arrived, the disabled man cornered one policeman and threatened him with an object.  Another officer opened fire, shooting the crippled man in the head, saying he was forced to take action, “fearing for his partner’s safety and his own safety”, after the man refused to calm down and remain still, police said. Apparently, failure to calm down and remain still, even if you have a mental illness and are physically disabled, is a capitol offense here in the Lone Star State.
It was discovered later that the object that the one-armed, one-legged, wheelchair-bound man was waving turned out to be a felt-tipped drawing pen.
Police revealed that the dead man’s name was Brian Claunch, aged in his 40s.
The officer who conducted the execution has been identified as Matthew Jacob Marin, who has been a serving police officer, and thus an heroic first responder,  for five years. He was placed on a three-day paid vacation, which is a standard procedure for all shootings linked with officers.
Marin was reportedly involved in another field execution just three years ago, when he eliminated a suspect holding a knife.
The owner of the group home, John Garcia, said that the deceased, Brian Claunch, had been living at the place for approximately a year-and-a-half, and was mentally ill in addition to having lost an arm and a leg in a railroad accident. He was confined to his wheelechair or bed.
“He sometimes would go off a bit, but you just ignore it,” Garcia told reporters.
Houston police are equipped with a variety of non-lethal weapons, which they are also trained to use. These include tasers, pepper spray, flashlights, and clubs.
Why Marin chose to kill the invalid when other options were available is not known. Why not just kick his wheelchair over and handcuff his only arm to his only leg?

Luther Junius Rabble Jr. III, Esq.

August 16th was not a good day for Galveston resident Luther Rabble, age 29.

Rabble was crossing Highway 646 in Hitchcock when his troubles began. Due to recent accidents, police have cracked down on jaywalkers in the area.

Officer Paul Ischtov spotted Rabble crossing the highway between signals, and decided to write him a citation. This is a minor offense which carries no more than 5 years state prison time.

However, as the officer approached, Rabble hawked up a big loogie, spitting onto an adjacent sidewalk. This is a more serious infraction.

Rabble was charged with Expectorating On A Public Thoroughfare, Aggravated Jaywalking, and Felony Vagrancy. The last charge was filed after Ischtov discovered that Rabble was carrying no cash – only credit cards. In Texas, the vagrancy statute requires you to carry at least $10 in cash on your person, ostensibly to pay bribes with.

Because three separate offenses are involved, if convicted on all counts, Rabble will be sentenced under the “Three Strikes and You’re Out” law, which carries a 25 year minimum without parole.

He may be released as early as 2034 with good behavior.

Prosecutor Frye Frisch says she plans to “throw the booklet” at Rabble.

Rabble’s lawyer, F. U. Bailey, said his client will plead No Comprende to the charges.  “I have spent many hours with my client going over every detail of the case”, Bailey told the Mainland Press, “and I am convinced that he is well able to afford my fee.”

Rabble will be in court next on December 13th.

Anywhere there is an open mic, you are likely to see a variety of musicians. Some of them are professionals, some amateurs. I consider myself to be one of the amateurs, and I always appreciate it when a professional is willing to share the same stage with me.
I am aware that as long as he is onstage with me, anything I do wrong makes him look bad. Meanwhile, just being onstage with a professional can only make me look good.
There are no universal rules for jam sessions. If there were, I would have a few suggestions:
1. Although jam sessions are for amateur and professional musicians, some people seem to think it’s another form of karaoke. It’s not.
If you do not play an instrument, you should not participate. If all you do is sing, and you are not a professional vocalist, sing from your seat, and stay away from the microphone.
Even if you are a great vocalist, you should still not participate (unless you can play something), because it will immediately cause one or more drunken tone-deaf dudes to want to get up and bellow out “Can’t You See” and “Knockin On Heaven’s Door” until the bar clears out. If all you do is sing, you should only do so if you are invited by the band or the host. Anything else, and you’re wrong.
2. If you don’t know the words, don’t sing the song. If you know “most” of the words, that’s okay, as long as you can do a credible job of faking it. If you are singing “backup” your voice should be heard only during the chorus, not on the verses. Again, if you are singing, and you notice that you are not simultaneously playing a musical instrument, you probably should not be onstage anyway.
3. If you are attending the jam as a spectator, it is usually okay to request a song, but you’re most likely dealing with a group of musicians who do not practice together. If you ask for something simple, it may work out. If you want to hear Bohemian Rhapsody, you are going to be disappointed. Either way, don’t act all offended when the “weekend warriors” onstage can’t seem to hit every note of “Deacon Blues.” It’s not fair to criticize “the band” at a jam session, because they are not a band. They are a jam, which creates both the worst and best music to be heard anywhere.
4. If you are planning to get onstage, sign the list. Yes, I know you’re a fucking rock star who needs no introduction and has a totally evil posse and a sweet harem of giggling groupies. You still have to sign in.
You may find that the person running the show doesn’t always stick to the list. The next person on the list isn’t always called up next.
This seems to be unfair. It isn’t. It can’t be helped. The host has to maintain a flow, and keep compatible players onstage together.
You can’t have the bluegrass fiddler up there with the heavy metal dudes. Trust the host. Order a drink and patiently wait your turn.
5. Don’t show up with a drum set, your own monster amps, etc. The host has to manage the sound, and provides the basic equipment.
Don’t be a prima donna. Also, do not mess with the knobs unless asked to do so by the host. It is not your job to “crank up” unless you’re going to pay the $1,000+ fine.
6. Don’t hurt the bar. They’re nice enough to provide a groovy place to hang out with other musicians. Don’t ruin it by starting a fight, bumming drinks, name-calling, criticizing the players, making a mess, hogging the mike, getting nekkid, or behaving like a dickhead.
7. Even if your drinks are on comp, you must still tip your server. If you can’t do that, you really ought to stay home.
Not a complete list, but a good start. It’s just too bad that the very people who need to know this information are usually illiterate bastards and won’t ever read this column. The next jam session you go to, you are likely to see someone fucking up.
When you do, tear a copy of this column out and hand it to them. If you want to get all Chuck Norris about it, offer to read it to them. I’d like a front row seat!

Women who receive breast implants get a product that often does not seem lifelike to the touch. An entrepreneurial woman in Pasadena admits she formed a business plan to help these women. The Texas Attorney General’s office is calling her scheme illegal, and making plans to prosecute.
Linda Walsockett, 25, allegedly teamed up with a clinic in Matamoros, Mexico, to purchase and remove breasts from impoverished Mexican women, and transplant them to American women who are willing to pay as much as $100,000 per knocker. The Mexican women are paid about $200 each, without nipples.

Walsockett

Until recently, breast transplants were very rare. The first successful human breast transplant was performed in 1986, by Dr. Kitchen Bonnehard. Unlike internal organs, the chance of the body rejecting breasts is very low, although it has happened.
Walsockett admits to sporting an imported bust that was harvested from a 20 year old Mexican crackhead.
In the procedure, which is performed in a doctors office, the new bust is placed under the patient’s existing breasts, below the skin.  It takes about 30 minutes, and heals in a few weeks.
Investigators believe Walsockett is responsible for 20 such transplants, which are a violation of the Federal Breast Enhancement Act.
“We also think it might fall under Human Smuggling, even though it’s not whole humans, just tits” said assistant prosecutor Pierre Manuel O’Shea. “There may be additional charges.”
Customers who obtained the organs have asked not to be identified.  One of them, Chistianne Heffel of Texas City,  said she didn’t see anything wrong with Walsockett’s business practices.  Heffel said that “… Mexicans dream of coming to America.  This allows a part of them to enjoy freedom and liberty in the greatest country on Earth.  It’s a win-win.”
Another client, Judy Slagle, said she didn’t see anything wrong with the idea, but she was not completely satisfied with the procedure.  “I have one that stands up and says hello, and one that droops down like a tired puppy,” she said, “I think maybe I got one from a granny and one from a tranny!”

Local Woman Arrested, Jailed For Blowing Bubbles
SAN LEON – A local woman was arrested  in San Leon on Sept. 8th after being caught blowing bubbles on a busy street corner.
The woman, Kathy O‘Helnoe, age 24, was taken into custody after San Leon Police Chief Art Pinero determined that her actions were a danger to traffic on FM 517, causing drivers to swerve and nearly causing several collisions.
Witnesses at the scene stated that O‘Helnoe was on a grassy area near the intersection of FM 517 and 12th Street, blowing bubbles on the afternoon of Sept. 8th.
Witnesses told Pinero that she had been seen blowing bubbles at this location several times recently. Passing motorists began honking and waving, causing a small disturbance.
A passing officer observed the woman and pulled over. When the officer accosted O‘Helnoe, she stopped blowing bubbles and was strip searched.
She was taken into custody for Creating A Disturbance, with bond set at $5,000.
Bubbles, a well-known local rodeo clown, was not charged in the incident.

Kathy O‘Helnoe

War On Terror Takes To The Trees
If you have any trees on your property, the Bureau of Homeland Security wants to talk to you. New guidelines issued by the Bureau of Homeland Security have named trees as a specific threat. According to new guidelines, trees could be useful to terrorists, who might use them as a place of concealment.
The agency has made the tree issue a priority, and will spend millions of dollars this fiscal year investigating trees all over the US.
Plans provide for eliminating or removing all unnecessary trees, and transplanting useful trees into special quarantine areas. Officials speculate that as many as 60% of US trees must be relocated or destroyed in order to comply with provisions contained within the expanded Patriot Act.
Trees less than 2 feet tall and those which produce no limbs or foliage are exempt from the program, as are rocks and boulders.

suspicious tree

Routine Traffic Stop Results In Sign Ordinance Violation Arrest
KEMAH – A report of a reckless pedestrian at 4:40 p.m. Wednesday August 29 led to a 47-year-old Kemah man’s arrest for violating the sign ordinance. Police received a report of a redheaded guy staggering recklessly down Highway 146. By the time officers were able to respond, the man had grown a beard to conceal his identity. However police noticed that the man was driving a stolen Pontiac Firebird. Officers wasted no time adding the man to their list of suspects in the theft of the vehicle. Police asked for permission to search the vehicle, but the driver, 34 year-old Lincoln Connenal, refused, claiming diplomatic immunity as a citizen of Haiti.
Using their flashlights to look through the car windows, officers saw marijuana cigarettes and partially-burned marijuana cigarettes in a plastic bag. They also saw two bags of loose marijuana, a cigarette rolling device, and two shotguns. The man admitted that the items in the vehicle were his.
Officers considered these circumstances to be suspicious, and were considering whether they should make an arrest or simply gun him down on the spot, when suddenly one of them noticed an illegal campaign sign being posted across the street. As officers raced across the street to respond, the stolen car zoomed off heading south.
Meanwhile, police busted Bailey Heathcoat of League City for failing to abide by the city’s sign law which requires all political signs to be exactly 36 inches apart.
Police are seeking the driver of the car as a witness in the sign case. Three people in the passenger seat and six people in the back seat are also wanted for questioning.

Lincoln Connenal

A young couple who just met are out for a romantic evening walk along a country lane in Santa Fe. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this bush?”
She nods agreement and disappears behind the bushes. As he waits he can hear the sound of her pulling her panties down. Unable to contain his thoughts a moment longer, he carefully peeks through the bushes.  In the twilight he can make just out her silhouette.
He is surprised to see a long thick appendage hanging down between her legs!
Angry, he reaches out and grabs it! This startles the girl, who says “You scared me half to death. I didn’t realize you were there!”
“Sorry” the guy says. “You scared me too. I didn’t realize you were taking a shit.”

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?”
She responds, “To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” His mind reeling, he asks, “And what do you do at this meeting?”
“Well,” she says, “We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“And what myths are those?” he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, “Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers.” “Very interesting…” the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don’t even know you! What is your name?”
The man extends his hand and replies, “Tonto……..Tonto Rubenstein.”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the ride back to town is going to cost you $25.”

A blonde decides to do something crazy she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Blonde: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.” Store Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. What was the title of the movie you rented?”
Blonde: “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner’

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.” As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?” She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your tit is hanging out.” She looks down and says “Oh shit! I left the baby on the bus!”